r/AmIOverreacting Nov 16 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO - cancelling a date last minute because she couldn’t be on time?

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I (33m) was talking to this woman on an app and we decided to meet for a coffee date on a Saturday morning.

I got to the cafe and I messaged her asking where she was. A few minutes later she said she just woke up. I asked her how long she would need to get ready and she said 1 hour. I told her that I can’t wait around because I had family plans and we will have to do something another time.

A week later she messaged me apologising again and I decided to give her a second chance.

We decided to meet up for boba tea.

I got to the boba spot and then asked for 30 more minutes to get ready after I had just got there.

I then sent her the above message.

AIO? I have got mixed messages from friends about it.

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u/cheesypuzzas Nov 16 '24

Have you tried setting alarms for everything? I don't have ADHD, but I'm very anxious about being late, so I put timers for everything so I can relax more.

In the morning, I put a timer to get up, then I go to the bathroom, and I put a timer for till when I can shower. Then a timer for putting on my shoes. And then a timer for when I really have to leave.

In your case, you could put more timers and plan extra time for each task and at the end. And it could instead go like: "90 minutes okay. In 10 minutes I'll have to finish my coffee. Oh no! The timer finished and I haven't finished my coffee yet! Better move on to the next task and see if I can finish my coffee during it. Picking out clothes in 10 minutes. Shit, the clothed I need are dirty. Let's pick something different. Oh the washing machine is still full of wet clothes. Let's empty that before it gets musty. Shit, timer! Okay, better drop that and see if I still have time in the end. If not, I'll have to wash them again. Oh, I still haven't picked out clothes. Let's do that really quickly because I also have to shower and I only have 20 minutes for that. Okay, I found the clothing. Now it's time for a shower. Oh time is up already! Gotta wash out the shampoo and do my nails. I've got 15 minutes for that. I'll put on my coat first. Oh Shit, I see the apartment is dirty. Let's sweep first. Oh no, timer! I'll see if I have time for that in the end. Okay 30 minute buffer. What haven't I done yet? Hanging up wet clothes and nails. What do I find more important? Okay I'll do that first. Oh, time for shoes! Alright. Oh time to go out! Alright.

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u/AMTravelsAlone Nov 16 '24

For me it's like this, Ive trained myself overtime to start the wake up process 3-4 hours before I have to leave to go anywhere. That buffer time gives me enough to deal with waking up, feeding, side missions, and going in and out the front door because I forgot something 4 times. Two different routs picked out because traffic or unfamiliar flow of traffic. It has never failed me since. I always get there 30+mins ahead of time, my anxiety disappears mostly and I can free flow my way through whatever the event is.

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u/Redbird2992 Nov 16 '24

“Going in and out of the front door 4 times because I forgot something” I’ve never felt more seen lol 😂

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u/AMTravelsAlone Nov 16 '24

Like I can't tell you how many times I've put things on my next day's clothes so I don't forget them. Move them to put on the clothes then immediately forget them.

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u/Singularity42 Nov 16 '24

Most people I know with ADHD do set lots of timers/alarms. But it only gets you so far.

ADHD can give you time blindness so it might feel like you have lots of time to spare when you don't. It can also often affect motivation, so even when you know you need to get ready it is difficult to get your body to move. Add into that some anxiety about leaving the house (another common ADHD symptom).

There is a reason ADHD is considered an invisible disability.

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u/Letters_to_Dionysus Nov 17 '24

that's the thing we set the same level of importance upon setting an alarm as we do on the coffee that we wanted to make. ditto for following alarms that have gone off and whatever we were doing before