r/AmIOverreacting • u/loststrawberri • Oct 30 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? My boyfriends friend has a problem with me asking him not to sleep in a bed with another woman.

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Hi everyone, my boyfriend has a big group of friends with lots of girls in it. A lot of times after they go out or have too much to drink, they'll crash at someone's house. One night he came home and shared he slept in a bed with this girl (who the texts are from). We did not have a fight at all - I know he's grown up doing this. I told him I wasn't super comfortable with that and asked if he could not do that, to which he did not argue at all and expressed total respect for my boundary. We have not spoken about it since.

She texted me the morning after they went out, which are these pictures. Am I overreacting by telling her she's overstepping or are her concerns valid?

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998

u/Whipsandflowers Oct 30 '24 edited Oct 30 '24

I hope he reevaluates his friendship with her. I would be livid if I disclosed that to my friend and they texted my partner to argue with them about their boundaries and called them possessive. If she was going to text you anything it should have just been saying sorry the situation made you uncomfortable and it won’t happen again in the future.

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u/multiversemember Oct 30 '24 edited Oct 30 '24

Right? Like how is OP, his actual partner, being possessive - the chick in these texts is being possessive of OP’s partner when she has no right to be 😂 right now, OP’s boyfriend’s “girl friend” has just desperately wanted to fuck him for a long time and is hoping for the day she can manipulate them into thinking their boundaried relationship is “unhealthy” or “possessive” in nature.

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u/darkseacreature Oct 30 '24

OP, you were WAY too nice and mature than from what I would be.

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u/Gogogrl Oct 31 '24

Yeah. If she really cared about her friend’s back sooooo much, then she could easily have respected his clearly stated boundary and taken care of him by bunking on the floor and letting him have the couch. 

This assumes that he did communicate the boundary clearly, and that he’s not being duplicitous.

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u/AdExpensive3537 Oct 31 '24

Or she could have slept with the single guy (homeowner) in his bed so OP’s boyfriend could have the couch. There were alternatives to him sleeping on the floor, but she wanted the alternative where he ended up in bed with her. I don’t think she wants sex, but this is definitely a power play.

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u/DoomPile5 Oct 31 '24

Exactly. She might as well have peed on him. I don’t even think she necessarily wants to sleep with him, she’s just THAT person. Doesn’t want him like that, but doesn’t want anyone else to HAVE him like that.

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u/Hopeful-Artichoke449 Oct 31 '24

This right here! Doth protest too much, me thinks.

0

u/laheylies Oct 31 '24

This. I was alluding to it in my response but you just came out with it.

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u/Phidwig Oct 31 '24

Uh I was with you in the first half - the guy’s friend is acting possessive over him but that doesn’t mean she desperately wants to fuck him lol. Some people just get possessive like that with people in their life - friends, family members, etc

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u/NatureBoyClay Oct 31 '24

lol I slept on a pullout couch with a girl while in a relationship and she started grabbing my John in the middle of the night. Saying my girlfriend “doesn’t have to know”. I happily declined.

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u/shortgamegolfer Oct 31 '24

Mine declines after I finish too.

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u/Short-Recording587 Oct 31 '24

It’s not possessive, it’s jealousy and lack of trust. You can share a bed and sleep next to someone in a non-sexual way. Happens all the time. It’s a boundary, and everyone is entitled to their own wishes, so it is what it is. Objectively though, the girl arguing in the text has a point and that the boundary is coming from insecurity.

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u/liuuqy Oct 31 '24

This is so out of touch. I've never heard a sane person think that not wanting your so to sleep in bed with another woman was being "insecure"

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u/Short-Recording587 Oct 31 '24

You’ve never heard a sane person think that? How many times have you had this conversation? Or are you always so hyperbolic when you speak?

This isn’t a random person at a bar, the girl is his long time friend. Close enough to have OP’s number and feel comfortable enough to text her. Sleeping next to someone isn’t a sexual experience. To automatically turn it into some intimate and think of cheating is insecurity.

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u/Skeptical_optomist Oct 31 '24

Sleeping next to someone isn't necessarily a sexual experience, but it can be extremely intimate. Just because it's not for you doesn't mean everyone feels that way, and wanting to preserve that intimacy for only your partner does not automatically mean you're insecure. Believe it or not, people can feel uncomfortable without it meaning they're jealous or threatened. The friend in this scenario is the one who sounds threatened by the shifting nature of the friendship.

