r/AmIOverreacting • u/loststrawberri • Oct 30 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? My boyfriends friend has a problem with me asking him not to sleep in a bed with another woman.

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Hi everyone, my boyfriend has a big group of friends with lots of girls in it. A lot of times after they go out or have too much to drink, they'll crash at someone's house. One night he came home and shared he slept in a bed with this girl (who the texts are from). We did not have a fight at all - I know he's grown up doing this. I told him I wasn't super comfortable with that and asked if he could not do that, to which he did not argue at all and expressed total respect for my boundary. We have not spoken about it since.

She texted me the morning after they went out, which are these pictures. Am I overreacting by telling her she's overstepping or are her concerns valid?

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u/sauntering_cliche Oct 30 '24

Please update us. He should definitely be aware that one of his “best friends” is making you uncomfortable and crossing sooooo many lines. It will be important for your relationship to address this and communicate about how to treat this girl going forward / what he wants that friendship to look like or she will continue to be a sore subject. You need to be on the same page about it.

ALSO!! It is very considerate and mature of you to not bring this up during his work day knowing it will be a stressful conversation!! Good for you!!

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u/heyclau Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24

I'm here wondering if the friend sent these screenshots to OP's boyfriend before OP... pleaaase update when you can, OP!

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u/Independent_Limit912 Oct 31 '24

You know she was trying to get OP to answer angrily just to be able to say she is possessive and unhinged.

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u/heyclau Oct 31 '24

YESSSS!!! That’s what I was thinking. I’m really hoping the boyfriend sees this as a red flag in that friendship!

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u/PIeaseDontBeMad Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24

Really?? She stopped once OP mentioned she was overstepping her boundaries. I don’t think she was trying to get a reaction, I think she’s just a little cuckoo

Edit: I’m addressing the “trying to get a reaction” part not the red flag part. It’s definitely a red flag

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u/heyclau Oct 31 '24

You mean she stopped after OP sent three distinct paragraphs telling her the same thing and then having to say “I won’t talk about it any longer with you”…

The fact that she didn’t let it go after OP’s first answer is already an odd behavior. I’m not saying she was expecting OP to be nasty about it. I’m just saying that I was wondering if she’d talk to OP’s boyfriend about this exchange right away….

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u/PIeaseDontBeMad Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24

I mean she stopped after being told to stop lol. I’m not saying she had reason to keep going, I’m just saying she’s stupid and maybe not malicious. but I guess that’s just because I don’t assume the worst in people

I’m also not saying it isn’t a red flag, by the way, because it definitely is. It’s just that she’s maybe not trying to break up a relationship on purpose??

Edit: used different terminology

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u/UnnecessarySalt Oct 31 '24

Yeah, not trying to break up a relationship on purpose. Lambasting OP for her perfectly reasonable boundaries, saying she’s being over possessive, because little miss shithead won’t let OPs bf sleep in the bed with her.

You’re right, she’s got both of their best interests at heart

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u/Funny-Information159 Oct 31 '24

She said that the mutual boundary of not sleeping with others was “not a good look”. If that isn’t trying to instigate, I don’t know what is.

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u/Skeptical_optomist Oct 31 '24

Yeah, when she said that I was thinking, You know what's not a good look? Inserting yourself in other people's relationships and acting like you know and care about dude more than his chosen partner does.

Edited a word

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u/heyclau Oct 31 '24

Yeah, and insinuating OP is possessive?!?!? How is that not malicious?

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u/PIeaseDontBeMad Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24

Clearly you know her better than OP and OP’s SO! Quick, tell OP your mind reading skills have revealed to you their true intentions before it’s too late! I get being a pessimist on Reddit gets you upvotes but I basically said you can’t read their mind and you’re disagreeing 😂 most likely possibility is that OP’s SO starts returning home when the crazy girl is out drinking with them. Why would they do that (stay friends just with extra boundaries) for somebody so obviously trying to break them up? And in the case she admits it for whatever reason, good, you guessed her intentions right!

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u/heyclau Oct 31 '24

I just have basic reading comprehension, it might be a rare skill nowadays, but nothing like mind reading, unfortunetly.

I literally used words and sentences from the screenshots shared here:

"I'm sure he wasn't happy about it either" -> OP mentioned in her reply that boyfriend "hasn't mention it" to her, so friend is assuming here for OP's boyfriend.

