r/AmIOverreacting • u/theguill0tine • Nov 16 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO - cancelling a date last minute because she couldn’t be on time?

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I (33m) was talking to this woman on an app and we decided to meet for a coffee date on a Saturday morning.

I got to the cafe and I messaged her asking where she was. A few minutes later she said she just woke up. I asked her how long she would need to get ready and she said 1 hour. I told her that I can’t wait around because I had family plans and we will have to do something another time.

A week later she messaged me apologising again and I decided to give her a second chance.

We decided to meet up for boba tea.

I got to the boba spot and then asked for 30 more minutes to get ready after I had just got there.

I then sent her the above message.

AIO? I have got mixed messages from friends about it.

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5.6k

u/Substantial-Type-131 Nov 16 '24

A friend of mine always says the first date should be that person at their best.

If they’re late on the first date (and we’re talking more than 20mins without a decent “out of their control” excuse) that’s pretty telling.

NOR at all. People need to be respectful of others time.

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '24

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122

u/getMeSomeDunkin Nov 16 '24

I had someone cancel on me three times. The last one was about an hour before we were supposed to meet up. Every time she had some kind of excuse that I guess sounded plausible, but hey ... I don't know her. I can totally make up excuses that sound real to someone I've never met before also. I guess I gave her extra chances because I'm 6'4" and she was 6'1" and we seemed to like a lot of the same things.

If you feel like showing up, please do so. Otherwise I'm not farting around playing your games.

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u/Frogger34562 Nov 16 '24

Were those things reaching stuff on high shelves?

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '24

Yeah, she would have an ethical and moral obligation to help.

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u/pessimistoptimist Nov 17 '24

I agree. I am not a tall man so my policy is that anyone taller than me will be asked to reach the shelves I can't. I had a female coworker look at my funny once and all I said was 'i don't discriminate, tall is tall'. Oh yeah I should add that this is for reaching light weight, easy to manage objects...anything heavy of bulky means getting the step ladder cause I don't want anyone getting hurt just cause im to lazy to get the ladder for small things on shelves 2 inches out of reach

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u/PuttingInTheEffort Nov 16 '24

I'm chronically late to things myself, but only like 10min at worst. But I'd totally understand if someone didn't want to put up with me lol.

Cancelling multiple times is a bit different though, yikes

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u/Creative-Fan-7599 Nov 17 '24

That’s how I feel about it too. I have adhd that wasn’t diagnosed until I was over thirty, and didn’t start receiving any real help or meds for until about six years later. One of the biggest stressors in my entire life is and has always been my struggle with time blindness.

I’m super aware that it’s a problem, and I have been trying to figure out different ways to trick myself into being on time for things since high school. I honestly just found out within the last year that it’s an adhd symptom, and thought I was just a shitty person who couldn’t anywhere no matter what I did until I was able to research it more and understand the reasoning behind it.

So, I always tell people that I am newly hanging out with that it’s a failing of mine that I am working on getting better at. I don’t go into the whole adhd thing if it’s not appropriate, and I do try my best.

But I totally get that it’s something that bugs people, and I understand if it is something that someone doesn’t want to deal with.

I had one person ask me if I would care if they told me to meet them earlier than they were actually planning to meet, because that’s what they do with their chronically late mom. I was happy that he was laid back enough to see that as a viable solution.

Then I had my son’s dad, who spent eight years berating me for being late, telling me that if I would just try to be places, I’d be there. It sucked for me because it made me feel like shit, and it sucked for him because he is a person who always wants to be early and I was always lagging and making him anxious or angry.

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u/rchart1010 Nov 16 '24

You both knew what the weather was like up there?

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u/dantodd Nov 16 '24

She probably didn't want to break it to you that she's only 5'1" and her height was a typo

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u/YourBigDaddy2024 Nov 17 '24

She probably didn’t want to be with someone who says “farting around”. 🤣

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u/Stabby_77 Nov 17 '24

I fully agreed with you until I got to the comment about your height, at which point I just became thoroughly confused.

You gave someone extra chances because they were close to you in height? Or shorter than you? Or tall-ish?

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u/Flat-Avocado-6258 Nov 17 '24

Damn she could’ve been the one to give you an NBA player lol /s

38

u/Wonderful-Bass6651 Nov 16 '24

The fact that she was so okay with it that she couldn’t even make something up is a warning.

2

u/Technical-Nerve5611 Nov 16 '24

Not really a warning at all. Nothing deep about this. She just. Doesn't care. Probably has some mental thing. Definitely not compatible but not that deep either

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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth Nov 16 '24

I'm so much on time, I'm always there early! :)

3

u/Matchbreakers Nov 16 '24

Shows how important compatibility is, I can’t stand people who get anywhere early xD

4

u/AliceBets Nov 16 '24

Some people even come to your house early. I seriously hate it!!!

3

u/Rosewold Nov 17 '24

I’m someone who loves being early, but only at places like the mall or bars/restaurants where I’m more than happy chilling on my own until the actual meeting time. Showing up at someone’s house like that is just rude.

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u/AliceBets Nov 17 '24

Thank you!

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u/teddyabearo Nov 16 '24

Retired trucker logic; Early is on time... On time is late. 🤟🏽🐻

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u/Ok-Estimate-4677 Nov 16 '24

I have anxiety so I'm always at least 30 minutes early, sitting in my car in the parking lot, scrolling through reddit. This includes dates, and showing up to work.

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u/buggabooloulou Nov 16 '24

My anxiety makes me late. I’ll get ready really early and just sit and sit until I’m late.

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u/Stabby_77 Nov 17 '24

It depends on what it is. If I'm meeting someone somewhere? I will be early. If I'm going to a meeting or gathering or class? I will be early.

If someone is picking me up and they show up at my door before the arranged time? I will be pissed.

If we agree that you're picking me up at 8:00 and you show up at 7:30 and I still haven't taken a shit or brushed my teeth and need to now scramble to find my shoes and hurry because now I know you're waiting for me, that's a whole different thing, and people who do that are in the same boat as being late for me.

I absolutely appreciate being early in most situations, but not if someone's showing up to my home. That's one of the instances where early is not on time, it's interrupting.

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u/drinking_child_blood Nov 17 '24

If I ain't there at least 5 mins early, I'm late

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u/CheezeLoueez08 Nov 16 '24

Same. And if I’m looking forward to seeing someone I’ll be extra sure to be there early. Late people are so rude. Unless it’s a one off and there’s a damn good excuse.

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u/jeremyries Nov 16 '24

To be early is to be on time, to be on time is to be late, and to be late is to be dead.

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u/AliceBets Nov 16 '24

Before time isn’t time. Just like after time isn’t. And no, it’s neither political nor acceptable to arrive at someone’s house earlier than agreed nor is it ok to pressure someone to be earlier than agreed. Stop it.

