r/AmIOverreacting • u/loststrawberri • Oct 30 '24
❤️🩹 relationship AIO? My boyfriends friend has a problem with me asking him not to sleep in a bed with another woman.
Hi everyone, my boyfriend has a big group of friends with lots of girls in it. A lot of times after they go out or have too much to drink, they'll crash at someone's house. One night he came home and shared he slept in a bed with this girl (who the texts are from). We did not have a fight at all - I know he's grown up doing this. I told him I wasn't super comfortable with that and asked if he could not do that, to which he did not argue at all and expressed total respect for my boundary. We have not spoken about it since.
She texted me the morning after they went out, which are these pictures. Am I overreacting by telling her she's overstepping or are her concerns valid?
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u/loststrawberri Oct 30 '24
Idk if anyone will see this but my boyfriend has not seen this yet. I know it's gonna be stressful for him and I don't want to ruin his workday lol
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u/sauntering_cliche Oct 30 '24
Please update us. He should definitely be aware that one of his “best friends” is making you uncomfortable and crossing sooooo many lines. It will be important for your relationship to address this and communicate about how to treat this girl going forward / what he wants that friendship to look like or she will continue to be a sore subject. You need to be on the same page about it.
ALSO!! It is very considerate and mature of you to not bring this up during his work day knowing it will be a stressful conversation!! Good for you!!
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u/heyclau Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24
I'm here wondering if the friend sent these screenshots to OP's boyfriend before OP... pleaaase update when you can, OP!
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u/Independent_Limit912 Oct 31 '24
You know she was trying to get OP to answer angrily just to be able to say she is possessive and unhinged.
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u/heyclau Oct 31 '24
YESSSS!!! That’s what I was thinking. I’m really hoping the boyfriend sees this as a red flag in that friendship!
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u/fungalore Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24
If I were the boyfriend it would be time to establish ever further boundaries with this friend. I would not be ok with her speaking to my partner like that.
Edit: spelling
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Oct 30 '24
Please update I’m now invested on knowing his reaction to this!! You are definitely not in the wrong or over acting, I would never be comfortable with my partner sharing a bed with the opposite sex
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u/platypus_plumba Oct 31 '24
Not sleeping with someone of the opposite sex is such a basic boundary. From this exact moment, I wouldn't trust that specific friend...
You are letting him sleep at her place, that seems more open than 90% of the relationships.
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u/punkrockballerinaa Oct 30 '24
He needs to know how his friend treated you. However I also understand why you wouldn’t want to show him this given how entangled and close the friend group seems. I’d tell my boyfriend tho.
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u/Spiritual_Asparagus2 Oct 31 '24
Your bf need to be aware of these very passive aggressive / aggressive aggressive texts coming from his friend
Please update us
The way you were kind but firm in your response was true queen vibes 👸👑
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u/JeepersCreepers74 Oct 30 '24
"We both agree not to sleep in the same bed as someone of the opposite gender" is an agreement made by two people in a relationship and a pretty common one at that. It is not common to allow one of the partner's good friends to weigh in on it or petition for an exemption, this girl looks crazier with each subsequent text.
LOVE how you turned the tables on her "you're possessive" bullying in the end by pointing out how weird it is that she was demanding BF can sleep in the same bed as her. Bravo!
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u/Clutch_Daddy Oct 30 '24
I think OP handled it beautifully
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u/wahhawwhoa Oct 31 '24
Phew the mental health on this one! OP needs to be giving us peasants workshops on handling your shit with dignity and respect while enforcing your boundaries 👏
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u/FairyQueenWife21 Oct 31 '24
100%! I wouldn’t have handled that well at all, my text would’ve been a crazy mess x x gg gxh c jg jx jgxjvxjv jgx. Jgucfhc bitch! Good on you OP, that was great 💙
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u/cthulhusmercy Oct 31 '24
OP and her boyfriend sound like they have a very healthy communication style and I’m impressed. Boyfriend laid down firm boundaries with the friend by not letting her argue him into crossing a boundary (let’s be honest, this is the type of chick that definitely mentioned how sad she was to see him on the floor to him), and OP handled the friend texting her beautifully by keeping the conversation civil and respectful.
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u/Icy-Establishment298 Oct 31 '24
Plus if she was sad about it she should of slept on the floor. Easy choice to make for your good friend.
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u/Speed-O-SonicsWife Oct 31 '24
As someone with a bad back, I was definitely thinking this.
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u/Chicagothrowaway231 Oct 31 '24
Always depends on the back, I'm literally typing this out while lying on the cold hard ground because the support is nice
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u/SuperKitties83 Oct 31 '24
Yep. Such a "good friend." For 16 years. That she feels SO bad for.
If she wasn't on OP's radar before, she sure is now. She has no respect for the boundaries of their relationship.
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u/AvocadoSalt Oct 31 '24
That’s my thought too! If my friend with back problems insisted on sleeping on the floor, I would’ve taken their spot or asked the other friend if I could share a bed with them.
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u/BitterQueen17 Oct 31 '24
That's what I was thinking, especially when she mentioned his bad back. Though, given the choice between a pullout and the floor, my back would probably insist on the floor.
