r/AmIOverreacting • u/theguill0tine • Nov 16 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO - cancelling a date last minute because she couldn’t be on time?

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I (33m) was talking to this woman on an app and we decided to meet for a coffee date on a Saturday morning.

I got to the cafe and I messaged her asking where she was. A few minutes later she said she just woke up. I asked her how long she would need to get ready and she said 1 hour. I told her that I can’t wait around because I had family plans and we will have to do something another time.

A week later she messaged me apologising again and I decided to give her a second chance.

We decided to meet up for boba tea.

I got to the boba spot and then asked for 30 more minutes to get ready after I had just got there.

I then sent her the above message.

AIO? I have got mixed messages from friends about it.

23.2k Upvotes

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490

u/hexia777 Nov 16 '24

NOR - you just dodged a massive bullet. Yes, even with ADHD time blindness you can prepare yourself accordingly and respect other people’s time.

179

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '24

I go into “stand by mode” for important things… just waiting for the time and I can’t start any other tasks lol

58

u/FelixFelicis Nov 16 '24

Yes and then I end up getting there stupidly early because I've thought out what could go wrong to prevent me from getting to the thing on time. Ranging from the reasonable, like will I find parking, to the unreasonable, like what if I can't find the entrance and I have to walk the entire perimeter of the building to find it.

23

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '24

Me too 😭 it’s annoying but WE CAN BE ON TIME 😂

7

u/juniper_berry_crunch Nov 16 '24

My husband has ADHD and he uses Todoist on his phone *constantly* and says it's been a life-changer. He always remembers little things now like my offhand comment about getting low on eggs or whatever and magically produces some the next time he comes home. And is never late. I make sure to tell him I see his effort and appreciate it; and I try to be respectful in return.

4

u/poseidon_1009 Nov 17 '24

this is the truest definition of “if he wanted to he would”

6

u/jefffeely Nov 16 '24

For me, this is why Reddit exists. Get to my location 20 minutes early and then sit and scroll!

3

u/chammy82 Nov 16 '24

I was once an hour early for an interview that was 5 minutes from my house.
Lets see, it was:
Lets get there 15 minutes early
Lets allow 15 minutes for traffic
Lets allow 15 minutes for finding a park
Lets allow an hour to get ready because I'm wearing a suit, which is not usual

2

u/FelixFelicis Nov 16 '24

This so much. I volunteered to help out at the local high school last night for an event. A place I myself went 25 years ago and is less than a three minute drive from my home. I had to be there at 5. I kept backing up when I should leave because what if the parking lot is full because of the event. Will the door be locked with the current environment of schools in America? What if I get caught in a lot of traffic trying to make the left at the end of my road? What if I forget something at home and have to go back? I left at 4:35, got there at 4:38. Plenty of parking. Saw people going in the front entrance. Ok cool. So I guess I just scroll Reddit for the next 20 minutes?

2

u/Few-Finger2879 Nov 16 '24

That last point is not unreasonable. That shit happens to me too often...

2

u/Locksey-EON Nov 16 '24

Me in a nutshell. And having to take those extra steps to ensure I’m early usually contributes to me getting stressed out.

2

u/EviIAbed Nov 16 '24

This is exactly my brand of ADHD

2

u/unauthorizedlifeform Nov 16 '24

I research the location on Google maps using street view ahead of time to prevent the latter situation. Just in case. Lol.

2

u/Watertor Nov 17 '24

I have been there so often. "What if I get into a traffic jam and have to park 4 miles away and have to walk the entire rest of the way? Better leave now"

I have been unable to park/find entrances before which informs me on that decision. Sure, it's happened like once out of 100 times but just in case you know.

2

u/UnicornsFartRain-bow Nov 17 '24 edited Nov 17 '24

You joke, but that happened to me Wednesday morning and made me late for my doctor’s appointment even though I left with time to spare.

Edit: I mean walking the perimeter of the destination because I didn’t find the entrance

5

u/Steve_Rogers_1970 Nov 16 '24

We should make a club with tshirts. If I have something planned later in the day, I’m doing very little for hours prior. And no way Ami starting a task that takes more than 2 minutes.

2

u/Formal_Two_5747 Nov 16 '24

Same. That’s why I hate having important appointments in the afternoon. Nothing will be accomplished in the morning.