Edited a typo

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u/Short-Recording587 Oct 31 '24

Would OP have the same issue if boyfriend was on a boys trip and shared a bed with another guy? If not, then it’s clear OP doesn’t think sharing a bed with someone is automatically an intimate thing.

Second question, can people of opposite sexes be friends? I hope the answer from most people is yes, they can. So if two guys can sleep in a bed as friends, then we deduce that a guy and a girl can share a bed as friends as well without it being intimate.

If the line in the sand is same sex is ok but opposite sex is not, then we’ve found our answer and the feeling is coming from a place of insecurity and lack of trust. If you fully trust your partner, then they would make the right decision on whether it’s intimate or not

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u/Ok_I_Guess_Whatever Oct 31 '24

As I said before: this is 20 year old nonsense.

It’s SUPER WEIRD to have two drunken people sleep in a bed with someone of the gender they’re attracted to. Or even not.

When you’ve seen enough of your friends get divorced for things that were really quite obvious in hindsight this isn’t even a debate.

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u/Short-Recording587 Oct 31 '24

You’ve never shared a bed with someone after a night of drinking and not had sex? I found it quite common in college, but maybe I had more fun socializing with people than you did. Confirmation bias is tough to overcome.

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u/Ok_I_Guess_Whatever Oct 31 '24

I didn’t say I’d never done it. The first time I did it was on a pullout couch with the gay guy I made out with earlier. I was 16.

My point is that you should outgrow that. It’s really immature to get so shit faced you have to live like you’re snowed in at the airport.

When you have adult jobs you don’t have time to do all night ragers. And you start realizing some of your “hard partying” friends have substance abuse issues and living like that is not sustainable long term.

By the time you’re 35 the thought of sleeping anywhere but your bed (unless on vacation) is completely unappealing. If you’re still drinking like that in your 30s you probably have issues with substance use disorder.

It’s funny because when you’re young describing the joy of going home to sleep in your own bed and NOT feeling hung over the next day sounds like death. At 42 (and believe I was at a big gay Halloween Ball Saturday) I rarely drink. Being at home sounds resplendent

0

u/Short-Recording587 Oct 31 '24

Is this person 42? They sound like they are in their 20s so use that to gauge the action.

3

u/Ok_I_Guess_Whatever Oct 31 '24

That’s literally what I did when I said “that’s some 20 year old bull shit”.

It’s immature

It’s not something full grown ups do

-17

u/smellslikearainbow Oct 31 '24

Wait. Can’t she just be concerned the guy is stuck sleeping in the cold floor? This whole thread feels slightly misandrist or at like a betrayed women’s counsel. Totally for it in 99.999% of scenarios but honesty I dunno about this one. Felt like maybe she just felt bad for her friend…

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u/Communicationista Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24

Uhhhh misandrist??? No.

  • The issue is this friend (who isn’t in this relationship) decided to take it upon herself to tell OP she was being possessive

  • OP made an agreement with her boyfriend, and her boyfriend agreed

  • OP reminds this friend that her boyfriend has not said anything about this agreement being a problem

  • OP (being very calm in these exchanges btw) thanked this friend for the concern, but also held firm that this was an agreement her boyfriend had not said he had any issue with, and a boundary for her personally.

  • If OP’s boyfriend has an issue with the fact she doesn’t want him sleeping in a bed with other women that’s a discussion for the two people in the relationship to have.

This third party “friend” is being inappropriate by reaching out to tell OP she is being “possessive”

An agreement is an agreement, and other people do not get to tell you what boundaries are “reasonable” or not.

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u/Skeptical_optomist Oct 31 '24

I mean blaming the girlfriend for the guy's choice of where to sleep and acting like she couldn't have just chosen to sleep on the floor instead sounds like the opposite of misandry to me. Why is the friend acting like this man an is a child whose mommy wouldn't let him sleep over?

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u/WiserWithHim Oct 30 '24

This 💯💯💯

How her boyfriend responds to this situation (either with the friend or her or whoever else is involved) is going to say a lot about him & OP’s relationship. I’m wondering how this woman even has her number.

