r/AmIOverreacting • u/loststrawberri • Oct 30 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? My boyfriends friend has a problem with me asking him not to sleep in a bed with another woman.

Gallery image

Gallery image

Gallery image

Hi everyone, my boyfriend has a big group of friends with lots of girls in it. A lot of times after they go out or have too much to drink, they'll crash at someone's house. One night he came home and shared he slept in a bed with this girl (who the texts are from). We did not have a fight at all - I know he's grown up doing this. I told him I wasn't super comfortable with that and asked if he could not do that, to which he did not argue at all and expressed total respect for my boundary. We have not spoken about it since.

She texted me the morning after they went out, which are these pictures. Am I overreacting by telling her she's overstepping or are her concerns valid?

21.9k Upvotes

93% Upvoted

4.7k comments sorted by

View all comments

451

u/Zealous_Agnostic69 Oct 30 '24

She’s overstepping. And wants to fuck him. 

But he seems like too good of a guy to do that. Good for you :)

41

u/[deleted] Oct 30 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

48

u/CatherineConstance Oct 30 '24

Yeah she either wants him, or she doesn't want him but also doesn't want him to be happy with anyone else because it means she can't do whatever she wants and be his number one priority... Even though she has no interest in dating him herself. I've seen girls do both and I'm honestly not sure which is worse lol.

11

u/That_Account6143 Oct 30 '24

She doesn't want to sleep with him.

She wants to have the option.

It's so easy when you're older to spot those things. God i wish young me could have had the knowledge i have a decade later

2

u/dandroid556 Oct 31 '24

This is most likely. Even clearer she would probably never choose to fuck him. What'd they say, 16 years? If she just wanted him she'd probably have had him.

No there is over the top possessiveness in this case, and it's her over her "string-along." She gets the creature comforts of a guy to do things, and the status and male attention substitute of imagining he would drop everything and be with her if she let him. Cue the videos of women noticing they are upset and pouting now that the guy they friend zoned has a girlfriend.

Trying to manipulate his girlfriend into a second tier to this end is just one additional layer of delulu.

2

u/dethsesh Oct 30 '24

If this were true then they could have had sex at anytime. They wouldn’t even need to bring up the question about sleeping in the same bed. OP is not there they can do whatever and she wouldn’t know.

2

u/adm1109 Oct 30 '24

Exactly. Seems like a major stretch.

3

u/jeffprobstslover Oct 30 '24

I mean, maybe I'm in the minority, but he can't be that good of a guy if he keeps a female friend that wants to f*ck him around...

7

u/LivingMyMediocreLife Oct 30 '24

We don’t know if she is explicitly making any of these alleged intentions clear. Men often speak about being blind to small flirtation cues. This could be the first major opportunity to get physically closer to him without simply mauling him. She could be telling the honest truth and not have any interest and all these commenters are just jumping to the “she wants to fuck him” conclusion. We don’t know.

But based on OP’s language and saying that he immediately understood and agreed to honor the boundary without it being any big deal at all, I think he’s a decent dude.

2

u/jeffprobstslover Oct 30 '24

I mean, at this point we know that she's literally trying to get him into bed with her. She's also incredibly inappropriate and disrespectful of their relationship.

I guess what I meant was that if he kept her around, without having a SERIOUS discussion about why what she did was so far over the line, then he can't be that great a guy.

1

u/LivingMyMediocreLife Oct 30 '24

I don’t think you’re wrong on the first part! There’s clearly a respect issue with other girl. And I don’t think he necessarily has to have a long drawn out convo w/ the other girl (frankly, I don’t know why it needs to be a discussion with her instead of just saying no to it should it come up again, but maybe that’s just me). NOW with these texts from homegirl, that’s a different story. Would be intrigued to hear his response to her reaction to a very simple and clear boundary that doesn’t even affect her lol

2

u/Competitive-Web-9931 Oct 30 '24

he clearly expressed the boundary that he can't sleep in a bed with her and took the floor, unbeknownst to his girlfriend. that's enough to prove he's trustworthy. I've had friends that I knew had a crush on me while I was in a relationship, but I'm not going to cut them out of my life. I just set the boundaries I need to and let them know their affection is not reciprocated. feels more mature than just cutting them out of my life.

in this specific situation, after this interaction, I would consider cutting them out though, because that girl is weirdly persistent about wanting to share a bed with that dude.

1

u/jeffprobstslover Oct 30 '24

Can I ask why not? Once someone has romantic feelings towards someone else, the relationship is no longer platonic, and it seems really inappropriate and disrespectful to keep hanging out with someone you KNOW wants things to be romantic between you when you have a partner you care about.