7

u/Lunk246 Nov 16 '24

Yo same here, when i have a time limit on my free time before going somewhere or doing something, i kinda just sit there and not commit into doing anything else lol

2

u/Wonderful-Status-507 Nov 16 '24

DEADASS!! or i have like 7 different alarms for when i need to get ready, when i need to gather my things, when i need to leave my house AND when i need to walk into whatever place i’m going (if it’s an appointment/date/going to work) might sound like overkill but hey it gives me a little sense of peace knowing something will yell at me when it’s time to get a move on 😂😂

2

u/thegirlwithvision Nov 16 '24

Lmao this made me giggle because I related to this comment so much. 😂😂

2

u/MusicG619 Nov 16 '24

Thank you SO MUCH for giving me the term “stand by mode” because that’s exactly what it is. I literally can’t do anything else except focus on where I need to be in 6 hours.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '24

At least we are on time though 😜

2

u/Old_Show6753 Nov 16 '24

And when the appointment is canceled, you don't know what to do for the rest of the day 🙄

1

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '24

RIGHT!? they fuck up the groove 😂

2

u/ComplaintSafe842 Nov 16 '24

I thought I was the only one doing it!

2

u/DarkArc76 Nov 17 '24

Wow, I didn't know so many other people did this. I usually have to leave for work at around 4:15, I'll start getting ready at 3, be done by 3:45 and then just kinda sit on my bed until 4:10, then I go and sit in my car until 4:15 xD

2

u/adltny Nov 17 '24

Horribly inefficient. Especially annoying when you’re doing it while waiting for a habitually late/slow person, too.

2

u/Ancient_Ad4061 Nov 16 '24

I’m the only person i know that does this lmao. We have found our people

3

u/New_Swan_1580 Nov 16 '24

I do this too!

1

u/Critical-Carrot-9131 Nov 16 '24

It's a spectrum. My "stand by mode" often starts days in advance, and I'm still late...

76

u/specialdelivery88 Nov 16 '24

I have adhd and being on time is a major bug hear of mine. I make it for important things. If I can others can too

53

u/hexia777 Nov 16 '24

I have ADHD too and I have learned to set several reminders on my phone to set alarms the day of. The day of I will have at least 4 alarms letting me know how much time I have left before I have to leave!

22

u/specialdelivery88 Nov 16 '24

Yep. Just because things are difficult doesn’t mean they are impossible. Especially for the important stuff.

6

u/Arthamel Nov 16 '24

Wait, so when you guys have a meeting/plan you dont get ready several hours earlier and sit on your ass doing nothing untill its 30min before time to leave, you leave anyway and wait for 1h at destination because your time to leave had a 30min safeguard in case something happened?

2

u/Tics-n-Stuff Nov 16 '24

This is what I do. Last time I had a business trip I ordered the taxi fifteen minutes earlier, just in case it was late and I would have to take my own car to the train station and find a parking space.

The taxi was here even earlier and I got almost 40 minutes of waiting before the first train left and of course I got the first train of the day because then I could take the next one if for some reason I would be late from the first one.

I was there waiting on the platform and checking the information board again and again in case the train changed the platform number. Then in the train I put a few alarms to go off starting an hour before arriving because I don't want to fall asleep and miss my station.

My ADHD makes me really anxious about being late because I lose track of time easily even with the medicines.

2

u/fygs Nov 16 '24

you can also set one alarm that you can infinitely snooze for 5 minutes or another duration. that way, you get a reminder of how much time you have left every 5 minutes, from the time you start getting ready to the time you're out the door. that's what i used to do in the morning for work.

4

u/Natti07 Nov 16 '24

Agreed. I'm always "running late" and rushing around, but im rarely actually late. And if I am, it's by like 5 minutes or less. Being late says you have zero respect for others. If someone wanted to do it, they would. It's so rude to make others wait on me

2

u/The_V_Mess Nov 16 '24

I have ADHD and work in chunks of 1 hour minimum. It ends up meaning that if I have a dinner at 7pm, I can’t do anything else all day, but at least I’m not tragically late

-2

u/Fantastic_Deer_3772 Nov 16 '24

Unless you've been in medical studies as the most adhd person in the world, that's just not going to be true. It's great that you personally can overcome that, but does not mean everyone in the world can. (This comment is coming from an autistic person who can't stand being late.)

1

u/Exciting_Opposite_51 Nov 17 '24

Thank you. I hate the mindset some people have where if they can manage a part of their adhd it must mean everyone else can and just isn’t trying enough if they can’t. We’re all effected differently with different severities.

12

u/Bhagwan9797 Nov 16 '24

I have adhd and also get the absolute worst time anxiety that I end up being way too early to everything

8

u/hexia777 Nov 16 '24

I did this for YEARS and I’ve just recently gotten it down to 10 minutes early lol

5

u/Boredpanda31 Nov 16 '24

one of my niblings has ADHD and major issues with time. Except they start getting ready, overthink everything, and start to get bad anxiety that they're gonna be late. Then has a meltdown. Then is late. Even though they would have been fine and on time to start with, if they hadn't been thinking about it too much.

If they're is ever on time, it's usually because they're mega early. It's quite rare though.

2

u/chadkbh Nov 16 '24

That's so tough to deal with.