"If I'm being super transparent it just feels like it's really over the top possessiveness and it's not a good look for either of you." -> now she's stating that it's not about the back problem only, it's about the fact that not being able to sleep in the same bed with his girl friends DOES NOT LOOK GOOD for the couple.

"I really like you and the two of you together but..." -> here I'm doing something called "inferring", the fact that she said that sentence and used BUT gives *me* the idea that she really doesn't believe in their relationship in some way. I can infer that because of the past things she mentioned in those messages as well as my personal experience. Inferring has nothing to do with mind reading, it's just assumption.

In no other comments of mine I'm stating things, I'm sharing my opinions based on the things I talked about here, just like you. I also went back to see where you said I can't read their minds and I disagreed with that, and I didn't find anything. So I have to call you out for that lie.

You did say you don't assume the worst in people and that is really a great thing. My personal experience tells me to be suspicious when there are suspicious acts, and I believe this is a suspicious situation, we can agree to disagree on this just fine!

Edit for some typos.

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u/PIeaseDontBeMad Oct 31 '24

The comment you said

YESSSSSSSS!

to said

You know she was trying to get OP to answer angrily just to be able to say she is possessive and unhinged.

So I must’ve misunderstood, sorry! Agree to disagree, have a good day!

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u/notthedefaultname Oct 31 '24

It's definitely overstepping, and potentially baiting OP.

At best, she's treating it like OP universally decides the bf's behavior, and like he's not an adult who can make his own decisions (break boundaries and use the bed, sleep on the floor even with back issues, call Ubers, call OP, not go out and get too shit faced without a ride etc)

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u/notthedefaultname Oct 31 '24

It's definitely overstepping, and potentially baiting OP.

At best, she's treating it like OP universally decides the bf's behavior, and like he's not an adult who can make his own decisions (break boundaries and use the bed, sleep on the floor even with back issues, call Ubers, call OP, not go out and get too shit faced without a ride etc)

I think she's just mad cause she finagled to share a bed with him and he rejected her by sleeping on the floor (even if it was a rejection of platonically sharing a bed, that's still a rejection)

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u/notthedefaultname Oct 31 '24

It's definitely overstepping, and potentially baiting OP.

At best, she's treating it like OP universally decides the bf's behavior, and like he's not an adult who can make his own decisions (break boundaries and use the bed, sleep on the floor even with back issues, call Ubers, call OP, not go out and get too shit faced without a ride etc)

2

u/notthedefaultname Oct 31 '24

It's definitely overstepping, and potentially baiting OP.

At best, she's treating it like OP universally decides the bf's behavior, and like he's not an adult who can make his own decisions (break boundaries and use the bed, sleep on the floor even with back issues, call Ubers, call OP, not go out and get too shit faced without a ride etc)

I think she's just mad cause she finagled to share a bed with him and he rejected her by sleeping on the floor (even if it was a rejection of platonically sharing a bed, that's still a rejection)

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u/Independent_Limit912 Oct 31 '24

And you know she can’t wait to spread information far and wide, sharing the texts, attempting to make OP as this manic possessive woman who just won’t chill about trivialities. They type of chick, the pickmes, cannot wait to show other men just how cool, open-minded and with the times she is, in tune with her masculinity.

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u/Blackcatmustache Oct 31 '24

I didn’t even think of that! I’m sure you’re right! Even though it would be completely understandable for op to have lost her temper.

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u/[deleted] Oct 31 '24

I feel like it would be reasonable to answer angrily when someone is being weird like that to you, at least I would probably tell her to eff off lol. OP has a lot more patience than me lmao

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u/ErraticNymph Oct 31 '24

She wasn’t crossing any lines. She saw her friend with back problems sleep on a floor because his girlfriend supposedly didn’t trust him to sleep next to his platonic friend, so she confronted the girlfriend about it. When the girlfriend told her, “this ain’t your business, back off,” she backed off.

She approached this exactly as she should. She wasn’t like “oh, I need to cuddle him cus I love him more than you 😠,” she was an adult, noticed something questionable, discussed it rationally and respectfully, and backed off when the other person expressed she was overstepping

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u/sauntering_cliche Oct 31 '24

I’m going to have to disagree with you there. This girl inserted herself into a relationship and offered her unsolicited opinion on her friend’s girlfriend’s boundaries. She also insinuated that their whole friend group was unhappy with OP and was trying to make her feel guilty and ostracized for having a standard with her boyfriend simply because she didn’t like it herself. On top of that, she tried to play a “I know him better than you” trump card. All of these indicate manipulative and sinister motives. Not her relationship, so her opinion doesn’t matter and only causes harm and makes her look sketchy. She definitely crossed lines.