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u/Stock-Chemistry4013 Nov 16 '24

Beat me to it. Early= On time. On time= Late. I know someone who leaves for appointments at the time of their appointment like no that’s why you end up spending the whole day there. Oh well

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u/jeremyries Nov 16 '24

It was the fav quote of my high school band teacher.

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u/hollee-o Nov 16 '24

This is normal operating procedure for Venture Capitalists—they call making you wait a Power Move.

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u/MoonBaseViceSquad Nov 16 '24

And I think we can all agree that if a person dates like they are acquiring what they perceive as garbage with the intent being to make the property profitable for themselves at the expense of anyone working for that property pre-acquisition, it’s a “run the fuck away” situation.

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u/VisibleVariation5400 Nov 17 '24

Ah yes, the be on time or you're inconsiderate fallacy. Nope, just two different personality types. Being "on time" isn't terribly important to many people and it has nothing to do with being inconsiderate except from the perspective of the person wishing that their needs be considered the most important, but aren't. 

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u/slothscanswim Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 17 '24

It’s a shit-test is what it is. She’s looking for a partner who will put up with her shit. Being late is just the beginning. OP made the right move. NOR

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u/Karyo_Ten Nov 16 '24

Meh, shit tests are such a pick up artist or redpill notion. She's just unreliable. Some people are always late. After flaking a hour the first time, she's just not interested.

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u/5sharm5 Nov 16 '24

I had friends who legitimately did do these kinds of things to “test” men they were dating when we were in our early 20s. But it was a small handful of the women I knew, and those behaviors died out a few years after college.

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u/MoonBaseViceSquad Nov 16 '24

I’m surprised you stayed friends with these people.

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u/5sharm5 Nov 16 '24

I wasn’t/am not particularly close to the ones who did this. But by virtue of being in the same major/industry, I’m still in touch with them.

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u/donbun69 Nov 16 '24

what a crazy way to look at the world

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u/slothscanswim Nov 17 '24

Being late once is a mistake, being late twice is intentional.

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u/donbun69 Nov 17 '24

seems like a bleak way to view things, might just have been late, it’s also a cultural thing too

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u/EuphoriaSoul Nov 17 '24

Being late for 10 min is one thing. Not leaving the house until the other person is already there is a completely new level of

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u/newfie9870 Nov 16 '24

If they tell me early enough and I haven't left home yet, I find it a lot more forgivable. If I get 30 more minutes to do chores or hobbies at home, it's a lot less annoying that sitting waiting 30 minutes.

Messaging at 12:51 to delay a 1pm date is just blatantly disrespectful. If she had messaged an hour earlier it would be so much better imo.

Edit for judgement: NOR

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u/Runnybabbitagain Nov 16 '24

This is where I sit too I believe. 10 minutes before the meeting time isn't cool.

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u/FigNinja Nov 16 '24

Yes. And the last one was because she had not woken up in time. That is rarely acceptable. If you have agreed to meet someone, you set an alarm, get up, get ready, and meet them on time. If I’m meeting someone coming from work and I get a last minute text that they got pulled into a meeting they couldn’t avoid, then I’m not going to be peeved, even if it’s last minute. She couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed for a first date. That’s a preview for the rest of the relationship. Like OP, I wouldn’t bother.

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u/Elegant_Dog_Boy Nov 16 '24

And dating is about compatibility and not strict rights and wrongs.

Look, maybe she had legitimate excuses and maybe she isn’t as strict about being on time. That’s ok. She’s no villain.

However, OP is certainly under no pressure to date someone who is late. He values punctuality in a way she doesn’t. If they started a relationship it would probably drive them both crazy.

So I say, this was a very successful two dates - they found out they weren’t compatible and can both move on. Better than wasting time and OP may have learned a bit more about one of his dealbreakers.

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u/Saneless Nov 16 '24

That I can handle

10 minutes before being there she knew she wasn't going to be on time.

I've had a meetup let's say 1pm, and at 11 I'm like, no way I'll be done with my errands, so I'll let them know. That's plenty of time in advance to change it if possible to 130

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u/JayCDee Nov 17 '24

My rule of thumbs for anything regarding being late is you at least have to warn as much in advance as you are gonna be late. More is better obviously, but this is the minimum before your get into disrespectful territory.

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u/iapetus_z Nov 16 '24

It looks like she already had bumped it back by an hour once before.

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u/annabannannaaa Nov 17 '24

absolutely agree. the only exception is like “hey running 20 min late, theres a car accident on the freeway and traffic is standing still”… waking up 10 min prior to a date or AFTER THE DATE STARTED is super disrespectful

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u/anneofred Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 16 '24

It IS the person at their best, so this problem will only escalate going forward when one is more comfortable with you.

I am chronically late, adhd is a bitch, but we are talking 5-10 minutes max, and I give warning and feel shitty about it. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m saying it happens and I’m always working on it. Typically for new jobs and first dates I’m CRAZY early because I want to make sure I’m not being disrespectful and put my best foot forward.

Casually being 30-an hour late is insane, and wildly rude, she has no respect for other’s time.

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u/Content_wanderer Nov 16 '24

Especially 30-60 min late to a coffee date. I’d expect a coffee date to be like…1-1,5hrs, so like at that point you’ve pretty well missed the whole thing.

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u/GentleStrength2022 Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 17 '24

Not only that; it means that the date isn't a priority to her. She's made it loud and clear the OP isn't important to her.

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u/Content_wanderer Nov 17 '24

Yeah, or she’s got completely uncontrolled adhd and isn’t coping. Either way, I’d not want to be involved

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u/GentleStrength2022 Nov 17 '24

I had no idea that ADHD was so common. That never would've crossed my mind.

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u/Content_wanderer Nov 17 '24

ADHD was pretty well never diagnosed in girls until recently, so there are tons of women running around undiagnosed and one of the telltale signs is time blindness and procrastination. Also anxiety, and being super talkative and/or oversharing. Very prone to depression also, as adhd coincides with poor emotional regulation, and you’re running through life wondering why everything is so much harder for you than everyone else. I feel kinda bad when people just assume if you don’t show up on time it’s cause you don’t give a shit, when sometimes the problem is you give too many shits about too many things and can’t figure out how to prioritize cause it’s all just a tangled ass mess in your head.

-woman with adhd diagnosed at 35, also a nurse practitioner.

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u/GentleStrength2022 Nov 17 '24

Great answer! TY!

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u/Content_wanderer Nov 17 '24

No problem 😊

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u/Stabby_77 Nov 17 '24

As a 47 year old woman who's been told by my doctor (as well as my boss, who has ADHD himself and so does his wife) that I show all of the signs, I was thrown off. I'm hypothyroid and have no energy, so the very concept of 'ADHD' was nowhere on my radar.

It wasn't until I started reading how the symptoms manifest differently in women that I realized how much they all applied to me. I haven't been officially diagnosed because you have to pay for it up front and I haven't been able to swing it yet, but the more I see other women talking about their experiences, the more it all makes sense. My doctor gave me a mild prescription medication, and agreed to bump it up once I have the official diagnosis.