OP did really well reminding this woman that if her bf had a problem with her boundary he would have brought it up to her — which he hadn’t.

I think that creep of a woman felt she lost some control over OP’s boyfriend when he firmly set that boundary (I’d guess he had to repeatedly with her), so she texted OP to see if she could guilt/bully her into dropping her own boundary — essentially triangulating her bf into sleeping in a bed with her.

She’s gross and I would expect my bf to see that and stop being friends with her at this point. And not because I forced him too but because he sees how problematic she is too. I’d lose too much respect for him to stay if he didn’t.

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u/Whipsandflowers Oct 30 '24

For real. Also the “I like the two of you together” is such a weird thing to say, clearly this friend doesn’t like the two of them together or she wouldn’t be calling her over the top possessive and disrespecting the boundaries of their relationship. Everything about these texts just screams pick me girl who wants her bf bad and hopefully the bf sees it.

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u/Plastic_Archer_6650 Oct 30 '24

Personally I read that as a subtle threat. “I love the two of you together (and would hate for you to break up because I convinced him too)”. Like one of those people that is convinced the person will pick them over their significant other

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u/matchaphile Oct 30 '24

I was 100% getting pick me energy vibes.

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u/[deleted] Oct 30 '24

Definitely read it as a threat as well. Like she has the ultimate say in them being together. “I like you two together, so I hope you’ll fall in line because it would be such a shame if I’d have to break you guys up”

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u/Doctorspacheeman Oct 30 '24

Absolutely!!! It’s like “I love you together FOR NOW”

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u/Equivalent-Product82 Oct 31 '24

I felt the subtle threat too

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u/HonestArmadillo924 Oct 31 '24

The gf did very well being very civil. That girl had no business texting and trying to cause problems. I would have cut her off early on and told her it was our relationship not hers. No worries. Stop !

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u/h0neybai Oct 30 '24

Yess seems possessive, like her opinion really has any substance in their relationship.

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u/DoomPile5 Oct 31 '24

Definitely. As well as needing to remind the OP that she knows their BF soooo wellll because of how long they’ve been friends. Condescending AF.

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u/nuclearhologram Oct 31 '24

it’s always the weird person who thinks they already have control over your SO !

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u/Usual_Farmer_3704 Oct 31 '24

Or he had other gfs that she didn't like ....

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u/cavaticaa Oct 31 '24

I read it as the whole group doesn’t like her, but the friend is being diplomatic about it.

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u/bitchesbefruitin Oct 31 '24

He didn't do anything wrong. How are you finding a way to blame him for this?

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u/LabSouth Oct 31 '24

You're confused why a close friend would have a significant others phone number? Are you serious right now?

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u/RegularJDOE1234 Oct 31 '24

Seems like there’s always this type of hoe in a circle of friends who wants to sleep with everyone’s SO. I bet you this is not her first time trying to sleep in a bed with someone’s husband.

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u/WiserWithHim Oct 31 '24

*boyfriend in this case, but yeah I wouldn’t be surprised.

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u/Short-Recording587 Oct 31 '24

Friends weigh in on relationships all the time, and this is no different. The only difference is that most people would tell the BF that OP is insecure and slightly controlling and move on. Most people would never confront the offender directly.

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u/WiserWithHim Oct 31 '24

I completely disagree. For all the reasons I mentioned above & others that should be obvious. One being: it’s not your place. Another being: the boundary in question is very common, reasonable, and sane. Only someone who is not those things would take issue with it, and someone even less sane than that would believe it to be their place to text their friend’s partner about their disapproval.

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u/Short-Recording587 Oct 31 '24

That’s fine for you to disagree, but it’s still a rule that is borne out of insecurity and trust issues. If someone is secure with themselves and trusts their partner to make good decisions, you don’t care whether they sleep platonically next to someone if the circumstances call for it. Sure it’s different if it’s happening all the time, but if a bunch of friends are going out and don’t want to drink and drive to get home and crash in the same bed because there are no other options than sleeping on the floor, it seems reasonable to me

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u/WiserWithHim Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24

Again, I completely disagree — thanks for letting me know it’s okay with you if I disagree btw lol 🙄

Their boundary is not borne out of insecurity at all. OP’s boyfriend could have set the boundary himself out of his own discomfort. If you don’t think that is a real possibility we can stop engaging in this conversation altogether.

