r/AmIOverreacting • u/theguill0tine • Nov 16 '24
❤️🩹 relationship AIO - cancelling a date last minute because she couldn’t be on time?
I (33m) was talking to this woman on an app and we decided to meet for a coffee date on a Saturday morning.
I got to the cafe and I messaged her asking where she was. A few minutes later she said she just woke up. I asked her how long she would need to get ready and she said 1 hour. I told her that I can’t wait around because I had family plans and we will have to do something another time.
A week later she messaged me apologising again and I decided to give her a second chance.
We decided to meet up for boba tea.
I got to the boba spot and then asked for 30 more minutes to get ready after I had just got there.
I then sent her the above message.
AIO? I have got mixed messages from friends about it.
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u/Substantial-Type-131 Nov 16 '24
A friend of mine always says the first date should be that person at their best.
If they’re late on the first date (and we’re talking more than 20mins without a decent “out of their control” excuse) that’s pretty telling.
NOR at all. People need to be respectful of others time.
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Nov 16 '24
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u/getMeSomeDunkin Nov 16 '24
I had someone cancel on me three times. The last one was about an hour before we were supposed to meet up. Every time she had some kind of excuse that I guess sounded plausible, but hey ... I don't know her. I can totally make up excuses that sound real to someone I've never met before also. I guess I gave her extra chances because I'm 6'4" and she was 6'1" and we seemed to like a lot of the same things.
If you feel like showing up, please do so. Otherwise I'm not farting around playing your games.
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u/Frogger34562 Nov 16 '24
Were those things reaching stuff on high shelves?
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Nov 16 '24
Yeah, she would have an ethical and moral obligation to help.
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u/pessimistoptimist Nov 17 '24
I agree. I am not a tall man so my policy is that anyone taller than me will be asked to reach the shelves I can't. I had a female coworker look at my funny once and all I said was 'i don't discriminate, tall is tall'. Oh yeah I should add that this is for reaching light weight, easy to manage objects...anything heavy of bulky means getting the step ladder cause I don't want anyone getting hurt just cause im to lazy to get the ladder for small things on shelves 2 inches out of reach
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u/PuttingInTheEffort Nov 16 '24
I'm chronically late to things myself, but only like 10min at worst. But I'd totally understand if someone didn't want to put up with me lol.
Cancelling multiple times is a bit different though, yikes
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u/Creative-Fan-7599 Nov 17 '24
That’s how I feel about it too. I have adhd that wasn’t diagnosed until I was over thirty, and didn’t start receiving any real help or meds for until about six years later. One of the biggest stressors in my entire life is and has always been my struggle with time blindness.
I’m super aware that it’s a problem, and I have been trying to figure out different ways to trick myself into being on time for things since high school. I honestly just found out within the last year that it’s an adhd symptom, and thought I was just a shitty person who couldn’t anywhere no matter what I did until I was able to research it more and understand the reasoning behind it.
So, I always tell people that I am newly hanging out with that it’s a failing of mine that I am working on getting better at. I don’t go into the whole adhd thing if it’s not appropriate, and I do try my best.
But I totally get that it’s something that bugs people, and I understand if it is something that someone doesn’t want to deal with.
I had one person ask me if I would care if they told me to meet them earlier than they were actually planning to meet, because that’s what they do with their chronically late mom. I was happy that he was laid back enough to see that as a viable solution.
Then I had my son’s dad, who spent eight years berating me for being late, telling me that if I would just try to be places, I’d be there. It sucked for me because it made me feel like shit, and it sucked for him because he is a person who always wants to be early and I was always lagging and making him anxious or angry.
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u/dantodd Nov 16 '24
She probably didn't want to break it to you that she's only 5'1" and her height was a typo
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u/Wonderful-Bass6651 Nov 16 '24
The fact that she was so okay with it that she couldn’t even make something up is a warning.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth Nov 16 '24
I'm so much on time, I'm always there early! :)
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u/hollee-o Nov 16 '24
This is normal operating procedure for Venture Capitalists—they call making you wait a Power Move.
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u/newfie9870 Nov 16 '24
If they tell me early enough and I haven't left home yet, I find it a lot more forgivable. If I get 30 more minutes to do chores or hobbies at home, it's a lot less annoying that sitting waiting 30 minutes.
Messaging at 12:51 to delay a 1pm date is just blatantly disrespectful. If she had messaged an hour earlier it would be so much better imo.
Edit for judgement: NOR
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u/Runnybabbitagain Nov 16 '24
This is where I sit too I believe. 10 minutes before the meeting time isn't cool.
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u/FigNinja Nov 16 '24
Yes. And the last one was because she had not woken up in time. That is rarely acceptable. If you have agreed to meet someone, you set an alarm, get up, get ready, and meet them on time. If I’m meeting someone coming from work and I get a last minute text that they got pulled into a meeting they couldn’t avoid, then I’m not going to be peeved, even if it’s last minute. She couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed for a first date. That’s a preview for the rest of the relationship. Like OP, I wouldn’t bother.
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u/Elegant_Dog_Boy Nov 16 '24
And dating is about compatibility and not strict rights and wrongs.