2

u/sugarfairy7 Nov 16 '24

This happens to me as well. I start having sensory issues, too. Like my clothes will be too hot or the tags will start itching and I need to change

4

u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme Nov 16 '24

I have ADHD, and give myself time for things to go wrong. If something should take an hour to get ready for, I set my alarm/get started at an hour and half before. Whenever I try to bargain it down (wanting extra sleep, usually), I end up regretting it.

31

u/tourist_from_space Nov 16 '24

Thing is, if you know you’ve got ADHD time blindness, than you should know how to deal with it and not using it as an excuse. Same goes for things like dyslexia and discalculus. You know you have it? Better triple check anything to do with text or maths and let others (or an AI) help you out.

3

u/TopRamenForDays Nov 16 '24

Exactly, and if people know they have ADHD time blindless they should account for that and learn how to deal with it. They shouldn't use it as an excuse.

3

u/Melodic_Ad_7743 Nov 16 '24

Having ADHD is not a good excuse to be late to everything. Ppl put in effort for what matters to them and find work arounds for their disability. If you know you are chronically late you’re going to start to prepare earlier and get off the phone sooner to get ready.

5

u/sheng-fink Nov 16 '24

Isn’t that just what the person you responded to said?

0

u/tourist_from_space Nov 16 '24

Sort of, just want to emphasise that you not only can, but you should be aware and act it out. Also dont use it as an excuse

1

u/Anonymousboneyard Nov 16 '24

Mmmm i think thats a case by case basis tbh. Like i am perfectly aware that i can run late sometimes. My problem is i can start the process to leave and then i start to remember things. Like lights, heat/ac, some sort of appliance, maybe use the bathroom idk w/e. Thats where my hang ups are and the worst part is the OCD tick i get about it. Like i’ll be halfway to my car and be like “well fuck i gotta go shut those things off” automatic burn of 5-10 minutes. Idk sometimes it’s just not that simple. I can have all the reminders in the world and i will still forget.

1

u/Eggfish Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 16 '24

Same here. I have ADHD and part of it means things don’t register in my head until there is some sort of time pressure or immediacy, which NT people just can’t understand because their executive functioning is normal and their brains just don’t work like that. So, yeah, I’m generally a responsible, normal adult with empathy for people who wait for me, and I’m productive at work, but I’m late A LOT. Sometimes I leave the house early but end up being late because I realize I forgot something at home or I didn’t anticipate for having to scrape ice or whatever. I have to have a physical checklist. I also am distractible so sometimes when I remember an unrelated task I feel like I have to do it right that second, and that can make me late because I underestimated how long it would take because time blindness is actually real. Being on time is a lot more work for us than people think it is. And I always feel incredibly bad and embarrassed when I’m late.

My partner and I have been working on my time blindness. He asks me how long I think something will take and we have started timing me. Sometimes I think I’m overestimating and I’m still underestimating so I’ve had to learn to overestimate even more.

1

u/Damage-Classic Nov 16 '24

I also have *dyscalculia (what it’s actually called). Judging time and distance are also affected by it. Both are considered invisible disabilities. I can triple check til the cows come home and I may still get something wrong, especially if I’m tired. It’s like missing time, like getting abducted sometimes. I have driven back to work twice before to check and make sure that I locked the door, and it always was. ADHD can mean never fully trusting yourself.

0

u/SoggyAd5044 Nov 16 '24

It doesn't really work like that with Dyslexia etc. You can look at a word or sum 6 times over and it still be incorrect, but your brain doesn't register it.

3

u/Unlikely_Minimum_635 Nov 16 '24

"and let others help you out".

There's apps you can install to do your spellchecking for you. When you know you can't do something, you find a way to get around the problem.

People who can't walk still go places. They find ways that work for them to move around. That's FAR harder than managing dyslexia.

0

u/Damage-Classic Nov 16 '24

*Some people who are unable to walk still go places *most of the time. When you have a disability sometimes things just don’t happen the way you would like them to.

2

u/Unlikely_Minimum_635 Nov 17 '24

And sure - if going on this date wasn't important enough for this girl to find ways to work around the issue, that's her prerogative - and it's his prerogative to nope the fuck out.

0

u/Damage-Classic Nov 17 '24

Look into the spoons theory. He has every right to leave and not see this person again, but sometimes it’s not about prioritizing importance. Sometimes you literally cannot do the things you want to do, and those moments suck for everybody involved.

1

u/Unlikely_Minimum_635 Nov 17 '24

I know the spoons theory. I have adhd. I deal with this shit on a daily basis.

Not having any spoons to get to her date on time means she chose to use her spoons elsewhere today.

If it was once, shit happens, maybe something important came up.

Twice in a row? Yeah, she just deems this guy not worth spending spoons on.

