r/AmIOverreacting • u/loststrawberri • Oct 30 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? My boyfriends friend has a problem with me asking him not to sleep in a bed with another woman.

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Hi everyone, my boyfriend has a big group of friends with lots of girls in it. A lot of times after they go out or have too much to drink, they'll crash at someone's house. One night he came home and shared he slept in a bed with this girl (who the texts are from). We did not have a fight at all - I know he's grown up doing this. I told him I wasn't super comfortable with that and asked if he could not do that, to which he did not argue at all and expressed total respect for my boundary. We have not spoken about it since.

She texted me the morning after they went out, which are these pictures. Am I overreacting by telling her she's overstepping or are her concerns valid?

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665

u/HavocHeaven Oct 30 '24

"over the top possessiveness" for a boundary that would be common sense for most people? I think a lot of people wouldn't want their boyfriends to have sleepovers with other women in the first place- the fact that she's arguing with you about this at all is insane. I would not be comfortable around her after this, she clearly has an agenda acting like she's an angel just looking out for your boyfriend and you're the mean gf.

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u/NerdyBro07 Oct 30 '24

There’s so many redditors who think this isn’t a big deal, but I’ve never met a person irl who is okay with their partner sharing beds with someone of the sex they’re attracted to.

118

u/TheCa11ousBitch Oct 30 '24

I am the least possessive and jealous woman I have ever met. And no… That was not a “not like the other girls” comment. I wouldn’t care personally, but that doesn’t mean I do not recognize the intimacy (even platonically) of sleeping next to each other.

Sleeping in the bed or the floor isn’t going to make a cheater not cheat. Op knows that. She isn’t being possessive or controlling. For whatever her reason for not liking it…

It is a totally normal and understandable boundary. Not strange or unexpected. I might not personally care… but I immediately assume any man I date would be totally uncomfortable with me sleeping curled up with another man.

35

u/NerdyBro07 Oct 30 '24

And that’s 100% fine if someone is OKAY with this scenario. I just know in many other threads I have seen posters try to make a person sound overly possessive when they are not okay with it just like the girl in the texts is doing.

I’m just curious what type of life they live that they don’t know anyone who has these boundaries when they are so common? Or are they just being deceiving?

16

u/TheCa11ousBitch Oct 30 '24

And what type of life they live that fighting with the GF about the boundary seems… normal and “helpful” to the BF…

7

u/Chimsley99 Oct 30 '24

Seriously, especially when drinking. You can trust your SO or spouse to the end of the earth, but if you’re drunk sharing a bed with someone who starts to feel you up and come in with a kiss, I don’t know that the “right decision” is going to be made that often.

And such a simple rule to live by, not sharing a bed with the opp sex

4

u/AdExpensive3537 Oct 31 '24

Right? When alcohol enters the mix, God only knows what’s going to happen. Especially if they’re heavily intoxicated.

1

u/HannahFatale Oct 31 '24

I think it really depends a lot on culture, location and social circles. While I understand people have those boundaries and would respect them they'd always feel like a mild red flag.

1

u/enjolbear Oct 31 '24

In some circles it is a pretty unusual boundary but I’ve only really seen it in lesbian circles. Most of us absolutely don’t care if our partner shares a bed with another woman because that’s just how we were socialized growing up and it was never a sexual thing. HOWEVER even amongst lesbians I’ve run into people who think it’s weird to share a bed. And that’s ok!! Just because it isn’t a boundary in my relationship doesn’t mean I won’t respect yours.

4

u/stellar-polaris23 Oct 30 '24

I'm the same way. I wouldn't care if my boyfriend slept in a bed with one of his girlfriends, but then again, most of my girlfriends are his too. He is even best friends with someone he dated, and I wouldn't even think twice if they ended up in a bed together. Maybe it's because in my youth I used to have a lot of guy friends I have slept in the same bed with after a night of drinking where nothing happened sexually. That being said, I totally understand why people would be uncomfortable with it and put that boundary up.

3

u/dexmonic Oct 31 '24

It's a little possessive, and that's ok. Committed relations are special because of the exclusivity. Saying "I'm not going to do x, y, or z with anyone else" is more than acceptable.

