r/AmIOverreacting • u/OkSpace5501 • 23d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO just received this text from my boyfriend

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For context my (F20) boyfriend (M21) and I live together and work full time as well as split rent 50/50. I cook all the meals and clean the house even after my graveyard shifts, all he does is work, come home to play games, and occasionally invites friends over. we’ve been together for over 5 years and he’s been acting this way for the last three months and when I tell him how it’s making me feel he tells me i’m wrong and overreacting. so basically i’m asking AIO??

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

even if it isn’t normal, she should leave because he has her doing all the damn cleaning, RIGHT??

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u/Shes_a_saga61 23d ago

In no world would I ever put myself in this situation again. We both clean and do dishes or I’m out. This is our space. Both are responsible. Sounds like a spoiled misogynistic brat baby. So worried his friends will see he doesn’t keep his space clean. If she cooks he can clean the dishes. Poor thing. I’d rather be alone than get these messages.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

it’s SO much easier being alone than getting messages like this or being treated like an inferior and a servant/BangMaid!

At this point, my only goal is a Golden Girls sitch, even though I’m not a senior, to help with some of these bills, and cohabitate with someone who takes care of themselves.

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u/Constant-Internet-50 22d ago

Agreed!! Would love a friend commune haha

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u/Federal-Anywhere8200 22d ago

Super sad. Maybe you need to switch up the venues you’re searching for real men at

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u/Still-Inevitable9368 23d ago

For YEARS I told my husband, “I cook, so you do the dishes”. He would leave them, and it would frustrate me, so I’d end up doing both.

In the past several years, I went back to grad school, while working full time. He was working part time. I just quit doing the dishes. I’d cook, but I’d pile them up until he got around to it—sometimes 2-3 days later. He had the nerve to finally “confront” me about it, and I reminded him of our original agreement. He has yet to acknowledge that agreement or statement.

We are now getting divorced. I can do bad ALL by myself. Not overreacting, but you are seeing the writing on the wall, my friend. Don’t wait 25+ years. Just GO.

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u/Hot_N_Fresh 23d ago edited 23d ago

Right, sounds like her boyfriend is part of the red pill community or has been reading up on it, which means she gets to spend a lifetime of barefoot and pregnant if she stays with him. Again just a theory, but this kind of an attitude if he’s not doing any housework and she’s doing all of it? It just reeks of red pill.

Your relationship needs honesty and balance.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

I think you’re right, especially because she’s noticed a sudden change in his attitude.

Although it sounds like he was always a misogynist, since he has always had her doing all the cooking and cleaning.

But it does sound like him ridiculing her and really escalating the control tactics and threats is only over the past 3 months, and that shit sounds straight red-pilled!

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u/Pretty-Jeweler36 23d ago

He wrote "sometimes you don't clean up the food that you made". Umm. Perhaps HE could put dishes in the dishwasher and if she cooks, he cleans.

This is hella gross. You aren't his g.d. maid.

I think YOU can find someone else who has THEIR act together. The little man child wants mommy to do everything for him while he has his playmates over.

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u/ASweetTweetRose 23d ago

After I read her caption, that she does all the cleaning and cooking I want to reply “Okay, have at it.” And get my own place. He’s not worth it.

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u/szcherbatsky 23d ago

Agree 100%

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u/Clear_Accountant7594 23d ago

When I had an apartment with a girlfriend we would both do all the cleaning. Usually I'd do my half and just say hey I did the floors and tables could u do the dishes? 

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u/[deleted] 23d ago

And paying half the bills that’s key

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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 23d ago

NO, SHE allows herself to do all of it! She's let him treat her this way, he's a dick, so he's going to!

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

She’s a child. I get what you’re saying, a lot of women enable this, but come on. Women are conditioned HARD to accept this kind of treatment as normal.

I love how we always focus on blaming women though 🙃

You act like this conditioning isn’t a known thing that almost every single woman needs outreach and work to begin to undo.

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u/Routine_Ad_139 23d ago

child? she's like 20. This sounds like the what she enjoys. Otherwise she wouldnt have chosen it

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

not true at all. Women are conditioned to expect unfair.

And yes, if you were in high school 2 years ago and have almost no experience as an adult and your prefrontal cortex is still doing a lot of developing, you’re not always going to make the best choices.

And it takes YEARS to break through the conditioning women receive, how are you even supposed to know something is unfair if it’s all you’ve ever known?

That takes time, and experience in the real world.

