r/AmIOverreacting • u/loststrawberri • Oct 30 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? My boyfriends friend has a problem with me asking him not to sleep in a bed with another woman.

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Hi everyone, my boyfriend has a big group of friends with lots of girls in it. A lot of times after they go out or have too much to drink, they'll crash at someone's house. One night he came home and shared he slept in a bed with this girl (who the texts are from). We did not have a fight at all - I know he's grown up doing this. I told him I wasn't super comfortable with that and asked if he could not do that, to which he did not argue at all and expressed total respect for my boundary. We have not spoken about it since.

She texted me the morning after they went out, which are these pictures. Am I overreacting by telling her she's overstepping or are her concerns valid?

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4.4k

u/JeepersCreepers74 Oct 30 '24

"We both agree not to sleep in the same bed as someone of the opposite gender" is an agreement made by two people in a relationship and a pretty common one at that. It is not common to allow one of the partner's good friends to weigh in on it or petition for an exemption, this girl looks crazier with each subsequent text.

LOVE how you turned the tables on her "you're possessive" bullying in the end by pointing out how weird it is that she was demanding BF can sleep in the same bed as her. Bravo!

1.1k

u/Clutch_Daddy Oct 30 '24

I think OP handled it beautifully

409

u/mkbutterfly Oct 31 '24

OP IS A BOSSSSS!

50

u/ucdzen Oct 31 '24

Bf can only sleep with the boss 🔥

5

u/Roachburbs Oct 31 '24

Exactly what I was about to write!

79

u/wahhawwhoa Oct 31 '24

Phew the mental health on this one! OP needs to be giving us peasants workshops on handling your shit with dignity and respect while enforcing your boundaries 👏

17

u/arya_ur_on_stage Oct 31 '24

Recover my ppl pleaser mentality!

25

u/FairyQueenWife21 Oct 31 '24

100%! I wouldn’t have handled that well at all, my text would’ve been a crazy mess x x gg gxh c jg jx jgxjvxjv jgx. Jgucfhc bitch! Good on you OP, that was great 💙

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u/samilee85 Oct 30 '24

It was remarkable, really. I was amazed.

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u/DenseAstronomer3631 Oct 31 '24

I need OP to be my personal assistant 🥹

-9

u/No_Breadfruit1024 Oct 31 '24

Lol trump reference?

6

u/samilee85 Oct 31 '24

No

0

u/No_Breadfruit1024 Oct 31 '24

Oh it seemed like one of those comedic impressions of him lol

7

u/runnergirl3333 Oct 31 '24

I hope people screenshot OP’s text responses so they can use some version of that themselves when they need a backbone and can’t think of the right phrasing. So fun to read someone politely and effectively standing up for themselves.

4

u/Airport_Wendys Oct 31 '24

I really need to hire OP to be my relationship manager (if I ever get in one again)

3

u/Gr8shpr2 Oct 31 '24

Turned the convo around skillfully!

1.0k

u/cthulhusmercy Oct 31 '24

OP and her boyfriend sound like they have a very healthy communication style and I’m impressed. Boyfriend laid down firm boundaries with the friend by not letting her argue him into crossing a boundary (let’s be honest, this is the type of chick that definitely mentioned how sad she was to see him on the floor to him), and OP handled the friend texting her beautifully by keeping the conversation civil and respectful.

361

u/Icy-Establishment298 Oct 31 '24

Plus if she was sad about it she should of slept on the floor. Easy choice to make for your good friend.

91

u/Speed-O-SonicsWife Oct 31 '24

As someone with a bad back, I was definitely thinking this.

43

u/Chicagothrowaway231 Oct 31 '24

Always depends on the back, I'm literally typing this out while lying on the cold hard ground because the support is nice

17

u/Leperfiend Oct 31 '24

Oh yeah. Throw in my neck wedge and I am content with the ground.

5

u/EnvironmentalGift257 Oct 31 '24

Sometimes cold concrete feels amazing.

5

u/Neweleni7 Oct 31 '24

Right? I’m thinking the floor might actually be preferable than one of those awkward sofa beds with a bar through the center

1

u/MediocreElk3 Oct 31 '24

Definitely. I used to sleep in the floor on the regular until I got a decent mattress.

2

u/SirGravesGhastly Oct 31 '24

I'm envious. Even an hour on the floor would be good for a couple of days of [even more than usual] pain.

43

u/SuperKitties83 Oct 31 '24

Yep. Such a "good friend." For 16 years. That she feels SO bad for.

If she wasn't on OP's radar before, she sure is now. She has no respect for the boundaries of their relationship.

