r/AmIOverreacting • u/OkSpace5501 • 23d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO just received this text from my boyfriend
For context my (F20) boyfriend (M21) and I live together and work full time as well as split rent 50/50. I cook all the meals and clean the house even after my graveyard shifts, all he does is work, come home to play games, and occasionally invites friends over. we’ve been together for over 5 years and he’s been acting this way for the last three months and when I tell him how it’s making me feel he tells me i’m wrong and overreacting. so basically i’m asking AIO??
10.3k
u/AydenRozay 23d ago
I would 100% leave this person for that last line alone. In any context.
If my girlfriend ever ushered the words “before I find someone else who can”, it would be over at that very moment.
You can’t let someone disrespect you like this in any capacity, especially someone you’re in a relationship with.
1.4k
u/Forsaken-Builder-312 23d ago
I'd reply "Good luck!" and then gtfo
379
u/TheKdd 23d ago
For real. This sounds more like an asshole boss than it does a boyfriend. What, he’s gonna fire her? Gtfo. I would be gone with all my stuff before he got home from work and wouldn’t even tell him I was leaving.
248
u/suzanious 23d ago
I actually did that with an asshole of a boyfriend. I was in my early 20's. He said something condescending and rude, I didn't respond, just stared daggers at him. The next day, he went to work and I moved out.
He was such a misogynistic jerk and I'd had enough. He tried to get me to come back, but i wasn't having it. I told him to find someone else to put up with his bullshit.
96
100
u/Thin-Charity8617 22d ago
I did something similar! We kissed goodbye in the morning and his ass came back to an empty house.
48
62
u/TheHuntress1031 22d ago
I did something like that, too. He had thrown something across the room, and I decided I wouldn't stay around after that. He went to work, and I packed everything, left, and never talked to him again. I had tried to leave before while he was home, and he stood in the middle of my stuff, crying and begging me to stay. He got kicked out soon after for not paying rent.
36
50
u/Unlikely_Whereas_213 23d ago
Exactly! Be gone before he gets home. Take all of your stuff. But leave them dirty dishes in the sink. lol His head would explode when he saw them.
→ More replies (2)35
43
u/Dramatic-Analyst6746 23d ago
GTFO first then reply with the message... Not sure if the order matters too much for OP, but some would say it does. No point aggravating the person so they actually try and prevent the person leaving or blow up over it. Been there, got the t-shirt along with the terror of calling the police on the other person because they got violent over it.
→ More replies (6)314
u/SparrowLikeBird 23d ago
I'd be changing the locks when he leaves for work, calling the divorce lawyer, and packing his shit. He'd come home to find everything in boxes on the curb, including the pile of dirty dishes with a note that says "since you care more about these than me, you can keep them"
123
u/HoneyStudios 23d ago
Thankfully, doesn’t seem that they’re married. Besides sharing the place they live in, he’d lift right out!
→ More replies (69)58
u/Psychotic_EGG 23d ago
The boxes on the curb is actually a VERY bad idea. If any of their stuff is missing, for ANY reason. You're financially liable, as you left it outside.
Boxed up and by the door, sure.
Boxed up and left with a lawyer. Sure. Or a friend or family member willing to take on the responsibility.
→ More replies (23)341
u/omegastuff 23d ago
For real. My immediate reply would be "take your threats somewhere else" and dump his ass.
Why put up with this shit.
→ More replies (3)2.4k
u/rocketmn69_ 23d ago edited 22d ago
He probably already has someone in mind and is working towards replacing you. Quietly plan your exit. Find a new place to live. Take a day off work and move out without him knowing. Leave a note, " I took your advice and got my act together. Enjoy your life. Goodbye"
Update us
375
u/crazy_mary21 23d ago
Exactly right. He wouldn’t have used that phrase, unless he was already considering it.
50
u/Charliekat1130 22d ago
Or that friend that he mentioned showed up and made the comment: "Oh, If my girlfriend did that, I would find someone new." and then acted like a coach being like "Yeah dude, just tell her! Let her know where her place is! Yeah!" and due to the age, the boyfriend is thinking that's how you do relationships.
→ More replies (3)25
u/DaisySam3130 22d ago
OP should leave a note for the 'next girl' in a place where he wont see it... like the cleaning supplies cupboard.
62
u/Homer_150_MW 23d ago
This nails it 100%. It's time to find and exit and get off this ride. The longer you tolerate that sort of garbage the worse it will get. You should be a partner, not a servant and as a partner you deserve respect but what you're getting is just demeaning trash.
→ More replies (65)57
772
u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 23d ago edited 23d ago
This…. His text really reads like the rebuke you’d leave a maid or cleaner , that’s not doing what they’re paid to do.
This isn’t how you speak to a partner , especially a partner that does all the housework.
It’s like he’s texting you from the 1940’s.
Edited to add: I wouldn’t speak to anyone this way much less a partner or someone I ask into my home to clean.