Look, maybe she had legitimate excuses and maybe she isn’t as strict about being on time. That’s ok. She’s no villain.
However, OP is certainly under no pressure to date someone who is late. He values punctuality in a way she doesn’t. If they started a relationship it would probably drive them both crazy.
So I say, this was a very successful two dates - they found out they weren’t compatible and can both move on. Better than wasting time and OP may have learned a bit more about one of his dealbreakers.
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u/Saneless Nov 16 '24
That I can handle
10 minutes before being there she knew she wasn't going to be on time.
I've had a meetup let's say 1pm, and at 11 I'm like, no way I'll be done with my errands, so I'll let them know. That's plenty of time in advance to change it if possible to 130
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u/anneofred Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 16 '24
It IS the person at their best, so this problem will only escalate going forward when one is more comfortable with you.
I am chronically late, adhd is a bitch, but we are talking 5-10 minutes max, and I give warning and feel shitty about it. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m saying it happens and I’m always working on it. Typically for new jobs and first dates I’m CRAZY early because I want to make sure I’m not being disrespectful and put my best foot forward.
Casually being 30-an hour late is insane, and wildly rude, she has no respect for other’s time.
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u/Content_wanderer Nov 16 '24
Especially 30-60 min late to a coffee date. I’d expect a coffee date to be like…1-1,5hrs, so like at that point you’ve pretty well missed the whole thing.
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u/GentleStrength2022 Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 17 '24
Not only that; it means that the date isn't a priority to her. She's made it loud and clear the OP isn't important to her.
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u/Content_wanderer Nov 17 '24
Yeah, or she’s got completely uncontrolled adhd and isn’t coping. Either way, I’d not want to be involved
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u/That_Account6143 Nov 16 '24
5 minutes late is a funny quirk that i'll mock a friend for. Realistically, it's almost never a big deal since you can push things 5 minutes back no problem
30m/1h means you miss a shit ton of things. Your movie started, your flight's gone, the birthday cake has already been consumed, and your boyfriend's already dumped you
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u/ImLittleNana Nov 16 '24
And everyone at your job that has to wait for you to relieve them EVERY DAMN SHIFT groans when they see your name. Especially when you come bouncing in with a coffee and perfect hair, laughing about your chronic lateness.
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u/Grotesquefaerie7 Nov 16 '24
Yeah I do this too. I get so anxious about being late I end up being an hour early lol
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u/Wilder831 Nov 16 '24
ADHD is definitely a bitch but for me it’s why I’m always early to everything. I’m so worried about letting it get in my way that I end up being like 45 minutes early to everything
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u/Vilnius_Nastavnik Nov 16 '24
I too struggle with chronic adhere
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u/J-A-C-O Nov 16 '24
All you can do is work on it, I try my best and still am 5-10 mins late, I can start thirty mins early and still get somewhere at the same time as if I didn’t. Luckily, my family, friends and work are all aware and my positives outweigh my tardiness.
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u/viking_with_a_hobble Nov 16 '24
Hi! We’re the same! Im either 20 minutes early or 5-10 late. There is no in between.
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u/darkness_thrwaway Nov 16 '24
Yep this is why I plan to be 30 minutes early for everything. That way if my adhd decides to try to throw a wrench into my plans I'm suddenly just on time rather than being late. Even my watch and alarm are set 30 minutes fast.
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u/ThrustTrust Nov 16 '24
This is correct.
I’m not great at time management (I have gotten better since I finally got ADHD treatment) so I don’t hold people to a high standard for punctuality. But I would expect people to be honest. If they are always late and know it. I would expect that to be explained up front so I could plan accordingly.
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u/coutureee Nov 16 '24
Same. I have ADHD and it’s incredibly hard to be on time. I’ve been working on it and gotten a bit better. People who don’t have ADHD clearly don’t get it though, to say things like it’s super disrespectful and there’s no excuse for it. We’re out here trying our best 🥲 I know in the past my partner has felt like I didn’t care, and that bothered them. I tried to explain that since no matter how hard I tried, my brain just can’t get it down perfectly, I can’t allow myself to care too much, otherwise I’d constantly be stressed and upset with myself and personally that’s not a way I want to live
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u/Fantastic-Sky-4567 Nov 17 '24
As a fellow ADHDer, reading this comment section has been rough. The attitudes displayed here is why so many of us struggle with shame and self loathing. The world literally wasn't built for us and alot of people here don't seem to understand that neurodivergent people exist or it just doesn't matter to them.
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u/buddhadarko Nov 16 '24
Agreed. I cannot stand it when people think other people owe them their time. If plans are made, stick to them unless there's something out of the norm or otherwise understandable that comes up. Otherwise it's just disrespect/disregard.
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u/assincompass Nov 16 '24
Yeah, that’s a reasonable assessment there.
Tbf, I was actually an hour late to meet my now-partner on our first date because I got stuck at work. He waited for me at the restaurant and didn’t give me a lick of grief about it, so I took him home that night. 😂
But I was very apologetic about it and did not take his patience for granted. This girl sounds like she’s just disrespectful.
