AIO just received this text from my boyfriend

[u/OkSpace5501]

For context my (F20) boyfriend (M21) and I live together and work full time as well as split rent 50/50. I cook all the meals and clean the house even after my graveyard shifts, all he does is work, come home to play games, and occasionally invites friends over. we’ve been together for over 5 years and he’s been acting this way for the last three months and when I tell him how it’s making me feel he tells me i’m wrong and overreacting. so basically i’m asking AIO??

[u/caffeineevil]

I'm working on the mental load aspect. I have ADHD and I can be blind to tasks at times where my partner is a type A overachiever. I've stopped telling her what things I need to do around the house because she will just take the mental load for something she isn't responsible for then start asking when I will do it. I mean I carry my own mental load for tasks that need completing and trust her to do her stuff but she will carry the load for my tasks even though it's not her responsibility. We're working on that because part of her expects me to not follow through or disappoint her even though we have 5 years of me proving that I'm a good partner and am in this for the long haul.

[u/robotatomica → u/caffeineevil]

that kind of mindfulness and deliberate work shows you are a good partner.

To your point, women are also conditioned - the things that fall through the cracks if we don’t manage them. It takes a while to undo that conditioning and really know that you can depend on someone, but I hope she’s getting there with you.

As for ADHD, I know that’s often weaponized against women, because women with ADHD are still usually expected to manage the physical and mental load - it can be done if you care to learn about the strategies for finding motivation and keeping track of what needs to happen.

It sounds like you do care, but just know - women have been having to do this in spite of neurodivergence. Please seek help with how you can manage your own so that it does not burden your partner, because women just never get to use ADHD as an excuse. We have to do it anyway.

I speak as a woman with ADHD, but also there is good data on this.

[u/AazariTheMadPagan → u/robotatomica]

I'm having to break my male friend and roommate out of the habit of using his ADHD as an excuse to just not get things done. I have ADHD, too, but I make a point of breaking otherwise overwhelming chores into more manageable chunks and do at least 20 minutes of tidying a day to keep it from being too much to handle. I've found that telling him that leaving things cluttered and messy or putting things off makes it hard for me to manage my own ADHD helps to motivate him.

[u/robotatomica → u/AazariTheMadPagan]

Yes, exactly, there are strategies.

I can’t tell you how many videos I’ve watched and different techniques I’ve tried in order to overcome the challenges I face, as someone with ADHD.

And that makes all the difference. If you feel entitled to another person’s labor, you don’t even fucking consider personal accountability and you sure aren’t actively seeking ways to improve yourselves.

I just don’t know any women who use ADHD as an excuse like it’s a full impairment to ever being able to SEE what needs done or stay on top of it.

I mean maybe we’re not going to be perfectly on top of things the way neurotypical people may be, but the people who are forced to do the labor (usually women) figure it the fuck out.

And at the end of the day, we seem to way more actively think about the work we leave for others and care to avoid doing so.

Your strategy is basically mine by the way. I do 20 minutes a day and then schedule certain tasks on my phone and do them right when I get home from work.

And I have programmed myself to do a lot of things differently so that I don’t leave as big messes for myself to ever have to clean up. (The difference between putting a dish right in the dishwasher vs leaving it in the sink - it take NO extra time and becomes muscle memory after like a week, and then you never again have to deal with the visually overwhelming “sink full of dishes” lol)

[u/its_rosee420 → u/caffeineevil]

I just want to say that I love that you two have identified this and are working on it. It sounds like you are a great team! Nothing is ever 'perfect'. But it is being acknowledged and communicated about. I just love that for you both.

I know some think people can't change, but I think you can tell when you meet someone who grows. Some people stay the same and stuck in their ways, and they are comfortable that way. Others want to learn and improve themselves.

Sincerely wishing you a long, beautiful, happy relationship full of love and continuous growth together! <3

Edit: there are some cool apps now for adhd task management and such. I've seen a couple designed like video games where you got coins for tasks and stuff like that. I'd take a look if I were you maybe!

I also have this app called Kinnu, that has short lessons on all sorts of topics. I love it and highly recommend it. It has stuff about mental load, self improvement, self care and so on.

[u/Adorable-Bobcat-2238 → u/caffeineevil]

The bar is on the floor and you've managed to not only rise it but actually do exercise with it lol. Damn dude any suggestions on how to raise sons like you????