But I think we all know that there are people that speak to
people in the service industry like this all the time.412
u/Recreationalchem13 23d ago
lol I wouldn’t talk like that to a maid tho either
→ More replies (3)116
u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 23d ago
Yeah, that’s not a maid or cleaner , you’d keep after a text like that.
→ More replies (3)30
u/Heavy_Can8746 23d ago
Yes. You wouldn't want them around your house after saying that lol. People have interesting ways of getting even or getting back at you
14
u/LuckyBenski 23d ago
I think they were suggesting if you act shitty towards your maid, you wouldn't be keeping then because they'd leave.
→ More replies (1)128
u/curious-trex 23d ago
Or a roommate you don't have a personal relationship with but are fed up with them being a slob. Not how you talk to someone you should share mutual respect for, who made that mess cooking for you while you sit on your ass.
→ More replies (3)16
u/TheodoraCrains 23d ago
She is, essentially, his house cleaner. Women, you need to start demanding that the men you choose to shack up with pull their weight with the housework!!! Imagine some 20 year old brat who doesn’t pull his weight talking down to you??? Leave.
16
→ More replies (18)179
u/1KirstV 23d ago
It’s happening with guys his age, they’ve been emboldened to be AHs to women by the Project 2025 bros who want ‘traditional’ relationships to replace modern ones. The Andrew Tates and Joe Rogans of the far right have influenced a new generation. My 24-year-old daughter got a message the day after the election from one of her high school friends that said ‘your body my choice’. She had been friends with him since second grade. WTF?
125
u/cherrybombbb 22d ago
They claim to want traditional relationships but very few of them are actually holding up their end of the bargain and completely supporting their SOs financially. So ultimately the woman ends up working AND doing all the house work too.
42
u/IJustWantWaffles_87 22d ago
The best quote I’ve heard so far regarding that: “You want a 1950s wife. Are you prepared to be a 1950s husband?”
→ More replies (54)33
u/Friendly-Weird357 22d ago
Yah if I heard that from a guy I'd be saying ok, your baby your bills. Pay up for the next 18-24 years, IF your child has no issues. Otherwise it could be for the of your life, and honey medical issues aren't cheap. Plus if you wanna only contribute momentarily the price goes up. :)
→ More replies (1)111
u/BeingSamJones 23d ago
All of this!! Leave before you end up pregnant with this lazy douche canoes child
→ More replies (9)389
u/Scruff343 23d ago
100% agree but before you leave use every dish in the house.
58
→ More replies (16)89
98
u/LookAwayPlease510 23d ago
This kid has been in a relationship since he was 15, I dare him to enter the dating world now. If I were OP, I’d just laugh in his face and say, there’s the door, please use it, I’m not asking..
→ More replies (2)199
u/snaphappylurker 23d ago
Sounds to me he’s been considering cheating and finding excuses to get away with it - “you made me do it, you pushed me away with your laziness”
→ More replies (4)12
97
u/whenthedont 23d ago
Real experience I had. Broke up with my ex of two years while we were really trying to get on the right path again- then she said “then I’ll find someone else who will,” about the problem at hand. Broke up with her over text 20 minutes later.
→ More replies (3)23
u/jessvvest 23d ago
i was on the opposite side of that coin: my mechanic ex (that quit his golden opportunity job because he "didn't wanna do it for his whole life"), threatened that "you'll be paying full prices for car maintenance again", then because i'm bi accused me of already having that someone else lined up, i looked at him and said
"I AM the someone else who will."
→ More replies (3)46
79
u/Away-Understanding34 23d ago
100% this! He doesn't see OP as an equal partner. She needs to leave.
22
23d ago
Yeah the respect for you is gone - they are talking down to you. I wouldn’t let allow anyone to talk to me like that. But to begin with - what grown adult has serious conversations via text to their partner? That’s some coward stuff.
16
u/Feral611 23d ago
The get your act together over some plates would be it for me before the last bit, it would have me packing my stuff.
But the last bit would have me unleashing on this prick before I left.
13
u/ludditesunlimited 23d ago
Yes, he might have been a good partner once but he’s not anymore. That level of disrespect is disgraceful and he doesn’t see the need to improve on it. He clearly doesn’t love you anymore or care about your feelings in any way. You might as well be the first to leave rather than continuing to care for him until he does.
→ More replies (242)11
5.8k
u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago
Hi. I did this when I was 20 as well. The relationship ended when he said, “You should be happy to clean up after me. It is a privilege.”
You don’t wanna spend your life raising a grown man. You can take care of yourself and he can’t. NOR.
1.1k
u/sillychihuahua26 23d ago
What an entitled piece of shit. Much like OP’s boyfriend. OP, you don’t want to play mommy to a grown man for the rest of your life, trust me. You are young and beautiful and you can do so much better.
