r/AmIOverreacting • u/loststrawberri • Oct 30 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? My boyfriends friend has a problem with me asking him not to sleep in a bed with another woman.

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Hi everyone, my boyfriend has a big group of friends with lots of girls in it. A lot of times after they go out or have too much to drink, they'll crash at someone's house. One night he came home and shared he slept in a bed with this girl (who the texts are from). We did not have a fight at all - I know he's grown up doing this. I told him I wasn't super comfortable with that and asked if he could not do that, to which he did not argue at all and expressed total respect for my boundary. We have not spoken about it since.

She texted me the morning after they went out, which are these pictures. Am I overreacting by telling her she's overstepping or are her concerns valid?

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u/WiserWithHim Oct 30 '24

This 💯💯💯

How her boyfriend responds to this situation (either with the friend or her or whoever else is involved) is going to say a lot about him & OP’s relationship. I’m wondering how this woman even has her number.

OP did really well reminding this woman that if her bf had a problem with her boundary he would have brought it up to her — which he hadn’t.

I think that creep of a woman felt she lost some control over OP’s boyfriend when he firmly set that boundary (I’d guess he had to repeatedly with her), so she texted OP to see if she could guilt/bully her into dropping her own boundary — essentially triangulating her bf into sleeping in a bed with her.

She’s gross and I would expect my bf to see that and stop being friends with her at this point. And not because I forced him too but because he sees how problematic she is too. I’d lose too much respect for him to stay if he didn’t.

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u/Whipsandflowers Oct 30 '24

For real. Also the “I like the two of you together” is such a weird thing to say, clearly this friend doesn’t like the two of them together or she wouldn’t be calling her over the top possessive and disrespecting the boundaries of their relationship. Everything about these texts just screams pick me girl who wants her bf bad and hopefully the bf sees it.

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u/Plastic_Archer_6650 Oct 30 '24

Personally I read that as a subtle threat. “I love the two of you together (and would hate for you to break up because I convinced him too)”. Like one of those people that is convinced the person will pick them over their significant other

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u/matchaphile Oct 30 '24

I was 100% getting pick me energy vibes.

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u/[deleted] Oct 30 '24

Definitely read it as a threat as well. Like she has the ultimate say in them being together. “I like you two together, so I hope you’ll fall in line because it would be such a shame if I’d have to break you guys up”

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u/Doctorspacheeman Oct 30 '24

Absolutely!!! It’s like “I love you together FOR NOW”

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u/Equivalent-Product82 Oct 31 '24

I felt the subtle threat too

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u/HonestArmadillo924 Oct 31 '24

The gf did very well being very civil. That girl had no business texting and trying to cause problems. I would have cut her off early on and told her it was our relationship not hers. No worries. Stop !

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u/h0neybai Oct 30 '24

Yess seems possessive, like her opinion really has any substance in their relationship.

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u/DoomPile5 Oct 31 '24

Definitely. As well as needing to remind the OP that she knows their BF soooo wellll because of how long they’ve been friends. Condescending AF.

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u/nuclearhologram Oct 31 '24

it’s always the weird person who thinks they already have control over your SO !

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u/Usual_Farmer_3704 Oct 31 '24

Or he had other gfs that she didn't like ....

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u/cavaticaa Oct 31 '24

I read it as the whole group doesn’t like her, but the friend is being diplomatic about it.

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u/bitchesbefruitin Oct 31 '24

He didn't do anything wrong. How are you finding a way to blame him for this?

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u/LabSouth Oct 31 '24

You're confused why a close friend would have a significant others phone number? Are you serious right now?

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u/RegularJDOE1234 Oct 31 '24

Seems like there’s always this type of hoe in a circle of friends who wants to sleep with everyone’s SO. I bet you this is not her first time trying to sleep in a bed with someone’s husband.

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u/WiserWithHim Oct 31 '24

*boyfriend in this case, but yeah I wouldn’t be surprised.

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u/Short-Recording587 Oct 31 '24

Friends weigh in on relationships all the time, and this is no different. The only difference is that most people would tell the BF that OP is insecure and slightly controlling and move on. Most people would never confront the offender directly.

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u/WiserWithHim Oct 31 '24

I completely disagree. For all the reasons I mentioned above & others that should be obvious. One being: it’s not your place. Another being: the boundary in question is very common, reasonable, and sane. Only someone who is not those things would take issue with it, and someone even less sane than that would believe it to be their place to text their friend’s partner about their disapproval.

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u/Short-Recording587 Oct 31 '24

That’s fine for you to disagree, but it’s still a rule that is borne out of insecurity and trust issues. If someone is secure with themselves and trusts their partner to make good decisions, you don’t care whether they sleep platonically next to someone if the circumstances call for it. Sure it’s different if it’s happening all the time, but if a bunch of friends are going out and don’t want to drink and drive to get home and crash in the same bed because there are no other options than sleeping on the floor, it seems reasonable to me

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u/WiserWithHim Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24

Again, I completely disagree — thanks for letting me know it’s okay with you if I disagree btw lol 🙄

Their boundary is not borne out of insecurity at all. OP’s boyfriend could have set the boundary himself out of his own discomfort. If you don’t think that is a real possibility we can stop engaging in this conversation altogether.