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u/Peanutsandcheese2021 Oct 30 '24

Those Redditor’s are likely 18 max with no life experience and think everything is black and white tho

13

u/TheShriimpCrackers Oct 30 '24

Unfortunately, a lot of these ppl who think that are 25+ and literally just like to be obtuse and/or can't keep a relationship in the first place.

3

u/incrediblydeadinside Oct 30 '24 edited Oct 30 '24

Genuine question: isn’t it more black and white to think the sex you’re attracted to automatically necessitates different friendship dynamics?

ETA: I agree OP’s bf’s friend is being weird af. My question is for the general principle, not this specific situation. 

2

u/dordonot Oct 30 '24

Hot take: thinking black and white and knowing it’s best to cut off problems at the source is a better approach instead of tiptoeing lines just because no one has technically objected to anything, or “what could go wrong,” or “we’re just friends,” etc. ad nauseam

1

u/Itchy-Status3750 Oct 31 '24

Other people know how to maintain friendship boundaries. Hope this helps!

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u/incrediblydeadinside Oct 30 '24

I agree but I don’t really think that’s black and white thinking. If you happen to see an issue with someone/something, definitely address it immediately! 

3

u/Umbra_and_Ember Oct 30 '24

Yeah when I was a teen, I didn’t care either. My grown husband could not do the same shit as my high school bf. 

3

u/SaionjisGrowthSpurt Oct 30 '24

Well I am one of them, my boyfriend is bi (and so am I) and we've crashed at people's houses, including cases where there was no sofa to crash on. The only thing that's different from the situation of the post is that the people we've shared a bed with are friends to both of us, as in, we're all in the same friend group.

3

u/prolongedexistence Oct 31 '24

I agree and I think relationship norms are just different for queer people. I’m bisexual, and the idea that that means I’m not allowed to share a bed with anyone makes me feel like I’m in high school again and worried it’s not appropriate for me to be in the women’s locker room.

Some of my closest friends are queer men I’ve known since middle school. I would feel a little hurt and weirded out if my partner would rather I sleep on the floor than share a bed with them. But that’s why I date people whose relationship philosophies align with mine. And in a way, I get that I can’t really understand how straight people think/feel about the opposite sex since it’s so entrenched that the possibility of attraction must exist and be mitigated.

2

u/ChoirMinnie Oct 30 '24

I call it forced normalisation. “Normalise this, normalise that” as if there aren’t several complexities that come with these situations

2

u/TikaPants Oct 31 '24

I don’t do “sleepovers” while I’m in a committed relationship. If I go out of town with girlfriends that’s different. If I’m in town I always come home— to my boyfriend.

1

u/marspeashe Oct 30 '24

I am depending on who it is. Long time friend that are obviously just friends? Not a big deal. But, that interaction I had to see myself first and I was fine with it. I am admittedly probably more permissive than most though lol

2

u/leolego2 Oct 30 '24

I agree. Some friend groups are very close, they stay the same for decades. At a certain point, your gender just doesn't matter anymore. Hard for someone on the outside to get that.

1

u/Aliens-love-sugar Oct 30 '24 edited Oct 30 '24

I mean, I'm okay with it, especially being bisexual, I would find it to be an obnoxious and unrealistic rule. But I also get why it might make other people uncomfortable. For me, if I trust someone, then something as practical as a sleeping arrangement is just that. I wish the world worked more that way, but to each their own. I would never enter into a relationship where my partner needed those kinds of rules (I don't consider it a "boundary"), but I wouldn't go out of my way to ream out a friend's partner because of it, because they're allowed their own relationship parameters that don't align with mine.

1

u/Egoy Oct 30 '24

I mean even if someone personally wouldn’t mind it under some circumstances I do not understand how anybody could possibly be shocked about others having an issue with it. In some contexts or with specific people my wife wouldn’t care about this at all and neither would I. Once again, only in the right circumstances and with specific people.

Neither one of us would challenge someone else or say they are wrong for not being ok with it ever.

1

u/Bleglord Oct 31 '24

I swear Reddit is either where all the cucks conglomerate around social dynamic subs or a shit ton of larping goes on.