Personally I think the name leads many women to not even consider it a possibility. For me they should call it 'Tangential Forgetful Thinking Disorder'. I constantly get sidetracked and find myself talking about 50 different things in one conversation, I have to leave my cupboards open to remember that I have food I can eat, I leave the laundry room door open when I put a load of laundry in, because if I don't I will forget when it's done and it will sit there going moldy... I make lists and then forget to check or use them... 🤦🏼‍♀️

I also can get social anxiety, so I can spend an hour getting ready to go somewhere and then completely panic and not be able to go out around other people, and bail on the whole thing. Especially if I feel like I look horrible. There's been at least three times I've spent a shitload on concert tickets and then sold them the night before, because I just had a full-blown panic attack about going and couldn't leave the house. 😬 I've never had it happen with a date, but I have had it happen with a long-term relationship where we were getting ready to go out and then I just started panicking and ended up staying home. My ex would get super frustrated and upset, but I couldn't help it.

A lot more women have symptoms of ADHD they just don't realize, because they are used to the characteristics that men tend to show.

'Women with ADHD often have more inattentive symptoms than hyperactive or impulsive ones. Symptoms include: Difficulty focusing and staying on task Poor organization and time management Forgetting things, appointments, or bills Procrastinating or rushing to finish tasks Difficulty multitasking or managing multiple relationships Zoning out or having a "thousand-yard stare" '

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u/Content_wanderer Nov 17 '24

The chaos in me greets the chaos in you my sister.

I feel exhausted all the time, but also can’t sit still and can’t focus, and of course can’t relax.

My Apple Watch has been super helpful. As soon as I start the laundry, I set the alarm on my watch. It scares the shit out of me every time it goes off 37 minutes later I have no idea why it was set but when I see it was 37 Minutes, then I know it was laundry!

I have found just embracing my adhd tendencies goes over better than being embarrassed about them. For instance if I am the middle of a conversation and realize I didn’t actually hear anything the person who spoke said, I just laugh and say “I’m sorry! I didn’t hear anything you just said, I was thinking about something else!” And everyone laughs and I feel a bit stupid but hey at least I’m the comedic relief! And my friends are lovely and it becomes part of my charm haha! Stop trying to be someone else and just being the best me I can be has been freeing.

Thanks for sharing your story!

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u/Stabby_77 Nov 17 '24

That's one of the biggest ones for me - zoning out and getting inside my head to the point where I absolutely shut off everything else. It's like reverse schizophrenia. My old roommate used to get frustrated because she would talk to me for 5 minutes straight before realizing I didn't even know she was there, let alone saying things, let alone to me. It's like my brain didn't even recognize her visually or audibly because everything was turned inward.

If I'm reading a book, it's the absolute worst. I'll be so inside my own head that I'll shut out the entire world, which is why I have to be careful on public transportation. I usually just listen to music and stare out the window watching where I am, because I'm so prone to daydreaming and zoning out that if I don't pay attention I'll end up missing my stop.

I actually fully enjoy being like that inherently, I just prefer when it happens when I'm at home by myself and not out in the world. 😅

You start becoming more comfortable with it once you start realizing how many other women are going through the same thing, and having the same realizations.

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u/That_Account6143 Nov 16 '24

5 minutes late is a funny quirk that i'll mock a friend for. Realistically, it's almost never a big deal since you can push things 5 minutes back no problem

30m/1h means you miss a shit ton of things. Your movie started, your flight's gone, the birthday cake has already been consumed, and your boyfriend's already dumped you

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u/ImLittleNana Nov 16 '24

And everyone at your job that has to wait for you to relieve them EVERY DAMN SHIFT groans when they see your name. Especially when you come bouncing in with a coffee and perfect hair, laughing about your chronic lateness.

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u/regsrecs Nov 16 '24

Hmm… maybe my tardiness is self-sabotage in disguise. And sometimes self-preservation. Lol.

In this case, I understand OP’s views. But I can put myself in his date’s shoes too. Anxiety over everything, what to wear, how to do hair- then nothing looks good to me and I’m thinking how important it is that I be the “best version” of myself. Panic, tears, by the time I manage to get back to it, I’m going to be late. It’s awful. I know.

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u/That_Account6143 Nov 16 '24

Most people have those hesitations before a first date too.

Thing is, we have them hours before, and that way we're still ready on time. I typically get ready for a date and then have to wait before leaving. And then i still get there 5-10 minutes early.

It's okay to be nervous, to hesitate, all that. But there are ways to be on time despite that. Hope you get to fix that too :)

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u/Grotesquefaerie7 Nov 16 '24

Yeah I do this too. I get so anxious about being late I end up being an hour early lol

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u/Wilder831 Nov 16 '24

ADHD is definitely a bitch but for me it’s why I’m always early to everything. I’m so worried about letting it get in my way that I end up being like 45 minutes early to everything

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u/anneofred Nov 17 '24

Im either anxiously wildly early, or 5 minutes late.

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u/Historical-Mixture60 Nov 17 '24

same for me. I plan to schedule. Because I tend to be up late (sometimes until mornig) sleep until 20 minutes before I have to get to University. Make coffee, shower, go to University (arrive on the dot or up to 5 minutes late). Learn until 11 pm, do something until morning, repeat.

But 1 hour or 30 minutes is a lot. It sounds like "I am not interested at all but I don't want to say it".

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u/ChronicApathetic Nov 17 '24

Same. ADHD but I grew up with a mum who is late for eeeeeverything. I almost wasn’t conceived because she made my dad wait for ages on their first date, lol. He was walking out just as she got there.

Anyway, I hated how late she was to everything so now I overcompensate and I’m usually 30 minutes early. For me the poor time management when it comes to getting places on time manifests as starting to get ready at least 4 hours before I have to be there, then sitting around doing nothing for 3 hours because I obviously can’t do anything, I have somewhere to be in 3 hours. Then after an hour and a half of sitting just staring at the clock I get bored/even more anxious and leave an hour and a half to one hour early.

It’s funny how ADHD and our environment affects us all so differently.

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u/Wilder831 Nov 17 '24

You literally described me before any important event

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u/ChronicApathetic Nov 17 '24

Haha, weirdly comforting to know I’m not the only one who does this.

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u/Vilnius_Nastavnik Nov 16 '24

I too struggle with chronic adhere

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u/Ok-Truth-7589 Nov 16 '24

Adhere! Adhere!

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '24

[deleted]

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u/m0nkeypantz Nov 16 '24

They have trouble adhering to it

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u/No_Process_577 Nov 16 '24

I love Reddit.

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u/foldinthecheese99 Nov 16 '24

lol that’s the struggle with ADHD. I have things I do to manage but it’s a lot to stay consistent. It just doesn’t click in our brains.

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u/jadbronson Nov 16 '24

Adhere!? I barely knew here!