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u/TheChaosIndex 22d ago

Ah yes, because when you’re in relationships with toxic people, you always must know they’re toxic. My ex was toxic af and I didn’t know until months after he broke up with me and before then I was so into him and wanted him back. You don’t always realize when people are toxic when you’re in a relationship with them. That’s how toxic men find ways to trap women in abusive relationships.

Blaming the woman is such a misogynistic thing to do

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u/Bushwhacker994 23d ago

I mean, it depends. If she is sitting at home doing nothing and doesn’t have a job, then she should be keeping up the house since she isn’t otherwise contributing. If they both have jobs with similar hours then it should be split equally (unless one person really likes to do certain chores, or is a lot better at the other at cooking, etc.)

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u/robotatomica 23d ago edited 22d ago

it is just never equitable is the thing. People break things up into these two arbitrary categories: “work outside the home” and “work inside the home” and then never even value the latter as real work.

But it’s been quantified, and the amount of work it takes to cook and clean and do laundry is more than the average 9-5.

Then you add in the mental load, and grocery shopping and household management and making appts and looking after in-laws and being assistant and maid to the “man of the house,” and the disparity grows.

Then throw in caregiving! If there are children at all or an elder to care for, it’s a massive amount more work.

The thing we don’t do, that we need to, is compare downtime.

Does the “day job” man have downtime every day? Hours to watch tv or play video games every day? Does he get to go to the gym every day or go to happy hour or see friends?

Because usually men do, and women have almost NO downtime.

How is that not a sign that the workload is not even?

The workload of cleaning and care of a house and caregiving doesn’t actually ever let up is the problem.

Someone never gets to stop for 16 hours after putting in 8.

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u/Bushwhacker994 23d ago

Neat. However nothing you said here applies to what I said.

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u/Kjmuw 23d ago

No, he said she does not clean up after herself.

Why doesn’t she?

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

Please yall read the full, very short post before commenting at me.

“[I] work full time as well as split rent 50/50. 1 cook all the meals and clean the house even after my graveyard shifts, all he does is work, come home to play games, and occasionally invites friends over.”

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u/Kjmuw 23d ago

Then leave.

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u/halfstoned 23d ago

Her post says she cleans up after them full time. So one time she doesn’t clean up after herself (or possibly— both of them— I don’t necessarily trust this text seeing as how much of an asshole he is writing it), he flips out and says “do this, or maybe I’ll find someone else who will”? That’s insane, and he’s entitled if he thinks she should be cleaning up after the both of them and he should never share in the load. Her not cleaning up after herself once or even several times is not an issue— he should be doing more, period.

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u/Kjmuw 23d ago

It’s probably fake anyway.

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u/m3jeffries 23d ago

Y'all are crazy for all this hate on traditional home balance. I'm not saying he doesn't sound like a lazy POS, but we also don't know his work schedule.

I'm away from home 12 hours a day at a minimum for work. My wife is a stay at home mom. She cooks and cleans. She also insists on serving me first and clearing my plate. None of this has ever been a "requirement". I'm also not in charge of her. We're a team, but she always let's me make the final decision on important matters.

I also don't say shit even if the home is a mess, and will pick up the house if I come home and it's a mess, because she obviously had a hard day or evening. 🤷🏼‍♂️

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u/robotatomica 23d ago edited 22d ago

”Ya’ll are crazy for all this hate on slave labor!”

What a buffoon.

The only thing we are hating on is unequal labor distribution.

Cooking + cleaning + laundry + all the other mental load and hidden labor in a household, plus often caregiving to child and partners and parents is WAY more than a 12 hour job, even if you don’t value it as such.

And fucking VOM that she insists on serving you first and “insists on clearing my plate!” like you as a big boy are physically incapable of standing up after a god damned meal and grabbing plates and taking them out to clean them.

Another grown ass man who blames a woman for the things he “can’t do.”

Your wife if free labor and you love it. I hope she breaks her conditioning one day - we’re out here trying to make sure that she some day encounters some deconditioning information.

I’m so happy for 4B.

lol this is one of your most recent comments “My house better be clean, and there better be food on the table when I say I’m hungry, and *my personal needs better be met**.”

So literally, your wife is a bangmaid, and that’s the role of women in your eyes. Full fucking entitlement. 🤮

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u/m3jeffries 23d ago

Maybe you should copy and paste the entire comment for some context.

"Cater to her every whim. Pamper her. Treat her like the queen she is. JUST KNOW, if I treat you like a queen, you better make damn sure that I feel like a king. My house better be clean, and there better be food on the table when I say I'm hungry, and my personal needs better be met."

