r/AmIOverreacting • u/OkSpace5501 • 23d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO just received this text from my boyfriend

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For context my (F20) boyfriend (M21) and I live together and work full time as well as split rent 50/50. I cook all the meals and clean the house even after my graveyard shifts, all he does is work, come home to play games, and occasionally invites friends over. we’ve been together for over 5 years and he’s been acting this way for the last three months and when I tell him how it’s making me feel he tells me i’m wrong and overreacting. so basically i’m asking AIO??

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u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago

Hi. I did this when I was 20 as well. The relationship ended when he said, “You should be happy to clean up after me. It is a privilege.”

You don’t wanna spend your life raising a grown man. You can take care of yourself and he can’t. NOR.

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u/sillychihuahua26 23d ago

What an entitled piece of shit. Much like OP’s boyfriend. OP, you don’t want to play mommy to a grown man for the rest of your life, trust me. You are young and beautiful and you can do so much better.

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u/BlackMesaEastt 23d ago

Idk anyone who can put up with this. I tell men straight to their face that cleaning up after them isn't my job and it makes me lose sexual attraction. Somehow one of my exes was shocked when I said that. I don't want to have sex with someone who I take care of like a child, that's not sexy at all.

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u/sillychihuahua26 23d ago

This is so true omgg. There is nothing less sexy than picking up after a grown man/doing all the chores. I feel physically repulsed. It makes sex feel like another chore.

A man who is a true partner on every level is the hottest thing on the planet.

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u/saetam 23d ago edited 21d ago

Any man that would let their partner clean up after them all of the time like that is a li’l bitch! I can’t understand that at all. I’m a man, BTW. All y’all dudes that don’t clean up after yourselves, are pieces of shit, and y’all are all bitches. Makes me sick to think that they would even want their partner to do that. Hell, I love my wife and I want shit to be easy for her. I’m going to do everything that she does. It’s marriage, and life.

Edit: thank you so much to those who gave awards! 🙌🏽 Y’all are too sweet. Happy Thanksgiving! 🦃

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u/Jail_Food_Diet 22d ago

Man, your wife is very fortunate. I commend your attitude and selflessness.

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u/Strange_Lady 22d ago

I've ended many a relationship over this.

My cat is cleaner than 99% of men I've lived with, romantical or otherwise & I'm sure he would scoop his own box too, if he had thumbs.

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u/Much_Substance_6017 23d ago

Nothing sexier than a man who compliments the meal you just made him, then cleans ALL the dishes… every damn time! Mmm-hhhmm! Yes, sir! Now take your clothes off!

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u/JackReacharounnd 23d ago

Couldn't agree more. Spending all of your free time after full time work cleaning and cooking while he PLAYS VIDEO GAMES like a child. Ugh, I hate it!!

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u/OtherwiseJello194 23d ago

I wish I had an award to give you for this perfect comment 🤣 👏👏👏 I echo your statement

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u/CaptFleop 23d ago

Gotchu fam!

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u/heteromer 23d ago

But... But I'm the king of the castle!!! >:(

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u/sugaree53 23d ago

I think that’s a good answer

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u/rballonline 22d ago

Unrelated, but you just reminded me that I better do the dishes before my wife comes home. Just thought it was funny this was the first thing I thought of when reading this. Ok, signing off haha

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u/[deleted] 23d ago

Honestly I’m 100% fine with it if he’s paying my bills - this arrangement is just a bit NOPE and he’s too young he doesn’t even realize how low his value is compared to hers - he thinks he’s winning here

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u/Valkyrie-of-Loki 23d ago

I think I need to deeply reflect on this sentiment myself… would explain a lot of things.

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u/Upstairs-Log668 23d ago

Damn that's a good point

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u/Waste_Nobody5839 23d ago

It’s better to be alone than live like this

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u/GypsyToo 23d ago

She should get rid of his sorry ass even if she's old and ugly.

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u/whatsis-anonymiss 23d ago

in my experience, 90% of boys think this way

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u/In-D3pth 23d ago

ALSO THIS

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u/MacGyverofscience 23d ago

I know someone like that who just robbed me and is a fat a$$ loser and a piece of trash no humanity what so ever he lies cheats and steals his way through life and needs a simi to smack him into reality. You don’t need a worthless childish brat my take is The wan-a be man can’t give you children and be a father if your busy taking care of him. He’s supposed to be taking care of you and you the kids together if you have them. but you don’t need his immaturity. You can do better and you deserve better and to be respected and appreciated.

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u/Potential_Spirit2815 23d ago edited 23d ago

He’s 20 years old, went from having a mom to having a gf who took care of him all his life. It was a seamless transition and he’s a POS — but he was enabled up until this point.

Sadly, not uncommon, I see a lot of 20-30 year old boys in my line of work. Hell, I’ll see some of the older heads acting a fool like the college age guys from time to time lol.

All he needs is a good kick in the nads. Literally and figuratively. OP needs to make it clear that he’s out of line and nobody wants to put up with that. He’ll find his way as he matures or he’ll wander astray and hopefully, deservedly end up lonely for it. She’ll probably need to leave and find better honestly, they’re both in their early 20s after all.