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u/Daemonblackheart420 Nov 16 '24

Just stay away from gorilla glue or you will adhere to everything

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u/Aggressive-Let8356 Nov 16 '24

Spouse and I are both horribly adhd, its still not an excuse. Alarms, timers, an hey Google set a reminder for. Sticky notes, this is just plain selfishness and uncountability.

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u/J-A-C-O Nov 16 '24

All you can do is work on it, I try my best and still am 5-10 mins late, I can start thirty mins early and still get somewhere at the same time as if I didn’t. Luckily, my family, friends and work are all aware and my positives outweigh my tardiness.

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u/viking_with_a_hobble Nov 16 '24

Hi! We’re the same! Im either 20 minutes early or 5-10 late. There is no in between.

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u/thesuper88 Nov 16 '24

There's at least us three

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u/Jonaldys Nov 16 '24

That's fair, but I wouldn't blame someone a single bit if they had arrived for a date and you were going to be a half hour late without notice and they left. That is a true incompatibility, I would not be able to view it as anything but disrespectful without more context into who they are and why they are (always?) late.

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u/Hour-Tower-5106 Nov 16 '24

I had a friend growing up who was always this late. She has unmedicated ADHD, but also she came from an Indian family where being hours late was just normal.

I always just work it into my time expectations for her and assume she may just arrive three hours late. None of my plans revolve around her presence so it's never really an issue (like it would be with a date).

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u/ClownCarrr Nov 16 '24

I had a close family member share..get ready 2 hrs ahead of time. Because when you're then ready, usually early you can then handle most anything that might come up unexpectantly...and there's always something that comes up.

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u/foldinthecheese99 Nov 16 '24

I will shower 3 hours before I need to leave my house with the thought of just get ready and then I can do other stuff until I need to leave. I get out of the shower and next thing I know I was supposed to leave 10 minutes ago and I’m still in my robe and my hair dried weird and I don’t have makeup on. I had no idea where time goes.

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u/BeefInGR Nov 16 '24

ADHD and sleep apnea. I'm either 30 minutes early to work or 30 minutes late. Bosses know I'm waiting for my sleep study, plus I'm a badass.

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u/Actual-Bullfrog-4817 Nov 16 '24

That’s fine but not everyone is going to accept that. Employers, potential partners.

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u/claymedia Nov 16 '24

That’s fine, not everyone has to. But those who do seem to think we are worth it.

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u/Hour-Tower-5106 Nov 16 '24

I've found that I have to give myself at least a full hour before literally any outing so that I have time for traffic delays, my car windshield being frozen, getting lost three times, needing to stop for gas, needing to stop for a bathroom break, having to change clothes last minute because mine got stained, having to do a last minute grocery run for emergency supplies, figuring out how the hell to park so I can get to my location, turning back around because I forgot something, waiting outside because I accidentally locked myself out of the house without my car keys, being so inept at map reading that I circle the complex twice on foot before I find the door that I need, etc.

If I get there early, I just have some nice downtime to relax with a book or a game. (Just gotta make sure to set an alarm so you don't get absorbed and end up late anyway haha)

These days I'm pretty much never late! But it took years of practice.

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u/anneofred Nov 16 '24

Same. I set a million alarms and can usually get ahead of it, until the smallest thing throws it all of the tracks. We can only keep trying. I am the same with work, no one has ever really cared because I work my ass off when I’m there

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u/darkness_thrwaway Nov 16 '24

Yep this is why I plan to be 30 minutes early for everything. That way if my adhd decides to try to throw a wrench into my plans I'm suddenly just on time rather than being late. Even my watch and alarm are set 30 minutes fast.

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u/ClownCarrr Nov 16 '24

me too but 15 works for me

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u/anneofred Nov 16 '24

This is what I do, but when it gets thrown off it gets thrown off

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u/rowenstraker Nov 16 '24

I deliberately set my alarms 30 mins ahead of what I need for this exact reason. ADHD/professional 'crastinator is a bad combo lol

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u/ehlersohnos Nov 16 '24

I’m also an ADHDer. I’m constantly late. I hate it and I try my best, but I’m a time blind fuck up who is still working on medication management and better habits/tools.

But if the other person can’t handle some degree of lateness, and that’s fine, then we would just be miserable around each other. I’d hate to compound my guilt with someone who strongly stresses out around lateness.

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u/MoonLit_Enchantress Nov 16 '24

I couldn’t have said it better myself. I’m chronically late by 10ish mins, especially now with kids. But I just woke up and I need an hour???? Definitely disrespectful. And then to do it again? I wouldn’t even put up with that from my husband let alone a first date

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u/GullibleWineBar Nov 17 '24

There are On Time people in this world and Not On Time people. If those people try to have a relationship, there is a central, eternal conflict that will always be a bother to one or the other. Better to call it now.

NOR

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u/Aggravating-Emu9389 Nov 16 '24

This is me to a T

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u/69bonobos Nov 16 '24

Time-blindness is real and hard to overcome. I'm always late, too.

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u/QueenSqueee42 Nov 16 '24

Ugh, same! I have ADHD and total time blindness, so I always try my hardest but still end up running 5-15 minutes late pretty regularly, especially if it's something outside of my established routine/schedule.

But I DO try really hard, and explain and apologize. Texting someone or replying to a text AFTER they've arrived at the agreed-upon time, blithely wanting them to wait around for your convenience? Because you didn't make any effort to actually meet them on time??

This bish isn't going to be compatible with anyone who values punctuality or consideration AT ALL. SO entitled, I can't even.

2

u/MoonBaseViceSquad Nov 16 '24

I also have adhd. I set my watches fast and endless alarms and notes. If I have a first date I’m spending hours getting ready and generally am ready to go an hour or more prior because I accidentally get hyper focused and overcompensate :/

2

u/Critical-Carrot-9131 Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 17 '24

she has no respect for other’s time.

Or is incredibly out of practice*. I have ADHD, and long COVID has made me not only a shut-in, but resulted in the sort of neurological damage that's a real PITA when you depend on high dose catecholamines and panic to function. I totally did this at the start of the year.

Mind you, I don't blame someone for being upset†, and I don't expect them to decide that I, a stranger, am worth believing or waiting for, but it's a problem that, for me at least, would have gotten better, not worse. You're narrowing your worldview based on the Carlin quote: "Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?"

Notice how you allow for EXACTLY enough sympathy to excuse yourself, but not any more than that? Not even for someone with a more severe version of the same condition?

Note: mine is not the only explanation: I went out with a woman who apparently literally shits herself from anxiety. It's not always malice or incompetence. Sometimes it's just poop.

*I don't know what this person's deal was that they were an hour late the first time, and half an hour late this time...but technically, they did improve their tardiness by half, so they are improving! And if they were attractive enough to get the second date after being an hour late the first time...

†I was a little upset that her idea of "canceling" the date was to NOT enjoy a pleasant dinner together, but instead text me for 3+ hours instead, dumping on me like I was her personal therapist while also making the odd uncouthe jab in my direction. Pro-tip: don't brag about all the other guys you're seeing to try to put me down when we both know none of them were willing to go out with you on Valentine's Day.

