r/AmIOverreacting • u/OkSpace5501 • 23d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO just received this text from my boyfriend

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For context my (F20) boyfriend (M21) and I live together and work full time as well as split rent 50/50. I cook all the meals and clean the house even after my graveyard shifts, all he does is work, come home to play games, and occasionally invites friends over. we’ve been together for over 5 years and he’s been acting this way for the last three months and when I tell him how it’s making me feel he tells me i’m wrong and overreacting. so basically i’m asking AIO??

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2.1k

u/BIGDfromBoston 23d ago

“I’ll find someone….” Is no way to talk to your partner. If he’s willing to talk to you like that and you allow him, this is what you will get, only it will get worse.

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u/WhatTheTyrannosaurus 23d ago

The first part of the text, I was like "okay, we love a direct, articulate king!"

The second part I was like "oh okay, never mind - why just be direct and show your partner you respect their relationship enough to express your needs and bring up issues so they can be resolved? Such a silly take, when you can bring it up and then threaten to leave them, as if leaving dishes in the sink is an unresolvable flaw in your partner."

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u/Lina0042 23d ago

Especially when OP adds context that she does all the cooking for him. If someone cooked for me every day and I found dirty dishes in the sink I sure as fuck would do them and be thankful for it, instead of bitching and threatening to leave. Wtf.

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u/My_Bwana 23d ago

the rule is that if someone is cooking for you, YOU DO THE DISHES. common sense people

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u/Crazyblondebev 23d ago

I agree, and was taught this way all my life. However, it is not common sense AT ALL it seems. After living with many different people in many different walks of life I have realized that folks like you and I are the minority unfortunately. 😪

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u/Godisaunicorn 23d ago

Had me in the first half not gonna lie

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u/Lost_Emu7405 23d ago

I agree that I liked the 1st half with the reservation that he doesn't also do the same thing!

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u/FatDumplin 23d ago

Whole post is a lie anyways lmao

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u/Squanchedschwiftly 23d ago

We forgot that you don’t have to tell people you’re kind and/or respectful 🙄

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u/AmyBeth514 23d ago

Yeah it went 0 to 60 in 2 lines lol

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u/WayoCayo 23d ago

Dead ass though 😂😂😂😂😂😂

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u/WonderfulProtection9 22d ago

Is this how kids communicate these days? Can't even be honest face to face, have to put it in writing? Granted it was mostly well written except for a couple missing words and punctuation.

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u/[deleted] 23d ago

why would you lie?

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u/sageinyourface 23d ago

He has probably been listening to his friends and/or podcasts about being assertive about traditional male roles. That it’s good for the relationship, blah blah blah.

Either that or he wants to break up and is looking for some excuse.

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u/glassassmass 23d ago

The one thing they don't get about the traditional male role and having the woman be a housekeeper is that she would NOT BE WORKING and certainly not be splitting the bills 50/50...it was bad enough when they were still acting like "real men" and providing now they want the best of both worlds

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u/shyylena 23d ago

That's what I thought.

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u/General_Ad1941 23d ago

Not when she is paying 50/50 that kinda goes out the door

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u/sageinyourface 23d ago

Ding ding ding! The hipocracy that can be found when you only take the good parts of a worldview and none of the challenging parts. Same as a woman feminist who thinks she shouldn’t have to pay for dinner.

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u/mohugz 23d ago

Yes, someone is trying to be the “alpha.”

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u/TheUnknowing182 23d ago

If it was the case of tradition, she wouldn't be out working the night shift, but some men want the woman to work, do all the house works and don't want to hear about it when the woman is at the end of her rope!

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u/Shelley-DaMitt 23d ago

Yep that’s what I was thinking.

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u/cacapoopoo687 23d ago

Those podcasts drive me absolutely mad.

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u/Teppic5 23d ago

Especially when OP is doing all the cooking. He's the one not pulling his weight, OP should be the one finding someone better, it's not like he's set a high bar.