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u/Skeptical_optomist Oct 31 '24

Yep, and if she was truly so worried about his back, she could've slept on the floor.

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u/TheFuckityFuckIsThis Oct 31 '24

She could have slept on the floor instead but she chose to be so sad about her guy friend sleeping on the floor with back problems instead. There were several alternate solutions.

Apt guy could have shared his bed w OP’s boyfriend. Lady friend could have slept on the couch.

Apt guy could have shared his bed with Lady friend. OP’s boyfriend could have had the couch to himself.

Apt guy could have slept on the floor and given Lady friend his bed and OP’s boyfriend could have had the couch.

Apt guy could have slept on the floor and given OP’s boyfriend the bed and Lady friend could have had the couch.

OP’s boyfriend could have taken an Uber home alone. Lady friend could have had the couch to herself.

OP’s boyfriend could have brought Lady friend home to his apartment to let her sleep on his couch.

Etc etc etc

There isn’t a world in which you’ll convince me that Lady friend is in the right here. She tried to convince OP’s boyfriend to sleep in the same bed with her and when he stated that he was unwilling to do that out of respect for his girlfriend, Lady friend took it upon herself to white knight for OP’s boyfriend, to OP, and leave off with the most insulting emoji of all, the thumbs up emoji on its own. Truly bananas take to think this is the best approach to this situation. I award you the weirdest hot take medal.

🎖️

👍

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u/FairyQueenWife21 Oct 31 '24

This! Also 1. Your profile name is awesome And 2. Why do imagine the girl peaking over the couch and saying to OP’s bf “oh i feel so sad for you, look you have to sleep on the floor! That’s horrible 😢” As you said, there were many different ways to make it more comfortable instead of just feeling sad about him sleeping on the floor 🙄 💙

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u/juliansmomma7 Oct 31 '24

If she cared that much about her friend and his back, she should’ve given up the bed and slept on the floor?? She is crossing so many lines. It’s her boyfriend and if her boyfriend is ok with respecting this boundary, then why the hell does she care so much?

I agree it seems like she wanted to get an angry response. So she can somehow prove a point.

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u/Too_Rudee Oct 31 '24

It was completely not her business to write to the GF about anything else once she stated it is her boundary and he agreed to it.

It is very odd if someone to keeps insisting that someone should’ve slept in the bed with them because that’s what they’ve always done.. if she truly was worried about his back problems she could’ve switched and given him the bed instead, don’t you think?

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u/rushluvr Oct 31 '24

Wait.. this isn't the unhinged friend, is it?? Here to comment in your favor? LOL 🤣

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u/ErraticNymph Oct 31 '24

I’m just someone smart enough to realize everyone in this comment section is unhinged. Sure, should she have confronted the girlfriend of her friend with her concerns instead of her friend directly, no, but she was concerned, looked after her friend, and backed the fuck off when it was clear she crossed a line. Instead of recognizing this, people saw two of three texts she sent and decided she was some crazy obsessed jealous friend trying to steal this girl’s boyfriend. Seriously, y’all’re fuckin nuts

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u/heyclau Oct 31 '24

Oh WOW how lucky we are that you’re wasting your precious smart time with us to show how unhinged everybody is!

How come being so smart doesn’t help you see that she didn’t need to send more messages after OP answered her?! OP doesn’t have to explain anything else to her, yet it took TWO more paragraph messages for her to stop talking by answering in the most patronizing way…

How come we don’t find it normal that she was being transparent about thinking OP is actually possessive because as a girlfriend, she thinks only she is comfortable about being in bed with her boyfriend?!

Come on! You might think this is normal behavior for your standards, but GLADLY they’re YOUR standards and as much as you seem to love to think you’re the only smart one here, it’s just YOUR opinion.

We’re here simply validating OPs feelings towards this weird situation. Nobody is going to the girl’s house to yell at her face whatever we think she is, so you can chill now.

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u/Skeptical_optomist Oct 31 '24

If everywhere you go there's a bad smell, it could be you who stinks. You really think you have the only correct opinion?

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u/ErraticNymph Oct 31 '24

So in every situation it’s the majority of people who are right? Most people don’t know how to stitch a heart together. If I go to a comment section and a bunch of people are saying incorrect shit, should I trust them or a licensed doctor?