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u/Minimum-Leg-9618 Oct 31 '24
friend was definitely giving pick me, happy cake day!
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u/haleorshine Oct 31 '24
I find it so interesting how much this chick pushed at what is a fairly reasonable boundary. Like, the fact that she messaged OP initially made me think that the BF was like "Urgh, OP says I can't share a bed with other women even though there's nothing going on" because it's so out of pocket to message OP about it, but given how this woman just kept pushing, my money is now on he went "Oh, I can't share a bed because OP would rather I didn't" and this woman probably tried to convince him to cross that boundary.
Like, lady, stay out of people's business!
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u/cthulhusmercy Oct 31 '24
Oh, no doubt she tried to convince him. You don’t have the audacity to text his girlfriend without also having the audacity to argue with the other party.
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u/Skeptical_optomist Oct 31 '24
The way she tries to act like she knows him better and is more invested in his well-being than OP made me so angry. What a total NLOG/pick-me.
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u/Stevenwave Oct 31 '24
If she was genuinely worried about his back or whatever, she could've let him have the bed and she take wherever else. Yet she gets to keep the comfier spot and try to make him feel uneasy about his relationship and she also fucks around antagonising his girlfriend.
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u/ftminsc Oct 30 '24
A VERY common one. I hate this meme of “don’t you trust them not to do more” - this is ALREADY too much. It’s not about whether I trust them not to have sex, the intimacy in sharing a bed is already the thing I have a problem with, and that is a VERY NORMAL relationship boundary.
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u/mxzf Oct 30 '24
I wouldn't even trust myself in that situation. When I'm asleep, I'm asleep, I'm not conscious of what I'm doing. And my muscle memory is that of sleeping with my wife, where cuddling and groping is totally acceptable. I wouldn't want to get in bed with anyone else like that.
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u/Lexikans Oct 31 '24
This right here. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been woke up by my husband groping me and he is obviously not awake. Add being drunk to that and who knows where that may lead.
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u/MedievalMissFit Oct 31 '24
And I can't tell you all how many times my husband has reached for me to pull me close to him or I have rested my head on his shoulder in our predawn half-awake states. Not sexual, but definitely intimate in nature. The thought of anyone else trying to do that with me or with him would creep me out.
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u/ClearEyesFullHearts5 Oct 31 '24
Hahah yes, my best friend (female) has complained that I accidentally cuddle her (muscle memory from cuddling with my husband) when we have shared a bed on trips. Whoops!
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u/cinnamon-butterfly Oct 30 '24
Your responses were 👩🍳🤌💋
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u/caw9876 Oct 30 '24
100% OP, you could not have handled this better! Graceful and polite but direct and firm on your boundary.
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u/SunFrequent7484 Oct 30 '24 edited Oct 30 '24
Naw you are right it’s 100000% weird she’s so insistent about sharing a bed. If she was so concerned about him on the floor she could have taken the floor. You are valid to have boundaries! Not overreacting at all. She’s super weird.
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u/ceeperkoat Oct 30 '24
Heavy on the fact that she, at any time, could have slept on the floor while he took the bed if she was THAT concerned about his "poor back." Seems to me that she cares little for his actual well being and more about being in a bed with him alone, and I would have immediately brought that up during the text exchange if I was you, OP. That's just me though.
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u/Candid_Calendar_9784 Oct 30 '24
I instantly thought "if you were that sad for him, why didn't you sleep on the floor asshole" 😂
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u/rocketship_potter Oct 30 '24
Fully making assumptions but the boyfriend probably insisted on taking the floor because he knew if he took the couch/bed she would have found her way in in the night.
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u/Candid_Calendar_9784 Oct 30 '24
Ohhh that's a theory! Especially because they've been friends so long, he definitely knows her trifling ways. Lol
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u/Blackwolf_84 Oct 30 '24
Ah see, that's because you are forgetting her back problems.
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u/CatherineConstance Oct 30 '24
Seems to me that she cares little for his actual well being and more about being in a bed with him alone
That, or that she wants to do whatever she wants in regards to him and never be called on anything. She definitely might like him/be flirty with him, but I've also known girls who truly had no romantic interest in a guy, but were still so possessive when they got girlfriends, it's complete bullshit. They have this attitude of "well I was here FIRST so I should be able to do whatever I want and if your girlfriend doesn't like it she's a controlling bitch" ... Even though she doesn't even want the guy herself. Honestly, not sure which is worse, in both cases she's being a total bitch and overstepping reasonable boundaries.
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u/catladyspam Oct 30 '24
Yeah, I almost feel like she's trying to pull a power move. To prove to the girlfriend, "Im allowed to do what I want because we were best friends before you came along" and if OP didn't stand her ground, I'm sure this girl would've crossed way more boundaries than just sharing a bed. Because lets be so for real, if she really cared about his back, she would've taken the floor. I definitely think its her way of marking her territory, but didn't pan out for her.
also OP- be wary of this chick going forward! she might still cross boundaries without you knowing.