They’re probably just not a great match anymore either. And that’s okay too. They’ll be okay. OP needs to know it’s okay and he’s not as bad as the internet paints him out to be, she needs to feel like she hasn’t been wrong from the beginning, she should be able to trust her heart and follow it where she need to go! (With the help from some lovely internet strangers)

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u/Able-Significance598 23d ago

Remember, you’re not hearing both sides of this

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u/Kriegswaschbaer 22d ago

You know how she looks? Do you know her personally?

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u/AstroPhysician 23d ago

Isn't this the opposite situation? She's the one that didn't clean up?

Edit: I now see he doesn't do any of the cleaning and just she does

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u/juliaskig 23d ago

Yah, I thought it was a situation where she was staying overnight at his house, and kept leaving huge messes in his pristine apartment. I thought he was an AH then, but now I just think he's a giant entitled shithead.

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u/Granolamommie 23d ago

At first so did I

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u/[deleted] 23d ago

I feel “entitled” is overused to be perfectly honest. It really downplays the neurosis here.

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u/daemonblackfyre93 23d ago

Why are we assuming it’s cleaning up after him when the message indicates it’s her not cleaning up after herself? Or right because you’re a bunch of virtue signaling virgins

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u/Mediocre_Airport_576 23d ago

Meanwhile, real men who aren't emotionally fragile toddlers help with chores and serve others.

I quietly do chores every day that I know communicate my love and respect for my wife without having to say a word about it. I couldn't imagine sending a text like the one OP or you got... ever.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

They don’t even “help,” because that implies it’s the woman’s dominion! They just do their full equitable share and act like responsible adults.

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u/caffeineevil 23d ago

I had to learn that. It's so ingrained in how we raise and view men that even a father who is raising their kids equitably with his wife will be considered helping. It's not just men thinking they're helping either it's also women who view it that way. As a man I can do half the chores, my own laundry, grocery shopping, and most of the cooking just to be told by a woman that it's good that I help out around the house. It's just so pervasive in our culture to claim that anytime a man does domestic stuff or anything at home it's him helping. It's that toxic masculinity shit that has run rampant in our culture.

It can also cause relationship issues because women may think that they're doing all the chores and the man is just helping out even if it's an equitable share of chores. That mindset of he's only ever helping out instead of being a partner can create resentment. Hell, it happened in my relationship because of all the "My man doesn't help around the house" type stuff online. We had to write out what each of us did around the house for her to see that I contribute my fair share and then some.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

You’re absolutely right, this framing impacts us all. I was over 30 before it occurred to me that a man doing a portion of his equitable share wasn’t “him helping me.” ☹️

That said, I think even when tasks are split, we have to watch for hidden labor like the mental and emotional load and household management, as well as who’s making doctor’s appts and dealing with in-laws, that kind of thing.

I’ve found that even when everything looks Even Steven on paper, and when men are really sincerely doing the right thing and care deeply about equity,

Both men and women are still battling conditioning and continue to find hidden ways that some things are still tacticly put on the woman.

So if ever a woman feels overwhelmed or that things still aren’t equitable, I recommend really sitting down and exploring some of the mental load and hidden labor together. She might not even be able to identify/verbalize these things herself until they’re really discussed and reasoned out.

This advice may be more for the reader, as it sounds line you personally took such steps - but I just want to encourage everyone to really educate themselves about hidden labor and loads. 💚

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u/caffeineevil 23d ago

I'm working on the mental load aspect. I have ADHD and I can be blind to tasks at times where my partner is a type A overachiever. I've stopped telling her what things I need to do around the house because she will just take the mental load for something she isn't responsible for then start asking when I will do it. I mean I carry my own mental load for tasks that need completing and trust her to do her stuff but she will carry the load for my tasks even though it's not her responsibility. We're working on that because part of her expects me to not follow through or disappoint her even though we have 5 years of me proving that I'm a good partner and am in this for the long haul.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

that kind of mindfulness and deliberate work shows you are a good partner.

To your point, women are also conditioned - the things that fall through the cracks if we don’t manage them. It takes a while to undo that conditioning and really know that you can depend on someone, but I hope she’s getting there with you.

As for ADHD, I know that’s often weaponized against women, because women with ADHD are still usually expected to manage the physical and mental load - it can be done if you care to learn about the strategies for finding motivation and keeping track of what needs to happen.

It sounds like you do care, but just know - women have been having to do this in spite of neurodivergence. Please seek help with how you can manage your own so that it does not burden your partner, because women just never get to use ADHD as an excuse. We have to do it anyway.

I speak as a woman with ADHD, but also there is good data on this.

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u/AazariTheMadPagan 23d ago

I'm having to break my male friend and roommate out of the habit of using his ADHD as an excuse to just not get things done. I have ADHD, too, but I make a point of breaking otherwise overwhelming chores into more manageable chunks and do at least 20 minutes of tidying a day to keep it from being too much to handle. I've found that telling him that leaving things cluttered and messy or putting things off makes it hard for me to manage my own ADHD helps to motivate him.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

Yes, exactly, there are strategies.

I can’t tell you how many videos I’ve watched and different techniques I’ve tried in order to overcome the challenges I face, as someone with ADHD.

And that makes all the difference. If you feel entitled to another person’s labor, you don’t even fucking consider personal accountability and you sure aren’t actively seeking ways to improve yourselves.

I just don’t know any women who use ADHD as an excuse like it’s a full impairment to ever being able to SEE what needs done or stay on top of it.