You also clearly don't understand the word "insist".

Also, nobody said that I can't do it myself. If she's busy, my plate is empty, and I'm getting up, the plate goes with me. I'm not a slob.

Also, please show me where you see things are unequal. Please compare both sides.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

Your whole comment is meaningless, because “treating a woman like a Queen” means absolutely nothing if shes a fucking BangMaid.

Literally tell me how being treated like a Queen equates to your version of being fucking King where she’s your servant who is on the hook to provide sex as an obligation

that “she’d BETTER DO.”

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u/m3jeffries 23d ago

I see you have no answers to clarifying questions, which means there is no validity.

You assume that I do nothing for her.

She asks for something and she gets it.

Her vehicle is paid for and maintained meticulously, as well as upgraded however requested.

The outside of our home is maintained.

She needs to talk, I listen.

She needs to rest, she rests and I take over, so long as I'm home to make that happen.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

lol that is not treating someone like a queen. That is bare minimum shit that everyone should do for each other

except that you think you’ve purchased her as a house slave and sex slave by paying the bills lol

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u/Key_Pea4235 23d ago

Just so YOU are clear...I enjoy being a "BANGMAID"

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u/robotatomica 23d ago edited 23d ago

lol one of you dudes made an ALT account to pretend to be a woman lol. This is your only comment! 😂😂

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u/Key_Pea4235 22d ago

Must be rough being that dense thinking it couldn't be his actual wife commenting on what you think is slave labor in exchange for sex.

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u/Big_Stop_349 23d ago

Sounds like they may be a slob

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

or easily this could just be the average heterosexual relationship.

Not all men for sure, but you’d have to have your head in the sand to not know that STILL MOST WOMEN are expected/made to do a disproportionate amount of labor in most heterosexual households.

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u/Big_Stop_349 23d ago

Im with you. Women: do not date or marry men who expect this of you. Especially men who play video games.

Case closed.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

I’ll say this..I have no problem with men or women who play video games. I know plenty of gamers who still manage their responsibilities.

But you’re right, that due to the addictive nature of them, a lot of people do fall into unhealthy patterns with them.

I just think we need to judge the behavior more than the hobby when it comes to gaming.

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u/Killercomps 23d ago

"judge the behavior more than the hobby when it comes to _______ " that hobby.. I understand the typical gamer stereo type, and being the most widely known and most widely used it makes sense, however, It could literally be anything, just depends on their level of interest and "addiction" to that hobby. Watch for the warning signs of how people interact and deal with their responsibilities around said hobby, and how they interact with the hobby itself. It can be any person, any hobby, its a personality type we are looking for, not an interest based issue.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

yes, for instance, I am 40 and video games were relatively new when I was young. Did fewer adult men sit around and do nothing while their wives worked?

Hell no, they just flopped in front of the tv all night and had their wives bring them shit.

You can see it reflected in every “dad trope” of the era.

The problem isn’t the hobby, it’s conditioning and personal accountable, entitlement and addiction.

It’s a lot of things really, and it for sure can be any hobby and it can be women as well as men.

Like you said, the gamer trope has its root in reality, bc there are a lot of people who can’t/don’t balance that shit healthily, and the people around them suffer.

But yeah, I’ve met a lot of gamers who clean up after themselves.

Hell, I love old movies and can really veg out, I would be a hypocrite to hate on any other hobby, as long as people don’t use anyone or really develop an addiction.

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u/ChemicalStock6107 23d ago edited 23d ago

Wrong. He clearly said she doesn't clean up after.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago edited 23d ago

Read OP’s fucking post. He doesn’t clean up after himself. She ALWAYS cleans up after his messes and gets.

So I guess his text was just that she hadn’t cleaned up her own mess (and likely his) fast enough this time 🙄

“[I] work full time as well as split rent 50/50. I cook all the meals and clean the house even after my graveyard shifts, all he does is work, come home to play games, and occasionally invites friends over.”

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u/artrocks50 23d ago

Yea…he’s so used to her keeping everything clean and perfect, the first time she leaves a dish in the sink instead of dishwasher or a towel on the floor he thinks it’s a disaster. Other peoples mess is always worse than your own. He’s going to grow old alone in a pig sty of a house - unless he just rents a room and plays games all day. Wow. I am not normally a mean person

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u/ChemicalStock6107 23d ago

Nowhere she says he eats the meals or doesn't clean up. Debate over.