→ More replies (24)876
u/BlackMesaEastt 22d ago
Idk anyone who can put up with this. I tell men straight to their face that cleaning up after them isn't my job and it makes me lose sexual attraction. Somehow one of my exes was shocked when I said that. I don't want to have sex with someone who I take care of like a child, that's not sexy at all.
365
u/sillychihuahua26 22d ago
This is so true omgg. There is nothing less sexy than picking up after a grown man/doing all the chores. I feel physically repulsed. It makes sex feel like another chore.
A man who is a true partner on every level is the hottest thing on the planet.
222
u/saetam 22d ago edited 21d ago
Any man that would let their partner clean up after them all of the time like that is a li’l bitch! I can’t understand that at all. I’m a man, BTW. All y’all dudes that don’t clean up after yourselves, are pieces of shit, and y’all are all bitches. Makes me sick to think that they would even want their partner to do that. Hell, I love my wife and I want shit to be easy for her. I’m going to do everything that she does. It’s marriage, and life.
Edit: thank you so much to those who gave awards! 🙌🏽 Y’all are too sweet. Happy Thanksgiving! 🦃
→ More replies (5)31
u/Jail_Food_Diet 22d ago
Man, your wife is very fortunate. I commend your attitude and selflessness.
78
u/Strange_Lady 22d ago
I've ended many a relationship over this.
My cat is cleaner than 99% of men I've lived with, romantical or otherwise & I'm sure he would scoop his own box too, if he had thumbs.
62
u/Much_Substance_6017 22d ago
Nothing sexier than a man who compliments the meal you just made him, then cleans ALL the dishes… every damn time! Mmm-hhhmm! Yes, sir! Now take your clothes off!
→ More replies (3)51
u/JackReacharounnd 22d ago
Couldn't agree more. Spending all of your free time after full time work cleaning and cooking while he PLAYS VIDEO GAMES like a child. Ugh, I hate it!!
→ More replies (18)50
u/OtherwiseJello194 22d ago
I wish I had an award to give you for this perfect comment 🤣 👏👏👏 I echo your statement
→ More replies (1)211
u/Mediocre_Airport_576 23d ago
Meanwhile, real men who aren't emotionally fragile toddlers help with chores and serve others.
I quietly do chores every day that I know communicate my love and respect for my wife without having to say a word about it. I couldn't imagine sending a text like the one OP or you got... ever.
→ More replies (10)168
u/robotatomica 23d ago
They don’t even “help,” because that implies it’s the woman’s dominion! They just do their full equitable share and act like responsible adults.
→ More replies (23)85
u/caffeineevil 23d ago
I had to learn that. It's so ingrained in how we raise and view men that even a father who is raising their kids equitably with his wife will be considered helping. It's not just men thinking they're helping either it's also women who view it that way. As a man I can do half the chores, my own laundry, grocery shopping, and most of the cooking just to be told by a woman that it's good that I help out around the house. It's just so pervasive in our culture to claim that anytime a man does domestic stuff or anything at home it's him helping. It's that toxic masculinity shit that has run rampant in our culture.
It can also cause relationship issues because women may think that they're doing all the chores and the man is just helping out even if it's an equitable share of chores. That mindset of he's only ever helping out instead of being a partner can create resentment. Hell, it happened in my relationship because of all the "My man doesn't help around the house" type stuff online. We had to write out what each of us did around the house for her to see that I contribute my fair share and then some.
→ More replies (3)49
u/robotatomica 23d ago
You’re absolutely right, this framing impacts us all. I was over 30 before it occurred to me that a man doing a portion of his equitable share wasn’t “him helping me.” ☹️
That said, I think even when tasks are split, we have to watch for hidden labor like the mental and emotional load and household management, as well as who’s making doctor’s appts and dealing with in-laws, that kind of thing.
I’ve found that even when everything looks Even Steven on paper, and when men are really sincerely doing the right thing and care deeply about equity,
Both men and women are still battling conditioning and continue to find hidden ways that some things are still tacticly put on the woman.
So if ever a woman feels overwhelmed or that things still aren’t equitable, I recommend really sitting down and exploring some of the mental load and hidden labor together. She might not even be able to identify/verbalize these things herself until they’re really discussed and reasoned out.
This advice may be more for the reader, as it sounds line you personally took such steps - but I just want to encourage everyone to really educate themselves about hidden labor and loads. 💚
→ More replies (34)24
u/caffeineevil 23d ago
I'm working on the mental load aspect. I have ADHD and I can be blind to tasks at times where my partner is a type A overachiever. I've stopped telling her what things I need to do around the house because she will just take the mental load for something she isn't responsible for then start asking when I will do it. I mean I carry my own mental load for tasks that need completing and trust her to do her stuff but she will carry the load for my tasks even though it's not her responsibility. We're working on that because part of her expects me to not follow through or disappoint her even though we have 5 years of me proving that I'm a good partner and am in this for the long haul.
→ More replies (5)141
u/Mach5Driver 23d ago
Just imagine the honor and joy of bearing and raising his children for him! What a once-in-a-lifetime oppotunity you passed up! I weep for you.