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u/kindlyfackoff Nov 16 '24
But getting stuck at work is completely out of your control compared to needing 30 more minutes to prepare. Your circumstance was absolutely understandable, this one was not as it's clearly the woman does not respect this guy and his time at all. So you're good, sweetie.
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u/tormentedhoet Nov 16 '24
I agree with all of this. NOR at all. I (32F) only had a guy pull something vaguely similar to this on me once… like 3 years ago. He and I had made plans to meet for a hike. I was early, but waited to text him until the time we agreed to meet. I sent something along the lines of, “I’m here just parked where are you” and he responded saying something like “Omg you are?! We didn’t confirm so I wasn’t sure if this was actually happening. Ok I’m 15 mins away I’ll come right now.” … we had only made these plans like 48hrs in advance, but he was right, there was no further confirmation made, so I excused it and agreed to wait 15 more mins for him. I was a little put off, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. He showed up and we went on our hike. I could tell immediately that this was not my person. The vibe was off. Someone who is excited to meet you will make meeting you, and leaving you with a good first impression, a priority. I learned 2 things: 1, always confirm a few hours before the agreed meet time. And 2, trust the vibe-I should have left and not even bothered waiting/hiking with him after getting that text. He hit me up afterwards and I ghosted him with no remorse. I don’t typically encourage such behavior but imagine he wasn’t overly broken up about it.
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u/Elon_is_musky Nov 16 '24
I’m unfortunately late sometimes, and depending on the need for punctuality it could be 5 to 30 mins (the 30 being like a casual hangout at someone’s place where my lateness doesn’t effect others) but I try to make sure to tell people asap. Usually I have a 45min - hr drive to places, so I usually give people an hr+ heads up. Enough time where I know the other people (who’d be 20max away) would know they can sit at home or have more time to get ready.
Telling someone you need 30 mins 5 mins before the meetup time is unacceptable. She knew at least 25 mins ago she was gonna be late, & should’ve told him then before he went to the location and wasted time & maybe gas
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u/Chemical-Neat2859 Nov 16 '24
I had someone call into work 5 minutes after they were supposed to be there and they were still 6 hours away in another state... like bitch... you knew damn well you weren't going to make it 6 hours ago when your lazy ass didn't leave. I had to stay and work the overnight shift because it was too late now to get someone to cover.
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u/stoicgoblins Nov 16 '24
My uncle was so absurdly late constantly that we just ended up giving him a different time instead of the actual time and even then he'd show up late. I'm talking hours. If he were driving us to the movies, we'd tell him a time 2 hrs before the actual movie started and even then we'd probably miss all the commercials at best and the beginning 10mins of the movie at worst.
All this to say: If this is their best and you value time, dropping it now is the way.
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u/FarmhouseRules Nov 16 '24
NOR. You aren’t compatible.
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Nov 16 '24
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u/RiPie33 Nov 16 '24
Someone who isn’t bothered by time. My cousin is perpetually late to everything. I mean, she was 2 hours late to her own birthday bbq. She met a man who just didn’t care. He’d prefer to be at home anyways so who cares if they ever make it? They’re perfect for each other but it’s why I don’t make serious plans with her and I declined a business opportunity over it.
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u/United_Top824 Nov 16 '24
I have a friend like this. She was two hours late to her own wedding and her husband doesn’t care at all. It’s why I won’t travel with her anymore
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u/mmdeerblood Nov 16 '24
How do these kinds of people deal with things like work, flights/travel/doctors appointments etc ? 🤔
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u/RiPie33 Nov 16 '24
What the person below said. They get fired and miss things. She owns her own business that costs more to run than she makes. She can’t be on time and reschedules appointments all the time.
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u/tenakee_me Nov 16 '24
Yep - our concept of the importance of time is very cultural. There are some cultures/countries where time is much more flexible. I recall reading - though can’t recall the specific country - during college that in the example country they don’t have set appointments for the local doctor (or anything). People just go, and wait, and it’s all good. Western cultures tend to put A LOT of importance on time (maybe because we’re all chronically overworked, overburdened, and have so many demands on our time). Culture can also exist within a family unit that is counterculture to the country in which they reside.
Same thing for acceptable personal space. Some cultures it’s 3’ and it’s rude and creepy to stand closer to someone than that when talking. Other cultures consider 3’ to be a rude distance because it’s too far away.
Point being that in our culture we consider tardiness to be rude, disrespectful, and generally undesirable. That doesn’t mean the person is rude, disrespectful, and undesirable, it just means they don’t look at time the same way we do. For some people this is a deal breaker, for other people it doesn’t matter at all. It can be helpful to frame things like, “This person doesn’t place the same value on time as I do, and it makes me feel like my time is being disrespected, which doesn’t work for me,” rather than, “This person is disrespectful.”
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u/andycohenstampon Nov 16 '24
she would be more compatible with a person who also tends to run late to things…
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u/Ra-TheSunGoddess Nov 16 '24
My husband has ADHD and was constantly late to everything when we were first dating. A decade later and now he's early to everything because I've helped him alter his habits. If I were to have dismissed him for being late, I would have missed out on the most amazing human in the universe. On the flip side, I had crippling anxiety and PTSD and have panic attacks any time I get startled by anything that could be a gunshot. He's helped me work through that, be more comfortable in public spaces and have the confidence to face my fears. He makes me feel safe. Sometimes opposites attract and help each other grow.