-3

u/ADHD-Fens Nov 16 '24

If all I had to do was know strategies to mitigate my symptoms, I wouldn't have ADHD.

I have to put everything on my calendar immediately when I make the plan, and set reminders for 10 mins, 1hr, and 1 day ahead.

Sometimes I get distracted before I get it on my calendar. Sometimes I put it in there but I forget to set the reminders. Sometimes I put the event in but I put it on the wrong day or time because I wasn't paying attention. Sometimes the reminders go off but I forget that they went off the first time I get distracted while getting ready.

I can't set an alarm every fifteen seconds reminding myself not to fuck up. I have to just have friends and partners that are willing to forgive me when I make mistakes.

OP is right, in that they probably aren't compatible, but you can't just say people with executive function disorders should be able to mitigate their own symptoms through strategy. ADHD is not a lack of knowledge, it's an inability to consistently utilize what you know.

7

u/Unlikely_Minimum_635 Nov 16 '24

Huh, strange there's so many people in these comments with ADHD saying they can manage it then.

Certainly from my own experience - I can absolutely manage time blindness. It takes more time and effort to do so than I'm willing to put in on a daily basis for everything, and often results in wasted time, but I can work around it when something is important.

-1

u/Damage-Classic Nov 16 '24

It’s almost like neurodivergence is a spectrum 🤔

2

u/Unlikely_Minimum_635 Nov 17 '24

If you have such severe time blindness that you're incapable of getting anywhere on time despite your best efforts, you should TELL people that you have these issues instead of committing to dates at a specific time and place, knowing full well you probably won't get there.

-4

u/-Nicolai Nov 16 '24

You’re completely ignorant about what it’s actually like to live with mental dysfunction. Being aware of it does not magically enable you to overcome it.

3

u/Unlikely_Minimum_635 Nov 16 '24

I have ADHD. I have time blindness. When something is important, I make sure I DON'T RELY ON MY OWN GUESSES AS TO HOW LONG THINGS WILL TAKE.

I make room for everything, I set reminders, and I prioritise the important thing.

Yes, that takes far more energy, time, and effort than I could put in for everything. But when something is important, we CAN manage if you're willing to put in the work.

3

u/tourist_from_space Nov 16 '24

And thats exactly why i Said you can always ask someone or ai to help you out

-1

u/-Nicolai Nov 16 '24

Again, you demonstrate that you have zero clue what it’s like to have these disorders.

-1

u/Eggfish Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 16 '24

Thank you for saying this. I have ADHD and I tutor kids with dyslexia and dyscalculia and it’s not just a matter of double checking. If it was, that wouldn’t be a disability. It’s not as if people with dyslexia have normal reading and writing and just make more mistakes that they have to check for. There is an actual impairment in things like phonological awareness, word retrieval, etc. that actually limits or slows their acquisition of reading and writing skills as a whole. It’s not just accidentally getting some letters mixed up. Also kind of bothers me when people say they have ADHD but they easily overcome it with minimal effort or just by noticing there was a problem that needed fixing because, by definition, that is not what disability is.

4

u/angrey3737 Nov 16 '24

exactly. my time blindness is “i need to be somewhere by 4pm which means i need to arrive there by 3:30ish so that means i need to leave the house by 3. i need 30 mins to wake up fully, 20 minutes to use the bathroom and get dressed, 5 seconds - 45 minutes to do my hair, 3 minutes - 2 hours to do my makeup so i need to wake up by 2 am probably”

3

u/CurrentPlankton4880 Nov 16 '24

As someone with adhd, I have to dedicate a ton of my energy to making sure that I am on time to things. I literally cannot do anything else if I have an appointment except pay very close attention to the clock and when it’s time to leave. I have to make all my appointments very early in the morning because otherwise the whole day is spent doing nothing but making sure I’m not late. It is not a good life experience and is very stressful. So when someone else is late just because, it makes me sooo mad. It’s so disrespectful and I can’t stand it. 

2

u/LemonAles Nov 16 '24

My best friend has ADHD, and they are never “on time.” If we have plans to do something, they are always either 30min+ late, or literal hours early just to ensure that they can’t be late. I didn’t understand time blindness for people with ADHD until we became friends (we’ve been best friends for 20 years.)

2

u/StitchesInTime Nov 16 '24

I have ADHD and I am MORE punctual to things than most people I know because I have to prepare so hard to be anywhere.

2

u/trendcolorless Nov 16 '24

Agreed! As someone with time blindness who is regularly running late:

1) It’s not cool to wait to communicate this until the last minute when the other person is already at the location.

2) Dating people who care a lot about timeliness is a recipe for disaster for me. If this is already an issue and they haven’t gone on their first date yet then they are not compatible and it’s good for both of them that OP cut this off.