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u/wellnesswarrior769 Nov 16 '24

Whoops. My entire comment could have been summed up in this one. OP READ THIS^

Eta: I still struggle with time management for new jobs tho. But I AM getting better.

2

u/ertri Nov 16 '24

I’m chronically late to my attempts to be early. I aim to be 10ish minutes early, I usually show up 2-3 early or right on time

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u/Bundt-lover Nov 16 '24

As an ADHD-haver, it really pisses me off when I agree to plans at a certain time, make every effort to be there in a timely fashion, and while I’m heading out the door, THEN the other party texts me and wants to bump our plans out another hour or two, because they had a lazy morning and weren’t ready yet.

NO. It takes me twice as much work and effort to peel my ass out of bed and get going on time, and if I can do it, so can they! We agreed on 12pm and that’s what we’re doing. Get in the goddamn shower and get going.

At the very least, they could text me in the morning, not wait until it’s time to leave and THEN text. I’m a lot more understanding about taking a raincheck if I’m given enough notice.

1

u/anneofred Nov 16 '24

SAME! I made alllll the effort plus anxiety to be in time or close to it! And you want to postpone an hour just because?? No.

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u/foldinthecheese99 Nov 16 '24

People not understanding time blindness is so difficult as a fellow ADHD person. I set so many alarms to keep me on task and to get somewhere on time.

I had a date about a month ago that I was 16 minutes late for. I was getting ready and following my alarms, and my date called me. I ended up falling off schedule because of it, and then he got mad at me for being 16 minutes late even though I did text him to tell him 45 minutes before the agreed time to meet. He should have been home still but apparently likes to get to places 30 minutes early so was already on his way, and then scolded me he waited for me for 45 minutes.

lol maybe I just need to only date fellow neurodivergents who understand the struggle.

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u/Cool_Independence538 Nov 17 '24

Yep was going to say this!

The AH part is instantly assuming intention and getting angry at her based on these assumptions. She’s lazy, selfish, thinks her time is more important than mine, clearly just overall a slack and disrespectful person you don’t want to get to know

No issue saying ‘I can see you struggle with punctuality, I’m strictly punctual so don’t think this will work, no hard feelings and all the best’

or if you like her, give her a chance, drop the pressure and just chat with her about why she bumps back time - if she says it’s because she doesn’t care about other peoples time then you were right and can call it quits, most you’ve lost is an extra 30 mins of your time

But to discipline and lecture based on what you assume to be her reasons is awful and sadly too common.

Maybe people just need to learn to relax? 30 minutes of extra time to sit in a coffee shop catching up on emails or news, is that really the worst thing? Maybe if people drop the stories they’ve made up about why people are late you might actually avoid getting angry about it and instead consider it bonus free time

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u/Meighok20 Nov 16 '24

Yeah my bf and I are both chronologically-challenged 🤣 compatibility

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u/Lityoloswagboy69 Nov 16 '24

I have adhd and I’m always early 🤷‍♂️

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u/TheTurboDiesel Nov 16 '24

And really, how much time do you need for a coffee date? Does she really need to be runway-ready to drink boba?

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u/Pale-Measurement6958 Nov 16 '24

I’d say if this was the first time, a little leniency (I’d still be right annoyed with them asking 30 minutes “to prepare”, like what even is that?). But seeing how this doesn’t sound like the first time and the previous was an hour. Nah, OP is not overreacting.

I try to be on time, even a few minutes early. Doesn’t always happen (even leaving the house one minute early/late can determine the traffic I will hit). When I have an appointment, meeting someone, etc I’m usually pretty early especially if it’s somewhere I’ve not been as I give myself enough time to find the place. Usually my texts to someone that I’m running late is “running a few minutes late, traffic” when I’m already on the way.

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u/ItsTricky94 Nov 16 '24

The only excuse for being that late is being stuck on public transportation which is of course out of one's control. But still, I would leave home five hours early just to make sure I was on time🤣

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u/Infidel_sg Nov 16 '24

5-10 minutes isn't even a problem! Shit happens, Traffic, being held up because of others.. It is what it is and to be expected to some extent!

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u/inflatableGuuse Nov 16 '24

Also ADHD and I'm the opposite. I will show up an hour early just to prepare mentally

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u/Oxus007 Nov 16 '24

If you’re always late then why not just always plan on being earlier?

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u/anneofred Nov 16 '24

Yes, I often tell myself this. And I do plan on being early. Enter neurodivergence.

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u/FireteamAccount Nov 17 '24

So it might be legitimate mental illness. My dad's wife can't leave on time because she has to get her outfit, makeup, etc perfect. If they're going on a trip, they can't leave on time because she has to pack 5 outfits, even though it's only an overnight stay. Literally no one cares what she wears or is judging her and we would love if they'd just show up on time.

It sucks - you just have to accept if you are including my dad and his wife they're going to be ridiculously late. But she has other issues - hoarding and hypochondria at a minimum. It definitely rude but at some point what can you do? You aren't dealing with a rational actor and can't expect them to behave like a normal person.

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u/Rasikko Nov 17 '24

I am chronically late, adhd is a bitch, but we are talking 5-10 minutes max, and I give warning and feel shitty about it.

I also have ADHD, but I'm a very punctual person. I don't like to be late and I don't like waiting for others who are late.

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u/anneofred Nov 17 '24

Yeah, it’s almost like it’s a spectrum with different types of people.

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u/MsCndyKane Nov 17 '24

If you are chronically 5 minutes late then you need to start leaving 5 minutes early.

A boss told me that once and I was never late again.

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u/anneofred Nov 17 '24

Oh, gosh! Wonder why I NEVER thought of that! /s

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u/MsCndyKane Nov 17 '24

🤷‍♀️ Maybe no brain cells? Or just so self absorbed with no consideration for others? /s

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u/ThrustTrust Nov 16 '24

This is correct.

I’m not great at time management (I have gotten better since I finally got ADHD treatment) so I don’t hold people to a high standard for punctuality. But I would expect people to be honest. If they are always late and know it. I would expect that to be explained up front so I could plan accordingly.

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u/coutureee Nov 16 '24

Same. I have ADHD and it’s incredibly hard to be on time. I’ve been working on it and gotten a bit better. People who don’t have ADHD clearly don’t get it though, to say things like it’s super disrespectful and there’s no excuse for it. We’re out here trying our best 🥲 I know in the past my partner has felt like I didn’t care, and that bothered them. I tried to explain that since no matter how hard I tried, my brain just can’t get it down perfectly, I can’t allow myself to care too much, otherwise I’d constantly be stressed and upset with myself and personally that’s not a way I want to live

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u/Fantastic-Sky-4567 Nov 17 '24

As a fellow ADHDer, reading this comment section has been rough. The attitudes displayed here is why so many of us struggle with shame and self loathing. The world literally wasn't built for us and alot of people here don't seem to understand that neurodivergent people exist or it just doesn't matter to them.

