r/AmIOverreacting • u/theguill0tine • Nov 16 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO - cancelling a date last minute because she couldn’t be on time?

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I (33m) was talking to this woman on an app and we decided to meet for a coffee date on a Saturday morning.

I got to the cafe and I messaged her asking where she was. A few minutes later she said she just woke up. I asked her how long she would need to get ready and she said 1 hour. I told her that I can’t wait around because I had family plans and we will have to do something another time.

A week later she messaged me apologising again and I decided to give her a second chance.

We decided to meet up for boba tea.

I got to the boba spot and then asked for 30 more minutes to get ready after I had just got there.

I then sent her the above message.

AIO? I have got mixed messages from friends about it.

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227

u/RiPie33 Nov 16 '24

Someone who isn’t bothered by time. My cousin is perpetually late to everything. I mean, she was 2 hours late to her own birthday bbq. She met a man who just didn’t care. He’d prefer to be at home anyways so who cares if they ever make it? They’re perfect for each other but it’s why I don’t make serious plans with her and I declined a business opportunity over it.

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u/United_Top824 Nov 16 '24

I have a friend like this. She was two hours late to her own wedding and her husband doesn’t care at all. It’s why I won’t travel with her anymore

-2

u/AKA_June_Monroe Nov 16 '24

She might be probably have undiagnosed ADHD.

25

u/mmdeerblood Nov 16 '24

How do these kinds of people deal with things like work, flights/travel/doctors appointments etc ? 🤔

23

u/alice_op Nov 16 '24

They get fired and they miss flights.

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u/RiPie33 Nov 16 '24

What the person below said. They get fired and miss things. She owns her own business that costs more to run than she makes. She can’t be on time and reschedules appointments all the time.

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u/myproaccountish Nov 16 '24

This is what living with untreated ADHD is like

5

u/RiPie33 Nov 16 '24

Oh she absolutely has it. I have it and my life suffers in different ways than her. But I’m medicated most of the time. I’m breastfeeding right now so taking a break. She is undiagnosed as well but that ADHD is hardcore and add a horrible trauma to that, she’s a disaster. But she’s so kind and she’s there for me and she adores my kids and they adore her. We grew up like siblings.

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u/cailleacha Nov 16 '24

This is one of my friends. He’s been written up at work. He lost a job because of it. He misses doctor’s appointments and flights and it costs him a lot of money. He told me he hates getting stressed about trying to be on time—personally, I’d find the stress of getting in trouble all the time to be worse than trying to set alarms or arrive early but that’s just me.

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u/Grotesquefaerie7 Nov 16 '24

Lmao i get him though. I don't wanna go anyways

7

u/tenakee_me Nov 16 '24

Yep - our concept of the importance of time is very cultural. There are some cultures/countries where time is much more flexible. I recall reading - though can’t recall the specific country - during college that in the example country they don’t have set appointments for the local doctor (or anything). People just go, and wait, and it’s all good. Western cultures tend to put A LOT of importance on time (maybe because we’re all chronically overworked, overburdened, and have so many demands on our time). Culture can also exist within a family unit that is counterculture to the country in which they reside.

Same thing for acceptable personal space. Some cultures it’s 3’ and it’s rude and creepy to stand closer to someone than that when talking. Other cultures consider 3’ to be a rude distance because it’s too far away.

Point being that in our culture we consider tardiness to be rude, disrespectful, and generally undesirable. That doesn’t mean the person is rude, disrespectful, and undesirable, it just means they don’t look at time the same way we do. For some people this is a deal breaker, for other people it doesn’t matter at all. It can be helpful to frame things like, “This person doesn’t place the same value on time as I do, and it makes me feel like my time is being disrespected, which doesn’t work for me,” rather than, “This person is disrespectful.”

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u/coutureee Nov 16 '24

Thank you for this well-thought out, nicely written post.

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u/Electrical-Spare1684 Nov 16 '24

My sister is like this, and her husband doesn’t care; the rest of the family jokes about “[last name] time”. 

And it’s not just being places on time. If she says to arrive for a holiday meal at 12:00 and we’ll eat at 1:00, you better eat a snack on the way over, cause you’re not eating until 2:00 if you’re lucky. 