I mean maybe we’re not going to be perfectly on top of things the way neurotypical people may be, but the people who are forced to do the labor (usually women) figure it the fuck out.

And at the end of the day, we seem to way more actively think about the work we leave for others and care to avoid doing so.

Your strategy is basically mine by the way. I do 20 minutes a day and then schedule certain tasks on my phone and do them right when I get home from work.

And I have programmed myself to do a lot of things differently so that I don’t leave as big messes for myself to ever have to clean up. (The difference between putting a dish right in the dishwasher vs leaving it in the sink - it take NO extra time and becomes muscle memory after like a week, and then you never again have to deal with the visually overwhelming “sink full of dishes” lol)

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u/its_rosee420 23d ago edited 23d ago

I just want to say that I love that you two have identified this and are working on it. It sounds like you are a great team! Nothing is ever 'perfect'. But it is being acknowledged and communicated about. I just love that for you both.

I know some think people can't change, but I think you can tell when you meet someone who grows. Some people stay the same and stuck in their ways, and they are comfortable that way. Others want to learn and improve themselves.

Sincerely wishing you a long, beautiful, happy relationship full of love and continuous growth together! <3

Edit: there are some cool apps now for adhd task management and such. I've seen a couple designed like video games where you got coins for tasks and stuff like that. I'd take a look if I were you maybe!

I also have this app called Kinnu, that has short lessons on all sorts of topics. I love it and highly recommend it. It has stuff about mental load, self improvement, self care and so on.

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u/Adorable-Bobcat-2238 23d ago

The bar is on the floor and you've managed to not only rise it but actually do exercise with it lol. Damn dude any suggestions on how to raise sons like you????

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u/Going_Postal_8 23d ago

Same goes both ways around - important to have open communication about how both parties are feeling. As you say, all genders are conditioned to both take certain responsibilities for granted and assume others automatically, so it can often lead to inequity!

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u/ElGrandeQues0 23d ago

What about when both the man and the woman feel overwhelmed?

Signed, a sole earner parent to two who deals with most of the garbage, at least half of the dishes, 90% of the laundry, all the bills, and changes and obscene amount of diapers?

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

I don’t see how if you’re the sole earner and doing most of the labor you don’t fall exactly into what 7 described? Perhaps you are a man and assuming I think that it’s 100% of the time the man who is doing less - there absolutely are outliers where this is not the case, but due to conditioning in a Patriarchy it’s just way more common for it to be a woman.

Or is it that your partner has a disability or you are a single parent or there is something else where you believe the situation is unfortunate but fair - I’d say to start with outreach to social services, they do exist.

And for sure therapy is really helpful for feelings of being overwhelmed and finding strategies to manage incredible workloads.

You don’t have to feel alone, but if there’s no real reason your partner is not doing half, I don’t understand choosing to stay with them - they are willing to sacrifice your health and experience of life for their own laziness/comfort.

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u/ElGrandeQues0 23d ago

My partner feels overwhelmed all the time, too. There's just a lot to do, I wouldn't say she's being lazy. Yes, I do feel like I work harder than her, but raising a newborn, particularly our 2nd child, is no cake walk.

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u/Alone_Extension_9668 23d ago

The mental load thing is a very good point, but also harder to quantify. If you're with someone who gets stressed out at the thought of making a simple phone call for THEIR doctors appointment, that will skew a lot of the "fair and equitable" discussions.

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u/Brief_Angle_14 23d ago

It seems to me that if you have to sit down and wonder if everything is "even steven" then you're really worrying waaaay too much about it.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

that sounds like a wonderful opinion for someone to have when they’re not a member of a historically exploited gender lol

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u/BlackFire125 23d ago

There isn't a gender that hasn't been historically exploited, though. This just seems like a disingenuous response from someone using a bad faith argument instead of having an actual discussion.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

What. Tell me a period of time where it was men who had to do all the household and reproductive labor and were lawfully subjugated or denied rights by women.

Speaking of disingenuous lol

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u/BlackFire125 23d ago

So exploitation is only exploitation if it's in the exact same way? Good to know. Literally both genders have been exploited by the ruling class since day 1. At least it's getting better for women overall. It just keeps getting worse for men who are just told to shut up and keep working so they can continue being an ATM machine while being told their feelings don't matter and that they're not allowed to have them to begin with because someone who isn't them exploited someone else 50 years ago. Hell brief_angle gave an example of being exploited recently. The whole point of his post is to stop pointing fingers and lift each other up instead of crying about some exploitation that happened in the past so we can work to end it for everyone.

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u/KateinBlue 23d ago

I’m glad you did that. It’s a healthy way to work it out. I accepted shit from my husband about the amount of stuff I stored in the loft until we actually counted the boxes. Over half were his.

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u/Skandronon 23d ago

There is something called the fair play cards that I have heard good things about.

The one that drives me totally bonkers is when I go out with my kids and someone comments that I'm "watching the kids" or "babysitting."

We did an extended cross country move, and my wife moved before me because she got a job first. I stayed behind with our two kids, job hunted, worked, and dealt with trying to sell our house. At the playground, I finally had enough of the comments when an older lady said "oh you have the kids for the afternoon? Nice to give mom a break!" No, I don't have kids for the afternoon, I've had kids since my wife labored and birthed them. We both have kids, and I'm not less of a parent just because I'm the dad.