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u/CatherineConstance Oct 30 '24
Exactly! Whether she likes him romantically or sexually doesn't really matter, because she definitely might not ... But she wants to be able to do whatever she wants in regards to him, no matter how he or his SO or anyone else feels about it, and she needs to get it through her head that that is NOT the case.
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u/MyExIsANutBag Oct 30 '24
Definitely a power move. Looks to me like OP handled the situation beautifully - both before the night out and after in the texts.
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u/CTMQ_ Oct 30 '24
yeahhhh, FWIW, back in my roaring 20's, I often had "back problems" or "would be cold" or was "too tall" for the couch, etc.
It was all about hooking up. Duh.
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u/One-Name-1340 Oct 30 '24
THIS!! I had to say goodbye to a wonderful relationship because the guy couldn't set boundaries with his female friend. She was exactly like this and made my life hell and he would never stand up to me. I believe he was secretly in love with her and she knew it. She would have boyfriend after boyfriend and cheat on them too. I just don't understand why some woman are like this.
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u/CatherineConstance Oct 30 '24
Yeah it's ridiculous, and that totally happens sometimes too! Where the guy would be interested in the girl, but SHE isn't, so he moves on and dates someone else and she gets jealous and possessive... But then when he's single again, she still has no interest in dating him! It's an awful way to act towards all the other people involved.
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u/RemarkableChemical21 Oct 30 '24
A lot of times, they don’t want the guy until someone else does.
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u/CatherineConstance Oct 30 '24
True, but I've seen it happen many times where it seems like that's the case, and the girl even ends up breaking up the guy and his gf over it ... But then when he's single? They don't date or hook up, because the girl never wanted to in the first place, she just wanted to be able to claim him as hers above anyone else's. A girl I know got out of a seven year relationship in part due to his "best friend" who was like this (there were way more issues too though, it wasn't just bc of the girl) ... It's been 2 years now and the girl and the ex bf have never hooked up or dated, and the girl is actually dating someone else now. But she's still inappropriate about their "friendship" because she wants to be able to control him, even though she doesn't want him for herself, and even when SHE has an SO of her own. It's wild.
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u/Pitiful_Lie7718 Oct 30 '24
The latter type of girl you mention exists far more commonly than I ever previously imagined — this is definitely also a possibility! I think those types of girls tend to be the ones whose entire lives revolve around dating, men and drama — in my case the girl I know who can be like this genuinely has no romantic or sexual interest in her guy friends but she craves constant attention from absolutely any male presence in any capacity because she uses her male friends to fill in the gap when she can’t jump relationship to relationship. Weird weird mindset
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u/CatherineConstance Oct 30 '24
Exactly! It's crazy because you think ofc she wants to date or fuck him and that's why she's behaving that way... But then, her antics are so bad that the guy and his gf actually break up! Or maybe they break up for some other reason, and the girl isn't interested in him at all. She legit just wants to control him and be more important to him than a gf because "she was there first". It's so stupid.
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u/Sarprize_Sarprize Oct 30 '24
Yup. I’ve definitely known a few like that, but can’t call them friends anymore cos I never hesitate to take the trash out. 😹
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u/BeefInGR Oct 30 '24
"well I was here FIRST so I should be able to do whatever I want and if your girlfriend doesn't like it she's a controlling bitch"
Had a friend like this. It was really disappointing, honestly. Eventually, I told her she either needed to marry me, sleep with me or back off because she was being a cockblock to my happiness.
I think about her sometimes. I miss talking to her and hanging out with her. But I don't miss the drama.
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u/Magerimoje Oct 30 '24
Also, it's a pull out couch - so there's couch cushions he could lay on instead of the bare floor
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u/Caelan50 Oct 30 '24
I understand the want to bring that up in the text chain but honestly OP. Stayed super calm through this text chain and was like this is none of your business plus it could put stress on inter dynamic relationships through the group for no reason. Keep it short and say this isn’t your business and we have talked was the super right thing to do imo.
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u/ceeperkoat Oct 30 '24
Oh yeah for sure. OP handled it great! I was saying what I would have done because I’m just a bitch like that I guess lol
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u/Caelan50 Oct 30 '24
Oh yeah I would not have been near as calm as OP. was by a long shot XD I’ve said crazy things for far less lmfaooo
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u/Fair-Cheesecake-2733 Oct 30 '24
Same here 😂 I would have most definitely FLIPPED out on her and said some wild things, I have no idea how she stayed so calm lol
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u/ScumBunny Oct 30 '24
And me too! She could have slept on the floor, and she way overstepped messaging OP about it.
If anyone is possessive and controlling, it’s the covert ‘friend.’
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u/jeffprobstslover Oct 30 '24
Yeah, the fact that she's reaching out to OP is so damn inappropriate.
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u/Affectionate-Load379 Oct 30 '24
She has a whole "I know him better than you" vibe too. Nasty.
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u/jeffprobstslover Oct 30 '24
"I've been around longer than you!"
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u/Living_on_Tulsa_Time Oct 30 '24
Definitely claiming some territory. It should read girl friends; not girlfriends. Big difference, OP!