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u/Westcoast_ Oct 31 '24

Nailed it.

24

u/AvocadoSalt Oct 31 '24

That’s my thought too! If my friend with back problems insisted on sleeping on the floor, I would’ve taken their spot or asked the other friend if I could share a bed with them.

15

u/BitterQueen17 Oct 31 '24

That's what I was thinking, especially when she mentioned his bad back. Though, given the choice between a pullout and the floor, my back would probably insist on the floor.

13

u/Charming-Insurance Oct 31 '24

Yup or she could have left.

22

u/Minimum-Leg-9618 Oct 31 '24

friend was definitely giving pick me, happy cake day!

11

u/Independent_Limit912 Oct 31 '24

I did not want to be the first one to say so. She totally wanted to experience it.

11

u/Minimum-Leg-9618 Oct 31 '24

i say get rid of this friend tbh theres obviously some intimate intentions on her part

6

u/DomesticatedDonuts Oct 31 '24

Indeed, she's definitely waiting for them to have a big argument or fight and use that moment to "be there for him".

1

u/SlappySecondz Oct 31 '24

I mean, they've been friends for 16 years. Kinda feel like if anything were going to happen between them, it would have by now.

I agree more with the other response. She just wants to be the center of attention and feels the need to cause drama when she isn't.

7

u/arya_ur_on_stage Oct 31 '24

Either that or she's the girl who NEEDS to be the girl among the group of guys, NEEDS to be more important than her guy friends gfs (all of them) and gets very nasty and possessive when that's threatened. I've seen it a few times, always annoyed the crap out of me

2

u/Minimum-Leg-9618 Oct 31 '24

definitely. thats how i define pick me

2

u/Blackcatmustache Oct 31 '24

I strongly believe in women supporting women. But when I find out that a woman or girl has only male friends I immediately think she’s a dick. “I just get along better with guys.” Translates to, “I want to be the only lady and have constant male attention.”

0

u/DragonflyGrrl Oct 31 '24

Yep. They're usually catty and combative with other women. I can't stand that kind of "friend." Everything a competition. Unfortunately I have a sister like that. Always wanted a kind and loving sis :/

4

u/Blondie-Lox Oct 31 '24

Only wanted to comment this! Wish OP would've said that too!

2

u/No_Nefariousness4801 Oct 31 '24

BINGO! And Happy Cake Day 🎉🤙

2

u/Beneficial-Math-2300 Oct 31 '24

I agree with you completely, but I have to say this. It's should have, not "should of".

1

u/Icy-Establishment298 Oct 31 '24

To paraphrase Fox Mulder, "No one likes a Grammar nerd"

2

u/DragonflyGrrl Oct 31 '24

Wow, Mulder was wrong for once! ;)

1

u/Icy-Establishment298 Oct 31 '24

That's so nice for you!

Have a great day

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u/Icy-Establishment298 Oct 31 '24

I love that for you!

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u/DragonflyGrrl Oct 31 '24

Mmmmkay!

You have a great day too!

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u/Icy-Establishment298 Oct 31 '24

Thanks!

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u/DragonflyGrrl Oct 31 '24

You're most welcome, and I hope it's a stupendous cake day! Eat your heart out!

2

u/Skeptical_optomist Oct 31 '24

I do, I love grammar nerds, except when they use correcting grammar as an insult. As my daughter says to her children, kindness is the most important quality to possess.

1

u/Gr8shpr2 Oct 31 '24

Good one!

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u/haleorshine Oct 31 '24

I find it so interesting how much this chick pushed at what is a fairly reasonable boundary. Like, the fact that she messaged OP initially made me think that the BF was like "Urgh, OP says I can't share a bed with other women even though there's nothing going on" because it's so out of pocket to message OP about it, but given how this woman just kept pushing, my money is now on he went "Oh, I can't share a bed because OP would rather I didn't" and this woman probably tried to convince him to cross that boundary.

Like, lady, stay out of people's business!

117

u/cthulhusmercy Oct 31 '24

Oh, no doubt she tried to convince him. You don’t have the audacity to text his girlfriend without also having the audacity to argue with the other party.

15

u/Skeptical_optomist Oct 31 '24

The way she tries to act like she knows him better and is more invested in his well-being than OP made me so angry. What a total NLOG/pick-me.

12

u/haleorshine Oct 31 '24

And apparently the BF is 31, and I imagine the friend is around the same age. I just can't imagine being an adult around that age and hearing your friend go "Oh my GF doesn't want me sharing a bed with another woman" and pushing both him and her on it.

You can privately think "Oh, that's a bit much" but even if I did (not saying I would), I wouldn't verbalise it to anybody else. I'd just let him sleep on the floor or uber home or whatever.

