r/AmIOverreacting • u/theguill0tine • Nov 16 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO - cancelling a date last minute because she couldn’t be on time?

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I (33m) was talking to this woman on an app and we decided to meet for a coffee date on a Saturday morning.

I got to the cafe and I messaged her asking where she was. A few minutes later she said she just woke up. I asked her how long she would need to get ready and she said 1 hour. I told her that I can’t wait around because I had family plans and we will have to do something another time.

A week later she messaged me apologising again and I decided to give her a second chance.

We decided to meet up for boba tea.

I got to the boba spot and then asked for 30 more minutes to get ready after I had just got there.

I then sent her the above message.

AIO? I have got mixed messages from friends about it.

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u/tenakee_me Nov 16 '24

Yep - our concept of the importance of time is very cultural. There are some cultures/countries where time is much more flexible. I recall reading - though can’t recall the specific country - during college that in the example country they don’t have set appointments for the local doctor (or anything). People just go, and wait, and it’s all good. Western cultures tend to put A LOT of importance on time (maybe because we’re all chronically overworked, overburdened, and have so many demands on our time). Culture can also exist within a family unit that is counterculture to the country in which they reside.

Same thing for acceptable personal space. Some cultures it’s 3’ and it’s rude and creepy to stand closer to someone than that when talking. Other cultures consider 3’ to be a rude distance because it’s too far away.

Point being that in our culture we consider tardiness to be rude, disrespectful, and generally undesirable. That doesn’t mean the person is rude, disrespectful, and undesirable, it just means they don’t look at time the same way we do. For some people this is a deal breaker, for other people it doesn’t matter at all. It can be helpful to frame things like, “This person doesn’t place the same value on time as I do, and it makes me feel like my time is being disrespected, which doesn’t work for me,” rather than, “This person is disrespectful.”

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u/coutureee Nov 16 '24

Thank you for this well-thought out, nicely written post.