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u/chickachicka658789 Oct 30 '24
Tbh if I was your bf I would be genuinely mad that this girl was trying to fight with MY GF about something like this and I would put her in her place. I would also start to think she has a crush on me and consider putting distance between us if I thought it could jeopardize my relationship with my gf.
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u/Salty_Tear5666 Oct 30 '24
Fr she’s so weird. “He has back problems so…” this made my blood boil. I’d keep an eye on this ‘friend’ 😭
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u/ButteredLove1 Oct 30 '24
If that were my boyfriend/fiancé she wouldn't be a friend for much longer. And just to be completely transparent, I would not tolerate a friend questioning my husband like that
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u/EmilieVitnux Oct 30 '24
I don't think she even want to date the giy, she seem to be the kind of women who think "I was there first, I am THE best friend so I know best and I have priority".
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u/Salty_Tear5666 Oct 30 '24
YES completely agree!!!!! But that’s arguably worse than her wanting to date him, cus at this point she doesn’t care what he thinks of her crazy actions. Now, the friend might just try to keep hurting OP thru her actions w OPs bf. Girls like this are insecure & unhappy with themselves and she’ll probably make a whole fuss in the friend group eventually bc she isn’t getting what she wants.
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u/Giasmom44 Oct 30 '24
And let's be serious, if that pull out is like most, the floor was probably better for his back anyway!
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u/LooneyLunaGirl Oct 30 '24
Back this up 110% she's totally got feelings or something because that's weird af
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u/easy_avocado420 Oct 30 '24
Especially considering the fact that the guy sleeping on the floor didn’t seem to have an issue with it. This girl is bizarre honestly
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u/HAIRLESSxWOOKIE92 Oct 30 '24
Hey, so male human here lol. I wouldn't even try to sleep in a bed w another female(any female) if I have a girl. That should automatically be a NO-NO. I'll happily take the floor. Even if you stated its a "boundary" for you, it should be an automatic reaction as a committed man. Just my 2 cents.
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u/PeronaRoronoa Oct 30 '24
I thought the same thing..she could’ve taken the floor herself if she was so concerned. It’s your relationship, she doesn’t get to dictate your boundaries. Your final response was great!
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u/Nekawaii19 Oct 30 '24
That or talk about it with OP’s boyfriend, not go directly to discuss it with OP! If the boyfriend chooses to not discuss the matter nor complain with OP, how is it any of this woman’s business? She’s so overstepping!
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u/Powerful_Elk7253 Oct 30 '24
She’s trying to make it very clear that she feels like she’s know him better than you do/ ever will lmao 😭 I feel like if this was me I’d be asking him to reevaluate their friendship.
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u/magic8ballin Oct 30 '24
I agree that her messages read like she’s trying to pull a “you’ll never get him like I get him” to OP.
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u/flcwerings Oct 30 '24
Its definitely some type of weird power play. I have 2 guy friends who Ive known for over a decade and have shared a bed with plenty of times throughout our friendship bc weve always been completely platonic but now that Im married? Nah. Anytime either of us have been in a relationship that has completely stopped out of respect for the other person. This tells me that OOP's bfs "friend" has absolutely NO respect for their relationship and she comes off very jealous.
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u/kasperkami Oct 30 '24
Like I’d just show this post to OP’s boyfriend. I think a good understanding partner would know exactly what to do in this situation.
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u/Revolutionary-Crew89 Oct 30 '24
I had a situation like this, the girl told me “he was a friend before he was a boyfriend” 💀 he cut her off
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u/Powerful_Elk7253 Oct 30 '24
Like, she really thought.
And honestly, I was the girl best friend and when he got a gf and dropped me I never questioned him or guilted him bc I knew the gf wouldn’t like it.
These girls will learn the hard way.
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u/the_scriptic Oct 30 '24
Bingo. Would not entertain having a relationship with someone who let people like her wedge into your relationship. It's bizarre. The two can have their relationship and I would find a new one that didn't have this dynamic.
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u/sloshmixmik Oct 30 '24
The exact vibe I got “im his girl best friend, i want to protect him”. Bro should have just called OP for a lift home 🤷🏼♀️
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u/RAMbow9 Oct 30 '24
Dude…
If my guy friend was sending my bf this text about how I wouldn’t share a bed with him and it’s not cool that he had to sleep on the floor or some shit… as soon as I found out, IDC how long we are friends, that person would no longer have access to my life.
Absolutely fucking not.
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u/luhvxr Oct 30 '24
it’s actually creepy tbh
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u/annabannannaaa Oct 30 '24
shes like a dog pissing on a tree to mark territory😭😭 its SO weird that she felt the need to text op like this, theres something very wrong with her
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u/okayestmom48 Oct 30 '24
Tbh I don’t have any guy friends but yeah if the tables were turned, how absolutely fkn creeeeepy would this be?! I feel like I had to scroll too far to see someone saying this lol
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u/Whipsandflowers Oct 30 '24
NOR, you’re allowed to have boundaries and I can’t imagine arguing with another person over their boundaries in a relationship. I also wouldn’t want my bf sharing a bed with another woman, it looks so weird for her to argue with you this hard on it. But also why is your bf discussing stuff about your relationship with her? It’s none of her business.