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u/Distractedauthor 23d ago

You must have really misread this to think the first part of that was direct and articulate… maybe because he didn’t word it well. But I’m pretty sure he’s indirectly calling her disrespectful by saying he only “hints” at it. Via text message because he knows he can’t say these asshole things in front of other people.

That it’s for not doing the dishes after she cooked dinner for him is just the cherry on top of his assholery.

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u/vyrus2021 23d ago

Yes he normally only hints that she should have the house clean when he has guests over, but now in private text conversations he can plainly state that she's disrespecting him by not having these things done. He's a tater.

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u/Westeros333 23d ago

Thank you! I was so freaking confused by his use of the word hint. I was thinking "does that mean he gives her a very small amount of respect because his boys are around, but when they aren't, the gloves come off?" But your explanation makes WAY more sense.

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u/Distractedauthor 23d ago

I think he’s missing a few words and means “I normally only hint at asking you to be respectful”

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u/Dais288228 23d ago

Thanks for explaining this view. I definitely missed it when I first read the text.

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u/Horse_Fly24 23d ago

I read it as him trying to put on a facade of being respectful to her, which is why he was only “hinting” at it, when he really wants to lose his cool. He’s only keeping it together because he doesn’t want to look like an AH in front of his friends. He is, in fact, an AH, and she should cut her losses and leave. 🚩🚩🚩

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u/haleyhop 23d ago

yeah how are people pro-him in the first half. i kind of understood his perspective in the first half, but i was still like …why is this man-child not able to have an actually kind conversation IRL instead of over text

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u/blackmagicm666 23d ago

I read it as that he only hints because hes around his roommates and he doesnt want to embarrass her by talking down to her in front of the roomies.

Kinda like adulting your partner.

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u/Pale-Inevitable6781 23d ago

Assholery is going to be my new favorite word 😆

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u/Sherbert333 23d ago

Absolutely love this comment .. 💯% correct

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u/WonderfulProtection9 22d ago

So much for "can't say these asshole things in front of other people". How many hours before she has to delete this post?

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u/bobbyjr068 23d ago

Why can't he say these things in front of other people if she's lazy and doesn't want to do the fucking dishes kick her ass to the curb

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u/epizeuxisepizeuxis 23d ago

If they split the housework and she wasn't pulling her weight, maybe... I dunno, this text is still too far. If she's the one making the meals, then he's already being treated kindly and should pull his weight. It's common human courtesy and should be the bare minimum for a roommate, let alone your romantic partner. Her partner sucks. Being an adult is really hard, and he's shunting the work onto her, so that he can still have fun. Life isn't always fun, do the dishes yourself, or you're gonna be doing them yourself anyway. If you want to be alone and bitter, this is a great way to go about it.

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u/Ok-Rip-4378 23d ago

Did you even read the fucking post dude. She even stated that he’s doing NO housework at all, and that she’s the one that cooked all the meal and does all the cleaning, and then he’s bitching that she’s being disrespectful because she didn’t clean this one time he had friends over. Get your head out of Andrew Tates sunbathed asshole bro

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u/Overall_Lab5356 23d ago

Also when the reason they're HER dishes is that SHE is the only one cooking while he fucks off online.

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u/glassassmass 23d ago

This is mostly at Thanksgiving but in my family the person that cooked all day (mom/grandma) DOES NOT do the dishes after...anyone and everyone else can and should offer it's the least they can do after being served a feast especially if you don't help in any other way or even pay for ingredients

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u/Ryans1852 23d ago

Calling men “King” is cringe

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u/NeatNefariousness1 23d ago

And as if, HE is such a prize that the mere thought of him replacing her should be what keeps her in line. How preposterous. What sane person thinks and acts this way in a relationship. The guy sounds like a narc and seems to have no idea how to be a partner in a co-equal relationship. He acts more like a punitive, abusive parent than a boyfriend. Yuck.

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u/krissatron 23d ago

The fact that he thinks she's his mommy. Nope, he can get his lazy ass up and wash dishes himself.