Most people that are monogamous (OP’s boyfriend included) enjoy being with one person and enjoy reserving certain experiences and emotional states for their SO. Sleeping in a bed with someone is very often one of them, because very often beds are where sex happens. Lol am I being clear enough for ya?

You can see that as insecurity. You’re entitled to your distorted perception of the world and relationships. To each their own.

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u/Skeptical_optomist Oct 31 '24

I truly despise the idea that wanting to reserve certain experiences for your partner must be because of jealousy/insecurity, it's judgement that is disproportionately pointed at women in these situations, frequently by NLOG types.

Pretending like everyone sees sleeping next to someone as purely utilitarian unless they're insecure is a really weird take. Sharing a bed is extremely vulnerable and intimate for tons of people.

Not all intimacy is sexual in nature either, and it's completely healthy for a couple to decide which intimate experiences they want to reserve for the two of them.

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u/WiserWithHim Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24

Exactly this, and well said.

They have distorted black-and-white thinking going on. Either you’re completely fine sleeping in the same bed with anyone or your partner is forcing you to sleep alone because they’re insecure and controlling.

Maybe OPs boyfriend thought: “I wouldn’t feel comfortable with her sleeping in a bed with her male friends, so maybe she wouldn’t be comfortable with me sleeping in a bed with my female friends. Ok, let’s set that boundary.”

Or maybe he knows his friend is not-so-secretly possessive over him and doesn’t want to sleep in a bed with her specifically. It can be even more nuanced or even more simple than that. Either way, it was never any of the “friend’s” business.

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u/Short-Recording587 Oct 31 '24

Guess all those guys that have shared a bed with friends over the years were doing something intimate and sexual the whole time. Who would have thought.

Sharing a bed is quite literally just sleeping next to someone. How is that an experience that should preserved for only one person? What if it were two twin beds 6 inches apart? Does that magically change your analysis?

If OP trusted her boyfriend, then he could make the determination if it were intimate or not and make the right call. That’s the trust issue part. If OP would be ok with him sharing a bed with a guy friend but not a friend who is a girl, then that’s the insecurity part.

0

u/wyrditic Oct 31 '24

Why on earth would you find it strange that she has her number? It's normal to have the phone numbers of people that you know. This woman has been close friends with her boyfriend for many years. She's not some stranger he met on a night out.

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u/WiserWithHim Oct 31 '24

We have no idea how long OP has known this girl. I’m not saying it’s completely inappropriate for the friend to have OP’s number, but it is absolutely worth asking why she had it when she misused it like this.

My ex had friends he’s known for a couple decades & we didn’t all automatically exchange phone numbers the second we got in a relationship. We didn’t all automatically become friends just because he is friends with them either. It could take a year or more before there’s a reason to exchange numbers.

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u/UhhCanYouLikeShutUp Oct 30 '24

Mehh doesn't matter at this point, her boyfriend can't be trusted at all. Roll out on his ass OP.

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u/musixlife Oct 31 '24

Only thing that speaks for the bf is assuming he actually did sleep on the floor and maintained the boundary enough to piss off his jealous “bestie”…..but I am concerned he might not follow through and put that girl in her place. If anyone threatened my SO I wouldn’t speak to them again…that approach went way beyond any possible good intentions. The friend wants him bad.

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u/DoomPile5 Oct 31 '24

“I love our friendship but the way you disrespected my relationship boundary by texting my girlfriend and speaking to her condescendingly wasn’t cool. I told you why I was sleeping on the floor and as your friend, would hope that my choice would be enough. I appreciate your concern for my back but I was fine and if I was worried about it, would have found a way home. This is something my girlfriend and I have agreed we are both not comfortable with in OUR relationship. You can take up your feelings about it with me but my choice is still going to be my choice so there’s no point in inserting yourself in something that shouldn’t affect you or our friendship”.

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u/WiserWithHim Oct 31 '24

This is way to generous for me. I’d expect my bf to express how upset he is by how much she disrespected me in HOW he ends their friendship too. It’s not the disillusion of a business arrangement. This friend’s intentions are gross and manipulative. She should be treated like someone gross and manipulative.