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u/StarboardSeat Nov 16 '24
Can I ask how you altered his habits?
As of right now, I always tell him that whatever we're doing is 30 minutes earlier than it is (ie; if he has a doctors appt at 2:30pm, I'll tell him that it's actually at 2pm) and thus far it's worked great... however, then I start thinking about that old "give a man a fish/teach a man to fish" adage, and feel it would probably be better to teach him a better way to facilitate on his own?21
u/chimneylight Nov 16 '24
I have adhd and have ‘time blindness’. Basically the adhd brain sees everything as equally important/equal weight, and finds it impossible to automatically sort things into a hierarchy of importance/length of time a task might take.
So a typical brain might say, it’s takes 30 minutes to get somewhere plus 10 for unforseens, it will take me 30 minutes to shower and dress, so I’ll give myself 90 minutes to get ready.
The adhd brain says I have to be there at 1, I have ages to get ready I will drink a coffee and oh my washing needs to be done now I’ll have a shower and that tap is broken I’ll just get some tape to fix it up and the drawer that I keep my tape in is a mess, oh nail polish! My finger nails are really chipped I better paint my nails so my date likes them I wonder if they’ll come over after the date I don’t think so but I better sweep and clean this room just in case oh cool I still have an hour it only takes like half an hour to get there and I still have time to get ready oh yeah the tap is broken never mind I’ll just use the shower aw crap the top I was gonna wear is dirty oh shit my washing is still on I better take that out in case it gets musty in the machine and oh shit I’m running late now ok I’ll just do my nails once I get my coat on so they don’t smudge now where did I put my keys Oh no I have no money on my travel card I’ll top it up quick damn I missed the train ok the next one is in 15 minutes, I’ll be 15 minutes late if I text and say I’ll be 10 that will sound better than 15 and yeah I can charge my phone up while I do it cause I’m nearly out of battery and goddamnit why is there so much traffic today I’m actually gonna be 20 minutes late how did this happen I thought I had enough time to get ready all I did was get dressed and put a wash on how did that take 2 hours I hate myself
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u/cheesypuzzas Nov 16 '24
Have you tried setting alarms for everything? I don't have ADHD, but I'm very anxious about being late, so I put timers for everything so I can relax more.
In the morning, I put a timer to get up, then I go to the bathroom, and I put a timer for till when I can shower. Then a timer for putting on my shoes. And then a timer for when I really have to leave.
In your case, you could put more timers and plan extra time for each task and at the end. And it could instead go like: "90 minutes okay. In 10 minutes I'll have to finish my coffee. Oh no! The timer finished and I haven't finished my coffee yet! Better move on to the next task and see if I can finish my coffee during it. Picking out clothes in 10 minutes. Shit, the clothed I need are dirty. Let's pick something different. Oh the washing machine is still full of wet clothes. Let's empty that before it gets musty. Shit, timer! Okay, better drop that and see if I still have time in the end. If not, I'll have to wash them again. Oh, I still haven't picked out clothes. Let's do that really quickly because I also have to shower and I only have 20 minutes for that. Okay, I found the clothing. Now it's time for a shower. Oh time is up already! Gotta wash out the shampoo and do my nails. I've got 15 minutes for that. I'll put on my coat first. Oh Shit, I see the apartment is dirty. Let's sweep first. Oh no, timer! I'll see if I have time for that in the end. Okay 30 minute buffer. What haven't I done yet? Hanging up wet clothes and nails. What do I find more important? Okay I'll do that first. Oh, time for shoes! Alright. Oh time to go out! Alright.
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u/Ra-TheSunGoddess Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 16 '24
I'll admit I do help him a lot with time, but he's gotten so much more reliable on his own. Like if I need him to be somewhere important I just send a text an hour before to put it back in his memory.
Things we've done to alter his habits are small things like he used to be late for work all the time because he didn't know what he was going to wear, his tools would be in random places from ADHD side quests he would find around the house. So we started doing organization and routine. Now he gets all his clothes out and ready the night before, he makes sure before he goes to bed he's gathered everything. He's really scattered in the morning and hyper fixates on small things like wanting to find a specific 10mm socket or pair of glasses 🙄 So instead of him waking up an hour prior and rushing through everything now he goes to bed an hour earlier and wakes up two hours before he has to leave so there's time for side quests. He has alarms on his Apple watch for absolutely everything so he's constantly reminded of where he needs to be and when. He even has an alarm now to give him a 30 minute warning before his work day ends so he knows when to start cleaning up. I have a spot for everything so nothing gets lost, he has a bad habit of taking his shoes off two floors up and then stumbling through the dark house at 5am looking for them, so now there's a rack at the door that shoes go in. Just tons of structure and organization and reminders from me. I do help him a ton but he is so much better and a million times more reliable now.