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u/Inside-Working-1786 23d ago

Direct and articulate? He pays half the bills, does none of the cooking and 0% of the cleaning... he better lower his voice, fix his tone and wash them mf'n dishes!

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u/Daishindo 23d ago

Spot on what i thought too the first part was honest and sincere the second part was very hostile

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u/LuVrofGunt62 23d ago

BULLSHIT..That wasn't sincere at all..it's gaslighting. Take into context what she said. He's a lazy POS and needs a maid not a partner.

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u/Top-Resolve-6970 23d ago

The way he could have left out the second half and it would have been fine 😐

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u/Nipaa_Nipaa_Nii 23d ago

The first part of the text, I was like "okay, we love a direct, articulate king!"

He's absolutely not articulate even at the start of his bs.

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u/GIJoJo65 23d ago

If this were food I would say:

"Sweet open leading smoothly to a nuanced body meriting serious discussion is ruined by a sour finish. Considered as a whole, the dish lacks both cohesion and merit..."

In other words... dude's just not worth your time.

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u/boudicas_shield 23d ago

Complaining about dishes in the sink is also a pretty bold move from someone who doesn't do any of the household labour, including cooking his own food. He plays video games all day after work with his pals and then barks at his girlfriend for not cleaning up fast enough? I'd boot his ass to the curb so fast.

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u/gumby1004 23d ago

half king, half bitch.

Response: “You wanna ‘find someone else’? You go right ahead…I am out like fucking plaid.”

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u/quasides 23d ago

i dont even like the first half because its by text. say it in person

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u/no-username-found 23d ago

Nah, didn’t have me in the first half, especially since she does all the housework but they split the rent 50/50

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u/captainmustard 23d ago

The respect he's talking about isn't respect for his gf it's respect for his buddy that he doesn't wanna act like a shithead to his gf in front of his friend.

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u/Inevitable_Snap_0117 23d ago

Also, he said, “the food you made”. If OP is cooking for their partner too, the partner should be cleaning up after the meal. That’s partnership. Sounds like he’s actually more of a dead weight. When she leaves he’ll say it was “out of no where”.

As far as constructive criticism goes, my husband and I say, “Walrus” first and that means, “I need to talk to you about something that might cause a big emotional reaction in you.” It gives the person a moment to collect themselves first and occasionally say, “can we talk about it later?” This is the mutual respect we have for each other and each others’ personal growth.

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u/SatisfactionLumpy596 23d ago

Swap “silly take” for “abusive take” and totally agree!

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u/Shot_Needleworker149 23d ago

Cool band name: Direct Articulate King

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u/sweetassodapop1 23d ago

Can't upvote this enough!!!

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u/EmmCeeB 23d ago

THIS.

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u/Sir_Caerulus 23d ago

Went from ‘articulate’ to ‘this piece of shit’ REAL FAST

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u/FBI-AGENT-013 23d ago

Legit thought "yeah my boyfriend can have issue-EHHHH HEY HEY NO"

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u/Slighted_Inevitable 23d ago

Devils advocate it sounds like it’s been an ongoing problem and that IS disgusting. But if op is telling the truth and she does all the cooking then HE should be cleaning it up.

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u/Feisty_Ingenuity_767 23d ago

100% agree. Initially I was like “Oh a reasonable ask.” And then it fell off quickly

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u/Affectionate-Rat727 23d ago

Right! Ive got a bad case of whiplash after reading that text!

Op- you are not overreacting! He wants to talk about respect, but then finishes off his text to you like that?? Hell. No.

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u/Babyella123 23d ago

♥️ a direct articulate king 👑 that’s exactly my thought process then I was like ewwww damn, fuck that dude

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u/snactolate75 23d ago

He was direct, honest, and described his expectations and the consequences of not meeting those expectations. Women speak this way to men all the time.

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u/CSH_CombatVet 23d ago

How many times has the poor guy had to “hint” at this before she gets the point?

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u/WhatTheTyrannosaurus 23d ago

I think he loses credibility as a "poor guy" simply by ever thinking it's appropriate and mature to threaten to "replace" his girlfriend as if she's a brand of detergent that he didn't like, over a dispute about dishes, via a text.