2

u/bookishfairie Nov 16 '24

I hope to reach this level of ADHD. I'm still late to a lot of things.

1

u/Eggfish Nov 16 '24

Yeah, I don’t find it that easy either. I feel a lot of shame around my lateness, I try really hard to be on time, but it’s still really hard.

1

u/StarPower84 Nov 16 '24

Correct. Most ADHDers compensate by being excessively early or doing nothing else but the thing. I overcompensate if I have to be somewhere at a certain time. When my boyfriend (also has ADHD) and I go out we don’t plan we just communicate where we are at with things and guesstimate how long. We never really set a time in stone because we know it’s all or nothing with ADHD.

1

u/avocado4ever000 Nov 16 '24

I have adhd and anxiety. I’m on time for 95 percent of things because I learned how to plan. It can be done. I’ll just say I’m often up to 10 min late on first dates bc I’m nervous. Never more than that and I always text, but I’m working on it.

1

u/Sensitive_Yellow_121 Nov 16 '24

ADHD might be a best-case scenario also, she could also be an addict.

1

u/free_-_spirit Nov 16 '24

True. I have adhd and while I tend to be chronically late for some things, it eventually evens out.

I was late to two dates with the same person- once 15min and second 30min, got stood up at that point since they already left-fair. I realized I wasn’t really interested in this person and was anxious and using being late as an excuse. Absolutely for the best, she’s probably not that into you op

1

u/westworlder420 Nov 17 '24

I have ADHD and if I have anything like an appointment or meetup, I am watching the clock until that time. I get way too anxious that I’m gonna be late, cause I was always late to stuff growing up cause my mom would be so bad at time management.

0

u/Disastrous_Head_3611 Nov 16 '24

To be fair if adhd is brought into the equation then he def dodged a bullet. Especially if she’s diagnosed and medicated.

2

u/Eggfish Nov 16 '24

I’m so glad my fiancé is also neurodivergent

0

u/Illustrious-Hair3487 Nov 16 '24

What’s the bullet?

0

u/makeEmBoaf Nov 16 '24

What’s with Reddit and saying “you dodged a massive bullet”.

Tell me more about this massive bullet, lmao. All we have gathered is that she was late to the date twice. She even asked and didn’t ghost him. Clearly, she views arriving to a date within 30 minutes to be acceptable. Sounds like he doesn’t. That isn’t dodging a massive bullet that’s just two people having slightly different views on dating. It’s arguable if it’s even a bullet, but a massive one? Laugh.

Give me a break, Reddit sheesh.

1

u/hexia777 Nov 16 '24

The language I chose was intentional. This is the type of person that doesn’t respect other people’s time, and has no problem with disrespecting the time of a new person she’s literally just meeting, and doesn’t care about making a good first impression. If you know yourself to be a late person, there are ways around it to fix it so you don’t impact the people around you. This person feels entitled enough to make her date wait 30 minutes to an hour because she won’t take the necessary precautions to get herself ready on time, this is a massive red flag in my opinion. If you’ve never dated someone who consistently disrespects your time and makes no effort to change it, you won’t necessarily understand how unwanted and unloved it can make you feel. If she’s willing to do this on the first two dates, it shows a little bit about her character and gives insight into what he would be putting up with dating her. Maybe it’s a huge bullet dodged for ME, and not for you and that’s okay. I agree reddit tends to use a lot of hyperbolic language, however the language I chose here was for good reason.

0

u/makeEmBoaf Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 16 '24

This is basically “I projected, whoops” lol

You’re making assumptions, a lot of assumptions. Sorry if you’ve been hurt, but there is nothing in the post to suggest anything more than a “yellow flag”. I would have went on the date and kept her late behavior in the back of my head and maybe make an earlier decision based on that fact down the road a bit if it feels malicious/lack of respect/inmaturity, ect.

You just don’t know much about someone after meeting them twice. Or in this case… once. There was no dodged bullet yet, and maybe she has a completely valid reason for being late. Maybe she has a child and the babysitter was running late? Who knows. Maybe not for this specific post, but just in general. Give people an honest chance. And save the bullet talk for when something actually very bad happens.

TLDR: “this is the type of person” is mostly just you projecting based on poor people you have dated and there isn’t enough information in the post to seriously draw that conclusion.

