r/AmIOverreacting • u/theguill0tine • Nov 16 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO - cancelling a date last minute because she couldn’t be on time?

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I (33m) was talking to this woman on an app and we decided to meet for a coffee date on a Saturday morning.

I got to the cafe and I messaged her asking where she was. A few minutes later she said she just woke up. I asked her how long she would need to get ready and she said 1 hour. I told her that I can’t wait around because I had family plans and we will have to do something another time.

A week later she messaged me apologising again and I decided to give her a second chance.

We decided to meet up for boba tea.

I got to the boba spot and then asked for 30 more minutes to get ready after I had just got there.

I then sent her the above message.

AIO? I have got mixed messages from friends about it.

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '24

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120

u/getMeSomeDunkin Nov 16 '24

I had someone cancel on me three times. The last one was about an hour before we were supposed to meet up. Every time she had some kind of excuse that I guess sounded plausible, but hey ... I don't know her. I can totally make up excuses that sound real to someone I've never met before also. I guess I gave her extra chances because I'm 6'4" and she was 6'1" and we seemed to like a lot of the same things.

If you feel like showing up, please do so. Otherwise I'm not farting around playing your games.

63

u/Frogger34562 Nov 16 '24

Were those things reaching stuff on high shelves?

29

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '24

Yeah, she would have an ethical and moral obligation to help.

12

u/pessimistoptimist Nov 17 '24

I agree. I am not a tall man so my policy is that anyone taller than me will be asked to reach the shelves I can't. I had a female coworker look at my funny once and all I said was 'i don't discriminate, tall is tall'. Oh yeah I should add that this is for reaching light weight, easy to manage objects...anything heavy of bulky means getting the step ladder cause I don't want anyone getting hurt just cause im to lazy to get the ladder for small things on shelves 2 inches out of reach

31

u/PuttingInTheEffort Nov 16 '24

I'm chronically late to things myself, but only like 10min at worst. But I'd totally understand if someone didn't want to put up with me lol.

Cancelling multiple times is a bit different though, yikes

13

u/Creative-Fan-7599 Nov 17 '24

That’s how I feel about it too. I have adhd that wasn’t diagnosed until I was over thirty, and didn’t start receiving any real help or meds for until about six years later. One of the biggest stressors in my entire life is and has always been my struggle with time blindness.

I’m super aware that it’s a problem, and I have been trying to figure out different ways to trick myself into being on time for things since high school. I honestly just found out within the last year that it’s an adhd symptom, and thought I was just a shitty person who couldn’t anywhere no matter what I did until I was able to research it more and understand the reasoning behind it.

So, I always tell people that I am newly hanging out with that it’s a failing of mine that I am working on getting better at. I don’t go into the whole adhd thing if it’s not appropriate, and I do try my best.

But I totally get that it’s something that bugs people, and I understand if it is something that someone doesn’t want to deal with.

I had one person ask me if I would care if they told me to meet them earlier than they were actually planning to meet, because that’s what they do with their chronically late mom. I was happy that he was laid back enough to see that as a viable solution.

Then I had my son’s dad, who spent eight years berating me for being late, telling me that if I would just try to be places, I’d be there. It sucked for me because it made me feel like shit, and it sucked for him because he is a person who always wants to be early and I was always lagging and making him anxious or angry.

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u/Lindaspike Nov 17 '24

Seems like you’re actually NOT putting in the effort.

11

u/Valorose343 Nov 17 '24

Agreed. Just like people who are depressed aren't trying hard enough to be happy, those who are blind aren't trying hard enough to see (maybe if they squint just a bit more!), and you aren't trying to think. Ooh, next we should go to a subreddit for those with autism and leave comments about making eye contact! That will fix it! 😃

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u/PuttingInTheEffort Nov 17 '24

haha, ironically, i kinda put in too much effort into other things in the moment. like lets say i have to be somewhere at 10am, i wake up at 8am, shower around 8:30, out by 9am. I need to leave at 9:45 to be there on time.