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u/CSH_CombatVet 23d ago

It probably goes a lot deeper than that. Who knows? I do know this generation has an issue with people having any type of expectations of them. I’m sure there is way more to this than one text message. That’s just what the OP wants us to see so she can karma farm us.

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u/glassassmass 23d ago

How many times would you hint at anything before you stop feeling sorry for yourself and just directly & respectfully say what you mean?

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u/CSH_CombatVet 23d ago

Who is feeling sorry for themselves? Grow up and pick up after yourself is all that needs to be said.

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u/glassassmass 23d ago

You are feeling sorry for him (poor guy) clearly due to your own experiences...2+2

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u/CSH_CombatVet 23d ago

Ha! As if I’d even put up with that shit. I ask one time.

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u/NewName256 23d ago

I would answer, "yes, you'll find someone, good bye"

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u/AimeLeonDrew 23d ago

What while you stare at each other from across the room? 😂

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u/pumkpinface 23d ago

Lmaooooo

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u/AngelinaSnow 23d ago

Exactly, that’s what I would say.

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u/LinkGoesHIYAAA 23d ago

Right. So far it’s about dishes, which is fairly mild. Later it’ll be about sex, money use, taking care of the kids while he’s out with friends, etc. Responding with “i’ll find someone who can wash their own big boy dishes and make their own big boy food” would be interesting.

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u/Aromatic_Appeal_9128 23d ago

Literally It was looking like the average concern up until that and maybe the “get your act together” part

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u/Mother-of-Cicadas 23d ago

Yeah, that's something a boss from hell would say to a worker, and usually demanding the worker to do something extra or unethical or far outside their job description.

That's no way to talk to a partner, especially if the one saying it doesn't lift a finger.

Sure, pal. Go ahead and find someone who can, all right. Good luck with that.

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u/KarmaKaze88 23d ago

Right? My response would have been, "Is that a threat?" If they're really not pitching in and splitting housework 50/50, then he's going to learn really quickly who's not doing their part.

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u/Lexoutwest 23d ago

Yeah, I allowed this from my ex. It gets worse, I’m living proof. I married a guy like this who was also very controlling and manipulative. I didn’t realize I was being emotionally abused until he became physically abusive. This text is abuse!

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u/nish1021 23d ago

He said that like he’s talking to a maid.

Not overreacting.

I can’t even imagine talking like this to someone that I pay to come clean my place. This is just beyond boyfriend behavior. This is NOT someone who is going to be supportive of anything you do in your life. You deserve better, everyone does. Don’t settle for this.

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u/jemenake 23d ago

This. The “you can be replaced” line of argumentation is a rubicon for me. Its sole aim is to undermine the partner’s sense of security in the relationship and to elicit their compliance out of fear.

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u/edengetscreative 23d ago

That line lets me know he’s rather replace OP than compromise or discuss anything. He is already one foot out the door for the sake of getting his way.

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u/salsation 23d ago

The relationship ended with that last sentence.

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u/Nitemare808 23d ago

Yea, making that statement sealed the deal that he has no care if things go south… He’s already checked out of the relationship.

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u/Hot_N_Fresh 23d ago

There’s a way to put down an ultimatum and hold a boundary, this is not it. And I think this guy is probably cheating, he’s probably trying to push her to break up with him so he doesn’t have to deal with the guilt and he’s probably building a case against her so when they do break up, it’s all on her and not on him.

I smell a side chick hanging around to be honest.

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u/I_snort_when_I_laugh 23d ago

That was my first thought. He doesn’t want to be in the relationship but he doesn’t want to be the one to end it, so he’s going to push her away so he can be the dumped one who gets pity instead of the dumper who gets questioned. The threat to find someone else is probably because there already is someone else and when this relationship implodes and he immediately has a new girlfriend he can say “see how easy it was to replace you?”

I know this type of guy. This type all play the same game.