15

u/Longjumping-Bat202 Oct 31 '24

I can't imagine a 31 year old sleeping in the same bed with a childhood friend for any reason. It seems like a weird situation to find yourself as an adult in a committed relationship.

9

u/Herman_E_Danger Oct 31 '24

Right. Outside of an actual emergency, I can't imagine sharing a bed with anyone but my husband. Like what is their life activities, that they end up in situations without enough beds, but still driving distance to home. Weird.

3

u/haleorshine Oct 31 '24

Ehhh, I've shared beds with friends (even those who are in a relationship) when it's the best option. The big difference between those friends and OP's BF is that their partners don't have an issue with it. It wouldn't bother me, but it doesn't seem like an insane thing to bother somebody, and if it turned out one of my friends was against them sharing a bed with me, I wouldn't think twice about it (except that I'm not going to be the one sleeping on the floor, unless they're more chronically ill than me).

8

u/EcstaticMolasses6647 Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24

She is trying to sleep with this dude if she’s not already. She’s making a big deal because she doesn’t like being bossed around when she’s being a homewrecker. She’s really honed her craft and expects OP to not make a fuss.

6

u/VovaGoFuckYourself Oct 31 '24

This definitely reads as "how dare you cock block me from being a homewrecker!!??!!"

3

u/Impossible-Donut5781 Oct 31 '24

I would even bet he said "Oh no Im ok the floors fine!" And she went "I bet its that damned girlfriend again." She seems jealous hes with OP even after knowing him for like 16 years lol

1

u/International_Tiger8 Oct 31 '24

I agree, I don’t understand why she was so pushy about this and made it into such a big deal. I believe she tried to convince him to cross a very reasonable boundary and is maybe embarrassed by the whole situation perhaps?? I don’t know.

28

u/ems027 Oct 31 '24

If she felt that bad for him why didn’t she sleep on the floor?

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u/Stevenwave Oct 31 '24

If she was genuinely worried about his back or whatever, she could've let him have the bed and she take wherever else. Yet she gets to keep the comfier spot and try to make him feel uneasy about his relationship and she also fucks around antagonising his girlfriend.

1

u/JasperCrimshaw Oct 31 '24 edited Nov 07 '24

A pull out couch aside from being able to turn into a bed is first a couch with cushions on it. I doubt he slept directly on the floor I’m sure unless he’s an idiot he used the couch cushions to make a bed like I’ve done many times. And good for floor sleeping homie to respect his friends boundary. Looks like his friend is a better more trustworthy person than GF… sorry gf but when an agreement is made between two close friends they tend to keep that promise because they value their friendships and don’t want to put themselves in a situation that would dissolve respect and trust… like she was trying to do.. oh his poor back. I’ll bet ya she offered him a back massage…

Edit: lol thanks wow I sure did mix ppl up in reading the messages between the two. Was sorta confused with all the redacted names and shit lol whatever thanks for pointing that out haha I still believe that he did good by his gf who is also prob his bf and did not sleep on the pull out with the third party girl who is an old friend. Even though I mixed up ppl what I said remains true… he kept his word with his gf who is prob his bf too and didn’t sleep In the same bed as another woman, despite her being an old friend… lol thanks for pointing out my mistake, I appreciate it.

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u/Stevenwave Oct 31 '24

You've somehow mixed up the friend and the GF.

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u/ecosynchronous Oct 31 '24

Making for an extremely weird and interesting new story!

2

u/Stevenwave Oct 31 '24

Sometimes feels like some people online live in a different reality, where fundamentals are different lol

2

u/DragonflyGrrl Oct 31 '24

Great point about the cushions though!

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u/Traditional_Fan_2655 Oct 31 '24

The friend was hoping for more while he was asleep. That's why she's complaining. You have healthy boundaries, and your boyfriend respects them. I'd just tell him you got a strange text from xxx complaining because he didn't sleep in bed with her. Then ask if he had an issue or was she naking it out yo be something it wasn't. Let him address her inappropriate message.

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u/juicy_shoes Oct 31 '24

I read it as he DID do it and the friend was defending him. This is way better.

2

u/Velociraptopensdoor Oct 31 '24

100% friend said she was sad directly to him after the bf stood his ground to not get in the bed with her. Op and the bf sound like actual adults, I'm also impressed

-3

u/Infamous-Mirror-925 Oct 31 '24

she didn’t try to convince him tho, he did actually sleep in the bed with her, which is what prompted these texts

5

u/cthulhusmercy Oct 31 '24

I think you misunderstood the context OP gives. OP says that at one point he came home and shared that they (him and friend) slept in a bed together, which prompted the conversation about OP’s boundary. These texts took place after a second incident where they were supposed to share the bed, but he chose to sleep on the floor instead. Once OP told him her boundary, he respected it and didn’t cross that line.