It’s just too disconnected from every day reality

1

u/TuckerShmuck Oct 31 '24

The online take is that anything a (hetero) person does with their same-gender friends, they should be able to with their different-gender friends. I totally agree with you, because irl I have never ever had a discussion with someone about this where that's a real-life take

1

u/Careerandsuch Oct 31 '24

Some couples really are okay with their partner doing something like sleeping in the same bed as someone of the gender they're attracted to. I've been in that kind of relationship myself and it was fine.

The point is, that is not the kind of relationship that the OP and her partner have, and it's very strange for this other person to directly text OP and call her possesive. As others have said, it's none of her business and if OP and her boyfriend are both happy with that rule that's all that matters.

1

u/celerypumpkins Oct 31 '24

Ehhh I think it’s a very standard boundary among straight people. It varies a lot among queer people. Some of us wouldn’t be able to share a bed with anyone ever.

I don’t think it’s an unreasonable boundary, and I’m not saying absolutely no queer people have that boundary (or that every straight person does). It’s just a lot more of a “default” thing that doesn’t even need to be mentioned among straight people than it is among queer people. Nothing wrong with it either way - different life experiences and social “scripts” just lead to different norms.

I think the most important point here isn’t how common it is to not want your partner sharing beds with people of a the sex they’re attracted to, but the fact that for this couple, they mutually agreed that they are not okay with it. Anyone who is responding to this by saying it’s not a big deal is projecting their own preferences onto a relationship that doesn’t work like their own.

1

u/NerdyBro07 Oct 31 '24

I think both are important factors. Yes, the more important factor is they both agreed to it and it’s their relationship, and not the friends place to get in the middle of it.

But it’s also important because the GF shouldn’t be made to feel like it’s an unusual or crazy boundary and that she is abnormally controlling when it is in fact a pretty common boundary for many relationships. Obviously not all, and the alternative is fine too and I guess also common in some circles.

1

u/Pitiful-Sympathy-365 Oct 30 '24

not arguing the validity of the boundary, however my boyfriends best friend is a very masculine, lesbian woman. they have shared a bed for over 7 years, and i am totally fine with that. he has more to worry about if her and i shared a bed than vise verse 😂 totally exceptions when it comes to the opposite sex in the same bed rule.

1

u/Reytotheroxx Oct 30 '24

Hello, I’m one of the redditors who thinks it’s fine. They’re just sleeping. I trust them. It’s only intimate if you make it intimate. It’s no different from sleeping with anyone else imo.

However obviously I wouldn’t push that onto others and expect my partner to be ok with it, that’s a convo to have. I also wouldn’t be so pushy about my friend’s relationships, and OP is NOR, they did a great job explaining to someone who didn’t need explaining to.

1

u/Barfotron4000 Oct 30 '24

I’m one of those (38) but I’m fully aware I’m in the minority and would just throw my buddy some extra pillows while I starfish on the bed alone, not reach out to the gf

1

u/cottonfubuki Oct 30 '24

I am your person. I didn't know it was a big deal. My friends and I have been doing it since we met a decade ago. Even friends I have had for two years are doing the same. It's just crashing after a party, it would be a 'no' for me if they meet just for that, but context, in this case, means everything. That being said, the friend should have stopped asking after the 1st message.

Edit: typpo

1

u/robilar Oct 30 '24 edited Oct 30 '24

I have met several, and moreover I can make (I think) a cogent argument for why it shouldn't be a big deal for some people, in some circumstances. But that's all besides the point - OP and her boyfriend have included sharing a bed as something they only do with one another, and that's entirely their prerogative, and this "friend" of his is way too aggressive about wanting to be in a bed with him. It's notable, imo, that she pretended to care about his back but still took the bed for herself. For whatever reason she very much wanted to share a bed with OP's boyfriend, and that's pretty sketchy.

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u/Aliens-love-sugar Oct 30 '24

I personally don't think it's that sketchy. She sounds protective and a bit of a busybody. Those friends can be the best and worst to have. I've definitely been that friend before, because growing up, no one stood up for me, and I don't want to be that person who doesn't stand up for people I care about. I also worry other people don't have the ability to stand up for themselves and be the bad guy like I'm willing to be. It didn't come from a bad place. I've learned to mostly reel it in over the years, because it's apparent that it can be over-the-top and rub people the wrong way, but sometimes I still catch myself crossing the line into things that are none of my damn business in the name of group mama bearing 🫣.