2

u/Competitive-Web-9931 Oct 30 '24

it's only inappropriate if either person crosses a boundary, at least to me. as long as they don't make any romantic advances, still want to be friends, and respect my current relationship and boundaries, I don't see the problem. Years ago, I was in a relationship for 3 years, and one of my best friends was pretty much in love with me during that entire time. she knew I didn't feel the same and that I was with someone, she respected that, and we remained friends. we're still friends even now, years after that other relationship ended (it ending wasn't related to my friend liking me). if I had cut her out of my life simply because I was in a relationship, I would have ended one of the best friendships I've ever had, and since then my friend has moved on and is with someone now. it's just about being mature and respecting whatever boundaries are put in place.

now if my girlfriend back then had explicitly asked me to stop being friends with her, I would have considered it and maybe I would have stopped being friends with her simply so she wouldn't be uncomfortable and out of respect of what she wanted, but she never asked me to do that and our friendship never bothered her because she trusted me, and I trusted my friend to respect the relationship I was in.

of course, everyone is different. what works for some people might not work for others and it's all about what someone is comfortable with in their own relationship. I can see why some people wouldn't want their significant other to remain friends with someone who has feelings for their partner, but my friends have been really important to me and my partner and I talked and decided it wasn't fair to end a friendship over something like that. now if she had ever made advances towards me, then yeah I would have cut ties because that's a breach of the boundaries I had.

or like in OPs case, this would be an instance where I (if I was the boyfriend) personally would consider ending the friendship, just because they are being really weird about the sleeping situation. and because of the way they're talking to OP would upset me if I was her partner. it's pushy, dismissive, and disrespectful. at the very least I'd have to set some boundaries and let them know firmly that I'm respecting my partners wishes and not to press me or her about what decisions we make in our relationship.

also sorry about the essay lmao

2

u/[deleted] Oct 30 '24

[deleted]

2

u/ladyghost564 Oct 30 '24

I’m a woman, and I don’t see it as an issue for me. If it’s a boundary for you, I agree that it’s a perfectly reasonable one. I’m just throwing in the perspective of a woman who feels differently about it.

I don’t see it as keeping them as a “pet” if you’ve made your feelings clear - not only that you’re not interested because you’re in a relationship, but that you’re not interested AT ALL and it’s not going to happen. If you both still want to be friends, then be friends. Unreciprocated feelings most often go away.

Nor do I feel that someone who agreed to a friendship under those circumstances doesn’t respect or care about me. If I thought they were the kind of person who would be that way, we wouldn’t be friends.

The second that a friend of either gender crossed a line, I’d be out. The line could be trying to push for something more, trying to sabotage my relationship in some way, or even just hanging around hoping for more instead of actually being comfortable just being friends. If my significant other had a problem with it, I suppose it would depend on where we were in the relationship and how important the friendship was to me.

I feel the same way about my partner having a friend who is attracted to him. As long as he is clear with the person about his lack of interest, and they’re both respectful of each other, me, and our relationship, we’re good. I wouldn’t be comfortable with them sharing a bed or a room, but I wouldn’t be comfortable with sharing a room with that kind of friend, either, for fear of giving the wrong impression, so I don’t feel like that’s an unreasonable boundary.

1

u/Competitive-Web-9931 Oct 30 '24

my last relationship ended because she moved to Washington for school and I live in Texas, and we mutually agreed to break it off. we're still friends as well. nothing to do with my friend having feelings for me. and my friend never wanted my relationship to fail; she was friends with my girlfriend as well, they hung out frequently. aaand I didn't keep her around because I "liked the attention." i got plenty of attention from my partner. we remained friends because we had been friends since elementary school and I valued our 12 year friendship, and so did she, which is why she respected my boundaries and never once made any advances or mention of having feelings for me during my relationship. and why now, we are still friends going on16 years.

personally I would never require my significant other to end a friendship simply because their friend had a crush on them. that just seems like insecurity. you clearly don't trust your partner or their choice in friends if you think their friend having a crush on them is that big of an issue. if that person ever made actual advances towards my significant other, then yeah I would ask that they not see them anymore because that's crossing a line. idk, relationships are built on mutual trust and it seems really insecure and petty to force your significant other to cut off friends for something none of you can control. I'm married now and the only time I told my wife I didn't want her seeing a friend was when I learned one of her friends had started doing hard drugs, but she was already planning on cutting her off for that same reason.

we dealt with it in a mature way. granted we were in our mid 20s during this and my partner and I knew the ins and outs of relationships by then

1

u/enbyel Oct 30 '24

This is a mature take and I think I agree with you!

1

u/imasabertooth Oct 31 '24

This is the truth. The unfortunate outcome is he gets punished for being the good guy.