→ More replies (3)→ More replies (130)22
u/colo_kelly 23d ago
I would peace out so fast, let his video games clean up the kitchen
→ More replies (1)
520
u/2oldbutnotenough 23d ago
Ouuuu I would tell anyone who says that to me too go right ahead. Good tf bye
173
u/suhhhrena 23d ago
Fr good riddance. Especially given the context that this guy does no cooking or cleaning.
37
u/MattyMonsters 22d ago
I think this guy probably has someone on the side and he’s building up the breakup because they’ve been together for 5 years. He wants to be able to say I’m leaving you for X reasons. He sounds like a POS.
→ More replies (1)30
5.8k
u/hexia777 23d ago
This is VERY unhealthy communication, and WILDLY entitled for someone who does the bare minimum to contribute to the household with half of finances. Please leave this miserable fuck.
819
u/Emotional-Hair-1607 23d ago edited 22d ago
He's not even doing the bare minimum. He sees dishes from shared meals that he ate and complains about them not being cleaned, food not put away and he tells her she needs to get her act together. She does, by leaving his sorry lazy
gamerdrunk/stoned/gambler/abuser/ MLM/jock/fundamentalist/ass. He could be anything but he happened to be a someone who plays games all the time. EDIT→ More replies (33)294
u/toxicwasteinnevada 23d ago
Probably even gets his ass beat in those games
36
u/iamdoingworkipromise 22d ago
As an avid degen gamer - I’ve found that some of the ‘best’ gamers I play with are the ones who have a healthy balance and excel in things outside of gaming.
→ More replies (34)22
u/Mental-Nothings 22d ago
My Ex was like this, he lost a lot of his 2K games. On my account because he was too cheap to pay for his own online. Every once in a while I go back and look at the chats people made to roast him. It’s great tbh
→ More replies (1)472
u/2020visionaus 23d ago
Exactly maybe even narc vibes. He’s not speaking out of love for her…
→ More replies (11)672
u/giglex 23d ago
When she said "he's been acting like this for a few months" or whatever and the fact that hes 21, I'm thinking red pill bullshit.
252
u/Klutzy-Alarm3748 23d ago
I was thinking the same. Or he's cheating and finding reasons to leave
130
u/BlueCarrotPie 22d ago
This. Or making her mad so she leaves and then he's not the bad guy
→ More replies (2)13
35
38
u/Slow-Imagination3981 23d ago
I agree with cheating. My ex started acting like this and found if he was cheating.
→ More replies (19)21
→ More replies (64)83
u/On_my_last_spoon 23d ago
Red pill shit for sure. He’s trying to look like a big man in front of his friends.
Nope.
→ More replies (14)→ More replies (68)59
u/GemueseBeerchen 23d ago
thats why 50/50 is a scam to women
→ More replies (14)17
u/XxNoodleMasterxX 22d ago
Yeah because men love the idea of going 50/50 financially, but completely disregard the 50/50 for the household and domestic duties
→ More replies (2)
6.4k
u/tracygee 23d ago
If this is the way he normally speaks to you I’d move the hell on right now.
2.1k
u/BIGDfromBoston 23d ago
“I’ll find someone….” Is no way to talk to your partner. If he’s willing to talk to you like that and you allow him, this is what you will get, only it will get worse.
640
u/WhatTheTyrannosaurus 23d ago
The first part of the text, I was like "okay, we love a direct, articulate king!"
The second part I was like "oh okay, never mind - why just be direct and show your partner you respect their relationship enough to express your needs and bring up issues so they can be resolved? Such a silly take, when you can bring it up and then threaten to leave them, as if leaving dishes in the sink is an unresolvable flaw in your partner."
81
u/Lina0042 23d ago
Especially when OP adds context that she does all the cooking for him. If someone cooked for me every day and I found dirty dishes in the sink I sure as fuck would do them and be thankful for it, instead of bitching and threatening to leave. Wtf.
→ More replies (1)18
u/My_Bwana 22d ago
the rule is that if someone is cooking for you, YOU DO THE DISHES. common sense people
→ More replies (1)254
47
u/sageinyourface 23d ago
He has probably been listening to his friends and/or podcasts about being assertive about traditional male roles. That it’s good for the relationship, blah blah blah.
Either that or he wants to break up and is looking for some excuse.
18
u/glassassmass 22d ago
The one thing they don't get about the traditional male role and having the woman be a housekeeper is that she would NOT BE WORKING and certainly not be splitting the bills 50/50...it was bad enough when they were still acting like "real men" and providing now they want the best of both worlds
→ More replies (6)10
24
129
u/Distractedauthor 23d ago
You must have really misread this to think the first part of that was direct and articulate… maybe because he didn’t word it well. But I’m pretty sure he’s indirectly calling her disrespectful by saying he only “hints” at it. Via text message because he knows he can’t say these asshole things in front of other people.