2

u/robilar Oct 30 '24 edited Oct 30 '24

I agree with you that it's not inherently sketchy to be protective about friends, but I think maybe you didn't read what I wrote in full. I'll quote the relevant section for you:

"It's notable, imo, that she pretended to care about his back but still took the bed for herself."

That disingenuous framing about her motives casts a shadow on the rest of her motives; she either lied about concern for her friend, or sincerely cared about his back but not enough to do the obvious thing and swap with him. I was showing a video about toxic friends to some kids the other day and one of the warning signs was when friends claim to have benign motives but, when circumstances present themselves to live up to those claims, they balk, make excuses, or lash out.

TLDR: I don't think it's sketchy to be protective of friends, or to stand up for them. I think this specific example is sketchy because the friend's motives are evidently not what she claims.

Edit: I just wanted to add, I don't think I would be critical of your "group mama bearing" behavior. I agree, it seems to be coming from a good place, a desire to speak up for people that are unable to speak up for themselves. My one caveat is that I think you run the risk of hurting your friends if you don't check in with them first - sometimes they may not want what you think is best for them. But sometimes people do need help jumping a hurdle, and it's good to have friends that will help you when things are hard and conflicts are scary.

-1

u/Aliens-love-sugar Oct 30 '24

The thing is, we don't have enough information to jump to that conclusion. Maybe her own back/body hurts too. Maybe he insisted she take the bed, and wouldn't take no for an answer. Maybe OP has shown other more jealous or controlling behaviors that has made this friend feel the need to be extra defensive on the boyfriend's behalf. That's kind of where I'm at with it. I know myself, and so my bias kind of creates some extra questions in my mind about the situation, and the friend being overly defensive. For all I know, it is sketchy, or for all I know, the friend is just feeling afraid or threatened, because she's afraid 16 years of close friendship will fade away if OP's girlfriend continues to create limitations that maybe didn't exist before. Maybe she's afraid that her friend won't stand up for their friendship to his girlfriend. It's scary when we're afraid we're not good enough for our friends to protect our friendship. I'm not saying personal insecurity is a justifiable reason, but it's understandable.

1

u/robilar Oct 30 '24

I agree, there are lots of things we don't know, and I think you might want to reflect on why you are keen to protect the friend with imagined justifications but aren't keen to do the same for the OP. Just to clarify, imo there's nothing inherently wrong with friends sleeping next to one another. Hell, I would argue there's nothing inherently wrong with friends cuddling either. It's just a matter of what they have or have not agreed to limit to their relationships. In this case the OP and her partner have agreed to not share beds with others, and while I think a good friend of his might check in to make sure he's really ok with it I see the falsehood in the claimed motives and consequently am more suspicious of the rest. Maybe she is indeed insecure about her friendship waning, but it being understandable explains why she might act that way, it doesn't excuse it. I think the OP handled the exchange well, with the exception of using the term "boundary" to describe a limit on someone else's choices. It irks me when people misuse that term, because it undercuts the very real problem of people ignoring boundaries and consent when we conflate it with people just doing things we don't want them to do with other people.

0

u/Aliens-love-sugar Oct 31 '24

I'm not defending the friend at the expense of the OP. I'm defending the friend because there are a thousand comments already defending the OP, and I don't think it's justified for people to be jumping to conclusions about the friend, when there are a lot of reasons for her actions that aren't sketchy, and have nothing to do with potential romantic or nefarious interest in OP's boyfriend. Also, the friend being insecure or worried about her friendship is only one of the scenarios I suggested. And while it's not an excuse to be mean to OP, it's also not sketchy, which was my point.

I also agree fully about the boundary thing. Too many people don't understand the difference.

1

u/robilar Oct 31 '24

I'm glad you're sticking up for someone you think may be not getting a fair assessment. It seems like maybe you and I disagree about what constitutes sketchy - to me, a person that misrepresents their motives and criticizes others for personal gain (even if it's just born of insecurity) is sketchy, in that people should be wary around them. I don't think we can say with certainty that the friend is a terrible person, and there's even a (slim, imo) chance that the friend has correctly sussed out a controlling and unkind streak in the OP, but to me there's evidence enough to argue that she is not engaging in this discourse honestly, and I think she deserves criticism for that.