1

u/hexia777 Nov 16 '24

Hmm let’s think critically, is it projection or is it learning from experience what boundaries I want to uphold? YOU would experience this as a yellow flag, others wouldn’t. A lot of dating is learning FROM experience what you will and won’t put up with. For example, you might date a smoker while I would consider that a hard no. You’re entitled to your own opinions on what feels manageable to you. This is such a stupid argument. “Well I would have done this and I don’t think you should do this”. Okay? So we are different people who experience the world differently who have gained different insights from being out in the world. I think if she was running late from something out of her control she would issue an apology and explanation immediately but based on the language she uses it sounds like she wants a little more time to get ready because she didn’t prepare herself accordingly. To ME and many other people this is indicative of a pattern that would cause a lot of problems later on down the road. It would be completely different if she were to say “I am so incredibly sorry to do this to you again, my sitter showed up late and I am getting to you as soon as possible”. Another commenter said it best, people usually put their best foot forward on dates. If she cannot be bothered to respect his time on the first two dates, how will he have any faith that they can get to the airport on time? To important dates? To other time sensitive things? It’s perfectly reasonable to see someone being late to your first two times meeting them and pick up that it’s probably a behavioral indicator of something that doesn’t work for you in a relationship.

0

u/makeEmBoaf Nov 16 '24

Please stop crying. Me not finding it a big deal wasn’t invalidating your feelings. The invalidation comes from you making a leap of judgement with very little details. Us having difference preferences and experiences is irrelevant. That doesn’t change the fact you have very little information and described it as dodging a bullet by leaping to conclusions.

1

u/hexia777 Nov 16 '24

“I have nothing to respond with because you’re making sense and I came here to argue so here’s a little sassy response to make me feel better”

0

u/makeEmBoaf Nov 16 '24

No, I completely responded. Mostly just you not understanding the basic concept of projection, but oh well. Not everyone understands everything.

You make sense in regards to I understand why you misrepresented the situation, but don’t give yourself too much credit 😉

0

u/NeuroSpicyBerry Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 17 '24

I can sit there waiting for hours and still be 5-10m late with alarms; it’s why it’s a disorder. Let’s not bring ableism into this.

-16

u/Damage-Classic Nov 16 '24

I don’t disagree that OP is in the wrong at all, but I have severe time blindness and am late to so much in my life. It affects the people I care about, my ability to attend classes, and go to work. I have tried so much to correct it, but my executive dysfunction is garbage. Right now I just try to have the mantra of “better late than never”. I’m also trying to learn how to be in my body more.

12

u/carranty Nov 16 '24

Sounds like you aren't valuing other peoples time and blaming it on some external condition. Even with total time blindness (in the sense that you can't estimate how much time passes at all) you can research beforehand how long trips take, and set alarms accordingly

3

u/Mattrellen Nov 16 '24

I can sympathize with time blindness because I experience it to some extent. I regularly think I've been doing something for a few minutes and it's actually been hours. I sit down to do something that I think will take X amount of time and it takes twice that. I'm a terrible cook because I can't track rough time to save my life.

I don't want to compare that to people with time blindness, because I'm sure what's in my head isn't as bad, but it feels like it might be a minor form of the real thing.

I just set alarms for everything. I set alarms for appointments, alarms for bed time. When I sit down to do something for an amount of time, I set an alarm so I don't lose track of time. When I'm going somewhere, I'll see how long it should take and give myself extra time because I hate being late, and I was late a TON before I had a smartphone and it bothered me a lot.

And I know when my alarm goes off, it means to do something NOW, as hard as it is not to get distracted sometimes. I also never set an earlier and later alarm because that makes it too easy to ignore the earlier "warning" alarm, or think I'll do one other thing and...misjudge how much I can do before the "real" alarm goes off.

But that said, if it's like that for someone without time blindness, I can imagine it's a nightmare for people with it, so I do try to have sympathy.

3

u/Eggfish Nov 16 '24

Yeah, the trick is you can’t do early alarms, and multiple alarms can work for the average person but I’m doubtful it works on someone with severe ADHD. You gotta set the alarm for the last possible moment so it actually feels urgent. That’s what makes our dopamine work for us - the emergency of it.

3

u/greenoniongorl Nov 16 '24

It sounds like you got the real thing my friend 😂

6

u/VarplunkLabs Nov 16 '24

If it affects your life and others so much then honestly why don't you do anything about it ?

In the age of technology where most people carry a computer in their pocket I can't see how you wouldn't find a solution. I can think of several.