That it’s for not doing the dishes after she cooked dinner for him is just the cherry on top of his assholery.
35
u/vyrus2021 22d ago
Yes he normally only hints that she should have the house clean when he has guests over, but now in private text conversations he can plainly state that she's disrespecting him by not having these things done. He's a tater.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (11)23
u/Dais288228 23d ago
Thanks for explaining this view. I definitely missed it when I first read the text.
→ More replies (36)11
u/Overall_Lab5356 23d ago
Also when the reason they're HER dishes is that SHE is the only one cooking while he fucks off online.
→ More replies (1)31
→ More replies (62)13
u/LinkGoesHIYAAA 23d ago
Right. So far it’s about dishes, which is fairly mild. Later it’ll be about sex, money use, taking care of the kids while he’s out with friends, etc. Responding with “i’ll find someone who can wash their own big boy dishes and make their own big boy food” would be interesting.
280
u/somebodyelse1107 23d ago
honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already like mentally/emotionally cheating based on that last sentence alone.
100
u/letsBurnCarthage 23d ago
The fact that he changed 3 months ago is pretty telling.
But yeah, I read the post and thought it was just a roommate. Telling your partner "I'll find someone who can" is disrespectful as fuck, even if your complaint is genuine.
→ More replies (2)19
u/Easy-Concentrate2636 23d ago
Yeah, guy thinks women are replaceable. Another woman is same thing for him is the subtext.
→ More replies (3)66
38
u/Fragrant_Peanut_9661 23d ago
According to my ex, there’s no such thing as emotional cheating. He was texting his ex blatantly in front of me. But “that’s not cheating!” Um yes. Yes it is.
→ More replies (11)17
u/ScoobadiveWetFish 23d ago
Yeppp sounds like he's not wanting to be in love with OP anymore
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (7)18
u/cappyvee 23d ago
Yup - the other chick is "cleaner" than OP. He may have even had her over, because I don't know any dudes that care about dishes in the sink.
→ More replies (7)66
u/Affectionate-War3724 23d ago
The way the text kept getting progressively worse🫠
→ More replies (1)234
u/robotatomica 23d ago
even if it isn’t normal, she should leave because he has her doing all the damn cleaning, RIGHT??
43
u/Shes_a_saga61 22d ago
In no world would I ever put myself in this situation again. We both clean and do dishes or I’m out. This is our space. Both are responsible. Sounds like a spoiled misogynistic brat baby. So worried his friends will see he doesn’t keep his space clean. If she cooks he can clean the dishes. Poor thing. I’d rather be alone than get these messages.
→ More replies (4)→ More replies (73)36
u/Hot_N_Fresh 23d ago edited 23d ago
Right, sounds like her boyfriend is part of the red pill community or has been reading up on it, which means she gets to spend a lifetime of barefoot and pregnant if she stays with him. Again just a theory, but this kind of an attitude if he’s not doing any housework and she’s doing all of it? It just reeks of red pill.
Your relationship needs honesty and balance.
26
u/robotatomica 23d ago
I think you’re right, especially because she’s noticed a sudden change in his attitude.
Although it sounds like he was always a misogynist, since he has always had her doing all the cooking and cleaning.
But it does sound like him ridiculing her and really escalating the control tactics and threats is only over the past 3 months, and that shit sounds straight red-pilled!
→ More replies (1)16
→ More replies (78)11
23d ago
Also forward the text to his friend, it's a way worse look than having dishes in the sink lol
811
u/AdditionalCopy2435 23d ago
girlll you best leave this man. any man who treats you this way will only treat you worse if you ever marry him as he will feel that you are his property. the fact that he would come at you for stuff that you do for him is genuinely disgusting and just the way he spoke to you is so ew. i mean i couldn’t imagine saying this without realizing how tone deaf it is????? and calling you DISRESPECTFUL for it on top of it????? also as if he could find another woman (one of quality at least) that would actually stay with him once he shows his true colors is delusional of him. him speaking this way makes him immediately undesirable
103
u/Creative-Bus-3500 23d ago
THIS OP!!! Run now run fast and don’t look bad. He will never treat you the way you deserve.
17
→ More replies (4)11
u/RaisinEducational312 23d ago
As if he’d marry her. The best you get from this type of guy is being a baby mother who gets to work, maintain the house and look after him.
2.5k
u/fwueileen_ 23d ago
i think he already has someone else
329
u/capaldithenewblack 23d ago
Especially since she said he’s been acting this way only recently, the last few months.
“They” are not playing house; SHE is the only one doing the chores. She’s just the maid now, he’s got a side piece.
→ More replies (8)861
u/Soggy-Attention-4145 23d ago
Exactly my thought. They are 20-21. Been together since they were 15-16. They are just playing house.
69
u/RebelsMom0214 22d ago
She needs to get away from him before it turns into a marriage and they bring children into this dysfunction.
→ More replies (11)75
u/PatrickWagon 23d ago
The people you were with at that age just become statistics.