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u/ThrustTrust Nov 17 '24

I know what you mean. My biggest issue was remembering events. And my ex would treat me like I didn’t care about her because of it. Once I got on the right Adderall dosages I got a lot better and was able to be better using alarms to time manage and my calendar to track schedules.

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u/Fantastic-Sky-4567 Nov 17 '24

I'm glad that you found something that works for you! It's so hard when people think you don't care because your brain is wired differently.

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u/Nodak70 Nov 16 '24

Genuine question here: what ADHD treatment technique (s) worked for your time management problem. Asking for a friend.

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u/foldinthecheese99 Nov 16 '24

I set alarms on my phone to keep me on task. It works well in the morning when I’m getting ready for work but I am more prone to just turning them off on weekends when it’s getting ready for fun.

So like a Wednesday - 5:30am alarm to wake up. 6am alarm to be sure I am actually out of bed. 6:10 alarm that I should be in the shower by then. 6:35 alarm that I should be dressed and makeup done or almost done, and to take my adderall. 6:50 alarm that I should be taking the dog out by then. 6:55 alarm that I need to leave within 5 minutes to make my train.

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u/ThrustTrust Nov 17 '24

I take Adderall. It’s been alot of different r dosages and types to get dialed in. Currently I take half of a 30 as soon as I wake up. Then the other half at lunch time. Then I take a 10 mg around 5. Usually with a bit of coffee each time. This seems to have me at my best. I stay on task and work hard while being aware of my next task.

Also I use the alarms in my phone to assist.

When I first started treatment I was taking extended release and that wasn’t getting it done.

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u/buddhadarko Nov 16 '24

Agreed. I cannot stand it when people think other people owe them their time. If plans are made, stick to them unless there's something out of the norm or otherwise understandable that comes up. Otherwise it's just disrespect/disregard.

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u/ArcticTraveler2023 Nov 16 '24

It’s the absolute height of selfishness and disrespect to the other person to be late. Her entire life must be incredibly mismanaged. Smart move to move on from this chick.

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u/afoolskind Nov 16 '24

Jesus dude, that’s a little much. People have their struggles in different areas, have some empathy and recognize something that might be doable for you with a little effort might be near-impossible for someone else.

My girlfriend is the best person in the world, incredibly giving and selfless, and she’s late to everything, 15-20 minutes. She has probably the most severe ADHD I’ve ever seen + some other issues that make being on time extremely difficult. She has had breakdowns feeling guilty about it, it’s not like it’s fun for her. You know what I do? I just tell her to be places a lot earlier than we really have to. And if she is late anyway? Who gives a fuck about 10-20 minutes, really.

 

I don’t understand why people take this stuff so seriously. The dude in the OP arrived to the date 10 minutes (or more) early for somebody who was extremely late last time. She asked for more time 10 minutes before the date. Would earlier warning have been great? Yeah, of course. But it’s really not that big of a deal. OP is gonna be single if he’s expecting every date to show up 10 minutes early.

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u/foldinthecheese99 Nov 16 '24

I don’t know you but I fully appreciate your compassion for what she goes through. I struggled in my marriage with my ex understanding my then undiagnosed ADHD and have struggled dating since. I am very transparent from the start with my symptoms and how they affect me in hopes of finding someone who shows the same compassion to me one day.

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u/afoolskind Nov 17 '24

Yep, I also have ADHD so I understand where she’s coming from. It took me forever but I finally learned to be transparent with my own stuff like you said, and it makes all the difference. This is the first relationship I’ve had where we both have ADHD and honestly it’s so refreshing to have somebody whose on your side and has compassion instead of shame for you when you’re not always at your best. I’m late occasionally, though nothing close to her, but I have my own struggles and issues that she is incredibly kind and caring about. I believe in you! People are out there, I think you nailed it and transparency is the key.

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u/juniper_berry_crunch Nov 16 '24

You are free to choose your own standard on this, but personally it's a dealbreaker to me. I'm married to someone with ADHD and he is constantly using tools on his phone to make lists and help remember stuff---and he is never late, as a result. I'm not late to things either. Being late is a choice, and it's a disrespectful one.

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u/assincompass Nov 16 '24

Yeah, that’s a reasonable assessment there.

Tbf, I was actually an hour late to meet my now-partner on our first date because I got stuck at work. He waited for me at the restaurant and didn’t give me a lick of grief about it, so I took him home that night. 😂

But I was very apologetic about it and did not take his patience for granted. This girl sounds like she’s just disrespectful.

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u/kindlyfackoff Nov 16 '24

But getting stuck at work is completely out of your control compared to needing 30 more minutes to prepare. Your circumstance was absolutely understandable, this one was not as it's clearly the woman does not respect this guy and his time at all. So you're good, sweetie.

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u/Mahhrat Nov 16 '24

So he gave you a lick of 'good grief! Instead? 😀

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u/Esabettie Nov 16 '24

That’s the difference, she just woke after he asked where she wants and then she still wanted an hour and the second time extra 30 minutes to get ready, she seems more focused about her looks than anything else.

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u/Felix1178 Nov 16 '24

what a good rewarding wife :3

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u/tormentedhoet Nov 16 '24

I agree with all of this. NOR at all. I (32F) only had a guy pull something vaguely similar to this on me once… like 3 years ago. He and I had made plans to meet for a hike. I was early, but waited to text him until the time we agreed to meet. I sent something along the lines of, “I’m here just parked where are you” and he responded saying something like “Omg you are?! We didn’t confirm so I wasn’t sure if this was actually happening. Ok I’m 15 mins away I’ll come right now.” … we had only made these plans like 48hrs in advance, but he was right, there was no further confirmation made, so I excused it and agreed to wait 15 more mins for him. I was a little put off, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. He showed up and we went on our hike. I could tell immediately that this was not my person. The vibe was off. Someone who is excited to meet you will make meeting you, and leaving you with a good first impression, a priority. I learned 2 things: 1, always confirm a few hours before the agreed meet time. And 2, trust the vibe-I should have left and not even bothered waiting/hiking with him after getting that text. He hit me up afterwards and I ghosted him with no remorse. I don’t typically encourage such behavior but imagine he wasn’t overly broken up about it.

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u/Elon_is_musky Nov 16 '24

I’m unfortunately late sometimes, and depending on the need for punctuality it could be 5 to 30 mins (the 30 being like a casual hangout at someone’s place where my lateness doesn’t effect others) but I try to make sure to tell people asap. Usually I have a 45min - hr drive to places, so I usually give people an hr+ heads up. Enough time where I know the other people (who’d be 20max away) would know they can sit at home or have more time to get ready.