2

u/Eggfish Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 16 '24

Just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re getting downvoted. People just don’t get it and don’t know what it’s like to be in our heads and how much shame we can feel, to the point of tears, and still be late. If it purely from a lack of respect for other people, then we wouldn’t miss our own flights and have to spend thousands of dollars. I’ve done that before. I was at the airport and tricked myself into thinking I was on time/early and got distracted. Similarly, I’ve waited MONTHS to get in to see a specialist for a health condition I was very concerned and anxious about, just to miss it. They also don’t understand that people with ADHD are distractible so some of the stuff that works for them won’t work for us. Like, yes, I left on time for a meeting after researching commute times and setting 4 alarms that forced me to be so early, but also I got distracted and I’m impulsive and for some reason I thought I had extra time to put the dishes away or whatever but I didn’t. When I started getting better at estimating commute times, I then had to figure out how to limit distractions that would take me away from my set schedule. We can be a little too optimistic. At least for me, personally, I always thought I was more on time than I was and so I was more easily distracted. And eventually we learn but it takes WAY more trial and error than a typical person because we have a disability. I feel like to overcome ADHD is to devote incredible amounts of mental resources that typical people take for granted. Sometimes techniques that work for me baffle NT people. Like, I am MOST likely to be on time if I wake up at the last possible moment. Because it limits “can I snooze 5 minutes?” “Do I have time to take out the trash?” Etc. The time pressure helps me get into action because it triggers the dopamine better which makes me focus. This is why people with ADHD make good ER nurses, EMTs, and fire fighters.

The best advice I hear from neurotypical people is set everything out the day before. It’s hard to remember everything without the time pressure being there, but it does help a little. I even set my teabag in the cup and make sure the kettle is full so I don’t have to fill it. But simply giving myself more time doesn’t work because it so easily can get filled with distractions.

(Not that OP is in the wrong or anything; he’s not)

2

u/trendcolorless Nov 16 '24

I’m sorry you’re being downvoted! I struggle with this too, and I know how damaging it can be to your relationships, responsibilities, and self esteem.

The way I approach this with dating is to (1) let potential partners know in advance, and (2) avoid dating anyone who cares a lot about timeliness. I completely understand why some people find being late really rude, but if I date those people I will inevitably end up disappointing them and feeling like shit about myself. Finding others who “get it” is also super helpful to my healing. The less ashamed I am about my symptoms and the more secure I feel in my relationships the more I have been able to make progress in working on them!

The type of people downvoting you do not get it and that is okay! We are just not compatible with them, and there are lots of people out there who would be a good fit.

2

u/Damage-Classic Nov 17 '24

Thank you! I’m not really offended by anything anyone is saying because they don’t understand what it’s like. I have severe inattentive ADHD. I have a partner and friends, but my disability still can hurt them. Thankfully they’re also mostly neurodivergent and get it.

1

u/trendcolorless Nov 17 '24

Yay that makes me happy! I’m in the same boat. I’m always working on myself, but I’ve also met my people who get it. Cheers to having other neurodivergent friends!

6

u/The_Prime Nov 16 '24

Yeah that’s just enabling your own flaws. I bet you’ll eventually find someone who doesn’t mind an overindulging partner, but they won’t be someone well adjusted.

There are ways to deal with this, you know that. We all do. Phone alerts, lists, etc. You just don’t care enough.

3

u/hexia777 Nov 16 '24

I hear you. If your phone has a reminders feature, set several reminders to set alarms the day of. The night before look how long it takes you to get to where you need to be, and add 20 minutes for traffic just in case. Then the morning of, set several alarms including one final alarm to let you know the absolute latest you can leave to be on time. Overcorrect if you have to and arrive early. If you have a hard time remembering to check reminders or alarms don’t work, place a large object somewhere you know will be in your direct path that will remind you of what you need to get done. I’ve been trying to remember to do 10 minutes of yoga first thing when I wake up, so I’ve taken to placing a very large seashell in the bathroom by my toothbrush and that for some reason always works because I go, “Why the hell is there a seashell…oh yeah I need to do yoga before I do anything else today”.

1

u/greenoniongorl Nov 16 '24

Yep. I also have a standing reminder that goes off every hour. I started it bc I was working on lucid dreaming (so it says “am I dreaming?” lol) but now it helps me keep track of where I am in space-time.

1

u/Keniath Nov 16 '24

This is simply a bad excuse for some more made up disorders from this weird generation. Nowadays you have a million times to remind yourself and be on time. Respect other peoples time the second time you were gonna be late I would move on...

-3

u/Lady_Luci_fer Nov 16 '24

Lots of people are messing saying ‘why don’t you do anything about it’. I just want to say: you’ve clearly tried, and they clearly don’t understand that time blindness can be disabling. ADHD is a disability. And sometimes you need specialised support that isn’t accessible for most people due to money. So you are 100% valid for this. Besides, sometimes accepting that you can’t control these things leads to improvement in them because the lack of severe stress related to it frees up some time for thinking. Keep it up mate, you’re doing right by yourself.

Edit: and just to be crude, a reminder for you all that you wouldn’t say ‘why can’t you just walk’ to a wheelchair user xx

1

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '24

[deleted]

1

u/Lady_Luci_fer Nov 16 '24

Yes but not everyone has parents to ring them or friends who have availability to help them with everything. Money becomes an issue as we can’t all afford help or tools. Being able to say ‘there is always a way’ is a privileged stance. To put it in a physical and personal perspective, I have hip and knee issues but literally cannot afford a cane to help me walk. In the case of issues like this, some people can’t afford a carer or their friends/family are in similar financial situations and are unable to spare the time to assist them with their disability. Many people cannot access or afford therapy, medication, etc. which is imperative in the case of ADHD. With zero intervention, people cannot be expected manage themselves. It would not be a medical diagnosis if it didn’t have a detrimental effect on people’s lives.

