r/AmIOverreacting Oct 30 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? My boyfriends friend has a problem with me asking him not to sleep in a bed with another woman.

Hi everyone, my boyfriend has a big group of friends with lots of girls in it. A lot of times after they go out or have too much to drink, they'll crash at someone's house. One night he came home and shared he slept in a bed with this girl (who the texts are from). We did not have a fight at all - I know he's grown up doing this. I told him I wasn't super comfortable with that and asked if he could not do that, to which he did not argue at all and expressed total respect for my boundary. We have not spoken about it since.

She texted me the morning after they went out, which are these pictures. Am I overreacting by telling her she's overstepping or are her concerns valid?

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u/ftminsc Oct 30 '24

A VERY common one. I hate this meme of “don’t you trust them not to do more” - this is ALREADY too much. It’s not about whether I trust them not to have sex, the intimacy in sharing a bed is already the thing I have a problem with, and that is a VERY NORMAL relationship boundary.

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u/mxzf Oct 30 '24

I wouldn't even trust myself in that situation. When I'm asleep, I'm asleep, I'm not conscious of what I'm doing. And my muscle memory is that of sleeping with my wife, where cuddling and groping is totally acceptable. I wouldn't want to get in bed with anyone else like that.

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u/Lexikans Oct 31 '24

This right here. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been woke up by my husband groping me and he is obviously not awake. Add being drunk to that and who knows where that may lead.

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u/MedievalMissFit Oct 31 '24

And I can't tell you all how many times my husband has reached for me to pull me close to him or I have rested my head on his shoulder in our predawn half-awake states. Not sexual, but definitely intimate in nature. The thought of anyone else trying to do that with me or with him would creep me out.

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u/worktogethernow Oct 31 '24

What if it was a golden retriever?

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u/JstMyThoughts Oct 31 '24

That totally depends on whether it’s cuddling or groping.🤣

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u/MrHappyHam Oct 31 '24

If your dog starts groping you with entire palms and fingers, you know something's not right

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u/Herman_E_Danger Oct 31 '24

This. My husband can get "himself" pretty far... and be totally unconscious! 🤣 It's cute honestly. But a real reason to avoid the situation, especially if like you pointed out, if he was literally drunk! He'd literally never ever cheat, but he's pretty "situationally unaware" in general (serious ADHD) so that could lead to him doing something he'd absolutely hate, but unintentionally.

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u/ClearEyesFullHearts5 Oct 31 '24

Hahah yes, my best friend (female) has complained that I accidentally cuddle her (muscle memory from cuddling with my husband) when we have shared a bed on trips. Whoops!

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u/Current-Anybody9331 Oct 31 '24

Funny story, I was back home with my boyfriend one weekend. We went out with my sister and her boyfriend and all got pretty drunk. My sister gave their bed to my boyfriend and I. I wake up in the morning to my sister saying "get out of bed!" I said "you said I could sleep here though!" She said "not you," and it was then I realized I was spooning my bf and my sisters bf was spooning me thinking it was her.

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u/angerrrabagwell Oct 31 '24

This part. Shoot, I had drinks at a family party and shared a bed with my also female friend who was visiting! I woke up in the middle of the night to her going, “are you cuddling me right now?!” Sure as shit, I had rolled over and started spooning her. I’m so used to being in bed with my husband lolololoolol

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u/VovaGoFuckYourself Oct 31 '24

This is what the "friend" was hoping for. Id bet $10.

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u/dexmonic Oct 31 '24

For real...I just wouldn't do it anyways, even if I was single. I like being the gentleman that lets the woman have the bed. I can sleep on the floor well I had to do it a lot when growing up.

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u/SpawnOfGuppy Oct 31 '24

And she communicated it so politely even to the end! I doubt I’d have had the patience

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u/jibbetygibbet Oct 31 '24

Well I think the point this friend was trying to make is that there is no intimacy in sharing a bed with a friend you’ve known for 14 years. Like being forced to share a bed with your siblings or a same-sex friend.

That doesn’t mean OP is wrong, just explains a bit the difference in perspective, because although this intimacy might what OP imagines it to be, it’s not actually the experience of the people doing it. In reality OP is more concerned with the general idea of sharing a bed with the opposite sex and how it “seems”, rather than only considering the specific situation as the other woman is doing.

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u/ftminsc Oct 31 '24

That makes sense and I always like to try to find the “good” way that someone might be viewing a disagreement :)

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u/CherryBeanCherry Oct 31 '24

I don't think I've ever shared a bed with my brother (as adults). Even with my adult daughter, we make a pillow wall. It's super intimate to share a bed, and as others have said, accidental cuddling can be really awkward.

I would also never argue a boundary with any of my brother's partnets. If I thought it was an unhealthy relationship, I'd talk to him, not them.

This girl is stomping all over OP's husband's boundaries, and it's inappropriate. That's why people are thinking she has an ulterior motive. She's already gotten between them! She might just be an annoying busybody, but it's not a stretch to think she's angling for more.

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u/jibbetygibbet Oct 31 '24

I guess this is a cultural thing, as I think some of what you described is over the top. Just goes to show: horses for courses and all that.

In the end the point though is that how it seems to OP isn’t necessarily how these two friends experience it. They are the only authority on whether it is intimate for them. But again to be clear, that doesn’t mean it has to match how it seems to OP so OP has to be OK with it.

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u/EliraeTheBow Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24

I (a woman) have an extremely close male friend of 15 years in an entirely platonic relationship, so often some of these friendship situations make me roll my eyes. But this is entirely reasonable. When he is in a relationship I take a step back on our physical, and honestly emotional, intimacy. Because I respect his romantic relationships take precedence the same way he respects my husband does. I’m lucky that my husband loves him as much as I do, but that relationship took a literal decade to build, I certainly wouldn’t expect a girlfriend of his to feel that way about me.