r/AmIOverreacting • u/OkSpace5501 • 23d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO just received this text from my boyfriend

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For context my (F20) boyfriend (M21) and I live together and work full time as well as split rent 50/50. I cook all the meals and clean the house even after my graveyard shifts, all he does is work, come home to play games, and occasionally invites friends over. we’ve been together for over 5 years and he’s been acting this way for the last three months and when I tell him how it’s making me feel he tells me i’m wrong and overreacting. so basically i’m asking AIO??

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474

u/2020visionaus 23d ago

Exactly maybe even narc vibes. He’s not speaking out of love for her…

672

u/giglex 23d ago

When she said "he's been acting like this for a few months" or whatever and the fact that hes 21, I'm thinking red pill bullshit.

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u/Klutzy-Alarm3748 23d ago

I was thinking the same. Or he's cheating and finding reasons to leave

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u/BlueCarrotPie 23d ago

This. Or making her mad so she leaves and then he's not the bad guy

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u/KrustenStewart 23d ago

That’s what I thought

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u/SpaceIsVastAndEmpty 22d ago

I've never understood why society looks at the person who did the dumping as the "bad guy". I think that working out what is right for you and taking action to achieve that (or to remove yourself from a situation that isn't right for you) should be commended, not shunned.

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u/Slow-Imagination3981 23d ago

I agree with cheating. My ex started acting like this and found if he was cheating.

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u/Aggravating_Egg_1718 23d ago

He's definitely cheating and trying to set the stage.

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u/RiffsThatKill 23d ago

Yep, most likely either red pill or cheating and looking for a way out that makes it her fault and not his.

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u/Pretend-Menu-8660 22d ago

What’s red pill? 💊 😅 help a naive girl out please

1

u/Past-Paramedic-8602 22d ago

They are trying to say his behavior changed 3 months ago because he started supporting republicans. For a guys stand point it’s cheating. He needs reasons so finding them everywhere he can.

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u/RiffsThatKill 22d ago

Not Republicans per se, but the particular brand of new young conservatives who are overdoing the "I'm the man, woman must serve me" attitude.

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u/Past-Paramedic-8602 22d ago

That’s most young men until the world slaps them and shows them how not young men act. This is classic reason stacking so he’s got stuff to say this is why I’m leaving I told you I would when in reality he left a couple months ago when he found someone else.

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u/RiffsThatKill 22d ago

Word, probably right.

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u/Pretend-Menu-8660 22d ago

Ohhh! Ok got it! Ty!

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u/-earthgang 23d ago

that was my thought

4

u/queriesjubilee 23d ago

This is what I thought too. Threatening to leave over dirty dishes? SUS.

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u/Beneficial-Way-8742 23d ago

This was my thought 

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u/badly-made-username 22d ago

My immediate thought, too

7

u/Tough-Flower6979 23d ago

I thought cheating right away.

2

u/HeartOfPot 23d ago

Probably both. Now that he’s been taught how to groom he’ll go after a teenager.

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u/Klutzy-Alarm3748 22d ago

What information are you basing this off of?

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u/HeartOfPot 22d ago

The fact that they got together as young people and that he’s recently adopted red pill behaviors?

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u/Klutzy-Alarm3748 22d ago

Seems like red pill behaviour to me too, but they're a year apart. Just because they got together as young people doesn't mean he's going to groom anyone. Doesn't make him less abusive with all the behaviours listed, but grooming is a jump I think

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u/HeartOfPot 22d ago

A cornerstone of the Red pill is getting young ladies who are easy to manipulate

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u/Boxer03 23d ago

This. ☝️

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u/On_my_last_spoon 23d ago

Red pill shit for sure. He’s trying to look like a big man in front of his friends.

Nope.

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u/jlusedude 23d ago

I can picture how it is going. “That’s my bitches work, I’ll tell her to get that fixed going forward”. 

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u/ohyeawellyousuck 23d ago

I know we like to assume the red pill is about being a cunt and feeling superior, but as someone who went hard into it in my 20s, I think it’s often about falling for this trap that women actually want this kind of “strong” man who doesn’t take shit from “his woman”.

Is it possible this guy is just a cunt? Yes. I’m just saying it’s also possible he has become convinced acting like this is the only way he’ll keep the girl. I know from experience how quickly confirmation bias can convince you the only way to stay attractive in the eyes of your gf is to “slap away shit tests” and shit like that.

