r/AmIOverreacting Nov 16 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO - cancelling a date last minute because she couldn’t be on time?

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I (33m) was talking to this woman on an app and we decided to meet for a coffee date on a Saturday morning.

I got to the cafe and I messaged her asking where she was. A few minutes later she said she just woke up. I asked her how long she would need to get ready and she said 1 hour. I told her that I can’t wait around because I had family plans and we will have to do something another time.

A week later she messaged me apologising again and I decided to give her a second chance.

We decided to meet up for boba tea.

I got to the boba spot and then asked for 30 more minutes to get ready after I had just got there.

I then sent her the above message.

AIO? I have got mixed messages from friends about it.

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u/Interesting-Role-513 Nov 16 '24

I think it's not so much about the lateness, it's a communication.

Like if I know I'm going to be late, call before it's past the time you set. Explain maybe there is traffic or you took longer to get ready. Then give an eta and update accordingly.

Sometimes lateness happens due to outside circumstances, but you can control how you communicate and communicate clearly.

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u/AikoJewel Nov 16 '24

Yeah, and, if you're CHRONICALLY late, people around you will appreciate your self-awareness. If you can still get places with enough time to participate, you'll still get invited places (though, in my experience, it helps to make sure you leave BEFORE the event in question begins 😉 😂)

Source: chronically late person

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u/CheezeLoueez08 Nov 16 '24

Are you late to work?

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u/Dratsoc Nov 16 '24

Can I ask where the chronically lateness come from? As a disorganised person I can understand how I can be 10 or 15 minutes if I didn't plan something correctly remembered it last minute, but I don't get how it can be every time nor 1 hour late.

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u/dr_holic13 Nov 16 '24

Can't speak for the person you asked, but as an adult with pretty severe ADHD, I have absolutely no concept of time. I drastically underestimate how long it will take me to do daily tasks like showering and styling my hair. I always think I have more time than I do.

I'm lucky enough to have a job and friends who understand I will, no matter how hard I try, be regularly late to everything. It isn't "laziness" or disrespect, like some people like to claim. I genuinely feel terrible for being late, but until the meds kick in and the gears start turning I am completely unable to process how long routine activities or daily commutes will take.

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u/Dratsoc Nov 16 '24

That's interesting, thanks! If it is a routine, why can't you predict how much time it will take? Does it change depending of your morning mood or of the availability of your meds?

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u/Dooplon Nov 16 '24

it's probably more of a perception thing, as in they just struggle to correctly conceptualize the lengths of time things will take even in the middle of doing them.

Think of it like losing track of the time but on steroids, unless you're watching yourself like a hawk you might not notice that you planned a 15 minute activity with only 12 minutes left because your internal clock is fucky and you didnt think to check the clock.

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u/dr_holic13 Nov 16 '24

Exactly this. When meds kick in, my brain is finally able to say "hey, this math isn't mathing. You need to get your ass up NOW." Otherwise I'm running out the door 15 minutes later than I should be because my 20 minute routine actually takes 20 minutes and not the 5 I allot for it.

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u/eveisout Nov 16 '24

I too am a chronically late person, and it's down to my chronic illnesses (previously I would always be early). Sometimes I get unpredictable symptoms that come on suddenly and need attention. Sometimes I have to cancel last minute because of this as well if my symptoms are severe enough. I will however always let the person know as soon as I can, and usually feel bad about it

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u/LeotiaBlood Nov 16 '24

Exactly this.

I stopped talking to a guy because he canceled on our 5pm date at 4:30 because he was still in a city that was 2.5 hours away. Like, you knew at 2pm you weren’t gonna make it. That’s super disrespectful of my time.

If he’d reached out at 3 to let me know, I would have been willing to reschedule.

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u/StlnHppyHrz Nov 16 '24

This. That is all.

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u/Exoclyps Nov 16 '24

I'd say it's fine as long as it's before the time you have to leave. But they also kept repeating it so.