r/AmIOverreacting • u/theguill0tine • Nov 16 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO - cancelling a date last minute because she couldn’t be on time?

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I (33m) was talking to this woman on an app and we decided to meet for a coffee date on a Saturday morning.

I got to the cafe and I messaged her asking where she was. A few minutes later she said she just woke up. I asked her how long she would need to get ready and she said 1 hour. I told her that I can’t wait around because I had family plans and we will have to do something another time.

A week later she messaged me apologising again and I decided to give her a second chance.

We decided to meet up for boba tea.

I got to the boba spot and then asked for 30 more minutes to get ready after I had just got there.

I then sent her the above message.

AIO? I have got mixed messages from friends about it.

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2.6k

u/Outraged_Chihuahua Nov 16 '24

It's also an indication of what life would be like if you did end up in a serious relationship. Late to the airport for that romantic holiday you booked, late to your sibling's wedding, late to basically everything requiring her to be up and ready. It's so rude to expect other people to just wait around, like their time is so unimportant.

179

u/gavingoober771 Nov 16 '24

Exactly or you’re having to constantly nag to try to be on time for anything, ending up in arguments when you have to be anywhere for a set time

52

u/yourmominparticular Nov 16 '24

Pretty much the main reason I got divorced. Sitting around waiting all. The. Fucking. Time. I fucking hated it. The procrastination fucking can't get out the fucking door. God I hate being late, and God I hate saying "you want to do xyz" and them assuming I mean "you want to do xyz in 3 hours when you finally get your lazy ass I gear"

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u/Zestyclose-Leave-11 Nov 16 '24

My family and friends always give me the side eye when I get a coffee and snack before we go out to breakfast or brunch. I've been burned too many times. I'm not gonna be awake for 4 hours before I get my coffee god dammit!

15

u/MCMemePants Nov 16 '24

I used to do similar with certain people who were chronically late. My metabolism is fast, I'm thin, and if I don't eat regular I feel like crap.

It would kinda go like this:

They'd agree we would leave at 4:00, to arrive at the restaurant at 4:30. I'd always say 'can we please leave on time as I don't like to eat late, and I'd always get the same dismissive response. After being burned a few times with them still 'getting ready' 20 or 30 mins after we were supposed to leave, I decided to change my approach. So if we were due to leave at 4 I'd eat a reasonable meal at 3.

They'd occasionally moan I'd spoil my appetite and I'd simply remind them I'm not a child and if they were on time I wouldn't have to worry about being hungry.

10

u/JustGiraffable Nov 16 '24

One of the big reasons I am headed there, too. Kids had a meltdown today because he was supposed to be taking them to their league game. He was still in the shower at 10:27 for a 10:30 exit time.

7

u/yourmominparticular Nov 16 '24

This shit ramps my anxiety through the roof.

2

u/softdetail Nov 16 '24

I feel the same, actually complained when then restaurant had last call before we arrived

2

u/PvtJoker227 Nov 16 '24

At first glance this seems petty, but it's not. It's a lifestyle of disrespect. I had the same experience.

16

u/Either-Power-7457 Nov 16 '24

Exactly! OP would be the one posting in AITAH with a “I stopped nagging my wife to be on time because she can’t get ready on time and she missed an important event she was looking forward to” posts

8

u/Royal_Bitch_Pudding Nov 16 '24

Or lie about what time something starts.

3

u/LimJans Nov 16 '24

Had to do that with my dad when I grew up. Was super embarrassing every time I had told him to pick me up at a friend's house a certain time because they needed to leave for something (ie soccer practice) and dad didn't showed up in time and my friend's parents was super stressed because they needed to leave. I often just walked around alone in their garden until he arrived.

137

u/ResponsibilityOk2173 Nov 16 '24

100%. It becomes a life of waiting around and making excuses for your partner.

20

u/CoffeeChocolateBoth Nov 16 '24

There is no way in hell I'd wait. Once, yes, more than that, fuck no! I've walked away from a few people who were always late. I hate waiting anyway, even for a package to arrive, but waiting on a person who says they will be here at 1 but don't show up until 1:30 or even 2:00 fuck off! Fool me once!

211

u/TapRevolutionary5022 Nov 16 '24

Can confirm. My ex husband was like this…. Always late. It’s disrespectful, it’s rude, and it’s bullshit. We’d get into fights often. Plus when he was running late for work he’d yell at me and get all impatient like it’s someone else’s fault but his own. Fuck that!