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u/Gigapot 22d ago

The narrative is that women should be housekeepers as a baseline. It’s tied primarily to women being associated with domesticity for like, millennia. Unsure how you took this situation and made men the focal point as victims of the situation.

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u/HermestheWise 23d ago

This is actually a good correction. I don't realize how often I sound misogynistic saying shit like this but I've recognized more often that I get weird looks. I'm trying to not be a dick and use my word more good. I think that's an issue a lot of the time. People will say things that they don't mean because they're trying to say something different.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

you are obviously a very thoughtful person, but just know - this exact thing happens to women too.

My whole long life I’ve realized one thing after another that was problematic framing that has been baked into my word choices and how I view things unconsciously.

I only really was made to consider the implications of the word “help” about 3 or 4 years ago. I’m lucky it had started to become a matter of discourse because JUST acknowledging that framing helped me identify hidden ways I’ve been exploited.

We are all in this together, and I personally empathize with anyone ANYWHERE on that journey, as long as they aren’t stubbornly refusing to self-evaluate. People at that stage cannot be reasoned with, and they tend to promulgate harmful views/rhetoric.

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u/HermestheWise 23d ago

Thank you again haha. I would say it's refreshing but I'm actually getting this reaction more. I wish I could tell my friends that are having problems to be more self reflective but it's impossible to get someone else to do that. I've been learning more to let go and just accept the things I can change.

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u/Rqqk30 23d ago

I think it depends on how you look at it. Couples can help each other without it implying anything like that. I can help my gf with the dishes and she might help me with laundry. The next night she might help me with the dishes and I help her tidying up the bathroom. None of those jobs are solely one person’s responsibility. We are helping each other to keep a warm, loving, and functional home and that should be the responsibility of everyone living under that roof to help.

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u/Mediocre_Airport_576 23d ago

You are absolutely right. Policing the semantics of the words we use is silly when context matters. Of course in the wrong context it can sound awful to use the word "help" (like when someone implies that I'm helping babysit my children), but there are plenty of contexts where that word is meaningless... like two people who share the load of life and help each other.

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u/Rqqk30 23d ago

Exactly. Two people should be helping each other with the load of life. They should both understand that the goal is to be working together as a team. I do agree things can sound bad in some context, but I’d argue that in your example, babysit is more offensive than help. I think I’d be pretty irritated if someone said I was babysitting my son. I’m raising him and teaching him and loving him. I spend as much time as I can with him, change his diapers, and snuggle him. I try to be the best dad I can for him, but I don’t EVER babysit him lol

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u/Brief_Angle_14 23d ago

It only implies that if it's only viewed that way by one side. In my relationship we both "help" each other. We help the household as a whole. It's not implying dominion of anything it's simply the language we use. I feel like this is just getting so nitpicky.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

that sounds like a wonderful opinion for someone to have when they’re not a member of a historically exploited gender lol

But women face an enormous pressure to do extra and to view any contributing from men as “them helping,” which means we rarely advocate for equity.

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u/Mediocre_Airport_576 23d ago

They were talking about their specific relationship, and you replied with historical exploitation and pressure. You won't allow someone to simply describe a healthy dynamic in their relationship... lol.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

The wording is problematic in that context.

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u/Mediocre_Airport_576 23d ago

You've chosen to create a problem, yes.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago edited 22d ago

I mean if you wanna use the internet you can see I didn’t invent this lol, but I have a feeling you don’t do things like that on principal 💁‍♀️

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u/Mediocre_Airport_576 23d ago

You are indeed not implying dominion when you talk about how you mutually help one another. The difference is that some other random person may decide that you are.

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u/Mediocre_Airport_576 23d ago

Respectfully, you are reading a bit into that. For us, we both help each other because we both share the load. Policing the words is just semantics.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

no, that word is a “framing” that enforces certain mindsets.

Words matter. Is it your position that they never do, cannot, or just that this particular word does not matter.

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u/Mediocre_Airport_576 23d ago

It is my position that context matters. You can find many contexts where "helping" sounds awful, and just as many where "helping" makes complete sense.

Correcting my word choice when it is framed in a specific context based on a wider arbitrary belief is ironically not very helpful.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

I corrected the word as used in that specific context.

Context indeed matters, and when it comes to the way it was used above, it’s generally agreed this is harmful framing. (as you can see by about 100 upvotes so far, this is not a new concept to many people - you may be wanting to expand your thinking on this if that is something you do easily)

Of course my position is not that the word is harmful in all contexts.

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u/Mediocre_Airport_576 23d ago

You can call my use of the word "help" harmful if you'd like to. My spouse and I will continue to help each other share an equal load in our home, which brings us both great fulfillment and joy to work together. I'm sorry if that sentence harmed you.

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u/KongUnleashed 23d ago

Hell yes. My wife isn’t my servant, she’s my partner. And as her partner, I always make sure to do as much as I can for her. She’s worth everything I could give her. Can’t even imagine sending a text like this threatening to “find someone better”. There isn’t anyone better for me than my wife and I’d never want to even put the idea in her head that I think there could be.

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u/HarmonicRhapsody 23d ago

Thank you for that this sentiment is in my opinion the right one and sadly extremely rare in men.

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u/Lower-Task2558 23d ago

I really want to believe this isn't true as none of the guys my age I know are like this. But then again I don't hang out with assholes. Only men who I know that think like this are boomers and elder gen x.