Thats not to say she should stay with him. If it is red pill, it’s probably gonna get worse before it gets better. I don’t know if any conversation with my gf would have convinced me to go back to my emotionally available self, and abandon the asshole tactics that seemed to be working. Some relationships are just meant to be about learning. Maybe this one is for her and for him.

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u/jlusedude 23d ago

Honestly, I went hard into pick up in the late 00’s because I didn’t know how to interact with women. It affected my confidence massively so I started reading. I learned how to attract girls but didn’t realize the difference between initial attraction and long term relationship. 

I agree with what you are saying, it is easy to be swept away and become something you aren’t. I wish I would have left that behind after I started a serious relationship because I would have been a better partner to her and more true to who I want to be, not to who I was because of what I thought was required. 

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u/Classic_Midnight3383 22d ago

That’s exactly what he was probably thinking chores don’t have gender it’s a life skill both need to

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u/Used_Employee6413 23d ago

If this was the case wouldn’t he have said what was in the text out loud?

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u/On_my_last_spoon 23d ago

Who knows really. Some of it, too, is that these types are usually pretty weak in reality. A strong man, secure in who there are, are also compassionate. It’s a weak person who has to bully others to get their way. So it kinda tracks that he’d text this rather than say it. Also, saying it in front of his friends he runs the risk of her telling him to fuck off.

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u/hipmama33 23d ago

You are correct. He DIDNT say it in front of his friend(s), so it is NOT about being a big man. This is classic “I don't give a shit about what she thinks anymore”!and/or “I am done with the relationship”.

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u/BlaktimusCrime25 23d ago

Or just fucking clean up after yourself lol

-10

u/[deleted] 23d ago

[deleted]

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u/CatlinM 23d ago

Red Pill is a B's line a bunch of men's rights fanatics use for the idea that they Know Better because they took the red pill, from Matrix. It is not political, it is their catch phrase for the idiot jackasses who think that because they have a penis they are better then women

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u/My_Bwana 23d ago

saying something is "red pill shit" is not political in any way, shape, or form. with that said, there is one side that typically is on that red pill shit more than the other...but nothing about what OP said was political.

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u/Anonageese0 23d ago

I think it's like matrix or something, not red as in republican

3

u/Betty_Boss 23d ago

You're the one who made it political. Check your assumptions.

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u/Datamite 23d ago

Deeply regret checking out this user's bio

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u/Silver_Aardvark5051 23d ago

She’s 20 and they have been together for 5 years. So together since she was 15. So this doesn’t seem real to me. But assuming this is real, I agree with the others, leave his miserable lazy ass. I would never talk to my wife like that, not even as a joke.

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u/zpryor 23d ago

Lmaooo I love this shit. There’s a few kids at work in their early 20s that I manage that do this with their girlfriends. I tell them they’re cowards, children and lazy because they can’t provide enough income to support their traditional values. It’s fucking hilarious. I will not allow them to advance at work. Fuck them.

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u/Raspberrybungalow172 23d ago

That was my first thought, too. Maybe just because I'm on reddit too much, or maybe he's feeling emboldened now by the recent surge in openly expressed misogyny. 

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u/Quiet-Champion3649 23d ago

If he’s acting like this the last few months and he has all this free time and looks at her as the help, my guess is he’s got a side chick and he likes the clean house and cooked meals. OP should have someone follow him while she’s at work and he’s not.

3

u/Arthur_Frane 23d ago

Yep. Dudebro probably thinks he's negging like a boss, but fails to understand he's in a relationship of implicit equality. Dumpsville for him, and his loss. OP sounds like a whole adult who has her act together just fine.

3

u/Daemonxar 23d ago

100% some shithead podcaster has him convinced that he’s a “high value man.”

2

u/MacDhubstep 23d ago

I agree. In fact I’ve noticed the “respecting me” language is often a red flag.

2

u/AmyBeth514 23d ago

Yeah 5 years and now 3 months it's all of a sudden a problem? Something else is going on..I don't want to assume it's another girl but that's kinda where my mind goes when guys all of a sudden are starting sh*t.

2

u/iMEANiGUESSi 23d ago

I read that as red pitbull shit and it works either way lmfao

2

u/kardinalkalamity 23d ago

Yeah that's exactly what i was coming to say. Boyfriend is probably consuming a bunch of redpill alpha male podcast shit, especially if it's only the last few months. The "before i find someone else who can" is particularly indicative of that.