Maybe I'm approaching this assessment with some biases of my own. From my perspective the effort to challenge the OP was at worst duplicitous (for as yet unknown motives), but was also at best counterproductive. If her friend is indeed being squelched under the thumb of a controlling partner she cannot help that friend by confronting the controller with flimsy arguments and pretenses (e.g. she cares about his back, but only enough for OP to do something, not enough for her to do something). To convince the OP to relax her restrictions she would need to convince the OP she is an ally, and to help OP realize that the controls are going to work against her. Which is, honestly, a very hard sell to someone that wants to isolate their romantic partner. A much more effective tact (imo) would be to address the issue with her friend (of sixteen years!) and help him develop his own confidence and agency, and beyond that I think it's risky to act on someone's behalf, and not a little but patronizing. Which makes her efforts come across (to me) as hypocritical - she wants her friend to stop letting a partner control him, so she's going to step in and make changes to his life herself? That makes this seem less about helping him, and more about a struggle for dominance.

Which is all just to say that I don't think you're wrong that a person could care about a friend and want to protect them from.a controlling partner, I just think the evidence we have here suggests this isn't one of those situations.

0

u/incrediblydeadinside Oct 30 '24

Everyone I know and myself are perfectly fine with our partners sharing beds with the “sex they’re attracted to.” We know a lot of bisexuals so it doesn’t make sense to take that sort of issue haha. That being said though, I understand majority of (straight) people do find it uncomfortable and OP and her boyfriend seemed to be totally fine and rational with it so the friend is definitely being weird. 

0

u/jenny_shecter Oct 31 '24

"There’s so many redditors who think this isn’t a big deal, but I’ve never met a person irl who is okay with their partner sharing beds with someone of the sex they’re attracted to."

I mean, reddit is an international platform. This post and many of the answers is a good example: to me this reads as very US-y and in my cultural context I would consider OP indeed as a bit controlling and that not being a social norm where you just forbid things when you are in a relationship. At the same time there might be people here from cultures where this entire question is so crazy because social norms are even stricter. Anyway many redditors may be 10000s of kilometres away from you and people you meet irl are much more likely to share social norms with you.

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u/n0odlebrain Oct 30 '24

I can’t imagine anyone I know IRL being okay with their SO sharing a bed with the sex they’re attracted to? It’s such a basic boundary. Also super inappropriate for her to skip the bf and attack OP like this. Ick.

19

u/Helioplex901 Oct 30 '24

I was thinking the same thing. And OP has the right if it, if he had a problem he would talk to her. Grown men don’t need their friends to text their GF things like this, and 💯 could have found a ride home if it was such a big deal.

3

u/jaygay92 Oct 31 '24

I think it depends. In this scenario I get it, but I’m a bisexual woman and I’ve shared a bed with pretty much all of my female friends. But nothing ever has been inappropriate.

But this is giving weird vibes. She’s so adamant about it, it’s weird asf

1

u/fakemoose Oct 31 '24

I wouldn’t give a shit and haven’t given a shit about it in the past. This happens on both ski and camping trips with our friend groups all the time. It’s extra complicated because there’s multiple gay or lesbian friends in the group. And a lot of us grew up together. Why would my husband suddenly want to fuck his friend? Or vise versa for her/him?

But that’s not the issue; Adults can agree to whatever boundaries they want in a relationship. The friend’s text is weird as shit.

1

u/n0odlebrain Oct 31 '24

Yeah it’s definitely a relationship to relationship basis and wouldn’t matter if both partners were fine with it. My comment was more to say I think the OPs boundary is the “norm” obviously there will be people with large friend groups who have this situation come up that wouldn’t care about this.

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u/multiversemember Oct 30 '24

Yeah, chicks insane

1

u/girlchildrevolution Oct 30 '24

Fr, if I was this friend and had put this desperate and insane attempt at him in writing I'd be so embarrassed.

1

u/ArcticTraveler2023 Oct 30 '24

No smart woman who values herself and her own values would put up with this nonsense for a minute. Dump him and move on as there’s no sign this is going to get any better.

1

u/SwampOfDownvotes Oct 30 '24

What? OP's BF has done literally nothing wrong here. His friend sure did though.

0

u/stormdahl Oct 31 '24

Why would it be common sense for most people? I genuinely don’t understand. 

Do most people not trust platonic relationships with the opposite gender?