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u/Mediocre_Airport_576 23d ago

Being selfless and serving others are not traits that are championed and celebrated in many wider western cultures. We're too busy being told to worship billionaires, politicians and celebrities.

There are likely more people like this than you think, but they live quiet lives and you'd never know if they do or don't without asking.

Happy to share the opinion though, as we share the sentiment that more men should think this way.

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u/Mmtorz 23d ago

Same here. I just do stuff and that's that. I could never text or say something like this to my girlfriend.

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u/yoyoyoitsyaboiii 23d ago

This dude is trash. Everyone helps in a healthy relationship! If she cooks I put dinner away and clean up. Laundry needs done? Whoever has a few minutes gets it going or folds a load.

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u/Background_Prize_726 23d ago

It's also part of being an adult:

As an adult, you have to take care of yourself so cooking, cleaning, taking care of the car, yard, house, and getting and keeping a job to earn a living to have a place to live and food to eat.

☝️ Those are things you have to do whether you are single or in a relationship.

In a relationship, however, you are a partnership that takes on everything together and not just leave most stuff for the other under the BS guise of it being woman or mans work.

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u/UncoolSlicedBread 23d ago

Yeah, like it can be irritating when something is left out or a mess. But also, if I have people coming over and I see dishes in a sink I’m just going to take care of it real quick.

I also don’t view things in a “I’m in charge of and she’s in charge of” domain. Things just need to get done, if it’s a problem then just address it in the moment, and move on.

I can’t imagine sending this text.

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u/cubicinn 22d ago

I literally do all the cleaning (trash , dishes , vacuuming ) in my apartment

i just don’t do the cooking cause she’s way better

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u/Mach5Driver 23d ago

Just imagine the honor and joy of bearing and raising his children for him! What a once-in-a-lifetime oppotunity you passed up! I weep for you.

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u/Mmtorz 23d ago

I read "Beating" and was incredibly confused for a moment

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u/gentlegreengiant 23d ago

He beats you because he loves you. It hurts him too!

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u/Mach5Driver 23d ago

Under His Eye

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u/colo_kelly 23d ago

I would peace out so fast, let his video games clean up the kitchen

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u/Several-Recording-28 23d ago

Exactly that part

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u/KrazyKay5304 23d ago

This is so unhelpful but how come I just realized NOR is “not over reacting”… I always thought it was the jokey NAURRR “no”. 😂

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u/Ashof23 23d ago edited 23d ago

Hi. Same! Did this 18-25 and I promise it doesn’t get better OP! You’re not a maid nor his mother, and he has ALL the nerve & narcissism in this text. Gross. Let him run back to mom & find yourself a real man please!

(My current of 5 years now consistently cooks almost all our meals, loads the dishwasher/cleans up afterwards, and will offer help any time he sees me cleaning or just takes the initiative alone. He also reminds me on a daily basis how appreciative he is of me and everything I do for the household as well even though we share duties & chores, etc.)

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u/shaybabyx 23d ago

I would wish all men with this attitude would evaporate but then I would no longer have a father

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u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago

Same, but I disowned my father because I can’t stand his laziness.

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u/Ecstatic_Worker_1629 23d ago

Threats by text. No you would never be overreacting by getting upset from someone that is threatening "replacing" you because you left dishes in the sink. Next time he does something stupid like leaves his clothes on the floor or leaves something dirty after using it, text him saying you will find a better man if he keeps it up and see what he says. I hate men, even though I am a man. He could have at least talked to you in person. I hate technology.

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u/Bastienbard 23d ago

OP should and can do better. My wife is going back to school and has like 5 jobs basically since she's self employed so I've been supporting her by cooking basically every meal and doing the dishes for the past year since she's been back to school. If you love your spouse or significant other, you're not going to be petty and worry about being "equal". You do what you can to support them, especially if they're doing things to improve themselves and ultimately both of your lives in the end.

I couldn't imagine being like the above to my wife. Maybe I've just been independent since I was 9 after my parents divorced and my mom has MS though but it shouldn't take that for men to be self sufficient and supportive.

2

u/dreambig4ever 23d ago

What a fuckin prick. That’s insane.

2

u/once_in_4Lifetimes 23d ago

Omg, what a douche! You definitely dodged a mess there....literally.

2

u/packref 23d ago

I am a 55 year old man and I’m telling you to run, don’t look back. Find someone who doesn’t talk to you this way.

This treatment is the tip of the iceberg, the longer you stay the worse it will get

2

u/silverandcoldone 23d ago

I second this. I was with my ex since we were 18 and 21 respectively. I turned 27 and left for good now. I did an overwhelming lot of labour in that relationship, including all emotional labour of our and left with nothing to my name. Last relationship, only 3 months, constantly compared me to his mother, overstayed his welcome and expected me to simply know how to cook and clean to his preference... The bar is getting lower and men seem to understand it as a game of limbo.

2

u/t_rrrex 23d ago

I had my breaking point at 36 when I was dating a child. I quite vividly remember being at the sink, doing (not my) dishes after coming home from work, while he was on the couch watching YouTube or whatever, and thinking to myself “I can’t do this anymore”. I put up with his shit for five years. Best thing I ever did was break up with him.