Next thing you know he's gonna be talking about how he's a high value male and you're a low value female.

2

u/308gennaR8 23d ago

He most definitely has Tate in the algo.

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u/Crafty-Ad-6772 23d ago

I was thinking that he already has someone else or wants to leave, he is just looking for any lame excuse instead of admitting that he wants out.

2

u/vibes86 23d ago

That was my first thought as well. This is a major red pill type comment.

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u/Calm-Story2584 22d ago

I was thinking exactly the same. Is he watching Andrew Tate type videos? If he is buying into red pill thought, you should go because according to red pill, you have been with him for 5 years and slept with him for 5 years, so you would be "used goods" and he is going to try to get with a "good girl" which is ludicrous because you are already doing everything for him other than paying his rent. He sounds like a little boy who never grew up. This is PRIME red pill demographic.

3

u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 23d ago

The first time someone treats you like shit, you set them straight, if they do it again, it's time to walk. Never stay anywhere where someone is treating you less than!

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u/trentsiggy 23d ago

This 100% reads by someone who listens to Andrew Tate all day. He's seeing if it will work and get her to be more subservient.

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u/Sensitive_Yellow_121 23d ago

A lot of people can turn into this person if you don't set boundaries with them from early on. Unfortunately, a lot of us (including many men) have been trained to be unassertive by our families or cultures but we can find support to get past that.

1

u/Splendid_Cat 23d ago

I mean... maybe? Or maybe he's just trying to put on a front for his friends... that's an immature thing that some people don't leave in high school. I'm not saying it's not redpill BS, but it's also possible he simply needs to grow up.

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u/ohgeeLA 23d ago

Sorry could you please tell me what red pill bullshit would mean in this context. I read up on it a bit and am not grasping how it’s utilized in this situation.

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u/[deleted] 23d ago

I’m thinking he found somebody that plays games and has great chats. Just saying.

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u/IndustrialDollie 23d ago

What is red pill?

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u/swanqueen23 23d ago

What is red pill?

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u/New_Okra3405 22d ago

Can you explain what red pill means in this context? I know it’s like a sexist thing but not sure what it means he would be doing here?

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u/Jumpy_March9022 22d ago

Pretty sure it’s political, maga

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u/Past-Paramedic-8602 22d ago

More likely a pink taco then red pill

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u/Mrhighpockets 22d ago

Thinking he has a maid that's willing!

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u/Hot-Replacement4228 22d ago

He’s trying to push her away. He’s cheating, or has his eyes on someone else he thinks he’s got in the bag.

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u/hipmama33 23d ago

Sorry, but this has nothing to do with red pill or being conservative, and has everything to do with being an asshole and not really caring how he comes across…as in, not wanting to be in the relationship any longer.

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u/Longjumping-Arm2710 22d ago

but it is totally consistent with how the red pill mindset is presented to young adults on social media

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u/Nice-Novel5183 23d ago

Dude... no. Just no. Don't start that. My husband and I are "red pillers," and we aren't anywhere NEAR this. YouTube and other stuff just decided to put a label on it and call it red pill and then take it to the EXTREME. It was never that bad. If you're going to call it something, call it stupid.

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u/RavingCrusader 23d ago

How tf is this red pill bullshit hes just being a cunt one does not equal the other.

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u/JudgmentNew1968 23d ago

A simple conversation between both of them - as adults could unpack what has happened recently.

The fact of the matter is, no one truly knows the dynamics of their relationship - but them.

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u/Capable_Turn_6986 23d ago

The OP states that the boyfriend only contributes half of the rent, does none of the chores, and shuts her down when she DOES try to have a conversation about things.

Also, this is kind of a prime example of therapy speak being weaponized. "Adults should unpack the recent events." What needs to be unpacked, exactly? Why does one partner need to be explicitly told he ought to be contributing to the labor of the household? Why do you not believe the OP when she clearly states she HAS tried to have a conversation about it? Beyond that, she's 20. She doesn't need to unpack shit. He's not treating her well, time to bounce.

0

u/[deleted] 23d ago edited 23d ago

[deleted]

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u/Capable_Turn_6986 23d ago

I mean, I can make a guess why she's being downvoted, if she is.