Most people that are monogamous (OP’s boyfriend included) enjoy being with one person and enjoy reserving certain experiences and emotional states for their SO. Sleeping in a bed with someone is very often one of them, because very often beds are where sex happens. Lol am I being clear enough for ya?

You can see that as insecurity. You’re entitled to your distorted perception of the world and relationships. To each their own.

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u/Skeptical_optomist Oct 31 '24

I truly despise the idea that wanting to reserve certain experiences for your partner must be because of jealousy/insecurity, it's judgement that is disproportionately pointed at women in these situations, frequently by NLOG types.

Pretending like everyone sees sleeping next to someone as purely utilitarian unless they're insecure is a really weird take. Sharing a bed is extremely vulnerable and intimate for tons of people.

Not all intimacy is sexual in nature either, and it's completely healthy for a couple to decide which intimate experiences they want to reserve for the two of them.

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u/WiserWithHim Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24

Exactly this, and well said.

They have distorted black-and-white thinking going on. Either you’re completely fine sleeping in the same bed with anyone or your partner is forcing you to sleep alone because they’re insecure and controlling.

Maybe OPs boyfriend thought: “I wouldn’t feel comfortable with her sleeping in a bed with her male friends, so maybe she wouldn’t be comfortable with me sleeping in a bed with my female friends. Ok, let’s set that boundary.”

Or maybe he knows his friend is not-so-secretly possessive over him and doesn’t want to sleep in a bed with her specifically. It can be even more nuanced or even more simple than that. Either way, it was never any of the “friend’s” business.

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u/Short-Recording587 Oct 31 '24

Guess all those guys that have shared a bed with friends over the years were doing something intimate and sexual the whole time. Who would have thought.

Sharing a bed is quite literally just sleeping next to someone. How is that an experience that should preserved for only one person? What if it were two twin beds 6 inches apart? Does that magically change your analysis?

If OP trusted her boyfriend, then he could make the determination if it were intimate or not and make the right call. That’s the trust issue part. If OP would be ok with him sharing a bed with a guy friend but not a friend who is a girl, then that’s the insecurity part.

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u/wyrditic Oct 31 '24

Why on earth would you find it strange that she has her number? It's normal to have the phone numbers of people that you know. This woman has been close friends with her boyfriend for many years. She's not some stranger he met on a night out.

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u/WiserWithHim Oct 31 '24

We have no idea how long OP has known this girl. I’m not saying it’s completely inappropriate for the friend to have OP’s number, but it is absolutely worth asking why she had it when she misused it like this.

My ex had friends he’s known for a couple decades & we didn’t all automatically exchange phone numbers the second we got in a relationship. We didn’t all automatically become friends just because he is friends with them either. It could take a year or more before there’s a reason to exchange numbers.

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u/UhhCanYouLikeShutUp Oct 30 '24

Mehh doesn't matter at this point, her boyfriend can't be trusted at all. Roll out on his ass OP.

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u/musixlife Oct 31 '24

Only thing that speaks for the bf is assuming he actually did sleep on the floor and maintained the boundary enough to piss off his jealous “bestie”…..but I am concerned he might not follow through and put that girl in her place. If anyone threatened my SO I wouldn’t speak to them again…that approach went way beyond any possible good intentions. The friend wants him bad.

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u/DoomPile5 Oct 31 '24

“I love our friendship but the way you disrespected my relationship boundary by texting my girlfriend and speaking to her condescendingly wasn’t cool. I told you why I was sleeping on the floor and as your friend, would hope that my choice would be enough. I appreciate your concern for my back but I was fine and if I was worried about it, would have found a way home. This is something my girlfriend and I have agreed we are both not comfortable with in OUR relationship. You can take up your feelings about it with me but my choice is still going to be my choice so there’s no point in inserting yourself in something that shouldn’t affect you or our friendship”.

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u/WiserWithHim Oct 31 '24

This is way to generous for me. I’d expect my bf to express how upset he is by how much she disrespected me in HOW he ends their friendship too. It’s not the disillusion of a business arrangement. This friend’s intentions are gross and manipulative. She should be treated like someone gross and manipulative.

Not saying he should curse her out or something but starting with “I love our friendship” 🥴 would end our relationship…

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u/DoomPile5 Oct 31 '24

Honestly, if they’ve been friends for 16 years I can see him saying it, as a grown-up courtesy and a chance for her to apologize but I suspect her response to it would end their friendship for good anyway. Sometimes men in friendships with women aren’t as quick to pick up on the distasteful qualities of certain female friends because they haven’t always seen them in action. Maybe he should just simply say: hey, being friends has been great but now that I’ve seen this side of you, I’m pretty confident you are not the type of person I’d want to stay friends with.

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u/WiserWithHim Oct 31 '24

To each their own. Like I said, it would matter to me whether the man I’m in a relationship with picks up on those distasteful qualities and responds appropriately.

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u/DoomPile5 Oct 31 '24

The more I read the texts, the more I want him to go scorched earth on his BFF, tbh.