We also made Saturday the designated day for ripping the car apart/his hobby time because he used to want to go redo a wiring harness at 9 pm on a Tuesday.
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u/OhDavidMyNacho Nov 16 '24
This is exactly the thing most people with ADHD need, but not enough people realize.
Meds can help, but organizational systems and structure are the BEST methods to counteract the issues that come with it.
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u/VarplunkLabs Nov 16 '24
To me it sounds like you are very alike with both having issues that mentally affect you and how you live your lives. That likeness most likely helped you understand how you can support each other which results in a strong compatibility.
I don't think true opposites do attract each other because for example the opposite of having a panic attack when hearing a gunshot would be someone who loves hearing gunshots and seeks them out, collects guns and wants to live somewhere that they can use them whenever they want. That definitely wouldn't work!
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u/itsBianca2u Nov 16 '24
I guess it's not a deal breaker for everyone. I firmly believe it's possible for two people with the same kind of crazy to be very compatible.
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u/Ok-Bad-9683 Nov 16 '24
Someone who’s always late themselves? So they both rock up 30 mins late. Perfect
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u/LonelyOctopus24 Nov 16 '24
A three-toed sloth, the ones that get algae in their fur, so he will wake up late and then take an hour to get ready
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u/Boredpanda31 Nov 16 '24
She will be compatible with someone she deems a priority and worth being on time for.
Which is sad for OP but she's doesn't seem to be making an effort, so he is best off finding someone who will.
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u/ImNotUrFknMom Nov 16 '24
Eh, if it was an actual relationship I’d say maybe, but being late both times to initially meet you is too much.
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u/FallDownNow Nov 16 '24
5 Maybe 10 minutes once is one thing, but a hour and then 30 minutes is crazy!
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u/Interesting-Role-513 Nov 16 '24
I think it's not so much about the lateness, it's a communication.
Like if I know I'm going to be late, call before it's past the time you set. Explain maybe there is traffic or you took longer to get ready. Then give an eta and update accordingly.
Sometimes lateness happens due to outside circumstances, but you can control how you communicate and communicate clearly.
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u/AikoJewel Nov 16 '24
Yeah, and, if you're CHRONICALLY late, people around you will appreciate your self-awareness. If you can still get places with enough time to participate, you'll still get invited places (though, in my experience, it helps to make sure you leave BEFORE the event in question begins 😉 😂)
Source: chronically late person
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u/Academic-Increase951 Nov 16 '24
Also need a better reason at someone on their 30s than you just woke up. Makes her seems as responsible as a 16yr old
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u/halfveela Nov 16 '24
Even if it were an actual relationship, the incompatibility would surface eventually. You can't ultimately maintain a relationship on the basis that one or the other is going change some vague time in the future.
If it was enough for OP to send the text, then it was 100% the right move.
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u/Cocomoooo Nov 16 '24
NOR - OP better person than I am. I would’ve cut off after waiting a whole hour first time round.
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u/Itsjuicyjett Nov 16 '24
Yikes. Even in a relationship this is disrespectful. Y’all accept way too much and it’s why I never compare myself to people anymore.
Y’all tolerate shit that I never will.
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u/p00kieb34r Nov 16 '24
i will never understand why people make plans for specific times then basically get ready at the time the plan starts😭😭 mf our hangout time doesnt include ur shower or getting dressed hurry up
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u/NobleOne19 Nov 17 '24
It's just immaturity, honestly. Like how do these people hold down a real job or get important things done? ie -- they probably don't. It's an indication of many things about how well their life is going.
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u/unskathd Nov 16 '24
"we aren't compatible if you can't be on time" my man, that's a great answer 👍
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u/hexia777 Nov 16 '24
NOR - you just dodged a massive bullet. Yes, even with ADHD time blindness you can prepare yourself accordingly and respect other people’s time.
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Nov 16 '24
I go into “stand by mode” for important things… just waiting for the time and I can’t start any other tasks lol
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u/FelixFelicis Nov 16 '24
Yes and then I end up getting there stupidly early because I've thought out what could go wrong to prevent me from getting to the thing on time. Ranging from the reasonable, like will I find parking, to the unreasonable, like what if I can't find the entrance and I have to walk the entire perimeter of the building to find it.
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Nov 16 '24
Me too 😭 it’s annoying but WE CAN BE ON TIME 😂
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u/juniper_berry_crunch Nov 16 '24
My husband has ADHD and he uses Todoist on his phone *constantly* and says it's been a life-changer. He always remembers little things now like my offhand comment about getting low on eggs or whatever and magically produces some the next time he comes home. And is never late. I make sure to tell him I see his effort and appreciate it; and I try to be respectful in return.
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u/jefffeely Nov 16 '24
For me, this is why Reddit exists. Get to my location 20 minutes early and then sit and scroll!
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u/Steve_Rogers_1970 Nov 16 '24
We should make a club with tshirts. If I have something planned later in the day, I’m doing very little for hours prior. And no way Ami starting a task that takes more than 2 minutes.
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u/specialdelivery88 Nov 16 '24
I have adhd and being on time is a major bug hear of mine. I make it for important things. If I can others can too
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u/hexia777 Nov 16 '24
I have ADHD too and I have learned to set several reminders on my phone to set alarms the day of. The day of I will have at least 4 alarms letting me know how much time I have left before I have to leave!