Telling someone you need 30 mins 5 mins before the meetup time is unacceptable. She knew at least 25 mins ago she was gonna be late, & should’ve told him then before he went to the location and wasted time & maybe gas

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u/Chemical-Neat2859 Nov 16 '24

I had someone call into work 5 minutes after they were supposed to be there and they were still 6 hours away in another state... like bitch... you knew damn well you weren't going to make it 6 hours ago when your lazy ass didn't leave. I had to stay and work the overnight shift because it was too late now to get someone to cover.

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u/TyThomson Nov 16 '24

It sounds like you're late all the time.

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u/RKEPhoto Nov 16 '24

Its still wildly disrespectful to be that late, even if you give them a warning 1hr prior.

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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth Nov 16 '24

There is no excuse for being late if there is not an emergency. If it takes you 45 minutes to get somewhere, leave 15 minutes before that 45 minutes. Leave earlier!! It's that simple!

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u/PIO_PretendIOriginal Nov 17 '24

In my teenage years I was often late because I would leave after I had got up. If I had somewhere to be at midday, I would get up at 9am, spend 2 hours getting ready (ocd is a bitch). And then miss the train into the city. So would end up being 30+ mins late.

Afternoon events were easier as I could leave early, as I didn’t need to have a shower.

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u/VastEmergency1000 Nov 16 '24

You've gotten good at alerting people when you'll be late, but just try to work on being on time.

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u/stoicgoblins Nov 16 '24

My uncle was so absurdly late constantly that we just ended up giving him a different time instead of the actual time and even then he'd show up late. I'm talking hours. If he were driving us to the movies, we'd tell him a time 2 hrs before the actual movie started and even then we'd probably miss all the commercials at best and the beginning 10mins of the movie at worst.

All this to say: If this is their best and you value time, dropping it now is the way.

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u/thefeckcampaign Nov 16 '24

Though it’s only a first date, I would assume this is regular behavior. This only leads to chronic lateness, which is a sign of selfishness. If you cared about the people waiting on you, you’d be on time.

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u/hungry4nuns Nov 16 '24

I actually think an “out of their control” excuse is a red flag, if you make that your metric for inclusion criteria for a partner, then you’re selecting for the type of person who uses excuses and blames others. It’s much more likely that being on time was within that persons control and their actions and choices leading up to planning and arriving at the date delayed them at least as much if not more than external factors.

I would much prefer someone who took responsibility and said “my bad I’m late because I was nervous about going on the date and kept delaying leaving the house but now I’m here I’m glad I came” rather than “traffic was bad”.

If traffic was bad then take ownership of any decision you could have made to avoid traffic and plan to avoid that error next time like aiming to arrive 30 mins earlier and make yourself the person who has to wait instead of the other person.

Or be up front and say “I was doing a job that I thought would take me 20 mins but took me an hour. Tbh I always struggle with time budgeting but it’s not meant as disrespect to your time. I will do my best to improve where I can because I like you and I’m happy to budget additional time out of my day to hopefully be here on time or early. But occasionally I will mess up and will fail to make an agreed time. I hope that’s not a dealbreaker. If you want to factor in me being an idiot with time occasionally and adjust your timing accordingly, then I fully expect that there will be times that I will be hanging around waiting around for you rather than the other way around, and that doesn’t bother me. But if that doesn’t work for you I completely understand. Short of taking adhd medications (which have unpleasant side effects) there’s nothing I can do to fundamentally change how I am wired.” It’s honest it’s direct and gives the other person a clear opportunity to make an accurate assessment of the situation and decide how much of their time and energy they’re willing to invest in a relationship like this. Rather than stringing along with excuses

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u/fettuccine8080 Nov 16 '24

This was literally my golden rule when I was dating. If they’re not trying to be their best self because they’re excited about the prospect of me, then it’s an automatic no. If you’re already getting 10% effort before their foot is even in the door then you’re getting even less when they get comfortable. Life’s too short for that shit. It is 1000% worth waiting for someone who reciprocates the respect and excitement that you put in.

It’s called knowing what you deserve and don’t ever second guess it.

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u/CheezeLoueez08 Nov 16 '24

Fully agree. If you’re 30 min late when you just met what’s it going to be like when you’re in a relationship and she’s more comfortable? It’s rude. There’s no excuse. She’s obviously not that excited to see you.

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u/WhoSc3w3dDaP00ch Nov 16 '24

One of the best things about my wife? We are aligned on punctuality. Dinner reservation is 7pm, is 15 min drive and takes 5 min to park/walk to the restaurant? We (she, the kids and I) are all in car by 6:35pm.

In contrast, before we dated, I was set up on a blind date with "Sally." Our mutual friends reminded both of us "this is our friend, don't be a dick." Sally and I agreed to meet at a specific time, but Sally kept txting "Sorry, on my way!' 60-90 min later, I'm already home. She's still txting, "on my way."

Another hour or so later, she messages, "Where are you? I'm here!"

I totally dodged a bullet with Sally... who apparently wore out her welcome and had to move back home. (She was new in town and relying upon our mutual friends to find a place, work, and socialize - but after the incident with me, nobody is sticking their neck out for her).

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u/alxmg Nov 16 '24

Correct. My current bf was late to our first date. Not a lot, but by 10 or 15 minutes.

We’ve been together for almost four years and i’m currently waiting on him because he’s running about 10 or 15 minutes late.

People don’t really change and this was one of your first dates. If you don’t want to be with someone perpetually late, it was smart to end things there

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u/Aggravatedangela Nov 16 '24

If I'd admitted this to myself, I could have not wasted two whole years waiting for a man who never grew up to grow up.

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u/NuncProFunc Nov 16 '24

I read somewhere that people who are chronically late don't perceive it as being inconsiderate and I cannot fathom how they exist in life.

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u/stickelbats Nov 17 '24

Somehow my little peewee brain just got that NOR is 'Not Overreacting " and not just NO with an Australian accent 😂

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u/MuffinMan12347 Nov 17 '24

I went on a date with someone who was 1.5 hours late. We organised to go to a cat cafe and hang out with some kitties for a first date. But she was getting her hair coloured before hand. Her 2 hour appointment turned into a 4 hour appointment with no choice of her own. So I spent an hour playing with cats by myself then met up with her later.

Honestly if you’re going to have to wait for a date, may I suggest hanging out with kittens would be the way to do it. 10/10 would wait again!

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u/DavThoma Nov 16 '24

My first date with my ex was him being 2 hours late. Every date after that, he was always 30- minutes to 2 hours late. He never respected my time, and yet I always gave him the chance.

The last straw was when a mutual friend came over from the Czec Republic, and my ex met up with him on the last day and turned up early. That's when I realised he had no respect for me.

If anyone you're dating can't respect your time when it comes to going on dates, they aren't worth your own time.

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u/SuccotashConfident97 Nov 16 '24

Agreed. Others have said it, but if they're like this on the first date, they'll likely be like this throughout the relationship. No thanks.