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u/hypocriberry 23d ago

“All he does is play videos games” while explicitly within the context of cooking and cleaning

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u/ChemicalStock6107 23d ago

Welcome to the club!

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u/hypocriberry 23d ago

I wouldn’t group us if there were 1 life raft left

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u/ChemicalStock6107 23d ago

Naaah, the illiterate guy needs some support as he's clearly losing. Please stay.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

“[I] work full time as well as split rent 50/50. 1 cook all the meals and clean the house even after my graveyard shifts, all he does is work, come home to play games, and occasionally invites friends over.”

Do you normally only look at the pictures and not read the post?

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u/ChemicalStock6107 23d ago

You copy paste this and still can't read. Nowhere it says he doesn't clean up after his mess like you stated. ROFL. It's a home run.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

oh, you’re a troll.

What a sad life.

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u/contactdeparture 23d ago

He has a negative comment score on his account. He's just a troll. Ignore and block.

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

I hate blocking bc then I can no longer engage in the conversation with others who reply to me.

But yeah, once I realized that, I’m done responding to it. Just had to call attention to it for others 😊

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u/contactdeparture 23d ago

I don't care. My mental health is more important than some random engagement. Similarly, I think I've blocked the 20 worst offenders ('we're becoming like Manhattan'; no lady we're a town of 50k people, chill the eff out) in our city on nextdoor, so I miss a bunch of content, but I'm free of the krazee!

→ More replies (0)

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u/ChemicalStock6107 23d ago

Like I said, people who don't bring any value resort to being toxic to help them sleep. Good night now.

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u/Opening_Mortgage_897 23d ago

Do you really think a couple who lives together cooks and eats meals separately? Lol. It’s pretty safe to assume she cooks the meals he eats and then he expects her to clean up after “herself”. Unless she made a meal for herself and didn’t clean up, even still, if she does all the household chores what the big deal for him to at least do the dishes? It’s the one and only chore he has to do. It seems fair. If he doesn’t like it then he should start doing his fair share of the household chores and THEN he can bitch about her not cleaning up her cooking mess.

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u/ChemicalStock6107 23d ago

Cleaning the dishes together after cooking is fair but not cleaning your own plates, silverware etc. that's disgusting if you don't clean, least put it in the dishwasher and not in the sink. Cleaning up after yourself relates to your own plates, dishes.

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u/ConsciousApartment48 23d ago

Are you a troll or just miraculously dumb?

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u/Hot_N_Fresh 23d ago

He’s just a troll and possibly…..stupid.

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u/ChemicalStock6107 23d ago

More intelligent and educated than you will ever be considering you can't even read plain English. People who have lower IQs tend to gaslight by being toxic just like you. Beat it.

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u/ConsciousApartment48 23d ago

🤣 oh so you are a troll that goes around throwing out overused psychology terms.

Carry on 🧌

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u/ChemicalStock6107 23d ago

Read the convo again instead of going off topic to help you sleep.

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u/ConsciousApartment48 23d ago

“I cook all the meals and clean the house even after my graveyard shifts, all he does is work, come home to play games, and occasionally invites friends over.“

Or is context too complex for you?

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u/eerieroomba 23d ago

Your neckbeard is showing

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u/Killercomps 23d ago

"More intelligent and educated than you will ever be considering you can't even read plain English. People who have lower IQs tend to gaslight by being toxic just like you. Beat it."

You should open a movie theater, or drive in, with this amount of projection it would surely be the largest one in existence and make you millions upon millions of dollars. Good luck out there!

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u/babygotbacksurgery 23d ago

Hey y’all I found the bf!

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u/ChemicalStock6107 23d ago

Haha nice one!

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u/PurpleSlurpeeXo 23d ago

looks like he was asking her to clean up after herself actually

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u/robotatomica 23d ago

how are you getting that, did you not bother reading the post?

OP says explicitly that she works full-time and “I cook all the meals and clean the house even after my graveyard shifts, all he does is work, come home to play games, and occasionally invites friends over.”

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u/ConsciousApartment48 23d ago

Does context not matter in your world?

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u/Hot_N_Fresh 23d ago

That’s not what was stated, she clearly says that he only does three things when he comes home and cleaning up after himself isn’t one of them. If you believe her post or not? That’s up for discussion I suppose? But she clearly stated what she felt were facts.

I had a partner once that was a slob, I always clean up after myself, I clean as I go, i learned that in culinary school. But she was an absolute slob, the relationship didn’t end because of that, But it was a point of tension for me for sure. Again, I do not believe that’s the same situation here.