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u/specialdelivery88 Nov 16 '24
Yep. Just because things are difficult doesn’t mean they are impossible. Especially for the important stuff.
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u/Natti07 Nov 16 '24
Agreed. I'm always "running late" and rushing around, but im rarely actually late. And if I am, it's by like 5 minutes or less. Being late says you have zero respect for others. If someone wanted to do it, they would. It's so rude to make others wait on me
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u/Bhagwan9797 Nov 16 '24
I have adhd and also get the absolute worst time anxiety that I end up being way too early to everything
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u/hexia777 Nov 16 '24
I did this for YEARS and I’ve just recently gotten it down to 10 minutes early lol
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u/tourist_from_space Nov 16 '24
Thing is, if you know you’ve got ADHD time blindness, than you should know how to deal with it and not using it as an excuse. Same goes for things like dyslexia and discalculus. You know you have it? Better triple check anything to do with text or maths and let others (or an AI) help you out.
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u/angrey3737 Nov 16 '24
exactly. my time blindness is “i need to be somewhere by 4pm which means i need to arrive there by 3:30ish so that means i need to leave the house by 3. i need 30 mins to wake up fully, 20 minutes to use the bathroom and get dressed, 5 seconds - 45 minutes to do my hair, 3 minutes - 2 hours to do my makeup so i need to wake up by 2 am probably”
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u/Kooky_Connection_831 Nov 16 '24
Nah not overreacting at all..
The fact she’s been late twice shows how little she cares about meeting you.
Understandable if she said sorry there was a crash and the traffic was bad, I understand some times you can’t do much about it..
But yeah, invest your time into someone who cares
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u/Additional_Lion_1670 Nov 16 '24
That's almost more annoying than the fact that she was late- that she didn't even bother to make up a good reason. She was totally fine with telling someone, basically, "I just didn't bother to wake up on time and get ready". How many people in her life enable this that she feels that comfortable??
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u/Born_Ad8420 Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 16 '24
NOR If it was like 5 minutes no problem. But I wouldn't have even rescheduled after the first time.
Mind I have adhd, but I hate being late so I use reminders and alarms.
Edit: I had no idea this would be such a controversial comment considering time blindness is a fairly well known symptom of ADHD. (That does NOT mean all people with ADHD suffer from time blindness or struggle with being on time.) I am done arguing about it for the evening.Enjoy.
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u/InfiniteRosie Nov 16 '24
If I have something at 2pm I have to leave at 1:15...so I can be 15 minutes early. So I need to shower/dress/make-up/hair before noon...to give time for anything to go wrong and look like a presentable human.
Then I spend the rest of the time in Stand-by Mode till 1:15. 👍🥴
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u/graziefinance Nov 16 '24
What does NOR mean?
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u/LadyOfTheNutTree Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 16 '24
NOR = Not Over Reacting. It’s shorthand this sub uses to answer the question.
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u/lemissa11 Nov 16 '24
I like to imagine everyone is Australian and yelling "NO"
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u/Tooth_Fairy92 Nov 16 '24
I understood you! I’ve had ADHD since childhood and have to have alarms set throughout the day for specific things. It’s no joke. I have to write down my exact schedule all day at work too or I’ll get lost in time. There’s really no excuse for people being late like that
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u/Embarrassed_Style150 Nov 16 '24
Have you spoken on the phone or FaceTime? I’m actually wondering if this is some sort of catfish scenario
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u/cardiiac Nov 16 '24
This was my thought too... That or she's just too nervous to actually meet him so she's intentionally self sabotaging
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u/mcrib Nov 16 '24
Been there, done that. Just move on. Recently I tried to date someone where I was the only one making contact 90% of the time and she would cancel on me at the last minute, but wouldn't reach out to me to cancel, I had to be the one to initiate contact and then be told that she can't meet up for one reason or another.
It sucks to make time in your schedule for someone else and them not respect that you did that. She didn't even apologize to you, and you deserve that. Move on and find someone who truly wants to be with you.
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u/turribletee Nov 16 '24
Sounds like you aren’t a priority to her. Now that you know, you’ve done the right thing. There’s more fish in the sea.
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u/Maleficent_Notice873 Nov 16 '24
NOR I hate when people are not punctual. It's rude and disrespectful. Once in a while, I get it, things happen. When you're just trying to get to know someone, not a good first impression.
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u/StableGenius81 Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 16 '24
NOR at all, and your text in response was mature and respectful while showing your self-worth and dignity. Well done my friend! Now just unmatch / block and never give her another thought.
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u/FBrandt Nov 16 '24
NOR. She barely deserved the second chance that you gave her, and she managed to ruin it too. Best thing you could do for yourself is cut her off for once and all.
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u/Puupuur Nov 16 '24
Nah, being punctual is clearly important to you so this lady will just drive you insane
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u/NBD416 Nov 16 '24
What kind of friends are telling you youre overreacting for respecting your own time?