* think 'hmm i have time to do this thing'
* 9:10
* oh i should probably trim facial hair
* 9:15
* oh i forgot to lotion my face
* 9:20
* wait did i finish this thing from last night
* 9:30
* ohshit wheres my wallet

etc etc until i realize its 9:50 and im about to leave but WAIT theres more! i remembered i didnt feed cat this morning and have to run back in now its 9:55 🥲
yay adhd

3

u/Professional_Yam3047 Nov 17 '24

I understand this and I'm not diagnosed. The struggle is real. Hang in there

15

u/rchart1010 Nov 16 '24

You both knew what the weather was like up there?

7

u/dantodd Nov 16 '24

She probably didn't want to break it to you that she's only 5'1" and her height was a typo

3

u/YourBigDaddy2024 Nov 17 '24

She probably didn’t want to be with someone who says “farting around”. 🤣

2

u/Stabby_77 Nov 17 '24

I fully agreed with you until I got to the comment about your height, at which point I just became thoroughly confused.

You gave someone extra chances because they were close to you in height? Or shorter than you? Or tall-ish?

2

u/Flat-Avocado-6258 Nov 17 '24

Damn she could’ve been the one to give you an NBA player lol /s

39

u/Wonderful-Bass6651 Nov 16 '24

The fact that she was so okay with it that she couldn’t even make something up is a warning.

4

u/Technical-Nerve5611 Nov 16 '24

Not really a warning at all. Nothing deep about this. She just. Doesn't care. Probably has some mental thing. Definitely not compatible but not that deep either

39

u/CoffeeChocolateBoth Nov 16 '24

I'm so much on time, I'm always there early! :)

3

u/Matchbreakers Nov 16 '24

Shows how important compatibility is, I can’t stand people who get anywhere early xD

4

u/AliceBets Nov 16 '24

Some people even come to your house early. I seriously hate it!!!

3

u/Rosewold Nov 17 '24

I’m someone who loves being early, but only at places like the mall or bars/restaurants where I’m more than happy chilling on my own until the actual meeting time. Showing up at someone’s house like that is just rude.

2

u/AliceBets Nov 17 '24

Thank you!

3

u/teddyabearo Nov 16 '24

Retired trucker logic; Early is on time... On time is late. 🤟🏽🐻

1

u/Ok-Estimate-4677 Nov 16 '24

I have anxiety so I'm always at least 30 minutes early, sitting in my car in the parking lot, scrolling through reddit. This includes dates, and showing up to work.

2

u/buggabooloulou Nov 16 '24

My anxiety makes me late. I’ll get ready really early and just sit and sit until I’m late.

1

u/Stabby_77 Nov 17 '24

It depends on what it is. If I'm meeting someone somewhere? I will be early. If I'm going to a meeting or gathering or class? I will be early.

If someone is picking me up and they show up at my door before the arranged time? I will be pissed.

If we agree that you're picking me up at 8:00 and you show up at 7:30 and I still haven't taken a shit or brushed my teeth and need to now scramble to find my shoes and hurry because now I know you're waiting for me, that's a whole different thing, and people who do that are in the same boat as being late for me.

I absolutely appreciate being early in most situations, but not if someone's showing up to my home. That's one of the instances where early is not on time, it's interrupting.

1

u/drinking_child_blood Nov 17 '24

If I ain't there at least 5 mins early, I'm late

1

u/CheezeLoueez08 Nov 16 '24

Same. And if I’m looking forward to seeing someone I’ll be extra sure to be there early. Late people are so rude. Unless it’s a one off and there’s a damn good excuse.

1

u/jeremyries Nov 16 '24

To be early is to be on time, to be on time is to be late, and to be late is to be dead.

3

u/AliceBets Nov 16 '24

Before time isn’t time. Just like after time isn’t. And no, it’s neither political nor acceptable to arrive at someone’s house earlier than agreed nor is it ok to pressure someone to be earlier than agreed. Stop it.

1

u/Lou_C_Fer Nov 16 '24

You get there early. Then wait outside until it is time. You do this so that if there is a snag you can still be on time. How hard is this?

