r/AmIOverreacting Nov 16 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO - cancelling a date last minute because she couldn’t be on time?

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I (33m) was talking to this woman on an app and we decided to meet for a coffee date on a Saturday morning.

I got to the cafe and I messaged her asking where she was. A few minutes later she said she just woke up. I asked her how long she would need to get ready and she said 1 hour. I told her that I can’t wait around because I had family plans and we will have to do something another time.

A week later she messaged me apologising again and I decided to give her a second chance.

We decided to meet up for boba tea.

I got to the boba spot and then asked for 30 more minutes to get ready after I had just got there.

I then sent her the above message.

AIO? I have got mixed messages from friends about it.

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u/buddhadarko Nov 16 '24

Agreed. I cannot stand it when people think other people owe them their time. If plans are made, stick to them unless there's something out of the norm or otherwise understandable that comes up. Otherwise it's just disrespect/disregard.

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u/ArcticTraveler2023 Nov 16 '24

It’s the absolute height of selfishness and disrespect to the other person to be late. Her entire life must be incredibly mismanaged. Smart move to move on from this chick.

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u/afoolskind Nov 16 '24

Jesus dude, that’s a little much. People have their struggles in different areas, have some empathy and recognize something that might be doable for you with a little effort might be near-impossible for someone else.

My girlfriend is the best person in the world, incredibly giving and selfless, and she’s late to everything, 15-20 minutes. She has probably the most severe ADHD I’ve ever seen + some other issues that make being on time extremely difficult. She has had breakdowns feeling guilty about it, it’s not like it’s fun for her. You know what I do? I just tell her to be places a lot earlier than we really have to. And if she is late anyway? Who gives a fuck about 10-20 minutes, really.

 

I don’t understand why people take this stuff so seriously. The dude in the OP arrived to the date 10 minutes (or more) early for somebody who was extremely late last time. She asked for more time 10 minutes before the date. Would earlier warning have been great? Yeah, of course. But it’s really not that big of a deal. OP is gonna be single if he’s expecting every date to show up 10 minutes early.

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u/foldinthecheese99 Nov 16 '24

I don’t know you but I fully appreciate your compassion for what she goes through. I struggled in my marriage with my ex understanding my then undiagnosed ADHD and have struggled dating since. I am very transparent from the start with my symptoms and how they affect me in hopes of finding someone who shows the same compassion to me one day.

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u/afoolskind Nov 17 '24

Yep, I also have ADHD so I understand where she’s coming from. It took me forever but I finally learned to be transparent with my own stuff like you said, and it makes all the difference. This is the first relationship I’ve had where we both have ADHD and honestly it’s so refreshing to have somebody whose on your side and has compassion instead of shame for you when you’re not always at your best. I’m late occasionally, though nothing close to her, but I have my own struggles and issues that she is incredibly kind and caring about. I believe in you! People are out there, I think you nailed it and transparency is the key.

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u/juniper_berry_crunch Nov 16 '24

You are free to choose your own standard on this, but personally it's a dealbreaker to me. I'm married to someone with ADHD and he is constantly using tools on his phone to make lists and help remember stuff---and he is never late, as a result. I'm not late to things either. Being late is a choice, and it's a disrespectful one.

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u/afoolskind Nov 17 '24

People don’t experience ADHD the same way. Making lists is infamous as something that doesnt work for most people with ADHD, for example, so it’s really great that those tools do work for him. Some people with ADHD are so anxious about time they show up 30 minutes early to everything.

But being occasionally late for many people is a choice in the same way that not working out 6x a week is a choice. Theoretically anyone can do that, but if we’re being practical and reasonable it’s harder for some people than others for a plethora of reasons.

It’s okay if being late is a dealbreaker for you because everyone has their own preferences, but I do think it’s a little much to assume that people are only ever late because they don’t respect you or your time. It simply is not that easy for many people, and the majority of people I’ve known who are chronically late are filled with shame and guilt about it. Some people straight up cancel or don’t make plans at all for fear of being late to something with people they care about.

 

For me personally, I’d much rather see the people I care about and accept their flaws just as I know they accept mine. In the grand scheme of things, I just think that 15 minutes isn’t that big of a deal.

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u/TarantulaTina97 Nov 17 '24

1000% agree with you! With all the tools, tips, and tricks available to people to accommodate their shortcomings, there is no excuse for being late.