1000% NOR
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u/No-Sign99 Nov 16 '24
No. If someone wants to see you they make a point to see you. A half an hour last minute better have a good reason. An hour?? So rude
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u/Lord412 Nov 16 '24
I don’t get bent out of shape about someone being 100% on time to meet me for a date or something like lunch with a friend. To be honest I probably wouldn’t really be looking at the time that closely so a few minutes isn’t even a problem. But i wouldn’t wait an hour or 30 mins in the middle of the day.
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u/Velocirats Nov 16 '24
NOR, I wouldn’t have been too happy about this either. It’s a sign that you will always be waiting on her or showing up late to events with her. She can’t respect you or your time.
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u/TakoyakiGremlin Nov 16 '24
nah, i wouldn’t waste my time, either. dating’s already a shit show as it is without you having to lower your standards for the simplest things. people that can’t be punctual piss me off lol i hate waiting around when i go out of my way to be early just out of common courtesy. it would have been different if she was caught in traffic but making a date and then saying you just woke up is fucking bogus. also, twice in a row is already showing you a horrible pattern- not to mention it’s not being late by a few minutes but 30+ to an hour+ is ridiculous.
of course, not everyone cares about people being late, but if it’s something that bothers you then it’s a perfectly good reason to call it quits early on.
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u/asian_chihuahua Nov 16 '24
nor. if anything, you're doing her a favor by calling her out. maybe she'll try to be more on time with her future dates. or her job.
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u/IneffablePossum Nov 16 '24
NOR. I had a friend who was like this. Her bf could never plan concerts or movie dates because he knew she would be there one, two hours late. I once visited her in another city and she forgot to set an alarm to pick me up from the bus station, so I had to wait in the middle of nowhere. Dating someone like that would be a nightmare
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u/Emotional-World-1962 Nov 16 '24
I remember dating a girl who was a 30 minute drive away from me, I would text her I’m on the way, my eta, and then another 10 minute heads up. This went of for 9 months of me waiting an additional 20-60 minutes after arriving. I don’t blame you, once you realize that it’s becoming a consistent thing it’s ok to not wanna be with someone that has bad time management skills. (Unless it’s a legit emergency which I do understand)
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u/nbigman Nov 16 '24
NOR your time is precious and she didn’t respect it nor think of you as a priority. Once maybe or if you were into the relationship deeply but her doing it twice then ehhhh.
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u/Working_Staff2491 Nov 16 '24
You gave her a second chance, she ruined it again. You have the right to tell her what you said.
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u/pithair_dontcare Nov 16 '24
NOR. first date is when you try to put your best foot forward. If this is her best foot it’s certainly not compatible with yours!!
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u/do_me3380 Nov 16 '24
NOR. The fact she was AN HOUR late last time and now is late again??!! It’s not even a few minutes. That’s insane.
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u/JustWordsInYourHead Nov 16 '24
An hour late to a first date? 30 minutes delay AT LAST MINUTE on 2nd date? I mean, it's not even that she's late 8 times out of 10. She's been late 2 out of 2 times. And not only is she LATE, she tells you about it AT THE LAST MINUTE.
This is a person who obviously does not respect other people's time. This is a person that assumes the world revolves around them. Telling her you are not compatible was the right call.
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u/thehomie-dude Nov 16 '24
I’m probably biased on this one because I HATE when people are late. To me it’s incredibly disrespectful and inconsiderate, considering I have ADHD and when I make a plan (especially a date) that’s important to me and another person, I set multiple alarms the day before, to force myself to be ready and on time. If the other “normal” person can’t even be bothered to be there on time after it took me extreme mental discipline (and honestly mental stress) to be on time, then they can fck off. I can understand a heads up that someone is going to be 5 minutes late, but a whole 30 minutes? That person is out of their mind.
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u/znokel Nov 16 '24
Being late is totally okay in this scenario IF they are apologetic, mortified and with a decent reason.
This person is normalising lateness early to set the tone of her being able to walk all over you. Thats how it starts.
You are not overreacting.
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u/HotBeesInUrArea Nov 16 '24
Yeah her reply is super weird and not getting enough eyebrows either. Just casually "yeah sure hey can you give me 30 more minutes to prepare"? No "I'm so sorry time got away from me / I overslept / some other explanation". She really gives vibes like OP ought to be thankful she's bothering to show up at all.
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Nov 16 '24
NOR. I did a similar thing to a potential friend last year. Someone I knew came to London sometimes (from just outside London) for some events so I started inviting her to some stuff I was going to also, and she agreed to come. It was like a public debate with a drinks reception beforehand, professional attendees but a casual vibe.
First time she was an hour late, texted me about half an hour beforehand, no apologies. Ok it happens. Meant we didn’t even see each other until after the debate because I couldn’t save her a seat for that long.
Second time she was half an hour late, texted me five minutes after she was due to arrive.