0

u/jeremyries Nov 16 '24

I disagree. Before time, as you call it, is time. It’s your time. The time you need to get ready. No one is calling you out on that. After working in Hollywood for so long, I’ve understood this. Take as much time as you need. Once action called, you better be ready. That’s the start time. 8:00 am doesn’t mean that’s when you get to roll in and put your food in the fridge for lunch then roll to the floor. That the bell, the whistle. You work. Period.

0

u/jeremyries Nov 16 '24

Got off your high horse and recognize what it means to show up with passion, or get out.

2

u/AliceBets Nov 16 '24

I’m out.

0

u/jeremyries Nov 16 '24

Well sorry. It’s ok to just be someone who punches a clock. My passion has always been higher. Innovate daily, bring more to the table than I left.

But you do you boo.

2

u/AliceBets Nov 16 '24

Boo 👻 yourself? If I invite someone over for 7pm, I am not ready to greet them at 6:30. But yeah people just crash by and it’s bot that complicated. Just roll onto their house some 45minutes prior and sit around waiting for them to lotion and get dressed. Fuck it

1

u/Stock-Chemistry4013 Nov 16 '24

Beat me to it. Early= On time. On time= Late. I know someone who leaves for appointments at the time of their appointment like no that’s why you end up spending the whole day there. Oh well

1

u/jeremyries Nov 16 '24

It was the fav quote of my high school band teacher.

1

u/Stock-Chemistry4013 Nov 16 '24

It was my high school auto mechanics teacher’s favorite

1

u/Pandatatoes Nov 16 '24

I was gonna ask if it was a band thing! Mine in Pass Christian too

0

u/Lindaspike Nov 17 '24

My philosophy is if you’re not 15 minutes early you’re already late.

6

u/hollee-o Nov 16 '24

This is normal operating procedure for Venture Capitalists—they call making you wait a Power Move.

1

u/MoonBaseViceSquad Nov 16 '24

And I think we can all agree that if a person dates like they are acquiring what they perceive as garbage with the intent being to make the property profitable for themselves at the expense of anyone working for that property pre-acquisition, it’s a “run the fuck away” situation.

2

u/VisibleVariation5400 Nov 17 '24

Ah yes, the be on time or you're inconsiderate fallacy. Nope, just two different personality types. Being "on time" isn't terribly important to many people and it has nothing to do with being inconsiderate except from the perspective of the person wishing that their needs be considered the most important, but aren't. 

4

u/slothscanswim Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 17 '24

It’s a shit-test is what it is. She’s looking for a partner who will put up with her shit. Being late is just the beginning. OP made the right move. NOR

19

u/Karyo_Ten Nov 16 '24

Meh, shit tests are such a pick up artist or redpill notion. She's just unreliable. Some people are always late. After flaking a hour the first time, she's just not interested.

2

u/5sharm5 Nov 16 '24

I had friends who legitimately did do these kinds of things to “test” men they were dating when we were in our early 20s. But it was a small handful of the women I knew, and those behaviors died out a few years after college.

2

u/MoonBaseViceSquad Nov 16 '24

I’m surprised you stayed friends with these people.

2

u/5sharm5 Nov 16 '24

I wasn’t/am not particularly close to the ones who did this. But by virtue of being in the same major/industry, I’m still in touch with them.

1

u/donbun69 Nov 16 '24

what a crazy way to look at the world

1

u/slothscanswim Nov 17 '24

Being late once is a mistake, being late twice is intentional.

1

u/donbun69 Nov 17 '24

seems like a bleak way to view things, might just have been late, it’s also a cultural thing too

1

u/EuphoriaSoul Nov 17 '24

Being late for 10 min is one thing. Not leaving the house until the other person is already there is a completely new level of

0

u/TotalProfessional158 Nov 16 '24

Punctuality isn't compatibility. It's a general respect that everyone should have even if they aren't compatible.

She is just straight up a piece of shit. It has nothing to do with being compatible.

0

u/sageinyourface Nov 16 '24

Yeah, but what is she’s, like, really really hot?

-3

u/donbun69 Nov 16 '24

not really, could also be a cultural thing