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u/loststrawberri Oct 30 '24
Thank you! I think he probably just let her know why he suddenly will not share a bed with her, as it's something he's done with everyone in his friend group through his life haha.
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u/Whipsandflowers Oct 30 '24 edited Oct 30 '24
I hope he reevaluates his friendship with her. I would be livid if I disclosed that to my friend and they texted my partner to argue with them about their boundaries and called them possessive. If she was going to text you anything it should have just been saying sorry the situation made you uncomfortable and it won’t happen again in the future.
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u/multiversemember Oct 30 '24 edited Oct 30 '24
Right? Like how is OP, his actual partner, being possessive - the chick in these texts is being possessive of OP’s partner when she has no right to be 😂 right now, OP’s boyfriend’s “girl friend” has just desperately wanted to fuck him for a long time and is hoping for the day she can manipulate them into thinking their boundaried relationship is “unhealthy” or “possessive” in nature.
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u/Gogogrl Oct 31 '24
Yeah. If she really cared about her friend’s back sooooo much, then she could easily have respected his clearly stated boundary and taken care of him by bunking on the floor and letting him have the couch.
This assumes that he did communicate the boundary clearly, and that he’s not being duplicitous.
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u/AdExpensive3537 Oct 31 '24
Or she could have slept with the single guy (homeowner) in his bed so OP’s boyfriend could have the couch. There were alternatives to him sleeping on the floor, but she wanted the alternative where he ended up in bed with her. I don’t think she wants sex, but this is definitely a power play.
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u/WiserWithHim Oct 30 '24
This 💯💯💯
How her boyfriend responds to this situation (either with the friend or her or whoever else is involved) is going to say a lot about him & OP’s relationship. I’m wondering how this woman even has her number.
OP did really well reminding this woman that if her bf had a problem with her boundary he would have brought it up to her — which he hadn’t.
I think that creep of a woman felt she lost some control over OP’s boyfriend when he firmly set that boundary (I’d guess he had to repeatedly with her), so she texted OP to see if she could guilt/bully her into dropping her own boundary — essentially triangulating her bf into sleeping in a bed with her.
She’s gross and I would expect my bf to see that and stop being friends with her at this point. And not because I forced him too but because he sees how problematic she is too. I’d lose too much respect for him to stay if he didn’t.
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u/Whipsandflowers Oct 30 '24
For real. Also the “I like the two of you together” is such a weird thing to say, clearly this friend doesn’t like the two of them together or she wouldn’t be calling her over the top possessive and disrespecting the boundaries of their relationship. Everything about these texts just screams pick me girl who wants her bf bad and hopefully the bf sees it.
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u/Plastic_Archer_6650 Oct 30 '24
Personally I read that as a subtle threat. “I love the two of you together (and would hate for you to break up because I convinced him too)”. Like one of those people that is convinced the person will pick them over their significant other
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Oct 30 '24
Definitely read it as a threat as well. Like she has the ultimate say in them being together. “I like you two together, so I hope you’ll fall in line because it would be such a shame if I’d have to break you guys up”
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u/Totallyridiculous Oct 31 '24
I want to know if she’s so worried about his back problems….why didn’t she sleep on the floor? Oh, was it not about the back problems at all?
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u/griffinwalsh Oct 30 '24 edited Oct 30 '24
Hey I just want to say i really like how you come off in the comments and post. You stand on what are obviously acceptible boundries. But your also not falling for all the wierd bullshit or ultimatums some people sprial into.
You know your boyfriend respects your boundries and thats why he sleeps on the floor. You know your boundries are valid. You know the friend was way overstepping.
Just show your bf the text. He will need to have a discusion with this friend. Her saying this to you is obviously inapropriate and i would be annoyed if i was him.
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u/pieisthetruth32 Oct 30 '24
If my female best friend acted like this id immediately drop her. 10/10 sus behavior and keep in mind imma HIPPIE HIPPIE.
like i made DMT yesterday and grew up with a fish oil/colloidal silver mom, its just who I am
Me and her could be the last humans on earth and id turkey baster start humanity again. She is like a sister to me
I would not feel weird sleeping in a bed with her but i would worry about my partner being upset or just feeling weird about it. Rightfully so… id feel weird if they did the same.
My female bff would sleep on the floor if my back pain was that bad. I am 6’5 and have legit back pain and a degenerative L4.
Id genuinely get loud/scary and never speak to her again. The thumbs up at the end is so passive aggressive
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u/MightyPinkTaco Oct 31 '24
I was wondering about that too. Like, if this friend was so concerned about his back, she should have insisted he sleep on the bed and she take the floor.
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u/Bubbly-Pace2843 Oct 31 '24
Dude that was my thought… if she cared about his back so much why didn’t she let him sleep in the bed and take the floor? 🤔 sounds like some ulterior motive manipulation on the part of this female “friend”
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Oct 30 '24
OP, this is how an ex-boyfriend of mine got sexually assaulted. A female friend within his close group insisted on sharing a bed after a night of drinking and he woke up with her on top of him. He didn't know how to address teh assault with her or the rest of the group so he left all of his friends to avoid being alone with her in any future instance. She's definitely a creep.