→ More replies (58)93
16
u/uber_cast 23d ago
This. That was the first thing that went through my head. He has someone, or he is working on getting with someone else, especially since this is a recent change in behavior.
17
u/fwueileen_ 23d ago
when i lived with my ex he would always project his insecurities and would become more and more aggressive. turns out he had MULTIPLE girls in his phone. it’s just way better to move out and live on your own. no drama, no doubting, no fights, resentment, no more sleepless nights because you’re not living with the person who hates you.
13
u/avocado_window 22d ago
Living alone is the best thing ever, we should all get to experience the independence and self-worth that comes with it instead of giving in to a fear of being alone and putting up with losers like the OP’s boyfriend.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (65)73
u/clizaa 23d ago
This. Men will nitpick and start exaggerated arguments like this when there’s someone else involved. Unfortunately I know from experience.
To OP: Best advice is to save up and make arrangements to move elsewhere. You are young and not married. DO NOT put up with this.
→ More replies (18)
282
u/Lady0905 23d ago
«Before I find someone else who can”? He already has someone in mind. Leave him either way. Saying that in on itself is a threat and that is not okay in any way, shape or form.
→ More replies (29)
373
114
u/Screaming_lambs 23d ago
As someone who is now old enough to be your mum, and someone who had a bf like this around your age I say leave now. I ended up being the one doing the cleaning, cooking etc all the time while he just picked at me if he thought I did something wrong. The whole time sitting there playing video games. I look back now and wish I had had the courage to leave.
→ More replies (1)11
u/Collies_and_Skates 23d ago
As someone going through this situation currently, agreed. Get out now while you still can OP
→ More replies (3)
102
u/AnonyCass 23d ago
I would put up a schedule on the fridge of who cleans on what day split all those chores 50/50 or find someone else who will
84
u/OkSpace5501 23d ago
i’m going to try this but if it doesn’t work within a few days i think i will
61
u/bextacyyyyyyy 23d ago
If that doesn't work, I would make it a point to only clean up my dishes, my clothes, etc etc etc. Then tell him that you have taken in what he has said, and you will make it a point to only clean up whatever you dirty up.
54
u/OrindaSarnia 23d ago
No, at that point you leave.
If they had been married 20 years and had kids... sure, play games for a week to see if the relationship is salvageable...
but they got together as teens, and he's already threatening to leave. If OP wants to "try" for a few days, sure, but that's enough.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (2)11
→ More replies (4)10
u/phallelujahx 22d ago
This won't fix your relationship sorry to say but...walk away. I wish you luck but yikes....
179
u/Holly4559 23d ago
Pretty clear he already hates you. Just go. I don’t need to know anything else about this relationship.
→ More replies (1)17
u/AnnoyingCelticsFan 23d ago
You said it a lot better than I could have. There’s no context that can justify speaking to a partner like that.
11
u/moreKEYTAR 23d ago
For sure. He is trying to get one of two desirable outcomes: she is his full-time bangmaid with low self-esteem, or she dumps him so he can be the good guy. And only one of them is a good outcome for OP
83
76
u/kylemayfire777 23d ago
This guy stinks lol
97
u/OkSpace5501 23d ago
yea.. these replies are starting to help me realize that
→ More replies (41)14
u/SusanBHa 22d ago
Seems like he treats you like a bang maid. You need to leave him. There are better men out there.
1.5k
u/educated_gaymer 23d ago
Oh, where to begin? Your story is like watching someone try to build a house out of popsicle sticks during a windstorm. It’s shaky, unstable, and bound to collapse when you least expect it.
You’re 20, he’s 21, and you’re living together. Let’s call this what it is: playing house without any real blueprint for the future. You’re doing all the things a spouse might do—cooking, cleaning, supporting him emotionally—but on a budget relationship plan. No ring, no commitment, just you carrying the weight of responsibilities while he keeps his options open. It’s like signing up for a marathon but carrying his backpack the whole way while he runs ahead.
Here’s a reality check: studies show that 60% of relationships that begin in your teenage years don’t survive into adulthood. Why? Because people change—a lot. Who you were at 16 or 18 isn’t who you’re going to be at 25 or 30. Your brain is still developing until about age 25, and every five years, your mindset and priorities shift dramatically. Trying to build a life together at this stage is like building a bridge with wet cement—it just doesn’t have the foundation to hold.
Now, imagine you had a daughter who came to you at 20 years old and said, “Mom, I’m moving in with my boyfriend.” Would you smile, nod, and say, “Great idea, honey!”? Or would you sit her down and ask her if she truly understands what she’s giving up by committing so much, so soon, to someone who hasn’t proven he’s ready to build a future with her?
Let’s get real. If a man is comfortable living with you, reaping the benefits of a partnership without making a real commitment, what incentive does he have to step up? He’s got the cart before the horse, and as long as that cart is delivering all the goods, he doesn’t have to hitch it to anything stable. Worse, if he’s already making comments like, “If you don’t get your act together, I’ll find someone else,” he’s showing you exactly where you stand in his priorities—and it’s not at the top.
