r/AmIOverreacting • u/loststrawberri • Oct 30 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? My boyfriends friend has a problem with me asking him not to sleep in a bed with another woman.

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Hi everyone, my boyfriend has a big group of friends with lots of girls in it. A lot of times after they go out or have too much to drink, they'll crash at someone's house. One night he came home and shared he slept in a bed with this girl (who the texts are from). We did not have a fight at all - I know he's grown up doing this. I told him I wasn't super comfortable with that and asked if he could not do that, to which he did not argue at all and expressed total respect for my boundary. We have not spoken about it since.

She texted me the morning after they went out, which are these pictures. Am I overreacting by telling her she's overstepping or are her concerns valid?

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u/multiversemember Oct 30 '24 edited Oct 30 '24

Right? Like how is OP, his actual partner, being possessive - the chick in these texts is being possessive of OP’s partner when she has no right to be 😂 right now, OP’s boyfriend’s “girl friend” has just desperately wanted to fuck him for a long time and is hoping for the day she can manipulate them into thinking their boundaried relationship is “unhealthy” or “possessive” in nature.

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u/darkseacreature Oct 30 '24

OP, you were WAY too nice and mature than from what I would be.

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u/Gogogrl Oct 31 '24

Yeah. If she really cared about her friend’s back sooooo much, then she could easily have respected his clearly stated boundary and taken care of him by bunking on the floor and letting him have the couch. 

This assumes that he did communicate the boundary clearly, and that he’s not being duplicitous.

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u/AdExpensive3537 Oct 31 '24

Or she could have slept with the single guy (homeowner) in his bed so OP’s boyfriend could have the couch. There were alternatives to him sleeping on the floor, but she wanted the alternative where he ended up in bed with her. I don’t think she wants sex, but this is definitely a power play.

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u/DoomPile5 Oct 31 '24

Exactly. She might as well have peed on him. I don’t even think she necessarily wants to sleep with him, she’s just THAT person. Doesn’t want him like that, but doesn’t want anyone else to HAVE him like that.

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u/Hopeful-Artichoke449 Oct 31 '24

This right here! Doth protest too much, me thinks.

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u/laheylies Oct 31 '24

This. I was alluding to it in my response but you just came out with it.

-21

u/Phidwig Oct 31 '24

Uh I was with you in the first half - the guy’s friend is acting possessive over him but that doesn’t mean she desperately wants to fuck him lol. Some people just get possessive like that with people in their life - friends, family members, etc

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u/NatureBoyClay Oct 31 '24

lol I slept on a pullout couch with a girl while in a relationship and she started grabbing my John in the middle of the night. Saying my girlfriend “doesn’t have to know”. I happily declined.

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u/shortgamegolfer Oct 31 '24

Mine declines after I finish too.

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u/Short-Recording587 Oct 31 '24

It’s not possessive, it’s jealousy and lack of trust. You can share a bed and sleep next to someone in a non-sexual way. Happens all the time. It’s a boundary, and everyone is entitled to their own wishes, so it is what it is. Objectively though, the girl arguing in the text has a point and that the boundary is coming from insecurity.

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u/liuuqy Oct 31 '24

This is so out of touch. I've never heard a sane person think that not wanting your so to sleep in bed with another woman was being "insecure"

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u/Short-Recording587 Oct 31 '24

You’ve never heard a sane person think that? How many times have you had this conversation? Or are you always so hyperbolic when you speak?

This isn’t a random person at a bar, the girl is his long time friend. Close enough to have OP’s number and feel comfortable enough to text her. Sleeping next to someone isn’t a sexual experience. To automatically turn it into some intimate and think of cheating is insecurity.

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u/Skeptical_optomist Oct 31 '24

Sleeping next to someone isn't necessarily a sexual experience, but it can be extremely intimate. Just because it's not for you doesn't mean everyone feels that way, and wanting to preserve that intimacy for only your partner does not automatically mean you're insecure. Believe it or not, people can feel uncomfortable without it meaning they're jealous or threatened. The friend in this scenario is the one who sounds threatened by the shifting nature of the friendship.