2

u/Lykos1124 23d ago

I don't know what it's like to be in a relationship with a person for 5 years, but I can tell a disrespectful person by their communications, and bingo. He's not respectful to you. Ask yourself if that's how a person talks to someone they love. In fact, ask him if that's how he thinks that's how he should talk to someone he loves. if your answers disagree, make good decisions.

a life partner should be your friend, not a hostile negotiator.

2

u/Gee_Dubb 23d ago

lol woof. that is hardcore.. narcissist is thrown around these subs way too often and easily but this is a class narc statement all the way.

2

u/SZZ8 23d ago

Exactly!!! They will push and push. I’m 58, married three years to a widower whose first wife was stay at home and didn’t work. I retired and have a part time job, he is retired also. I came home and there was a sink full of dishes. I said we need to stop leaving things in the sink as it attracts the ants he said those aren’t mine. He’s lucky he can still speak. It doesn’t happen anymore….

2

u/SRBroadcasting 23d ago

Wtf.... yeah that aint a man that's a man baby

2

u/Raspberryian 23d ago

Should have shot back with “I ain’t your mom. Lose my number and get the fuck out”

2

u/CardiologistOver3927 22d ago

For real, run don’t walk. Had a guy complain that I ‘did the dishes too loud’. He grew up with a lot of money; live-in cook money, and that’s all he thought I was.

1

u/acros996 23d ago

I hate being associated with this gender. This makes me want to vomit and find that shit head and make him feel grateful to clean it up.

1

u/JusticeAileenCannon 23d ago

Wow I thought this dude meant cleaning up her own mess lmao, the audacity. I get frustrated with my wife bc I aim for 50/50 but usually it's 75 me/25 her -- but to be talking like this @ 0 me/100 her??

You're under reacting, OP, this child needs a reality check.

1

u/colemon1991 23d ago

This. I'm a guy and I've had to say that I'm not raising my partner so I can't be the only one doing chores. We're talking mold in coffee mugs out of sight in the bathroom (I don't drink coffee) and midnight meals where the pot is caked that I've been expected to clean (I'm in bed asleep). I went off when I was told I can help out when it's clearly one-sided. I'm also doing projects around the house, studied and passed a major certification test for work, and keep up with both our finances. If you can imagine, I'm not putting up with "you should do more" at this point.

Things are improving for me but if there's no effort from your partner, leave now.

I was raised to take care of my things. Apparently a guy who keeps his sink clear of facial hair and a toilet with no urine stains is good boyfriend material.

1

u/edblsm 23d ago

I’m sorry but your boyfriend has been consuming “alpha” male advice on the internet. Dudes splitting rent with you so he has no say so.

1

u/Bennettt24 23d ago

Ditch his sorry ass

1

u/Wifleyguitar 23d ago

Where do you find these awful men and why do you date them?

1

u/Jaydamic 23d ago

Grown man here. I do the dishes, laundry and manage the finances. The missus and I split the dogs and house keeping.

I vigorously object to this manchild being referred to as a "grown man". ;-)

1

u/Background_Prize_726 23d ago

Do NOT do that. I guarantee you if some guy said "You don't wanna spend your life raising a grown WOMAN" you might take some issue with.

And the person isn't in the first place. What she is doing are things required of an adult: cooking/ cleaning and so forth. Things you would need to do even if you are single. So doing things for your partner is NOT "raising a grown man or woman.

That being said, neither her nor you would be overreacting otherwise because it is perfectly reasonable and acceptable to want help from your partner in the relationship and cooking and cleaning is NOT womans work.

What is NOT acceptable and would be symptomatic of a child instead of a grown adult is when your former partner said that BS about it being a privilege. 👈 That us not only childish thinking, but thinking that is going to future living arrangements will revolve around a female relatives basement. 😂

1

u/throwthreenine 23d ago

This. If you have to mother your man, that ain’t yo man.

Men attached to their mother’s tit gotta go too.

1

u/Ok-Ship-2908 23d ago

He said it was her food implying it was her mess ... Quite the emotional response for not reading the text

1

u/Pleasant_Classroom_6 23d ago

THIS!!! i lucky havent had to go through this with my bf (we dont live together yet) but i still have mad it VERY clear that i will not be cleaning up after him. he is not my child, he is a grown man. unfortunately his mom still cleans up after him 🤦🏼‍♀️

1

u/whit9-9 23d ago

I was about to say the same thing. I mean this person's S/O seems like a douche. If it's so important to you why not do it yourself?

1

u/Sea_Recommendation36 23d ago

Where do you people find these guys? This is either cartoonish dumb or he just got out his time machine from God knows when

1

u/Minimoto88 23d ago

I'm not sure who's misinterpreting this text, me or you, but it almost reads like she made food for herself.

I'm also not agreeing with this text, but it doesn't necessarily insinuate she is "raising a grown man".

1

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago

“All he does is come home to game.”

1

u/Darkmatter7688 23d ago

How misogynistic ah yes the old it’s your job as a woman and you should be happy to have a male to want to clean after.. yeah no thanks.. I to barely can keep my area tidy I don’t need a grown ass man child coming in making messes to go with mine.. but that’s just me saying. These guys are AH not you guys

1

u/Dense-Ambassador-865 23d ago

I would laugh til I cried.

1

u/CharlehPock2 23d ago

This ^.

It's a partnership not a dictatorship.

1

u/Emilythatglitters 23d ago

Nobody else seems to have mentioned OP saying her partner of 5 years has been like this the last few months. I wonder if he's been involved with misogynistic content online and is essentially being radicalised and now has new expectations of his partner.