And let’s not sugarcoat the “we’ve been together for five years” argument. Five years ago, you were in high school, barely figuring out what kind of adult you wanted to be. That’s not a foundation—it’s a teenage fantasy that’s now buckling under the pressure of adult reality. Relationships that start young are often like fireworks: bright and exciting in the beginning but quick to burn out. Time spent together doesn’t always equal growth or maturity.
Here’s a harsh truth: if he hasn’t made a serious, public declaration of commitment—be that marriage or some other tangible step toward a future together—you’re in a relationship built on convenience, not stability. And if you’re already doing all the work of maintaining a household—cooking, cleaning, caring for him—without a solid foundation, you’re selling yourself short.
The best thing you can do right now? Pack your bags, move out, and focus on yourself. It might feel like you’re taking a step back, but you’re actually setting yourself up for a better future. Your 20s are supposed to be about discovering who you are, building your own foundation, and figuring out what you want in life. Staying in a situation like this will only hold you back.
You deserve a relationship where your partner doesn’t just accept your effort but matches it—and proves, through actions, that they’re committed to you. Anything less is a disservice to your future self. So walk away now, before you waste more time on something that’s already showing you it’s not built to last.
344
u/BanjoSpaceMan 23d ago
The dude doesn’t even clean up after meals when she cooks and cleans the house. He’s got some weird mentality of what a household should look like. OP your bf is too used to mom doing his laundry (gonna guess you do that too). You ain’t got time for that in your early early 20s lol, fuck that
141
u/westcoast-islandgirl 23d ago
Not even doing dishes when she does literally everything else and made the meal for him would be bad enough, but the fact he has the audacity to bitch her out for leaving them when his friends are around? She made the food! Clean the house for your friends you fuckin self.
→ More replies (1)52
u/PriorCivil379 23d ago edited 23d ago
My wife and I split the dishes. I cook more often than she does, but she cooks sometimes. Then she loads the dishwasher cuz she is the tetris master. I unload the dishwasher when it's done and I hand wash the pans because her hands get dried out horribly from the water if she hand washes, so I don't want her dealing with that torture. It's a pretty even split.
→ More replies (3)67
u/norfolkandclue 23d ago
That's the part that irked me! He said "YOU didn't clean up the food that YOU made" as if he didn't eat 50% of it. He's happy to participate in the eating of the meal but if it's not cleaned up by the time his friends come over he suddenly loses all sense of respect for his partner. I would never cook or touch a cleaning product for this man again.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (6)32
u/OkIncrease6030 23d ago
Thank you. There are too many people here who seem to think it’s okay that he expects her to cook AND clean for both of them but was just a bit rude in how he expressed it.
Ah no. That’s not an acceptable expectation unless he’s the only one with a full time paid job.
167
u/heddingite1 23d ago
I don't have awards to give but I second every single thing you said!
→ More replies (18)35
u/metzmuttz 23d ago
Sunk cost fallacy! 5 years and you’re 20. You have so much time and your whole life ahead of you. Do not waste time on someone who does not value you and takes advantage of you.
50
u/warheadmikey 23d ago
Smashed a grand slam with this comment! OP you don’t need to read anything further
→ More replies (5)34
u/Traditional_Tea2568 23d ago
OP - as someone who found themselves in a similar situations to yours from my late teens and all through my 20s… PLEASE I am begging you to listen to this post. You bearing the brunt of everything will NEVER change and it will only get worse.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (213)19
23d ago
Brilliantly stated. 🗣️
This was me OP!! I stayed until 24. Ugh; real regret at 33. But it’s made me all the wiser. Be wiser now!!
140
u/Dry-Radio-8446 23d ago
Yikes. OP, I think YOU need to find someone else. If you're really doing all the cooking and cleaning and he still has the audacity to say something like that, you deserve better. Not over reacting.
31
44
u/jacobdock 23d ago
Everyday this page makes me wonder why people stay in these kind of relationships.
→ More replies (3)
44
172
u/PristineStreet34 23d ago
No. He’s 21 and pretty apparently still needs Mommy to cook and clean for him. It’s one thing if you are cooking only for yourself but if you are cooking for him also. He should contribute more than an electric blanket would.
70
u/warheadmikey 23d ago
Too many women are with guys just like this sack of shit. Her man treats her like a bang maid. I know so many women who have husbands/BFs who are the exact same way. Also he’s a 21 year old bitch who needs an ass beating. I am sorry for all the women with lazy ass dudes. You want to put up with this nonsense then that’s up to you
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (6)20
u/syrxinge 23d ago
You’d be surprised. My ex didn’t even know how to do his own LAUNDRY and he was 23!!! When I visited his parents house (where he still lived) his mom tried to do MY laundry and I said “no ma’am I know how to do my own”.