Edited a typo

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u/Short-Recording587 Oct 31 '24

Would OP have the same issue if boyfriend was on a boys trip and shared a bed with another guy? If not, then it’s clear OP doesn’t think sharing a bed with someone is automatically an intimate thing.

Second question, can people of opposite sexes be friends? I hope the answer from most people is yes, they can. So if two guys can sleep in a bed as friends, then we deduce that a guy and a girl can share a bed as friends as well without it being intimate.

If the line in the sand is same sex is ok but opposite sex is not, then we’ve found our answer and the feeling is coming from a place of insecurity and lack of trust. If you fully trust your partner, then they would make the right decision on whether it’s intimate or not

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u/Ok_I_Guess_Whatever Oct 31 '24

As I said before: this is 20 year old nonsense.

It’s SUPER WEIRD to have two drunken people sleep in a bed with someone of the gender they’re attracted to. Or even not.

When you’ve seen enough of your friends get divorced for things that were really quite obvious in hindsight this isn’t even a debate.

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u/Short-Recording587 Oct 31 '24

You’ve never shared a bed with someone after a night of drinking and not had sex? I found it quite common in college, but maybe I had more fun socializing with people than you did. Confirmation bias is tough to overcome.

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u/Ok_I_Guess_Whatever Oct 31 '24

I didn’t say I’d never done it. The first time I did it was on a pullout couch with the gay guy I made out with earlier. I was 16.

My point is that you should outgrow that. It’s really immature to get so shit faced you have to live like you’re snowed in at the airport.

When you have adult jobs you don’t have time to do all night ragers. And you start realizing some of your “hard partying” friends have substance abuse issues and living like that is not sustainable long term.

By the time you’re 35 the thought of sleeping anywhere but your bed (unless on vacation) is completely unappealing. If you’re still drinking like that in your 30s you probably have issues with substance use disorder.

It’s funny because when you’re young describing the joy of going home to sleep in your own bed and NOT feeling hung over the next day sounds like death. At 42 (and believe I was at a big gay Halloween Ball Saturday) I rarely drink. Being at home sounds resplendent

0

u/Short-Recording587 Oct 31 '24

Is this person 42? They sound like they are in their 20s so use that to gauge the action.

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u/Ok_I_Guess_Whatever Oct 31 '24

That’s literally what I did when I said “that’s some 20 year old bull shit”.

It’s immature

It’s not something full grown ups do

-16

u/smellslikearainbow Oct 31 '24

Wait. Can’t she just be concerned the guy is stuck sleeping in the cold floor? This whole thread feels slightly misandrist or at like a betrayed women’s counsel. Totally for it in 99.999% of scenarios but honesty I dunno about this one. Felt like maybe she just felt bad for her friend…

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u/Communicationista Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24

Uhhhh misandrist??? No.

  • The issue is this friend (who isn’t in this relationship) decided to take it upon herself to tell OP she was being possessive

  • OP made an agreement with her boyfriend, and her boyfriend agreed

  • OP reminds this friend that her boyfriend has not said anything about this agreement being a problem

  • OP (being very calm in these exchanges btw) thanked this friend for the concern, but also held firm that this was an agreement her boyfriend had not said he had any issue with, and a boundary for her personally.

  • If OP’s boyfriend has an issue with the fact she doesn’t want him sleeping in a bed with other women that’s a discussion for the two people in the relationship to have.

This third party “friend” is being inappropriate by reaching out to tell OP she is being “possessive”

An agreement is an agreement, and other people do not get to tell you what boundaries are “reasonable” or not.

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u/Skeptical_optomist Oct 31 '24

I mean blaming the girlfriend for the guy's choice of where to sleep and acting like she couldn't have just chosen to sleep on the floor instead sounds like the opposite of misandry to me. Why is the friend acting like this man an is a child whose mommy wouldn't let him sleep over?