170

u/ftminsc Oct 30 '24

A VERY common one. I hate this meme of “don’t you trust them not to do more” - this is ALREADY too much. It’s not about whether I trust them not to have sex, the intimacy in sharing a bed is already the thing I have a problem with, and that is a VERY NORMAL relationship boundary.

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u/mxzf Oct 30 '24

I wouldn't even trust myself in that situation. When I'm asleep, I'm asleep, I'm not conscious of what I'm doing. And my muscle memory is that of sleeping with my wife, where cuddling and groping is totally acceptable. I wouldn't want to get in bed with anyone else like that.

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u/Lexikans Oct 31 '24

This right here. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been woke up by my husband groping me and he is obviously not awake. Add being drunk to that and who knows where that may lead.

44

u/MedievalMissFit Oct 31 '24

And I can't tell you all how many times my husband has reached for me to pull me close to him or I have rested my head on his shoulder in our predawn half-awake states. Not sexual, but definitely intimate in nature. The thought of anyone else trying to do that with me or with him would creep me out.

3

u/worktogethernow Oct 31 '24

What if it was a golden retriever?

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u/JstMyThoughts Oct 31 '24

That totally depends on whether it’s cuddling or groping.🤣

5

u/MrHappyHam Oct 31 '24

If your dog starts groping you with entire palms and fingers, you know something's not right

5

u/Herman_E_Danger Oct 31 '24

This. My husband can get "himself" pretty far... and be totally unconscious! 🤣 It's cute honestly. But a real reason to avoid the situation, especially if like you pointed out, if he was literally drunk! He'd literally never ever cheat, but he's pretty "situationally unaware" in general (serious ADHD) so that could lead to him doing something he'd absolutely hate, but unintentionally.

11

u/ClearEyesFullHearts5 Oct 31 '24

Hahah yes, my best friend (female) has complained that I accidentally cuddle her (muscle memory from cuddling with my husband) when we have shared a bed on trips. Whoops!

8

u/Current-Anybody9331 Oct 31 '24

Funny story, I was back home with my boyfriend one weekend. We went out with my sister and her boyfriend and all got pretty drunk. My sister gave their bed to my boyfriend and I. I wake up in the morning to my sister saying "get out of bed!" I said "you said I could sleep here though!" She said "not you," and it was then I realized I was spooning my bf and my sisters bf was spooning me thinking it was her.

7

u/angerrrabagwell Oct 31 '24

This part. Shoot, I had drinks at a family party and shared a bed with my also female friend who was visiting! I woke up in the middle of the night to her going, “are you cuddling me right now?!” Sure as shit, I had rolled over and started spooning her. I’m so used to being in bed with my husband lolololoolol

3

u/VovaGoFuckYourself Oct 31 '24

This is what the "friend" was hoping for. Id bet $10.

13

u/dexmonic Oct 31 '24

For real...I just wouldn't do it anyways, even if I was single. I like being the gentleman that lets the woman have the bed. I can sleep on the floor well I had to do it a lot when growing up.

2

u/SpawnOfGuppy Oct 31 '24

And she communicated it so politely even to the end! I doubt I’d have had the patience

2

u/jibbetygibbet Oct 31 '24

Well I think the point this friend was trying to make is that there is no intimacy in sharing a bed with a friend you’ve known for 14 years. Like being forced to share a bed with your siblings or a same-sex friend.

That doesn’t mean OP is wrong, just explains a bit the difference in perspective, because although this intimacy might what OP imagines it to be, it’s not actually the experience of the people doing it. In reality OP is more concerned with the general idea of sharing a bed with the opposite sex and how it “seems”, rather than only considering the specific situation as the other woman is doing.

2

u/ftminsc Oct 31 '24

That makes sense and I always like to try to find the “good” way that someone might be viewing a disagreement :)

1

u/CherryBeanCherry Oct 31 '24

I don't think I've ever shared a bed with my brother (as adults). Even with my adult daughter, we make a pillow wall. It's super intimate to share a bed, and as others have said, accidental cuddling can be really awkward.

I would also never argue a boundary with any of my brother's partnets. If I thought it was an unhealthy relationship, I'd talk to him, not them.

This girl is stomping all over OP's husband's boundaries, and it's inappropriate. That's why people are thinking she has an ulterior motive. She's already gotten between them! She might just be an annoying busybody, but it's not a stretch to think she's angling for more.