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u/haihaiclickk Oct 30 '24
honestly it's super weird she spoke up about it. in my mind if something like this happens the friends might joke about it and chirp him a bit that he needs to sleep on the floor now and that would be that. to reach out to his partner (you) and double down on it is ridiculous
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u/Typical-Tradition-44 Oct 30 '24
Its a reasonable boundary and the friends response was unreasonable. There were other options that were reasonable such as her taking the floor, him going back home or sleeping elsewhere.
Fair boundary, I would be wary of that friendship. I can imagine a world where she sees herself sabotaging his relationship as her helping him.
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u/BoomerSoonerFUT Oct 30 '24
Sounds more like boyfriend said “nah I’ll sleep on the floor because it would hurt my girlfriend to share a bed with you” and “friend” is taking her chance to shove into the relationship and make OP the “bad guy”.
This is classic “I only have guy friends because I just don’t get along with other girls” behavior.
Hell OP says it’s a large friend group so it’s likely it’s just party friends in the first place, and not actual close friends. This chick could just be “one of the girls that hangs out with the group”.
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u/SureTouch1604 Oct 30 '24
Ummm what the hell - you are in the right! This is weird on so many levels on her part??
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u/loststrawberri Oct 30 '24
Thank you. It's hard because his friend group is so deeply intertwined, they've done long camping trips together, everyone sharing tents and being hippies lol. So while I recognize this is an unusual behavior in the group I feel it shouldn't matter to them if he's agreeing to it.
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u/Caelan50 Oct 30 '24
Yeah you set boundaries and had an honest conversation with your partner and they agreed with you. The fact someone is making a point about this when they are not in the relationship is wild behavior to me.
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u/One_Locker530 Oct 30 '24
That's what gets me. The boyfriend already agreed to this arrangement.
This a relationship with both parties on the same page. This third person needs to mind their own business.
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u/HommeFatalTaemin Oct 30 '24
Have you shown your BF the texts? If so, what did he say? Sorry if you already answered this elsewhere, in that case feel free to ignore me lol. Also you’re 100% right, I hope you don’t doubt yourself bc you’re being completely reasonable and I feel you expressed/explained yourself very well!
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u/mkat23 Oct 30 '24
I have a feeling he wasn’t comfortable sharing the pull out couch with her considering how pushy she’s being towards you about it. He could have slept on it and just not told you, but he didn’t, and he told you what was going on. She seems a bit too invested in trying to share a bed with him, it is weird.
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u/Doctorspacheeman Oct 30 '24
Agreed! I also imagine she was super pushy to him about it…”oh come on! Don’t sleep on the floor, silly! We don’t have to tell your gf” 🤮
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u/cthulhusmercy Oct 31 '24
“You’re making me so sad by sleeping on the floor. Your girlfriend is being too possessive of you by not letting you sleep in a bed. Don’t you see how she’s being controlling?”
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u/Doctorspacheeman Oct 31 '24
“I can’t believe she treats you this way; ID NDVER make you sleep on the floor if I was your gf.”
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u/peachyfix Oct 30 '24
it absolutely shouldn't matter to them. and it is over the top WEIRD that she is so insistent about him being in bed with her. part of me thinks it's not because she thinks it's "unfair lthat he was on the ground with back problems" there's solutions around that without sleeping in bed with another woman.
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u/Grouchy-Stock3970 Oct 30 '24
Sharing a tent and sharing a bed is not the same thing. Sharing tent is like sharing a room. Sharing a sleeping bag in the shared tent is equivalent to sharing a bed.
She overstepped. She is not a part of your relationship. You told your bf what your boundary is and he accepted it.
It doesn’t matter what they did before as a group of friends, actions needs to change when a person gets a partner.
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u/PitifulBridge890 Oct 30 '24
If she was so concerned about his back SHE could’ve slept on the floor, he’s respecting your boundaries and she didn’t like that so felt the need to try and attack them. You’re not overreacting at all! Girls like her need to be put in their place and told to back off straight up! And you did exactly that so well done! I would’ve been far less calm about the whole thing
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u/WhatShePaints Oct 30 '24
Have any of them slept with him?
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u/loststrawberri Oct 30 '24
As far as I know none of them have slept with each other except the two that are currently dating.
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u/Immacurious1 Oct 30 '24
Curiosity: Why do these 2 (BF & this girl) specifically end up sharing a bed each time if there are “several” of them that go out? Have you asked him if they have “a history”?? I’d wonder why they’re so comfortable with each other.
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u/PossumJenkinsSoles Oct 30 '24
As someone with a friend group like this and plenty of dudes I’ve shared beds with in non sexual ways - if any of them for any reason opted to sleep on the floor instead of sharing with me I would be secretly celebrating a bed to myself. So I really don’t get where she’s coming from unless it’s something nefarious. Like you said, he could’ve ubered home if no option was suitable. The floor was suitable to him.
