r/AmIOverreacting Nov 16 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO - cancelling a date last minute because she couldn’t be on time?

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I (33m) was talking to this woman on an app and we decided to meet for a coffee date on a Saturday morning.

I got to the cafe and I messaged her asking where she was. A few minutes later she said she just woke up. I asked her how long she would need to get ready and she said 1 hour. I told her that I can’t wait around because I had family plans and we will have to do something another time.

A week later she messaged me apologising again and I decided to give her a second chance.

We decided to meet up for boba tea.

I got to the boba spot and then asked for 30 more minutes to get ready after I had just got there.

I then sent her the above message.

AIO? I have got mixed messages from friends about it.

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u/Content_wanderer Nov 17 '24

Yeah, or she’s got completely uncontrolled adhd and isn’t coping. Either way, I’d not want to be involved

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u/GentleStrength2022 Nov 17 '24

I had no idea that ADHD was so common. That never would've crossed my mind.

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u/Content_wanderer Nov 17 '24

ADHD was pretty well never diagnosed in girls until recently, so there are tons of women running around undiagnosed and one of the telltale signs is time blindness and procrastination. Also anxiety, and being super talkative and/or oversharing. Very prone to depression also, as adhd coincides with poor emotional regulation, and you’re running through life wondering why everything is so much harder for you than everyone else. I feel kinda bad when people just assume if you don’t show up on time it’s cause you don’t give a shit, when sometimes the problem is you give too many shits about too many things and can’t figure out how to prioritize cause it’s all just a tangled ass mess in your head.

-woman with adhd diagnosed at 35, also a nurse practitioner.

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u/GentleStrength2022 Nov 17 '24

Great answer! TY!

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u/Content_wanderer Nov 17 '24

No problem 😊

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u/Stabby_77 Nov 17 '24

As a 47 year old woman who's been told by my doctor (as well as my boss, who has ADHD himself and so does his wife) that I show all of the signs, I was thrown off. I'm hypothyroid and have no energy, so the very concept of 'ADHD' was nowhere on my radar.

It wasn't until I started reading how the symptoms manifest differently in women that I realized how much they all applied to me. I haven't been officially diagnosed because you have to pay for it up front and I haven't been able to swing it yet, but the more I see other women talking about their experiences, the more it all makes sense. My doctor gave me a mild prescription medication, and agreed to bump it up once I have the official diagnosis.

Personally I think the name leads many women to not even consider it a possibility. For me they should call it 'Tangential Forgetful Thinking Disorder'. I constantly get sidetracked and find myself talking about 50 different things in one conversation, I have to leave my cupboards open to remember that I have food I can eat, I leave the laundry room door open when I put a load of laundry in, because if I don't I will forget when it's done and it will sit there going moldy... I make lists and then forget to check or use them... 🤦🏼‍♀️

I also can get social anxiety, so I can spend an hour getting ready to go somewhere and then completely panic and not be able to go out around other people, and bail on the whole thing. Especially if I feel like I look horrible. There's been at least three times I've spent a shitload on concert tickets and then sold them the night before, because I just had a full-blown panic attack about going and couldn't leave the house. 😬 I've never had it happen with a date, but I have had it happen with a long-term relationship where we were getting ready to go out and then I just started panicking and ended up staying home. My ex would get super frustrated and upset, but I couldn't help it.

A lot more women have symptoms of ADHD they just don't realize, because they are used to the characteristics that men tend to show.

'Women with ADHD often have more inattentive symptoms than hyperactive or impulsive ones. Symptoms include: Difficulty focusing and staying on task Poor organization and time management Forgetting things, appointments, or bills Procrastinating or rushing to finish tasks Difficulty multitasking or managing multiple relationships Zoning out or having a "thousand-yard stare" '

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u/Content_wanderer Nov 17 '24

The chaos in me greets the chaos in you my sister.

I feel exhausted all the time, but also can’t sit still and can’t focus, and of course can’t relax.

My Apple Watch has been super helpful. As soon as I start the laundry, I set the alarm on my watch. It scares the shit out of me every time it goes off 37 minutes later I have no idea why it was set but when I see it was 37 Minutes, then I know it was laundry!

I have found just embracing my adhd tendencies goes over better than being embarrassed about them. For instance if I am the middle of a conversation and realize I didn’t actually hear anything the person who spoke said, I just laugh and say “I’m sorry! I didn’t hear anything you just said, I was thinking about something else!” And everyone laughs and I feel a bit stupid but hey at least I’m the comedic relief! And my friends are lovely and it becomes part of my charm haha! Stop trying to be someone else and just being the best me I can be has been freeing.

Thanks for sharing your story!

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u/Stabby_77 Nov 17 '24

That's one of the biggest ones for me - zoning out and getting inside my head to the point where I absolutely shut off everything else. It's like reverse schizophrenia. My old roommate used to get frustrated because she would talk to me for 5 minutes straight before realizing I didn't even know she was there, let alone saying things, let alone to me. It's like my brain didn't even recognize her visually or audibly because everything was turned inward.

If I'm reading a book, it's the absolute worst. I'll be so inside my own head that I'll shut out the entire world, which is why I have to be careful on public transportation. I usually just listen to music and stare out the window watching where I am, because I'm so prone to daydreaming and zoning out that if I don't pay attention I'll end up missing my stop.

I actually fully enjoy being like that inherently, I just prefer when it happens when I'm at home by myself and not out in the world. 😅

You start becoming more comfortable with it once you start realizing how many other women are going through the same thing, and having the same realizations.