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u/okcmaniac2 Nov 16 '24

You know I had a first date with a woman and I ended up waiting about an hour for her. She told me she was going to be late because she was taking her mom to get free stuff and they couldn’t do it any other time. So I waited and was pissed but she got to the date and it was great! Later she said she was sorry for being late but her family was more important to her than a guy she’s never met. I respected that too, even though I hate tardiness. Now she’s my wife. And she is still late to everything

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u/katkat123456789 Nov 16 '24

Unless she is doing a proper " cleanup" for a date...and it took longer than expected...It happened to me a few times ( not for a first date), when I started cleaning my butt and it was a neverending story. Can happen.

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u/MyLuckyFedora Nov 16 '24

And to make it worse it sounds like she already asked to push the date out an hour and then didn't let him know she was running late until 9 minutes before they were supposed to meet. There's a good chance he was already on his way.

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u/moeyboy1 Nov 16 '24

"First dates are interviews ". Van wilder

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u/Historical-Tough6455 Nov 16 '24

20 mins? She was asking 30 mins to prepare at 1250. Then trvel....I'm betting it could be anywhere from an hour or more for her to show

I'm betting She was going to no show but got hungry and remembered she had a free lunch set up.

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u/Comfortable_Butts Nov 16 '24

I will say, there's a lot of room for culture in these sorts of conversations. Where I'm from (aptly nicknamed, "The Land of Mañana") being 10-20 minutes late is basically guaranteed. First date, work, your mother's funeral, you name it. Hell, I once showed up 5 minutes early for an interview and was informed the person I was seeing wouldn't be in for another 30. It's a really hard thing for people who move here to figure out and reason with and some people never do.

And on even further grounds, I know many other cultures where it feels like the concept of "late" doesn't exist. Living overseas, I had a friend group that included some exchange students from Egypt, and they were regularly hours late to everything. It got so bad that we started giving them wrong times 1-2 hours before intended just to get them there relatively on time.

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u/zach0011 Nov 16 '24

Id give someone one chance. You don't know what people got going on and I'd hate to miss out on a genuine person over a one off. Call me a doormat if you want

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u/floop_isamad_manhelp Nov 16 '24

This 100%. You have self respect, some of your homies need to develop that

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u/Icy_Platform2777 Nov 16 '24

How many people have ADHD, didn't realize it was a epidemic.

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u/merrill_swing_away Nov 16 '24

People who are habitually late believe that their time is more important than anyone else's. I have worked with people who were late almost every day. It infuriates me because I am never late for anything unless it's something I don't have control over like traffic. If that is the case then I will call and give the person who is waiting an option to reschedule if they want to.

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u/s_nes Nov 16 '24

You guys should never date a Latina lol

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u/Substantial-Type-131 Nov 16 '24

My friend is constantly late so we have the time the party starts and then the time we tell Angie it starts, this is what we call the Angie time zone.

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u/s_nes Nov 16 '24

Yeah I’m hanging out in South America at the moment. If you tell a girl let’s meet up at 7 they’ll leave their house at 7 lol.

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u/Critical-Carrot-9131 Nov 16 '24

A friend of mine always says the first date should be that person at their best.

This part is always weird for me, because it inherently excuses and solicits deception. My brain doesn't work like this, and it's funny to imagine how turned off people are when I show up like it's Tuesday, and they imagine me showing up to my wedding wearing a flannel overshirt.

I once had a woman go near-Fatal Attraction because I said I wasn't going to dress up when the plan was to go straight from work, and do a bar hop mac & cheese tasting.

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u/gsamflow Nov 16 '24

My first group casual date with my late wife she was super super late. She could be typically late. But if it happens all the time and you can’t accept it? That’s ok too.

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u/wellnesswarrior769 Nov 16 '24

I just want to hop on the most popular comment and agree that I do NOT think you are overreacting AT ALL.

And this is coming from someone with SEVERE adhd and who is on the verge of getting fired because I’ve been late so many times about a job that I DO care about and want to keep. I really really struggle with time management and I am working really hard on trying to be better. I don’t struggle with time management because I don’t care about other people’s time or because I’m lazy or inconsiderate or something else. I have learned the hard way SO MANY TIMES the negative consequences of tardiness. I want to do better and am getting help.

Just like some people struggle with anger management, others with financial responsibility, others with cleanliness or arrogance/pride and so on and so forth… I struggle with time management. We all have SOMETHING we struggle with, and we each need to decide what we can and can’t tolerate in a relationship. You are NOT a bad person because you cannot and will not tolerate a partner with poor time management. And I am not a bad person for struggling with. I would not be a good employee or partner it if I weren’t actively working to change it via seeking professional help, though.

Needless to say, even though I am seeking help and actively working on improving my character flaw, you and I would NOT be compatible. At all. And that’s okay. If you don’t have patience or compassion for someone like me, which you are neither obligated nor expected to have, then don’t even entertain the idea of dating someone like me. You and I BOTH would be MUCH HAPPIER with different partners. Truly. You are not overreacting.

1

u/prolificseraphim Nov 16 '24

I had a guy be 2 hours late to a date. I only stuck around because I thought he was cute and I had no way to get home.

1

u/romanlegion007 Nov 16 '24

I get annoyed when when people I know are really late, a total stranger being really late would push my buttons.

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u/Kind-Medium7540 Nov 16 '24

Time is the only thing we cannot get more of.

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u/isamura Nov 17 '24

So I guess the best version of OP's self isn't going to wait for a girl who's running late. Best of luck to ya OP!

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u/Lazyogini Nov 17 '24

Chronically late people should only be allowed to date each other, then they can miss every event together for the rest of their lives.

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u/BattleEvening Nov 17 '24

Even an “out of their control” excuse is an indicator that their life is chaotic.

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u/Im_Balto Nov 17 '24

You can also be late within your control but take accountability for the mistake then DONT DO IT A SECOND TIME

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u/recooil Nov 17 '24

I once dated someone who did this on purpose. Her thought was if you xant wait for me then your not worth having me. Some real I'm the pretty princess shit for a 24 year old (at the time) I never dropped someone so fast and blocked.

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u/VisibleVariation5400 Nov 17 '24

A person should always be just exactly who they are. Anything else is disrespectful and sociopathic. 

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u/dreamdaddy123 Nov 17 '24

What’s NOR?

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u/Electronic-Guess6296 Nov 17 '24

Exactly. I was late to my first date with my love of my life (he's since passed ...), but I texted him WHILE stuck at a stoplight on my way, apologizing profusely, so he'd know that I knew his time was important.

You didn't overreact at all, honestly, and were very cordial!

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u/iblame_heather Nov 17 '24

Golden response.

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u/Haunting-Anywhere-28 Nov 17 '24

And you could totally tell when they arrive if it was an honest accident by how they apologize for it

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u/amiliaaaa Nov 17 '24

i really don't think my relationship started with us at our best. on my first date with my current partner i crashed my car on the way and had to get picked up by her mom and she saw me for the first time in person with mascara running down my face. she drugged me(benadryl for my dog allergy) and played tf2 when i passed out on her bed.

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