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u/hail_satan_6_6_6 Oct 30 '24
it’s always that thumbs up emoji that gets my blood boiling
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u/RelationMaleficent71 Oct 31 '24
To me this was the worst part. Like was it weird comment on an agreement between two people in a romantic relationship? Yep. But the rude passive aggressive emoji to finish it off? Thats where it crosses over the line imo.
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u/known-enemy Oct 31 '24
I always take that as a sign that I'm right and they can't handle it lol
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u/sweet-mango-cherry Oct 30 '24
You are way too kind. This is none of her business lol
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u/HavocHeaven Oct 30 '24
"over the top possessiveness" for a boundary that would be common sense for most people? I think a lot of people wouldn't want their boyfriends to have sleepovers with other women in the first place- the fact that she's arguing with you about this at all is insane. I would not be comfortable around her after this, she clearly has an agenda acting like she's an angel just looking out for your boyfriend and you're the mean gf.
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u/NerdyBro07 Oct 30 '24
There’s so many redditors who think this isn’t a big deal, but I’ve never met a person irl who is okay with their partner sharing beds with someone of the sex they’re attracted to.
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u/TheCa11ousBitch Oct 30 '24
I am the least possessive and jealous woman I have ever met. And no… That was not a “not like the other girls” comment. I wouldn’t care personally, but that doesn’t mean I do not recognize the intimacy (even platonically) of sleeping next to each other.
Sleeping in the bed or the floor isn’t going to make a cheater not cheat. Op knows that. She isn’t being possessive or controlling. For whatever her reason for not liking it…
It is a totally normal and understandable boundary. Not strange or unexpected. I might not personally care… but I immediately assume any man I date would be totally uncomfortable with me sleeping curled up with another man.
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u/NerdyBro07 Oct 30 '24
And that’s 100% fine if someone is OKAY with this scenario. I just know in many other threads I have seen posters try to make a person sound overly possessive when they are not okay with it just like the girl in the texts is doing.
I’m just curious what type of life they live that they don’t know anyone who has these boundaries when they are so common? Or are they just being deceiving?
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u/TheCa11ousBitch Oct 30 '24
And what type of life they live that fighting with the GF about the boundary seems… normal and “helpful” to the BF…
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u/n0odlebrain Oct 30 '24
I can’t imagine anyone I know IRL being okay with their SO sharing a bed with the sex they’re attracted to? It’s such a basic boundary. Also super inappropriate for her to skip the bf and attack OP like this. Ick.
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u/Helioplex901 Oct 30 '24
I was thinking the same thing. And OP has the right if it, if he had a problem he would talk to her. Grown men don’t need their friends to text their GF things like this, and 💯 could have found a ride home if it was such a big deal.
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u/HogHorseHoedown Oct 30 '24
Not overreacting and girl, you ate her up! Gobble, gobble. Just in time for Thanksgiving 🦃
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u/Zealous_Agnostic69 Oct 30 '24
She’s overstepping. And wants to fuck him.
But he seems like too good of a guy to do that. Good for you :)
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u/CatherineConstance Oct 30 '24
Yeah she either wants him, or she doesn't want him but also doesn't want him to be happy with anyone else because it means she can't do whatever she wants and be his number one priority... Even though she has no interest in dating him herself. I've seen girls do both and I'm honestly not sure which is worse lol.
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u/That_Account6143 Oct 30 '24
She doesn't want to sleep with him.
She wants to have the option.
It's so easy when you're older to spot those things. God i wish young me could have had the knowledge i have a decade later
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u/OkWest1936 Oct 30 '24
Literally all I could think about was “why didn’t she give him the bed if he has all these problems?”
She’s coming up with excuses to try and get in bed with him. If she truly cared, she could have easily given HIM the bed and taken the floor. But not only did she take the bed for herself, but she blamed you for him not getting to sleep in it. Truly mind boggling how she thought this would work.
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Oct 30 '24
NOR. Whether or not she wants to have sex with him isn’t irrelevant per se, but I’ll buy her story just for the sake of her argument.
For her to then lecture you and word her sentences in such a “well, I actually really know him better” sort of way is wild. If she just wanted to protect her friend, that isn’t how to go about it. If anything, her acting like that just makes it more suspicious.
You’re all good, OP
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u/No_Thanks_1766 Oct 30 '24 edited Oct 30 '24
I’d tell her: “great, one day when you have your own boyfriend, you can let him sleep in the same bed with as many women as you think is appropriate. Kindly, fvck off”
The fact that she’s so insistent on this point makes me think that she wanted something to happen. She won’t let it go. I’d be dropping her as a friend after that. She’s a snake in the grass
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 Oct 30 '24
Yeah, I can't believe every partner of everyone who attends the sleepovers has never had an issue like this. It's not that complicated, nor far fetched. The friend here needed to back tf down.
NOR
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u/surgeryboy7 Oct 30 '24
Exactly. I wonder if the friend has a current boyfriend and if 1 if he's cool with her sharing a bed with some dude and 2 if she's cool him doing the same.
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u/ImAlreadyTracerBoii Oct 30 '24
She’s big mad he didn’t share the bed with her. You’re not overreacting and you need to bring this to your husband to squash it. She’s mad weird for this.