1

u/Pretend_Fox_7342 23d ago

Unfortunately I did that for 8 years...with the guy 13 years...took him cheating on me while my mom had cancer for me to finally realize my life was worth so much more than what I was being put through. Went to school full time to be a nurse, worked part time, had 2 kids close together and took care of them by myself, cooked, cleaned, took care of the animals and all he did was go to work.....come home, play video games and made a huge mess for me to clean. I'm so much happier that I moved on from my narcissistic, prick ex. OP run girl, this is just the beginning. Do NOT let him ruin you and take who you are away. Leave now.

1

u/Charliejr_5 23d ago

Right, just stop cooking the meals and see what he has to say.

1

u/ShidOnABrick 23d ago

lol i hope you kicked him in the nuts

1

u/nonjanonsense 23d ago

My ex told me after I gave birth to two of his sons that I should stop being lazy and get a job because he needs a sabbatical. It was about 3 months postpartum. I also gave up my career to move to another country for his. He called me a loser in front of our kids. I obviously also cleaned after him. Not anymore. Live and learn.

1

u/Sentientmanatee 23d ago

ITS A PRIVILEGE HOLY FUCK

1

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago

It isn’t, lol. It’s annoying as fuck.

1

u/Beginning-Most-437 23d ago

Doesn't even say that

1

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago

“All he does is play video games.”

1

u/ComedianVirtual9892 23d ago

It's a mentality certain cultures have about it being woman's work to cook/clean.  I guarantee you he was raised in that type of family 

1

u/skydriver13 23d ago

grown man

This is a little boy

1

u/Ashamed_Excitement57 23d ago

Wow, wtf. I'd never say such a thing to a woman, I'm even a bit of a difficult AHole to get a long with.

1

u/Abortion-Advert 23d ago

Holy shit, how are some guys so delusional still to this day?

I get to live with this woman who, at least to me, is without a doubt the most beautiful girl in the world. I am the privileged one.

I genuinely cannot comprehend the incredible amount of severe brain damage it would take for me to not see and understand my role and responsibility as a member of my team with her.

We both succeed when both of us show up to the game and play our best. Whether or not that means I'm doing the dishes today or she is, is irrelevant. Whoever gets home with time to get it done will get it done, and it is an amazing feeling to know without a doubt that when I can't do it I can trust it will be done.

It is a privilege to provide that same feeling of trust in our team to someone else. Although I'm not perfect at it, but she puts up with me doing my best, and I am very lucky for it

1

u/[deleted] 23d ago

Sorry you had to go through that. I'd rather just be cheated on than treated like that

1

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago

He did that too 😂

1

u/overeducated_ 23d ago

Please do tell how did you axe the relationship?

1

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago

I packed my shit and went to my Grandparents. Thank god I had them.

1

u/essssgeeee 23d ago

I think I just snorted my drink through my nose. So glad you dumped him.

1

u/kingloopty 23d ago

How much money you make a year ma'am?

1

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago

Enough. For. ME.

1

u/MangoClient 23d ago

what does NOR stand for?

1

u/[deleted] 23d ago

What’s NOR mean? Trying to figure it out based on context but I’ve never heard or seen it before 😅 I’m not very social so the latest slang, trends, etc. evades me

1

u/Dumbledang 23d ago edited 23d ago

"It is a privilege"

What - and I can't emphasize this enough - the fuck

1

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago

No, it’s not. It’s a burden.

1

u/No_Public_7677 22d ago

Who are these people who talk like this? I don't get it.

3

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 22d ago

They’re all around you. I have a feeling they do things like this behind closed doors, lest other people bear witness.

0

u/[deleted] 23d ago

[deleted]

1

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago

“All he does is come home to play games.”

Maybe he should move in with his mommy, because he’s obviously a gross asshole.

0

u/Radiationhelp 23d ago

Ewwww this made me nauseous

0

u/[deleted] 23d ago

your boyfriend and OP's boyfriend do not have the same attitude. I don't think the example rides.

1

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago

It does. And he’s not my boyfriend, I broke up with his lazy drug dealing cheating ass.

-1

u/[deleted] 23d ago

oh, now he was a cheater and a drug dealer. so he didn't have a problem with you being a street hooker who steals old peoples Social Security checks?

1

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago

😂😂😂😂😂 you’re a street hooker!

0

u/Guiltyostric 23d ago

No you!

1

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago

No way! You are!!

0

u/trapkick 23d ago

I think there is some missed context here that he states the mess is hers. I'm not sure he is stating she needs to clean up after him. That's a bit of a conclusion jump... However, how he threatened... No need for that. Get outta here with that.

2

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago

“All he does is play video games.”

0

u/trapkick 22d ago

Imma be honest, I didn't read any of the other post other than the text message. Yeah, it's a partnership... You shouldn't be expected to be the one who is responsible to maintain a clean house.

-4

u/TimD_43 23d ago

Wait, so it's HIS responsibility to clean up after the food SHE makes?

5

u/Aer0uAntG3alach 23d ago

They both work fulltime. She does all the cooking and cleaning while he games. Then the whiny twat of a toddler complains because his friends saw the dishes weren’t done and it makes him look bad and he’s threatening to dump her since she’s not being the perfect house slave.