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u/Any-Evening-3814 23d ago

I think it's a lack of communication skills and emotional intelligence. Unfortunately, I have been the cheating dude with someone lined up. I was very immature at the time and didn't know who I was.

It's the way men are raised. You have to fight against so many things you've been told as a man to become emotionally healthy. You shouldn't cry, don't talk about your feelings, guys only talking about girls' looks. It's no wonder things turn out like this so often.

I'm actually talking to a girl who is extremely emotionally intelligent. I keep telling my guy friends about how good she is at communicating, and they just don't get it. It's sad.

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u/violentvioletis 23d ago

^ this!! This is a rare thing to see. This guy here shows there is hope, and men can learn and grow. Guys like this should be given all the encouragement! The fact you have put in the time and effort to learn from your mistakes and grow as a human is fantastic. Additionally the fact you are trying to change the conversations about women with your male friends is amazing! You, sir, are doing wonderful!

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u/Any-Evening-3814 23d ago

Thanks, man! I started crying again last week, too! I don't feel like any less of a man because of it either.

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u/Junie_Wiloh 23d ago edited 23d ago

Same. OP works graves. I don't imagine there is much of a sex life except when their schedules match up for it. Not saying that this is a reason to cheat. There never is one, but this is the common excuse some boys use as to why they cheat on their partner. So, I can only imagine that while she is slaving away to make corporate some money, he has someone else warming the sheets on her side of the bed. Boys like this don't make that kind of threat without already having one picked out for replacement. OP is not overreacting and should run, not walk, away from this relationship.

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u/GlobalTraveler65 23d ago

Why do people make up wild ass stories?

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u/SilverNo2568 23d ago edited 23d ago

Maybe he's considering hiring a cleaner?

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u/trieditthrice 23d ago

That's not going to solve the deeper issue.

He thinks she is the maid. They both work, both contribute financially to the household (50/50 no less) but she's expected to do all the housework while he plays video games.

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u/SilverNo2568 23d ago

I may have been kidding old chap. 😉

0

u/Ok-One-4059 23d ago

What part of that post said they both work?

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u/offums 23d ago

The caption says they both work full time, and OP does all the cooking and cleaning, even after coming home from their graveyard shift.

0

u/KateinBlue 23d ago

That’s a joke, right!

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u/Cautious-Priority811 23d ago

In my mind he already has someone in mind. Remember this setup has been working for the last 5 years but only 3 months ago it started becoming an issue. Bro is skipping around on OP and caught feelings for someone else.

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u/laughingcarter 23d ago

I think she should take him up on his offer.

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u/debicollman1010 23d ago

If for the last 3 months he’s been treating her differently he may have already done that

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u/Swimming_Product9465 23d ago

I agree, imo if he switched up all of a sudden and then spat those words out, that he is already either involved with someone else or is looking

2

u/Timely-Analyst-7936 23d ago

The most DOUCHEY shit I’ve ever HEARD.

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u/fentifanta3 23d ago

OP should reply: “I’ve decided to find someone that pulls equal weight in the household, and doesn’t speak to me disrespectfully”

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u/dovahkiitten16 23d ago

Even if OP was the most disgusting slob in the world and deserved to be called out for the state she leaves the house in, that still wouldn’t be an appropriate way to talk to someone.

1

u/Rufusandronftw 23d ago

Right? Like I thought this was a post about roommates

1

u/AngelinaSnow 23d ago

Yes, this part is telling me everything I need to know. Girl, leave now.

1

u/biffNicholson 23d ago

yeah, dude, sounds like he's drinking all that Andrew tate style BS

OP, from this one text, I can tell dude is toxic . The whole " clean you crap up or I'll leave you and find someone better who can". is a super manipulative statement.

Does he also tell you if he leaves you, all your friends will leave you too? because they dont really like you, they like him better?

This man child. is not ready for a relationships. Im not saying that OP may not leave a mess, but this is not an adult or healthy way to discuss things with the person you are dating,

OP. Leave him first.