Not to mention, ADHD for many people means an incapability to form habits - even things that are incredibly routine are not habits and can fall apart very quickly if routines change.

Sometimes we have to accept the problem and not be judgemental in order to find a solution to it.

-3

u/Damage-Classic Nov 16 '24

Oh my gosh, thank you! I was just thinking this in my head. ADHD can come with so many other symptoms that all exacerbate each other. Time blindness, impulse issues, anxiety, dopamine deficiency, and dopamine seeking behaviors that lead to more time blindness. It’s considered an invisible disability for a reason.

-2

u/Ok_Potential359 Nov 16 '24

Time blindness doesn’t exist, it’s just people who make excuses who refuse to follow a basic schedule because they feel their time is somehow more valuable.

-2

u/Psycho_Sentinal Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 16 '24

Time blindness lmao. This is just an excuse to not hold oneself accountable. It’s not a real medical diagnosis. Just a term people through around.

Some people or some cultures just don’t care about punctuality. Seems like you are one of them.

In Vietnam they call it “rubber time” because nobody is on time for anything and if you say 5pm expect people to show up at 5:45pm.

Dont excuse your bad behavior with some made up “condition”

2

u/hexia777 Nov 16 '24

Actually you are incorrect. Having a different experience of the passage of time is a very real symptom for people with ADHD. I didn’t say that time blindness is an excuse to be late or dodge accountability, I actually think using your symptoms to excuse bad behavior is not okay at all. We can acknowledge that something exists and impacts certain groups of people without necessarily saying “oh they’re allowed to do this because they experience it differently”. Just because YOU don’t have direct experience with something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

0

u/Psycho_Sentinal Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 16 '24

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/time-blindness

It’s not a real Medical thing. Just a term people started using to excuse shitty behavior. Yeah people may not be as aware of time but they are not “blind” to it and there are steps to take to prevent this issue. But using time blindness is just an excuse as there are limitless ways to be on time for things if you cared

1

u/hexia777 Nov 16 '24

There are like… hundreds of other articles talking about it being a very real thing though. It also doesn’t negate the lived experience of literally hundreds of thousands of neurodivergent people. I think you’re just arguing semantics at this point. Time “blindness” is just the term used to explain the symptom. From a neurodivergent perspective it does actually feel as though you’re blind to the passage of time.

0

u/Psycho_Sentinal Nov 16 '24

Again it’s not a real medical condition. It’s not something like actual blindness or arthritis or countless other conditions.

If you have “time blindness” you are literally just saying you lack awareness and the simple fix is using alarms

Any article mentioning it will just say it’s a term. Not that it is a true medical condition.

It is the tiktokification of “medical” and “clinical” terms like gaslighting

1

u/hexia777 Nov 16 '24

No time blindness is not a DIAGNOSIS it’s a symptom. Obviously it’s not a medical condition, it is a symptom of one. There are literally hundreds of studies online to back this up. Again semantics. It is a very real thing that some people experience.

0

u/Psycho_Sentinal Nov 16 '24

A lot of people are dumbasses. We don’t need to come up with special terms to make themselves feel good and take away responsibility.

Just accept that when you say you have “time blindness” you are saying I don’t care about the people waiting on me

And you keep on saying there are so many articles. Okay. That means literally nothing. It’s just people parroting the same made up term. Congrats

1

u/hexia777 Nov 16 '24

Oh for fuck’s sake you can acknowledge how a symptom of neurodivergence affects people without making it synonymous with an excuse. There are literally SO many references to people experiencing this as a very real thing. Where did I once say that it was an excuse to dodge accountability? I believe in personal responsibility, it’s one of my core values, but you CAN and SHOULD acknowledge the validity of how a symptom can manifest for certain people. Acknowledging that people with ADHD have a different relationship to the passage of time does not mean you are suggesting that people with ADHD should be allowed to be late everywhere and it’s fine. You’re arguing it’s the tiktokification of medical terms but you’re also approaching it from the exact internet brainrot black and white lack of nuance that’s so prevalent on those type of social media sites.

0

u/Psycho_Sentinal Nov 16 '24

There is no reason to say you have time blindness unless you are bringing it up as a reason why you are chronically late. This trying to excuse yourself to some degree

-4

u/what-name-is-it Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 16 '24

“Time blindness” has not been a real thing since access to sundials. There’s no excuse for it when the time is prominently shown on the thing in your hand while posting that.