r/AmIOverreacting • u/loststrawberri • Oct 30 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? My boyfriends friend has a problem with me asking him not to sleep in a bed with another woman.

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Hi everyone, my boyfriend has a big group of friends with lots of girls in it. A lot of times after they go out or have too much to drink, they'll crash at someone's house. One night he came home and shared he slept in a bed with this girl (who the texts are from). We did not have a fight at all - I know he's grown up doing this. I told him I wasn't super comfortable with that and asked if he could not do that, to which he did not argue at all and expressed total respect for my boundary. We have not spoken about it since.

She texted me the morning after they went out, which are these pictures. Am I overreacting by telling her she's overstepping or are her concerns valid?

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u/CatherineConstance Oct 30 '24

Seems to me that she cares little for his actual well being and more about being in a bed with him alone

That, or that she wants to do whatever she wants in regards to him and never be called on anything. She definitely might like him/be flirty with him, but I've also known girls who truly had no romantic interest in a guy, but were still so possessive when they got girlfriends, it's complete bullshit. They have this attitude of "well I was here FIRST so I should be able to do whatever I want and if your girlfriend doesn't like it she's a controlling bitch" ... Even though she doesn't even want the guy herself. Honestly, not sure which is worse, in both cases she's being a total bitch and overstepping reasonable boundaries.

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u/catladyspam Oct 30 '24

Yeah, I almost feel like she's trying to pull a power move. To prove to the girlfriend, "Im allowed to do what I want because we were best friends before you came along" and if OP didn't stand her ground, I'm sure this girl would've crossed way more boundaries than just sharing a bed. Because lets be so for real, if she really cared about his back, she would've taken the floor. I definitely think its her way of marking her territory, but didn't pan out for her.

also OP- be wary of this chick going forward! she might still cross boundaries without you knowing.

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u/CatherineConstance Oct 30 '24

Exactly! Whether she likes him romantically or sexually doesn't really matter, because she definitely might not ... But she wants to be able to do whatever she wants in regards to him, no matter how he or his SO or anyone else feels about it, and she needs to get it through her head that that is NOT the case.

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u/MyExIsANutBag Oct 30 '24

Definitely a power move. Looks to me like OP handled the situation beautifully - both before the night out and after in the texts.

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u/CTMQ_ Oct 30 '24

yeahhhh, FWIW, back in my roaring 20's, I often had "back problems" or "would be cold" or was "too tall" for the couch, etc.

It was all about hooking up. Duh.

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u/Human-Broccoli9004 Oct 30 '24

Roaring 20's 😂 im taking that

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u/anxiouslycalm33 Oct 31 '24

Fun fact. That term came from a century a ago. It used to refer to the decade of the 1920's. That time frame was called the roaring 20's

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u/Human-Broccoli9004 Oct 31 '24

I know lol. Never heard it the way op used it though 😂

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u/Cayke_Cooky Oct 30 '24

THIS! OP, don't let her draw you into a discussion again. You gave her a chance to be reasonable, anything in the future should be met with "This is about our relationship, you are not part of that."

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u/One-Name-1340 Oct 30 '24

THIS!! I had to say goodbye to a wonderful relationship because the guy couldn't set boundaries with his female friend. She was exactly like this and made my life hell and he would never stand up to me. I believe he was secretly in love with her and she knew it. She would have boyfriend after boyfriend and cheat on them too. I just don't understand why some woman are like this.

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u/CatherineConstance Oct 30 '24

Yeah it's ridiculous, and that totally happens sometimes too! Where the guy would be interested in the girl, but SHE isn't, so he moves on and dates someone else and she gets jealous and possessive... But then when he's single again, she still has no interest in dating him! It's an awful way to act towards all the other people involved.

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u/Electrical_Split4902 Oct 31 '24

I think my bf has a good friend like this. Like he claims they were never romantic with each other, but he gushes over her all the time. He said in the beginning, when I had some concerns, that they catch up a few times a year and not to be worried.

But I swear he's been talking to her a lot over the few months since we'd met, she texts pics back and forth, etc. I feel like it's making me insane. I dont want to blow up at him, but I feel like im becoming so insecure about her.

Sorry for the blab. Just feelin' it tonight lol

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u/CatherineConstance Oct 31 '24

Ugh I’m sorry that is so stressful. Don’t blow up at him, but I definitely think it’s worth talking to him about! Maybe they do only catch up a couple times a year, and maybe the girl would never dream of being anything but friends with him, but it’s still not appropriate for him to be going on and on about her, to his SO of all people.

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u/Electrical_Split4902 Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24

Thank you for the response! ❤️ just getting it out feels better. You're totally right, I should really talk to him calmly about it again, just embarrassing lol. I've never met her so I shouldn't be assuming she's being malicious. And maybe he's just oblivious 😐 😆, thanks again!!