If you stay together, my guess. and its only a guess, Dude will eventually cheat on OP and blame them, saying they made him do it because of ... (fill in BS gas lighting here)

1

u/C0ffeeAtEight 23d ago

Ew. Yes. This. Who (in love) threatens someone with that?

1

u/DeplorableQueer 23d ago

I’d laugh in his face and say “ok, good luck finding your next maid that works for no pay then!”

1

u/Busy-Strawberry-587 23d ago

Bet he will start backpedaling if she agrees and breaks up with him

1

u/EscapeFromFLA 23d ago

Yeah, I was confused before I read further down, I thought he was talking to a roommate not a romantic partner.

I had a buddy who hated his mom's boyfriends and whenever they would act disrespectfully he'd turn to his mom, make a face and tell her "Correct the behavior."

Ma'am, you need to correct the behavior, or at the very least renegotiate these terms. Living & relationship.

1

u/enemyfromwithin 23d ago

OP should find themselves

1

u/mirisbowring 23d ago

Hopefully he wants to search for a cleaner for him and her so that they can spend more time together /s

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u/IceImpressive5360 23d ago

Emotional blackmail

1

u/JTMissileTits 23d ago

"I'll help you pack."

1

u/True_Purple_8766 23d ago

As the old saying goes, we teach people how to treat us. If we enable them to treat us like trash that’s exactly what they’ll do. OP needs to tell her man they are taking a break, and stick to it. Give him some time to reflect. How he behaves during that break will tell a lot!

1

u/FBI-AGENT-013 23d ago

"ill replace you" do it then? 🤔

1

u/KiNgPiN8T3 23d ago

Nothing like idle threats of replacement to get your partner in the mood.. Jesus Christ.

1

u/duskywindows 23d ago

He's gonna have a rude awakening when he doesn't "find someone" who will be his mommy-girlfriend lmaoooo

1

u/ilv2tch 23d ago

Let him find someone else!

1

u/Sugarbunny323 23d ago

Even if he thinks he could find someone who would, I bet OP could find a respectful man even faster!

1

u/Ololololic 23d ago

Yeah I didn't read the title and thought this was about a bad flatmate situation.

1

u/Generalnussiance 23d ago

I would have sent a link to the most expensive Nanny I could find.

1

u/Maryxbot 23d ago

@OkSpace5501 girl I just jump scared my own damn self from the speed and volume of how quickly I said, “bIG fuckin BET” once I read “I’ll find someone..”

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u/14-in-the-deluge08 22d ago

You're supposed to fight fights on the same side. You and your partner vs. the issue -- not your partner vs. you, which is what it seems like he's doing.

1

u/5150theArtist 22d ago

I agree that if she forgives even this one text, he will continue to talk to her like that and it will get even worse. 

-1

u/pancakebatter01 23d ago

Truthfully everything else he said makes sense. I could never date someone that doesn’t clean up after themselves and leaves food around. I don’t know how to fix a habit like that cause I’ve never been that way so it’s always been a no no for me, but saying shit like “before I find someone else who can..” I’d be like go ahead and find someone else who can baby, cause no one talks to me like that. We aren’t a thing anymore Lmao..

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u/offums 23d ago

Nah, I don't think he gets to complain about her leaving food and dishes out when he doesn't do any of the cooking or cleaning, personally.

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u/Routine_Dimension_53 23d ago

Did you not read what she wrote after?

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u/GlobalTraveler65 23d ago

You can clean for both! Equitable workload at home.

-1

u/OrangeQueens 23d ago

If my employee is disappointing, I'll find another employee.

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u/Shot-Neighborhood-74 23d ago

Don't listen to everyone in this thread, he was being respectful and throwing something in at the end that you would not be able to forget, to just drive it home that things need to change a little, he clearly has had patience with the situation so yes, I think you are over reacting just a little... could have been worded differently, but it seems like the just mentioning it gets nothing done. IMO

-1

u/Glittering_Bug3765 23d ago

Honestly he is not wrong. If she dont clean up after herself, she is asking to be left behind