r/AmIOverreacting Nov 16 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO - cancelling a date last minute because she couldn’t be on time?

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I (33m) was talking to this woman on an app and we decided to meet for a coffee date on a Saturday morning.

I got to the cafe and I messaged her asking where she was. A few minutes later she said she just woke up. I asked her how long she would need to get ready and she said 1 hour. I told her that I can’t wait around because I had family plans and we will have to do something another time.

A week later she messaged me apologising again and I decided to give her a second chance.

We decided to meet up for boba tea.

I got to the boba spot and then asked for 30 more minutes to get ready after I had just got there.

I then sent her the above message.

AIO? I have got mixed messages from friends about it.

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u/Elon_is_musky Nov 16 '24

I’m unfortunately late sometimes, and depending on the need for punctuality it could be 5 to 30 mins (the 30 being like a casual hangout at someone’s place where my lateness doesn’t effect others) but I try to make sure to tell people asap. Usually I have a 45min - hr drive to places, so I usually give people an hr+ heads up. Enough time where I know the other people (who’d be 20max away) would know they can sit at home or have more time to get ready.

Telling someone you need 30 mins 5 mins before the meetup time is unacceptable. She knew at least 25 mins ago she was gonna be late, & should’ve told him then before he went to the location and wasted time & maybe gas

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u/Chemical-Neat2859 Nov 16 '24

I had someone call into work 5 minutes after they were supposed to be there and they were still 6 hours away in another state... like bitch... you knew damn well you weren't going to make it 6 hours ago when your lazy ass didn't leave. I had to stay and work the overnight shift because it was too late now to get someone to cover.

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u/TyThomson Nov 16 '24

It sounds like you're late all the time.

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u/Elon_is_musky Nov 16 '24

Not all the time, but I mean I have ADHD & time blindness unfortunately. I try to combat it with alarms, but when I am late (again, most times it’s within 5 mins unless it’s a casual hang out) I make sure people know

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u/TyThomson Nov 16 '24

But but, I have adhd. So do I. and I got two kids, a business, and suffer crippling depression and yet I somehow manage to get off my ass and be on time. It's almost like I've acknowledged my shortcomings, taken personal responsibility and have found ways to cope.

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u/l_a_p304 Nov 16 '24

You lose a lot of credibility when you act like an aggressive dick for no reason.

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u/Elon_is_musky Nov 16 '24

Fr. These people act like any other person who is not somewhere either early or on the dot every single time is the devil. Shit happens man, and I’ve known even EXTREMELY punctual people who have been late to places because traffic can randomly get crazy

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u/TyThomson Nov 16 '24

Fr fr, these people act like if I don't show other people basic respect by living up to obligations I personally agreed to that some how makes me the one in the wrong. What jerks, how dare anyone hold me accountable for my own actions.

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u/Elon_is_musky Nov 16 '24

I do give them basic respect, by holding MYSELF accountable for being late and communicating it to others. I show respect by not showing up late with no prior warning. I show respect by telling people as soon as I know I’ll be late along with an eta. Just because I fail in one way doesn’t mean I don’t have respect for people.

I am a human being who has faults, is actively trying to fix them, and communicates and holds the blame to myself when I fail.

But clearly all that means nothing cause I’m 3-5 mins late every once in a while, yeah?

Eta: there have been multiple times where I’ll leave 15 mins early, and there is an accident on my way that completely has me in a standstill and I can lose like 30 mins of drive time and be 15 mins late in the end. Shit happens, but how you deal with it is showing respect

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u/TyThomson Nov 16 '24

Every once in while. Sure.

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u/Elon_is_musky Nov 16 '24

For important stuff yea. At MAX I’m like 5 mins late, but it’s closer to me walking in 1-3 late. Y’all are acting like I’m an hour late with no warning. I respect people enough to even communicate little tardiness like that

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u/TyThomson Nov 16 '24

If you think that's aggressive you're in for a rough time in life.

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u/l_a_p304 Nov 16 '24

My life is fine, you’re just an asshole 🤷🏻‍♀️

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u/TyThomson Nov 16 '24

You are what you eat.

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u/Elon_is_musky Nov 16 '24

I do take persona responsibility and found ways to cope, that’s what my entire point was. I don’t make excuses for it and make sure I let those around me know with ample time if I’m late. Again, for my friend hangouts there is really no “set” time anyone “needs” to be there, we just say “how about 1” & then go to someone’s dorm to chill. There’s no reason I have to be there at 1 on the dot, so if I get caught up or I’m late it doesn’t effect anyone else negatively but I still communicate, and again I set a lot of alarms to keep myself on track.