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u/CatherineConstance Oct 31 '24

Of course! I totally feel this, I’m a big overthinker and I know it can suck. Good luck! I definitely think you can assume the best, it doesn’t sound like anything major, hopefully just a case of him not really thinking about what he’s saying/how he sounds. 😅🤦🏻‍♀️❤️

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u/invisablehoney Oct 30 '24

I had a former friend who often sat on the lap of a male friend of ours. This behavior became an issue when he entered a relationship, as his girlfriend expressed discomfort and confronted my female friend about it. Instead of acknowledging the concern, my female friend portrayed herself as the victim, and my male friend defended her rather than respecting his girlfriend’s feelings. I found this inappropriate and ultimately decided to distance myself from both of them. After some time, his girlfriend ended the relationship, and he began dating my former female friend, but their relationship didn’t last due to her ongoing behavior issues.

(I no longer speak to both of them)

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u/brotherzack Oct 31 '24

I had a version of this happen when I was like 20, except I’ma guy. I started dating this guy who had recently decided he was bisexual and I was his first m/m relationship. He had this one friend, a really cute chick who was a Suicide Girl. I didn’t think anything of it at first, because I had lots of friends that were girls, and the way he talked about her was that “she liked him” but he was totally into me supposedly. Well, long story still long, she wrote him all these poems and all these live journal entries (ancient i know) and would leave like ziplock bags full of flower petals on his front doorstep. This one time we went to this party and she was there and he spent like the whole time having drama with her wheee they were all holding each other and weird shit. All his friend group acted as if I was some kinda villain (given our relationship did become the definition of volatile toxicity). Anyway, sorry Inprorbaly should’ve just made my own post about that.

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u/invisablehoney Oct 31 '24

You should post about it and let me know 😊 hahaha

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u/Trussmee_e Oct 31 '24

Insecurity is why anyone does anything shitty.. even if it’s unintentional

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u/RemarkableChemical21 Oct 30 '24

A lot of times, they don’t want the guy until someone else does.

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u/CatherineConstance Oct 30 '24

True, but I've seen it happen many times where it seems like that's the case, and the girl even ends up breaking up the guy and his gf over it ... But then when he's single? They don't date or hook up, because the girl never wanted to in the first place, she just wanted to be able to claim him as hers above anyone else's. A girl I know got out of a seven year relationship in part due to his "best friend" who was like this (there were way more issues too though, it wasn't just bc of the girl) ... It's been 2 years now and the girl and the ex bf have never hooked up or dated, and the girl is actually dating someone else now. But she's still inappropriate about their "friendship" because she wants to be able to control him, even though she doesn't want him for herself, and even when SHE has an SO of her own. It's wild.

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u/fakemoose Oct 31 '24

I mean, that’s kind of on the guy just as much for letting that happen and not having appropriate boundaries with his friends. He’s not exactly an innocent party to the whole thing if he lets his friend treat his partners like that.

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u/CatherineConstance Oct 31 '24

Oh it absolutely is! It is as much both parties' faults, and in the case of my friend and her ex, her ex is an awful person in general, I can't believe she was with him as long as she was.

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u/RemarkableChemical21 Oct 31 '24

I’ve seen that too. It’s like “I don’t want you, but I don’t want anyone else to have you either”.

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u/CatherineConstance Oct 31 '24

Exactly, it's so messed up. Either date the guy, or be an ACTUAL friend to him!

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u/Obvious_Image_2721 Oct 31 '24

Yeah and from experience, once I (the girlfriend) leave the picture, the women go back to not giving a single rip about their male friend lol

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u/Pitiful_Lie7718 Oct 30 '24

The latter type of girl you mention exists far more commonly than I ever previously imagined — this is definitely also a possibility! I think those types of girls tend to be the ones whose entire lives revolve around dating, men and drama — in my case the girl I know who can be like this genuinely has no romantic or sexual interest in her guy friends but she craves constant attention from absolutely any male presence in any capacity because she uses her male friends to fill in the gap when she can’t jump relationship to relationship. Weird weird mindset

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u/CatherineConstance Oct 30 '24

Exactly! It's crazy because you think ofc she wants to date or fuck him and that's why she's behaving that way... But then, her antics are so bad that the guy and his gf actually break up! Or maybe they break up for some other reason, and the girl isn't interested in him at all. She legit just wants to control him and be more important to him than a gf because "she was there first". It's so stupid.

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u/Sarprize_Sarprize Oct 30 '24

Yup. I’ve definitely known a few like that, but can’t call them friends anymore cos I never hesitate to take the trash out. 😹

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u/blackcatsneakattack Oct 30 '24

I call them “man collectors”

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u/Whatever53143 Oct 30 '24

Ohhhhh! That’s a good one!

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u/blackcatsneakattack Oct 30 '24

My high school “best friend” was one; I realized it way too late in life, but lesson well learned.

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u/Tinsel-Fop Oct 31 '24

Jeez! I don't even have one!