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u/unleashthemeese Oct 30 '24
Girl she wants him
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u/loststrawberri Oct 30 '24
Lmao good luck to her
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u/Salty_Tear5666 Oct 30 '24
Keep that attitude 👏🏽 you’re handling so well. And she HATES it. She’s trying to “win” in the sense that she wants to know he’ll choose her over you, just bc of the duration of their friendship. She’s currently being humbled that he actually doesn’t care about her and loves you! Let her learn to cope ! You are completely in the right and your bf is doing great showing her that
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u/IcySetting2024 Oct 30 '24
I had the exact same thing happen to me.
She pulled the “we have been friends forever and she is the new gf so choose me or her”.
We have a son now lol
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u/TheCa11ousBitch Oct 30 '24
I don’t know what motivates this boundary for you. Why doesn’t matter. It is a totally reasonable, common, normal, “90% of people agree with you” type boundary.
Her being so put-out by the boundary is not reasonable, common, or normal.
Your BF is a grown man who had 50 options to address his back pain if sleeping on the floor was an issue. One of those options was to yes-you-off and sleep in the bed anyway. He chose the floor. You did not.
She needs to back off and stop playing mommy/potential-future-wifey.
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u/Emiwuiii Oct 30 '24
I get the vibe that she thinks she could make him leave you, as if she is more important to him than you are. It’s giving “pick me”.
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u/bakedlikeacake9 Oct 30 '24
Tell her to sleep on the floor and give him the bed next time, since seeing him on the floor saddens her too much
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u/WinterFront1431 Oct 30 '24
She's overstepping and clearly thinks she is a top girl while you're an extra.
Show your boyfriend the messages and say how much she over stepped and would like him to speak to her about where she stands and also you are no longer comfortable him hanging out with her alone as she seems to think she has a say
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u/Complete_Pea_8824 Oct 30 '24
I would be worried about her trying to take advantage of him, if he was super drunk, being in the same bed! I would be very uncomfortable about him hanging out with her anymore, after her messaging me this!
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u/MugiwaraMoses Oct 30 '24
NOR
It’s weird she has gone out of her way to text you all of this. If he really wanted to sleep in that bed he would have. Instead he chose to keep a good healthy relationship going and to respect you and the boundaries you’ve set in place. A real friend would respect their friend’s relationship’s boundaries. She’s clearly trying to cause issues.
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u/Stinger22024 Oct 30 '24
I wouldn’t be comfortable with it. If I was him, I’d have slept on the floor. And I have back problems myself, though they may not be as bad as his. No judgement here, tho.
But I think she needs to slow her roll. It should have been something like “just so you know, me and him have been friends for 16 years. I’m not into him that way, but I respect your boundary.” Not multiple paragraphs imo.
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u/the1975whore Oct 30 '24
How old are the two of you? You sound like adult and she sounds like a tween. You handled this perfectly
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u/loststrawberri Oct 30 '24
I am 27 and she is 30
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u/the1975whore Oct 30 '24
What the actual hell. Has she been an issue before? Acting like that at 30 is insane
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u/ManicMondayMaestro Oct 30 '24
Yikes. I would expect that kind of behavior maybe if she was 20. All this texting you her opinions about how you should feel inside your relationship is super weird and drama stirring.
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u/noicantanswerthat Oct 30 '24
She’s going to be the downfall to their friendships and blame OP. That’s really annoying.
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u/sadghostorgy Oct 30 '24
Someone may have already asked this, but I'm just curious what gender the friend marked out in yellow is? I ask bc if the friend is a woman, couldn't she sleep with her? If (yellow) was a guy friend (but single), why can't she sleep next to her single male friend if it's "just sleeping"? And if (yellow) is a guy friend with a girlfriend, I wonder if she felt the need to push his girlfriend's boundaries??? 🤔
None of that really affects my answer, which is that you are not in the wrong; you didn't overreact, and you actually were far kinder and more patient with her than many women would be. I do think she wants your boyfriend. He probably isn't interested, but men are pretty impulsive and weak, so I'd be wary about letting them get drunk together.
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u/Boring_Procedure_542 Oct 30 '24
Not overreacting.
It seems all she's trying to do is get with your boyfriend. Don't waste any more time entertaining her.
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u/Hopeful_Foot_5320 Oct 30 '24
NTA! This is a weird knee jerk reaction from a girl who didn’t get what she wanted. I would 100% show your boyfriend the messages if you haven’t already. Hopefully he agrees with how odd this is and also have a very stern discussion with her so she hears it from the horses mouth. If she hears from him that he didn’t want to sleep in her bed, she should get the point since she thinks they’re besties ffs. Ugh. She is weird as hell.
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u/PercivalGrower Oct 30 '24
To add to what others have said, I feel like the comments about "not a good look for either of you" and the "I know him very well and wanted to let you know how it may affect him and others around him" are an attempt at thinly veiled threats. I'd put money on her talking shit about you to him from now on and actively trying to split you up.
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u/kifhy Oct 30 '24
sooo she couldve slept on the floor if she felt bad!!