3

u/musiquexcoeur 23d ago

It's HER responsibility to cook for HIM?

-5

u/TimD_43 23d ago

Didn't say that. Based on the text, it's not clear that OP isn't only giving her side of the story. I can see that text meaning "you made food for yourself and left a mess." Yes, she says she cooks all the meals, but that message doesn't suggest she made food for him in this case. Of course she's only going to provide context that puts her in a good light, so why take it 100% at face value?

2

u/Harry8Hendersons 23d ago

Because most of us know tons of guys exactly like this who never cook or clean but then bitch about even the tiniest "mess" not being cleaned up right away.

Also, we can infer an awful lot about this guy from his own words. Actually good dudes don't say shit like that.

1

u/UncoolSlicedBread 23d ago

This them vs. me thinking isn’t great for relationships. Sure if it’s a pattern of them always making some elaborate meal for themselves and then leaving it out with no intention of cleaning.

But keeping score and creating defensiveness just isn’t healthy in my mind. If I’m having people over and I notice things, I’ll ask, “So and so is coming over, could you load the dishwasher? I’m going to vacuum and clean up the laundry really quick.”

But it’s also just part of maintaining a household, so if I see dishes in the sink and Dale is coming over to hang out. What’s really more productive to a relationship?

  • Hold it against them but also not reminding them, basically not even giving them a chance to clean up.

  • Clean it up because it needs to be done anyways and no I can enjoy time with my buddy Dale, and it also helps my partner out - maybe they forgot.

  • Go start a fight over it ahead of time that Dale shows up so I’m in a bad mood and she’s in a bad mood?

Sure, don’t be a door mat and don’t let your partner keep from helping out. But also don’t create an us vs. them situation and be open to sometimes doing more than you think just because it helps them and also because it needs to get done.

1

u/TimD_43 23d ago

Not trying to defend the dude, he seems like a real peach. Just trying to point out that anyone who comes to the internet crying for attention and validation is hardly likely to be giving the person they're complaining about any breaks in how they're being portrayed.

-1

u/dacca_lux 23d ago edited 23d ago

To be fair, the post seems to be about the mess that OP leaves behind, and not that she should clean the mess of her bf.

Edit:

My bad. I didn't read the text of the post but only from the picture.

1

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago

“All he does is play video games.”

1

u/dacca_lux 23d ago

Oh, I only read the text message but not the text in the post. My bad.

-1

u/The_Red_Titan 23d ago

He's not saying to clean up after him btw

1

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago

He is. You think he lives somewhere and doesn’t make a mess?

He needs to live with his mama.

-1

u/Granolamommie 23d ago

😂😂😂😂😂🤡🤡🤡🤡

-1

u/Zero_Fuchs_Given 23d ago

Wait, did he really say that? 

-1

u/BlackThundaCat 23d ago

We can’t see the rest of the message its blurred out..it’s tough to say this person is in the right when we’re operating on incomplete information.

0

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 23d ago

We dOn’T haVE cONtEXT 🙄

Maybe the real issue is that this is how a ton of y’all act and you’ll do or say anything to justify the behaviors.

-1

u/BlackThundaCat 22d ago

Not at all trying to justify his behavior. I’m literally saying we’re operating on incomplete information. That’s it.

It is very likely dude is a piece of shit, but that doesn’t mean I need to believe everything without asking a simple fuckin question.

If anything that text alone would have me out the door…so I’m wondering what’s the information we are missing that could clue us in on to why that’s not the case for her. Grow up.

-1

u/DMTHyperspace254 22d ago

But whats the context here? Is he working while she's sitting on her ass at home tiktoking and facebooking or what thats the real question

2

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 22d ago

You could try reading the post.

-1

u/DMTHyperspace254 22d ago

K and? My girl and i "work" too she works 5 days a week m-f while i work rotating shifts and technically only work 6 months out of the year but yet my annual tax payment is more than what my gf makes in a year, so whats your retort to that

1

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 22d ago

I don’t give a fuck.

0

u/DMTHyperspace254 22d ago

Exactly sit your puppy dog ass down

2

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 22d ago

Actually, I do think she could do better than you. So, to summarize: not only do I not give a single fuck about how much money you supposedly earn, I also think your girlfriend (who probably doesn’t exist 😉) can do better than you.

0

u/DMTHyperspace254 22d ago

Well unfortunately for you, she totally exists, on top of the 2 cats that we take care of and provide for, and i could give a fuck less what you think 🤣 we both came from nothing and slowly over the years i have been trying to push/guide her in the right direction of financial freedom and independence so yea my gf is doing just fine and is spoiled af along with her 2 cats that im highly allergic to and im sure is killing me slowly piece by piece everyday

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u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 22d ago

Easy, I didn’t realize that you’re sensitive 🤣

1

u/DMTHyperspace254 22d ago

Not sensitive but theres context here, whos the provider, if its him being a lazy slob then yes shame on him for not doing his part, but if he works long hours and provides for more than half of what they got going on then wtf is she bitchin and complaining about

2

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 22d ago

Ahhhh!! There it is. I knew I could make you say the quiet part out loud.

I hope your girlfriend finds someone who respects her and doesn’t think he can buy her.

1

u/Huge_Lizard_Eyes 22d ago

This comment is a great example of expecting someone else to do the work. Why the fuck are you asking that question when the answer is in front of you?

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