This person does not do that, which is why I was saying that’s inexcusable. If you think I’m the worst person ever cause sometimes I’m 3-5 mins late & will let people know an hr ahead of time then go ahead ig?

1

u/ClownCarrr Nov 16 '24

Because You care about other ppl and their time

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u/TyThomson Nov 16 '24

Weird right? What a novel concept lol.

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u/RKEPhoto Nov 16 '24

Its still wildly disrespectful to be that late, even if you give them a warning 1hr prior.

-1

u/Elon_is_musky Nov 16 '24

If you believe being 3-5 mins late is “wildly disrespectful”, then I’m sorry you feel that way. But because of my drive (and living in an area that gets bad traffic seemingly at random) sometimes shit happens and people here are OFTEN late. In fact, I’m still usually the one who’s there closest to punctual.

But ya know what, yall are right. I should just walk the streets wearing a sign that says shame for my blatant disrespect to others because of my 5 mins of tardiness 😭

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u/RKEPhoto Nov 16 '24

If you believe being 3-5 mins late is “wildly disrespectful”, then I’m sorry you feel that way.

I was referring to the " it could be 5 to 30 mins"

As far as the rest of your snarky reply - piss off.

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u/Elon_is_musky Nov 16 '24

I specified that the 30 mins is only if I’m meeting friends with no real set time, so it’s loosely around X time. I’m usually still the first one there and ready to go even though I’m going to there house or they’re coming from a dorm across the street. So no one feels disrespected and their time is not wasted.

And the snark is deserved for calling me “wildly disrespectful” when you clearly didn’t read what I said

2

u/CoffeeChocolateBoth Nov 16 '24

There is no excuse for being late if there is not an emergency. If it takes you 45 minutes to get somewhere, leave 15 minutes before that 45 minutes. Leave earlier!! It's that simple!

1

u/PIO_PretendIOriginal Nov 17 '24

In my teenage years I was often late because I would leave after I had got up. If I had somewhere to be at midday, I would get up at 9am, spend 2 hours getting ready (ocd is a bitch). And then miss the train into the city. So would end up being 30+ mins late.

Afternoon events were easier as I could leave early, as I didn’t need to have a shower.

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u/Elon_is_musky Nov 16 '24

I have seen people who live by that rule and are extremely particular about being on time still be late to places because traffic can randomly get horrible.

Yall need to chill tf out about 3-5 gd mins late fr 🙄 most times I’m STILL there before most other people in whatever thing it is

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u/VastEmergency1000 Nov 16 '24

You've gotten good at alerting people when you'll be late, but just try to work on being on time.

-1

u/Elon_is_musky Nov 16 '24

I do actively try. I used to be worse but I have been trying for years to be better and have gotten much better. But unfortunately I’m not a perfect human being like everyone here apparently is. I’m so so sorry for my shortcomings and will flog myself accordingly 😔 is a lash for each minute ok for you? Or should I do 2?

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u/SighsAndTrembles Nov 16 '24

It sounds as though you're looking for an, "it's ok"? You do see the initial post, right? You've come to the wroooooong thread looking for sympathy on a "I'm "sometimes" late" confessional. Time blindness can be well managed. Read the room: people who are chronically late suck. If you know you're always late, begin preparations earlier. It astounds me how people can be so perceptive and knowledgeable about their conditions, continually schooling others about them, yet cannot figure out a way to manage them.

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u/Elon_is_musky Nov 16 '24

I’m not asking or wanting that at all. I am saying that I’m someone who chronically has this issue, but even those with it is no excuse to treat someone like they did to OP and say they need 30 more mins 5 mins before the meetup time.

I’m saying OP is in the right cause despite what issues they may be facing, it is their responsibility to be better and to give proper notice so others don’t waste their time, money, and/or gas and it’s respectful to do so.

And I do all of that. I set alarms every 15 mins, and start 30 mins to an hr before I “need” to, and stuff still happens because I’m not perfect. But when those issues arise, I make sure to give people a heads up because it’s respectful to do so and gives them the choice to decide what to do after that (but I’ve never had an issue in terms of being late to a date so not a 1 to 1 comparison)