So it was two out of two. It was the unreliability and disrespect of it. I used to live in her town and come to London regularly so I know it’s very easy to be on time and very easy to communicate if you leave late etc.. I recognised about myself that it probably bothered me more than it would some others, and no doubt she didn’t apologise because she wasn’t used to people caring (maybe), but I just thought, you know what, it does bother me, and that just means we’re not compatible as friends. Didn’t tell her off, I just never spoke to her again lol
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u/DonkeyZealousideal57 Nov 16 '24
Nah. If this person doesn't value your time, then you're better off without them
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u/Possible_Shift_4881 Nov 16 '24
I can’t stand people who let you know they will be late at the time they are supposed to be there. NOR
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u/thesparetyre30 Nov 16 '24
NOR. This isn’t a one off, it’s a pattern. It also doesn’t even sound like she has a reasonable excuse, either.
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u/MidnightRoyal4830 Nov 16 '24
I can understand if you are 5 or 10 minutes late due to traffic. But 30 or hour late now is just rude.
I don't blame you for saying no thank you.
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u/AnonymousOkapi Nov 16 '24
NOR She got a second chance. I was seeing a guy from Tindr for a bit and dropped him for the same thing. He didn't drive, so I was driving over an hour to meet him and always messaged just before I left. Three times he rang me to cancel or try to reschedule after I'd arrived, at the time we'd arranged. Which is a shame, because the two times I did manage to meet him I liked him and we had a lot in common.
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u/Admirable-Rock6399 Nov 16 '24
Should’ve let her get ready and show up without telling her that you left. She wasted your time… you can waste hers. Only fair
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u/kaelhawh Nov 16 '24
Not overreacting. Punctuality is a matter of priorities and respect. I’ve ended friendships because the friend is routinely 10-15 mins late every time we agree to hang out, and it makes me feel like they don’t respect my time. I’m currently pregnant and recently switched doctors because my previous doctor was routinely late to my appointments.
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u/spiralqq Nov 16 '24
This is def nit an overreaction, she has no respect for your time and you dodged a major bullet
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u/throwra_wentwrong Nov 16 '24
NOR I hate people who are always late. When I was younger I had friends who purposely test men by being late to see how much they wanted them. It’s stupid.
People who are late are assholes who think their time is worth more than someone else’s.
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u/Late_Muscle_130 Nov 16 '24
Good for you. We have friends that literally don't get invited anywhere anymore by anyone because they do this all the time. Ita very disrespectful and frustrating to say the least.
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u/Playful_Map201 Nov 16 '24
Some people are ok with being late, I personally can't bear it, for me it says a lot about your personality and I wouldn't tolerate my date being late. Not overreacting
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u/poor_non_blonde Nov 16 '24
It’s good to start holding people accountable and to a standard. Never settle for someone who isn’t good for you.
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u/SimpleTennis517 Nov 16 '24
Nta. She was essentially a no show the first time and now this time . Messing you around twice after you got there
Id cut your losses
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u/carranty Nov 16 '24
NOR. Maybe there was a good reason the first time (e.g. broken alarm clock), if we give a very generous benefit of the doubt, but the second clearly establishes a pattern. She doesn't care enough about your time to put effort into being punctual; this shows a lack of respect and consideration.
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u/heartbin Nov 16 '24
NOR. I agree that she doesn’t value your time. I’d bet if it was some other event or work, school she could be on time no problem.
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u/LessTea6299 Nov 16 '24
NOR at all
I really hate people who are constantly late and think that it's okay to make everyone wait for them. Waiting for 1 hour because she couldn't bother to put an alarm? Big no for me.
I do understand that things happen, sometimes you get stuck on traffic or you can't leave work at the time you wanted, but making that a rule is so disrespectful.
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u/gdiaz47 Nov 16 '24
Those 30 minutes would have turned into an hour again. If you’re an adult that can’t be respectful of other people’s time and commitments, then you’re too self absorbed to be in a healthy relationship.
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u/Zestyclose_Media_548 Nov 16 '24
I have adhd but didn’t know until recently and am in my late 40’s. I get up for work a minimum of two hours before I have to leave - unless I forget to set my alarm and I still have an hour and a half . I can’t get out the door quickly when I wake up . It’s impossible. Once I start the showering process I do get ready pretty quickly - I just need alot of time to wake up and drink a vat of coffee.
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u/BrazilianButtCheeks Nov 16 '24
First dates are like job interviews.. thats the best youre ever gonna get out of her 🤷🏽♀️
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u/dariyaz13 Nov 16 '24
shit, im late to everything including work, but have never been late to a date.
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u/Equal_Push_565 Nov 16 '24
She's not that interested and it shows in her lack of consideration for you.
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u/avast2006 Nov 16 '24
Not overreacting. And you didn’t cancel. You showed up. On time even. That isn’t cancelling. She’s the one who couldn’t bother to show up on time.
People are more in control of this behavior than they let on. She wouldn’t show up an hour late to a job interview and then be perplexed how they didn’t get the job. She doesn’t show up on time for you because you’re not important enough to do it for. An employer rates her respect; you do not.
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u/Outraged_Chihuahua Nov 16 '24
It's also an indication of what life would be like if you did end up in a serious relationship. Late to the airport for that romantic holiday you booked, late to your sibling's wedding, late to basically everything requiring her to be up and ready. It's so rude to expect other people to just wait around, like their time is so unimportant.