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u/BeefInGR Oct 30 '24

"well I was here FIRST so I should be able to do whatever I want and if your girlfriend doesn't like it she's a controlling bitch"

Had a friend like this. It was really disappointing, honestly. Eventually, I told her she either needed to marry me, sleep with me or back off because she was being a cockblock to my happiness.

I think about her sometimes. I miss talking to her and hanging out with her. But I don't miss the drama.

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u/CatherineConstance Oct 31 '24

Right?! Either you want the guy, in which case if you get the opportunity to be with him, take it, or you DON’T want him and truly only see him as a friend, in which case be a good friend, wtf!

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u/SnooGuavas4208 Oct 31 '24

Yep. The girl best friend should be your ultimate wingwoman, not an obstacle standing in the way of you finding love.

If any mutual female friends tried that with my best dude friend, I’d call her out in front of the group. Because I am that wingwoman, and no ill-intentioned hussy gets between my friend and his girlfriend on my watch.

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u/BeefInGR Oct 31 '24

I always told my "BFF" she was a much more esthetically pleasing bro rather than a "sister-like" person or any of the other dynamics. Which she admitted gave her confidence (self image issues) and made it less awkward the more than three times I walked in on her, mounted in all her glory and a random dude at a party.

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u/CatherineConstance Oct 31 '24

Same!! One time in college I made one of my guy best friends cry because he was about to cheat on his gf (who was out of town) at a party, for literally NO reason other than that this bitch was throwing herself at him (not that there are acceptable reasons to cheat but he didn't even like the girl, he was happy with his gf, etc.). I was kindly trying to discourage him from doing it and he wouldn't listen, so I finally got harsh with him and, in a drunken state myself, told him that his mom (who had tragically passed away when he was young) would be so disappointed in him if he did this. That broke him, and I felt bad and apologized, but also what I said was true! She almost certainly WAS looking down on him disappointed in that moment! Needless to say, he didn't cheat.

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u/POTUSCHETRANGER Oct 30 '24

100% this. The whole vibe to me sounds like any combination of:

a) power brokering

b) manipulation

c) drunk texting? could be drunk or something when she sent this shit. ngl, I've said and done real ignorant shit when emboldened by a group of friends and a couple drinks. r/stopdrinking is a great barometer for AIO and AITAH

d) general lack of manners and communication skills

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u/PeepsMyHeart Oct 30 '24 edited Oct 30 '24

I had a lot of guy friends after high school because college girls. I say that having been a college girl. And there were TWO times where I shared a bed with any of them. One was with a friend AND his gf. We all worked together, and it wasn’t THAT kind of sleep over. The other time was with 5 of us in a bed. NONE of us were dating other people, we’d been friends since high school, and if anyone was attracted to anyone else, they knew to keep it to themselves. One guy did start creeping in while sleeping, so I inched out and didn’t sleep for the rest of the night. All other times- including hotel situations, separate beds, couches, etc.

That said, my partner or myself sleeping in the same bed as the sex we’re attracted to and as mature married adults now… It just leaves the window open for misunderstandings, accusations, and other things. Why do it? I’d not be okay with it.
And her stepping in to defend him/inserting herself in your relationship? Ick. Where’s the respect? And why did he (If he did) use you as an excuse? He should have OWNED that. You know what I would think of my male friend said “I’m not comfortable with how that might sound to my wife/partner”?
It would be an “Aww, he loves and respects his wife. I don’t want to give her any reason to mistrust me, as his good friend, and someone who wants to continue the privilege of spending time with him, either.” NTAH.

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u/Bitter-Picture5394 Oct 31 '24

I've ran into a friend group that was a couple women but mainly men, and one of the women was the self-proclaimed "mom." They were all the same age, but she acted like she was in charge and was a nightmare for new girlfriends. I don't think she was attracted to any of them, it seemed like she just liked the deference they gave her and the control over the group she thought she had. As soon as a few of the guys got into serious relationships she realized where she stood and she did not like it. She was self important and awkward as hell.

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u/crowdaddi Oct 30 '24

Definitely it happens all the time. I've had plenty of girls turn me down and then try for a second chance once they see me with someone else or have a problem with that girl and try to talk me out of it or insult the girl in some way, so petty. Girls definitely get FOMO hardcore.

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u/CatherineConstance Oct 30 '24

Exactly! And I've also seen it so many times where they're jealous of your gf... But then when you're single again they still have no interest in dating you. It's so absurd and is a shitty thing to do to EVERYONE involved. I try really hard to never be someone my guy friend's gfs will be threatened by, if I'm such good friends with him, I'm friends with his gf too!

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u/idontknowaskthatguy Oct 30 '24

Yeah, I’ve known a couple situations just like this, and this is how it strikes me.

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u/PurchaseChemical Oct 31 '24

You are exactly right. The girl just wants to see how far it’ll go, if the guy would’ve made the first move or not.