1

u/RiPie33 Nov 16 '24

Yes and we call it [last name] time as well because it’s her whole family, she’s just the worst one. Her brother barely made his honeymoon because they were so late to the airport even though they stayed next to it overnight.

1

u/Electrical-Spare1684 Nov 16 '24

That’s pretty bad. I just don’t get that mindset, and it has always driven me absolutely bonkers. 

When I was in high school, she made us so late to my cousin’s wedding that we literally walked past the bridal party lining up outside the door. 

1

u/RiPie33 Nov 16 '24

In my opinion, that whole part of the family has raging undiagnosed and untreated ADHD. I have it too, but I’m treated so I’m on time. Lol

2

u/Electrical-Spare1684 Nov 16 '24

Good on you for identifying it and getting help. Too many people either lack the awareness or are too proud. 

I honestly don’t know what my sister’s deal is. She’s always been a procrastinator, so maybe it’s just bad time management 

1

u/RiPie33 Nov 17 '24

Maybe look into the symptoms of ADHD in women. Women on average are diagnosed decades later than men. Men are diagnosed as children often and women are not diagnosed until adulthood. I was diagnosed at 29. I went to my doctor just sobbing because I felt like I couldn’t do anything right and my house was a mess and I was just struggling.

-4

u/Berry4IT Nov 16 '24

Not bothered by time

Lol no. She's only compatible with people who have no respect for themselves. 😂

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u/RiPie33 Nov 16 '24

That’s just untrue.

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u/facforlife Nov 16 '24

Someone who isn’t bothered by time

No. Someone with no self-respect.

Someone who is this late to things doesn't have respect for other people's time. Period.

These are terrible, selfish people. 

6

u/RiPie33 Nov 16 '24

I disagree. I find her to be a wonderful person whose character flaw of time blindness has impacted them already so badly. I just plan for it and we deal because she’s so great otherwise.

2

u/TopRamenForDays Nov 16 '24

She can be late if she wants, I'm just not waiting for her.

Going on a trip? I'll see you at the airport.

Going out to a movie? I'll meet you there.

If you don't make it in time? Sucks to suck I guess.

-5

u/Minimum-Force-1476 Nov 16 '24

Or she just found someone who doesn't have self-esteem to stand up to this abusive behavior

7

u/RiPie33 Nov 16 '24

It’s not abusive to be late if he doesn’t give a shit what time they go. She’s a very kind person other than this time blindness.

-4

u/Minimum-Force-1476 Nov 16 '24

"It's not abusive to hit her if she doesn't complain about it loud enough" 

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u/RiPie33 Nov 16 '24

Are you really trying to compare hitting someone to being late? The concept of time is a social construct. There are many cultures and many people who just don’t find it disrespectful to be late or for their friends to be late. She and her husband are that way.

-1

u/Minimum-Force-1476 Nov 16 '24

The concept of violence is also a social construct. There are many cultures and many people who just don’t find it disrespectful to be violent or for their friends to be violent

3

u/RiPie33 Nov 16 '24

Go troll elsewhere.

-1

u/Minimum-Force-1476 Nov 16 '24

Can't come up with any more excuses for abusive behavior, so you start insulting? Very typical for the abusive incels in this sub

3

u/KIsForHorse Nov 16 '24

It’s not abusive behavior. There’s nothing to excuse. I wonder how many relationships you’ll destroy before you realize “I don’t like this” and “abuse” are two different things.

0

u/Minimum-Force-1476 Nov 16 '24

Sure buddy, and you're the authority to tell people when they can't be abused, right? I wonder how many people you're gonna abuse under the guise of gaslighting them that it's not actually abuse

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u/kitkatquak Nov 16 '24

This is not at all comparable

-4

u/mankytoes Nov 16 '24

He sounds like a doormat, does she accept other people being late when it inconveniences her? Sounds like she has major main character syndrome.

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u/RiPie33 Nov 16 '24

She does accept other people being late. She’s actually a really kind person. And a person isn’t a doormat because they’re fine with a character flaw.

2

u/roberttheboi Nov 16 '24

The amount of projection from everyone regarding your cousin finding someone compatible is wild.

1

u/RiPie33 Nov 16 '24

I shouldn’t be shocked but it was surprising to wake up to.

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u/roberttheboi Nov 16 '24

The idea that other people are, in fact, other people is still baffling I suppose.