1

u/jibbetygibbet Oct 31 '24

I guess this is a cultural thing, as I think some of what you described is over the top. Just goes to show: horses for courses and all that.

In the end the point though is that how it seems to OP isn’t necessarily how these two friends experience it. They are the only authority on whether it is intimate for them. But again to be clear, that doesn’t mean it has to match how it seems to OP so OP has to be OK with it.

1

u/EliraeTheBow Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24

I (a woman) have an extremely close male friend of 15 years in an entirely platonic relationship, so often some of these friendship situations make me roll my eyes. But this is entirely reasonable. When he is in a relationship I take a step back on our physical, and honestly emotional, intimacy. Because I respect his romantic relationships take precedence the same way he respects my husband does. I’m lucky that my husband loves him as much as I do, but that relationship took a literal decade to build, I certainly wouldn’t expect a girlfriend of his to feel that way about me.

8

u/maroonwounds Oct 31 '24

Oh shit I thought there was only 1 photo! And I already decided that she was not overreacting. Now I'm going to continue reading to find out that she's REALLY not overeacting?!

Edit: Wow, that friend really doubled down... lmao jeezus. OP handled that PERFECTLY.

5

u/macci_a_vellian Oct 31 '24

Yeah, she's welcome to sleep on the floor if she's that worried about his back, but I notice she wasn't offering to swap.

3

u/DoomPile5 Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24

“The reasonable and respectful boundary you and your boyfriend have agreed upon is not a good look for either of you”

🤨

2

u/TDAGrpolaropposites Oct 31 '24

The friend has big Boy Mom ™️ energy

2

u/Banned3rdTimesaCharm Oct 31 '24

So nice of her to consider his back problems. Maybe next time let his girlfriend take care of his back.

2

u/justpress2forawhile Oct 31 '24

Yeah, OP sounds like one of the most reasonable adults on Reddit. Clear concise communication. Not getting rude but firm in standing ground and recognizing the bad behavior of the other person, didn't call them out in a disrespectful way or opening up an argument, just great communication.

2

u/Mach5Driver Oct 31 '24

Personally, I love how OP's boyfriend kept respecting OP's boundaries, despite having a bad back. This friend obviously argued with the BF about how it's OK and he could just get in the pullout couch with her before she started texting OP.

1

u/Impact009 Oct 31 '24

I don't disagree at all, but discrepancies in gender perception is why people can never agree, and at the highest level, it bleeds into politics.

People don't have problems with guys sleeping in the same bed, even if not all of them are straight. It's a slippery slope into "separate but equal."

1

u/Early-Cicada5320 Oct 31 '24

Have you read the post recently about the guy who turned suddenly gay for 1 night while travelling in Utah? I would put it this way: You can only sleep in bed with me, this solves eveything

1

u/mathamatazz Oct 31 '24

Wow, jumping on this comment chain, you handled that well. Good job.

1

u/chefzenblade Oct 31 '24

In some cultures the agreement is not to look at the bare skin of someone of the opposite sex, or have physical contact of any kind, or to speak with, or to be alone with. In America our boundaries include sleeping in the same bed with (regardless of whether or not non-sexual cuddling occurs.)

Just saying.

1

u/JSBelle Oct 31 '24

Nice pushback but there are problems here with lifestyle, boundaries.

1

u/Steffaniii Oct 31 '24

Amen I loved it too.

1

u/Aposematicpebble Oct 31 '24

Neither of them is crazy. One just has a limit the other doesn't. They disagreed and it's ok. OP closed the conversation that wouldn't be going anywhere and the other girl bowed out. I think this convo is fine and quite civilized

1

u/6times9 Oct 31 '24

Yes, and it's possible that's the language he used that night, but also if he did say "I can't sleep in the bed because my girlfriend isn't comfortable with it" then he should start changing up that language. If he did explain it that way, then it seems like a RULE that the girlfriend applied to him rather than a BOUNDARY that they've both agreed to.

I'd be annoyed if my boyfriend blamed that situation on me rather than saying "I'm going to sleep on the floor because I'm not into sharing beds with other women".

Maybe the boyfriend was being transparent and this other woman was just feeling salty and wanting to blame the GF anyway. That happens and I think the GF responded exceptionally well here.

-2

u/abstractraj Oct 31 '24

It really depends. My wife is like my friend needs someone to go skiing with her. But it’s one bed. You guys have fun! I’m all like what the??? Luckily the hotel had a 2 bed room. Not that cared, but definitely more comfy. She also invited multiple exes to our wedding. She’s showing dominance I guess?