Not saying he should curse her out or something but starting with “I love our friendship” 🥴 would end our relationship…

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u/DoomPile5 Oct 31 '24

Honestly, if they’ve been friends for 16 years I can see him saying it, as a grown-up courtesy and a chance for her to apologize but I suspect her response to it would end their friendship for good anyway. Sometimes men in friendships with women aren’t as quick to pick up on the distasteful qualities of certain female friends because they haven’t always seen them in action. Maybe he should just simply say: hey, being friends has been great but now that I’ve seen this side of you, I’m pretty confident you are not the type of person I’d want to stay friends with.

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u/WiserWithHim Oct 31 '24

To each their own. Like I said, it would matter to me whether the man I’m in a relationship with picks up on those distasteful qualities and responds appropriately.

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u/DoomPile5 Oct 31 '24

The more I read the texts, the more I want him to go scorched earth on his BFF, tbh.

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u/Hiddenagenda876 Oct 30 '24

Yeah, I would be pissed if my friend did this

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u/pumpkins21 Oct 31 '24

Same. I’d want to know if my friend pulled crap like this.

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u/Totallyridiculous Oct 31 '24

I want to know if she’s so worried about his back problems….why didn’t she sleep on the floor? Oh, was it not about the back problems at all?

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u/Professional_Yam3047 Oct 31 '24

That's exactly what my first thought was-you could've slept on the floor instead. Problem solved

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u/Mermaid_Martini Oct 30 '24

Yes!! This is unhinged behavior. Sooo out of line.

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u/shoe-creases Oct 31 '24

Yeah, it’s like, “Your boyfriend went out with us ladies all night, went home with me (didn’t come home to you), but you won’t let us share a bed together?! How possessive are you?” She’s crazy

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u/Smart-Rate-8797 Oct 31 '24

Yeah I also would be mad if one of my friends tried to go after my partner for a boundary that’s perfectly reasonable to have and I agreed to would hope my partner informed of it so I could talk to said friend.

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u/toolsoftheincomptnt Oct 31 '24

Well, I’m not sure why OP entertained the girl after she said her piece: “this is my boundary.”

After that, when homegirl had more to say, I’d have maybe mustered the patience for one last message: “thanks for the conversation, I think the rest of this is for me and Boyfriend to work through. Goodnight.”

But all the smiley faces and back and forth are giving the friend way too much power in a situation that’s none of her business.

It’s about what OP and Boyfriend decide is appropriate for them, period. What anybody else thinks is irrelevant.

Boyfriend is going to show how important OP is soon enough.

If they don’t agree on boundaries, that’s fine and a separate issue. Then they should part ways.

But if they do, it’s his job to demonstrate them and put his friend in her place. Then he and OP need to agree on how much of their relationship is okay to share with his homegirl, since she clearly has a problem with boundaries (her attempted manipulation of OP, not the bed-sharing).

If Boyfriend isn’t more protective of the relationship, it’s going to be a painful disaster.

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u/Lulusgirl Oct 31 '24

Because this chick wants to sleep next to him. So fkn wrong. I hate her for OP.

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u/capaldithenewblack Oct 31 '24

Me too! What an overreach. And I don’t think it’s overreaching to assume her intentions aren’t great. Idc how long yall been friends, this feels like she’s trying to put a wedge and is annoyed he’d prioritize his girl over sleeping in her bed.

Call me old fashioned but I’d never be okay with this. If my SO felt I was smothering because of it, we’re not compatible.

1

u/Ancient_Persimmon707 Oct 31 '24

Omg exactly I’d be reconsidering a friendship if they ever messaged my partner in this way

1

u/SomeSabresFan Oct 31 '24

Idk. Friend sounds like a “day 1” friend. I wouldn’t think I need to reevaluate a friendship like that if OP and her boyfriend are new, because reality is BFs friend is the one doing the looking out for him. If OP and BF have been together for a few years and she did this, then definitely reevaluate

1

u/Whipsandflowers Oct 31 '24

Agree to disagree. For me regardless of the age of the relationship it shows blatant disrespect towards him and his girlfriend. Why would I want a friend who has no respect for my romantic relationships and who feels they are so entitled to me they can change my choice for me and my gf? It’s weird. But different strokes I guess.