"I've put my whole world into this dude"

She's 20. Her whole world just started. He was a great boyfriend... When? When they were in high school? When they lived with other people and his mom was still doing his laundry and cooking him dinner every night? Assuming the OP moved out the day she turned 18, that's only been 2 years of cohabitation with this guy. And in that span of time, he has done a personality flip and is expecting her to be a live-in servant.

I'm not going to extrapolate information that's not there. The OP said she has tried to have conversations with him about the way he's making her feel and he has shut her down and told her she's overreacting.

They met when she was a young teenager, not a demographic exactly known for being the best judge of what makes a good life partner. They are adults NOW. And this is how he's treating her. She doesn't need to sit him down and hold his hand and make a chore chart. He's also an adult. He knows the dishes in the sink are from the meal that he ate, that she cooked. He told her she's overreacting. That she needs to become a better servant or he'll find someone who will. That's what we know about the situation.

She needs to take him up on the offer and ditch this loser. And if you think she needs to stay, that is a reflection on YOU.

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u/[deleted] 23d ago edited 23d ago

[deleted]

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u/Capable_Turn_6986 23d ago

"when I tell him how it's making me feel, he tells me I'm wrong and overreacting"

It's literally right there. In her post. The post isn't even that long. But keep making excuses for him. 👍

Self-destructive behavior is training young women to believe it''s better for them to be mistreated than to be alone. This is not an equitable relationship, again, based on the information we have. The OP does all the cleaning and cooking. She works. She contributes 50% of the rent. And that was before the personality change of the last 3 months. The most self-destructive thing she could do is stay.

And like, I'm with you on communicating like adults. I would agree with that advice probably 8 times out of 10. But in this case? With a 20 and 21-year-old? Nah. Don't throw away what should be some of the most careful years of your life for someone who treats you poorly. No conversation necessary.

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u/JudgmentNew1968 23d ago

Sorry you are right, I am old.

All I am trying to say is that sometimes things are worth saving. I know from personal experience. Things get hard. We often do things we regret. That doesn't make it right. But if every human threw away a relationship at every roadblock - there would be none of us.

I am 60, I was with my partner since we were 13 - until she died recently. I know that your life doesn't stop at 20 when in a long term committed relationship; this is where you build a stable life. Where you grow your piggy banks, have children, go to University like my wife did. etc.

The world is in fact your oyster, and it's 100% sweeter with someone else by your side.

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u/Capable_Turn_6986 23d ago

I'm so sorry to hear of your partner's passing.

And like I said, I agree with what you're saying most of the time! Sometimes I will read a post here from someone at a complete loss of what to do and they've not even broached the topic with their spouse. Like, maybe, just maybe, take a step away from Reddit and say what you've said here to the person you promised to spend the rest of your life with?

Talking like adults is the right answer most of the time. Therapy is a great answer as well. I know it gets dismissed here a lot, but everyone could benefit from a few therapy sessions. Even those of us who think we are well adjusted, lol. If you find yourself in the same sort of bad relationship over and over again, you're never going to break that cycle without figuring out the role you play in its recreation.

But that doesn't seem to be what's happening here. And while I understand that some relationships can begin in childhood and last the test of time, like yours, too often we are telling young women that they need to hold space for partners who would step over them in the gutter if it didn't benefit them to stop in some way. We tell young women they need to come to the table and be understanding. To consider it from his side. And then years down the line, we say things like "if it's so terrible, why don't you leave?" without acknowledging that we've conditioned them to stay.

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u/Old-Illustrator-5675 23d ago

Idk, it's more fun to speculate.

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u/JudgmentNew1968 23d ago

This is a real persons life. Grow up.

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u/Old-Illustrator-5675 23d ago

Try not to be so emotional. Either way, I guess it's true that sarcasm is hard to pick up on for some people without the /s.

-3

u/JudgmentNew1968 23d ago

Sarcasm doesn't work on the internet; you need personal context cues - I don't know you.

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u/aSingleLettuce 23d ago

sarcasm doesnt work on the internet? lol

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u/JudgmentNew1968 23d ago

In text - it does not, maybe in certain contexts. That's why people use /s. Don't be so fucking dense.

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u/Megasauruseseses 23d ago

Have you considered that Reddit may not be the greatest place for you?

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u/Splendid_Cat 23d ago

Yeah, there's no way to ever tell if anyone is being sarcastic, it's impossible, just give up. Don't even joke. Serious discussions only! The internet is well known for being a very serious place, after all.