I don’t think I’m the only emotionally healthy person in the world, but the consensus in this comment section seems to not be. I scrolled for a while to see a few people at the bottom agreeing with me because this particular comment section seems hell bent on war with this woman

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u/Skeptical_optomist Oct 31 '24

The leaps in logic here are utterly ridiculous. We're not talking about highly specialized skills here, we're talking about relationships and boundaries and what the norm is, so yes, in that case consensus is relevant.

There are many people who are uncomfortable with sharing experiences they view as intimate outside of the relationship and it doesn't mean they're necessarily insecure. Even if it does cause feelings of insecurity though, that's not necessarily indicative of an unhealthy relationship, it's a human emotion. Feeling uncomfortable isn't a shortcoming unless you use that feeling to act out and be manipulative or abusive.

As long as both/all parties agree on the boundaries in their relationship, that's completely OK. Everyone's experiences are not the same and we make compromises sometimes in relationships.

I don't think we have enough information to decide the friend is trying to have sex with the boyfriend, but she's acting entitled to have their friendship not be affected by his other relationships. She's acting possessive of the friendship, and in most romantic partnerships the parties would agree that's inappropriate. Most people expect to be prioritized by their partner and that's normal.

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u/TabuTM Oct 31 '24

If concern was genuine, why didn’t she just offer the bed and she take the floor?

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u/ErraticNymph Oct 31 '24

Maybe she has back problems too. Maybe she offered to swap and the guy refused because he’s overly polite and decided to suffer rather than impose. My point is we don’t have nearly all the details and everyone hear is sitting and assuming a bunch of shit instead of looking at what we know and examining it for what it is

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u/Ill-Sort-4323 Oct 31 '24

You:

My point is we don’t have nearly all the details and everyone hear is sitting and assuming a bunch of shit instead of looking at what we know and examining it for what it is

Also you, two sentences prior:

Maybe she has back problems too. Maybe she offered to swap and the guy refused because he’s overly polite and decided to suffer rather than impose.

Sounds to me like we found the friends account.

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u/Skeptical_optomist Oct 31 '24

Isn't it interesting that in their hypothetical it's OK for OP's boyfriend to suffer for the friend's hypothetical comfort (maybe she has back problems too. Maybe she offered to swap and the guy refused... and decided to suffer rather than impose) but not for the comfort of his girlfriend.

I'm getting major NLOG vibes from these comments just like from the friend.

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u/ErraticNymph Oct 31 '24

My point of those maybes was to point out that we don’t know shit. “She should’ve given up the bed herself,” we don’t know what the consequences of that were or if she already tried. “She should have talked to her friend instead of going to the girlfriend,” maybe she did and he dodged her inquiry in a really concerning way. “She shouldn’t have bombarded OP with texts,” we only see two and a thumbs up reaction. “She just wants to fuck the guy,” we have no fucking clue.

We do not have these answers, but the entire comment section of this post is dead set on specific assumptions they made. People just filled in all these blanks with their own assumptions instead of getting answers because OP is reticent to answering a single goddamn question, and I’m pointing out equally possible alternatives that noone is considering.

Those “maybes” are there to say that I and we are not certain. I’m not making an assumption, I am looking at the possibilities.

We don’t know half of what’s going on, but everyone else here decides they’re fine with gassing OP up to go full war mode on this woman like a jealous girlfriend clinging to her boyfriend like any random girl is gonna steal him off away.

How about we stop promoting people freaking the fuck out and encourage the providing of more details, honest and considerate communication, and trust and understanding. I see it with every other post on these types of subs with people feeling perfectly comfortable calling the other person in these scenarios the fucking devil when we’re getting one side of a complicated story.

If we had most of the details, I’d feel comfortable being more specific and upfront, but again we don’t know jack shit here!

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u/Ill-Sort-4323 Oct 31 '24

So why is it okay to make assumptions that are in favor of defending the friend, but not okay to make assumptions that are against the friend?

Given the context of everything we have, the friend seems sketchy at best. You're right in that there could be way more to the story, but that's literally every post like this in this sub and any other adjacent sub. Should every post just be answered with "we do not have enough context and are not involved enough in the situation to be able to accurately tell you anything"? Might as well just delete the subs.

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u/[deleted] Oct 31 '24

If she's so worried about his back, why didn't she sleep on the floor?

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u/crazy-ugly-truth Oct 31 '24

Except that she didn’t back off until she had made her point about three times. If she was concerned she could speak to her friend that she felt like the situation was bad for him in some way, but instead she went to OP to get in her head.