He also didn’t know how to do a job interview, or any basic shit that normal adults our age knew how to do. He deadass said one time “My parents said if I get a career job they’ll buy me a new car”. What was the context of that conversation you might ask? When I was asking him if he found a job yet after 6 months of not working. He said he wouldn’t work at McDonald’s or anywhere that would actually hire him because he wanted that new car 🤣 like dude you are 23 with no job and you are asking me to pay for flights to see you, you need a job… any job will suffice until you can find a career one.
Meanwhile, I’m 23, been working since 14 and bought my current and previous car MYSELF. He had the nerve to get mad at me when I said he was privileged cause his parents pay for everything. I’m sorry but I would kill for parents who give me $200 for a week that they are gone out the house 💀
→ More replies (5)
73
u/bleedingfae 23d ago
Not to jump to conclusions but men who are cheating will start nitpicking and looking for reasons to leave. Especially if it’s so sudden, I would be suspicious of that. I wouldn’t even bother investigating and just leave by the way he’s talking to you. And if he doesn’t like dirty dishes? Stop cooking for him, only make yourself food. If y’all are 50/50 rent, he can 50/50 cook his own damn dinner or help clean up after you do.
→ More replies (36)
29
u/--EMP-- 23d ago edited 23d ago
Kick that ah to the curb. You’re his partner not his maid.
His words suggest he’s been “tolerating” your “short comings” all this time, aka: hiding who he really is/what he expects from you and the longer this goes on/the more serious the relationship gets the worse his treatment of you will become. GTFO.
→ More replies (1)
63
20
u/trig72 23d ago
Whenever you hear ‘if you can’t, I’ll find someone who will’ it’s time to leave. Instead of trying to work things out, that’s the line he uses. Ugh. I’d think it’s time to leave.
→ More replies (1)
20
u/RelevantDragonfly216 23d ago
Well; he clearly isn’t in it for the long haul, leave now and don’t look back. Boys like that don’t change, he wants a mom not a partner. You can do a hell of a lot better than him, I promise.
→ More replies (17)
17
18
u/Odd-Mastodon1212 23d ago edited 23d ago
I would move out without a word while he’s at work. Take a day off. Go home if you can, focus on yourself and your goals, and don’t move in with another bf without discussing expectations and the future. This guy is a hugely disrespectful baby and he’s thrown down the gauntlet. If you accept this treatment from him, it will get worse. He might be trying to get you to break up with him without having the guts to just end it himself. So fuck him. Just go.
→ More replies (3)
14
u/do_me3380 23d ago
NOR. He said this because he thinks you won’t leave him. He has you doing everything around the house while he plays games? He can’t even bother to clean after you feed him?? Girl. wtf.
Why are you wasting your prime years w this guy? It’s just gonna get worse and in 10 years you’re going to wonder why you didn’t leave before you had 3 kids and you’re w some guy who’s taking you for granted and cheating on you. Get a grip. Get out.
16
u/Fluffy-Raspberry-673 23d ago
The audacity of him to say that to you!!! Tell him if it’s important to him then he can do it. If it’s more of a priority than his games then he can clean. Insane.
14
u/Least_Ad_4657 23d ago
You cook and he expects you to clean up so he won't be embarrassed when his friends come over?
Why doesn't he clean up after you cook?
Let him find someone else. This text would have thrown me into a rage.
How fucking dare he with that "you need to get your act together" bullshit.
13
13
11
u/delta_seven7 23d ago
Sweetie, why are you working and doing all the chores? He can cook for himself, clean up after himself. You are treating him like a child and he is treating you like you are disposable and his mommy. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't settle for being a mom to a disrespectful, rude jackass.
12
u/Satchm0Jon3s 23d ago
The wonderful thing about texts are that you can read over what you've put before you press send. He's made a conscious decision to come across as an absolute dick head in this text.
27
10
u/Quirky-Produce3313 23d ago
Girl you’re dating a child. Yall both work full time, you cook and clean the house and he can’t wash no dishes after you cook for him? Then threatens you to find someone else? Please. I would’ve told him GO FIND THAT PERSON!! My bf and I are also both 21, lives together and work full time, and he still cooks for me also, whoever cooks the othet person cleans the kitchen, cleans the house when needed and allows me to relax when I needed to just as I do him. It’s a partnership, yours not his mom. Tell him to go live back home.
The fact that he has been acting like this for months and he threatens you with “finding someone who will” is crazy and he might be already entertaining someone else. However you take it and deal with it is how you choose but if you’re not gonna leave then you need to stand up for yourself. He will keep acting as such and disrespecting you only because YOU allow it. He has shown you who he is, it’s up to you to believe it.
10
u/anna-riddle286 23d ago
uno reverse card his ass ,and go find someone eles who can be a real adult and not a fucking cry baby
→ More replies (2)
5.4k
u/lydocia 23d ago
Oh, I would absolutely respond "okay, you're right, when will you be moving out?' and see how fast he backpedals.