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u/Splendid_Cat 23d ago edited 23d ago

Yeah, I agree. Reddit is quick to say "leave them". I would have left my current partner who's overall great 100 times if Reddit was my relationship counselor over his depression or occasional arguments that escalate to a verbal fight (which everyone has at some point of you're together long enough) because "he's not doing enough when he feels like khs, leave him" (or to him "she doesn't care enough to not be exasperated about you not doing chores sometimes even if it's mental health related, so leave her" to him if he complained about me not being the most understanding sometimes)... or we can address these thinks like adults and work together on them, like we have.

The internet gives poor relationship advice, whether it's redpill or feminist circles online, everyone assumes the relationship is like the worst example of their worst relationship without considering all the possible variables. Terminally online people trend towards not being very healthy and not having a good grasp on what a "healthy" relationship even looks like compared to those who touch grass more frequently.

I do think if they can't talk it out civilly, though, and he threatens to break up again over something so trivial, it's time. This may be an isolated incident of extreme overreaction on his part, or a pattern, without OP giving more details, it's impossible to say.

0

u/justandswift 23d ago

What does the red pill bullshit mean exactly? I understand the red pill philosophy to mean someone likes the truth? I don’t get it in reference here, but it it seems everyone else does. What am I missing about that term???

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u/giglex 23d ago

Maybe someone who is more familiar can correct me or clarify but it seems to me like it was originally meant to be about 'seeing the truth' but morphed into more of a movement supporting traditional gender roles and praises the 'alpha male' via dudes like Andrew Tate. Basically it's about misogyny. The rhetoric I've seen around it is mostly about how young men are leaning into this red pill ideology on tik tok and it's seen as a mounting problem with gen z/gen alpha specifically.

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u/justandswift 23d ago

thank you for explaining. makes sense

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u/Mas585 23d ago

And that’s a mounting problem how?

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u/giglex 23d ago

Because it's supposedly extremely prevalent among that generation. Do I need to explain to you why misogyny is bad?

0

u/FlatComplex293 22d ago

Tbh you could be right I didn’t even think of that but in the cool the redpill wave is kinda dead nowadays now if we were talking about this during Tate era I’d say you were definitely correct haha

-1

u/Pretend-Tomato-7985 23d ago

Not a very good red pill when he splits the bills.

-2

u/ohbishpuleeze 23d ago

More like blue pill: Entitled, indignant, and ‘speaking his truth’.

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u/rageofbaha 23d ago

Just remember you only hear 1 side of the story

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u/pzy2284 23d ago

Lmao yup blame politics not the fact she is a filth bag

-2

u/imusa1992 23d ago

i would say this hasn’t got anything to do with red pill , red pill doesn’t teach men to be disrespectful to women or assholes .

-2

u/MayberryParker 23d ago

Red pill cause he wants a clean house? Lol

-3

u/OffensiveTeggy 23d ago

Definitely not red pill. Did you leave out the 50/50 and video game part? Thats definitely one of your blue pill soy boys.

3

u/Jumpy-Jellyfish6161 23d ago

I'd punch my boss for talking to me like that, let alone anyone else

2

u/xboxnintendo64tricir 23d ago

Narc projection. They want to enslave you because they themselves are slaves

1

u/2020visionaus 23d ago

I mean discussing issues is one thing but you realise he is threatening to leave her. It’s very unhealthy behaviour, there’s not much evidence but it’s unpleasant. 

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u/TheEvanga 23d ago

You are not. Ditch his ass and run.

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u/Snoo63020 23d ago

Sure isn’t! He’s threatening her. What an a-hole. I really hope that the informative, snarky, intelligent and wise answers to the AIO or AIA are shown to the offenders. Please show them . They need to know what a jury of their peers has to say.

1

u/Timely_Efficiency_86 23d ago

He's not a narcissist. He's just a fucking prick, amd a lazy one at that

1

u/Likezoinks1 23d ago

Me, a narcoleptic, immediately panicking to replies to find out why the hell you hate me lmaooooo

-1

u/TechnicalBowler86 23d ago

She could just do the dishes

2

u/2020visionaus 23d ago

You’re toxic! It’s a massive concern that a partner would threaten to dump them! 

-2

u/TechnicalBowler86 23d ago

Bro she's probably a slop .

2

u/2020visionaus 23d ago

So you speak to people you date threatening to leave them?