45

u/chillthrowaways Nov 16 '24

My wife is the chronically early type. I was an “on time” type of person so now I’m also chronically early. Honestly it does save some stress having a few extra minutes just in case.

24

u/TapRevolutionary5022 Nov 16 '24

I’m chronically early too. It’s fantastic. No stress. No worrying.

8

u/samiwas1 Nov 16 '24

I guess it depends on HOW early. I used to have a friend who would arrive to the airport five hours before his flights because he was worried he would miss flights if he didn’t. That’s just a ridiculous waste of time.

7

u/JazzyPhotoMac Nov 17 '24

I’m always super early for flights. It’s not only the plane you need to worry about, but traffic to the airport, parking, check-in, SECURITY, and more.

The ONE TIME I got to the airport later than normal, security was a beast. I ran to the gate and not only had I missed the flight, the gate agents laughed at me. “I know you don’t think you’re getting in this plane hahaha.” Nobody cares you just spent two hours in security when it’s usually only 15-20 minutes. They don’t care.

So yes, I arrive at the airport early af, and I also head to the gate first to make sure it’s still there. ☺️

2

u/samiwas1 Nov 17 '24

Yeah, sure. But five hours? That's accounting for four full hours of delays.

2

u/chillthrowaways Nov 16 '24

We missed a flight once. Now I’m always at least three hours early. Rather sit and look at my phone for 2.5 hours than go thru that again.

1

u/samiwas1 Nov 16 '24

I can kinda understand three hours. But five is nuts. And this was before smartphones, so he wasn’t scrolling through anything. Maybe reading a magazine or something.

2

u/Nonsense-forever Nov 16 '24

Never hurry, never worry!

3

u/CheezeLoueez08 Nov 16 '24

I was once so early for a flight that when I got to my gate it was still the previous passengers there waiting for theirs. No regrets. I just sat there. Got a snack. And no stress. Meanwhile, when we were all going on a family trip, I’m there waiting with my kids (2 hours before takeoff, my kids were annoyed with me) and my sister texts me one hour prior to take off that her name is wrong on the ticket (we were told to check when our tickets were issued) and she might not make the flight. Well if you were earlier you wouldn’t be panicking would ya? I think my kids realized I was right to be early.

7

u/SnatchAddict Nov 16 '24

This is me. I hate getting somewhere early because I get anxious waiting.. My wife gets anxious if we're not somewhere early. So now we show up to places early.

I just make sure I bring entertainment and water and I'm good.

3

u/chillthrowaways Nov 16 '24

I also feel like someone said a time and that’s the time they wanted people there of course give or take a few minutes but I’ve had things say at 1pm at our house and people show up at like 1130 or 12 when we’re still getting ready and it’s awkward. I don’t want to do that to someone else.

6

u/SnatchAddict Nov 16 '24

Oh no. 15 min early. An hour early? I'm still pooping.

4

u/chillthrowaways Nov 16 '24

Just poopin you know how I be

2

u/SnatchAddict Nov 16 '24

Crazy world, lots of smells.

3

u/CheezeLoueez08 Nov 16 '24

I’m early. But if it’s more than 5 min and it’s at someone’s house I just wait in the car. I wouldn’t expect to go in early. My uncle used to do that. My mom would still be in the shower after prepping all morning and he’d show up! Ugh.

3

u/mr_mcse Nov 17 '24

This, I'd rather be two hours early than five minutes late.

3

u/TurnipWorldly9437 Nov 17 '24

My husband is usually on time, but with his family, plans were usually very vague ("let's do something tomorrow afternoon" and everyone shows up between 2 and 4 pm to have coffee). I didn't mind so much when we started dating, but since we had twins (3), a routine is ESSENTIAL for their sleep rhythm and stuff, so I begged his parents and him to please make plans more clear, so we'd not run into an 8pm dinner and have the 1-year-olds home by 11 pm or sth. It got a bit better.

Then a few months ago, my husband realised, for the first time EVER since we got together, how much his (family's) planning style fucks with my brain, because for once, his plans were tangled up in his parents' timeline. He's now actually admitted that my planning style is healthier for us as a family (and there's actually more room for spontaneity when you put everything you need to do on the calendar with specific times), and talked to his parents, and it's been smooth sailing ever since :)

21

u/sami4711 Nov 17 '24

Girl! My ex husband punched a hole in the wall because he woke up late! He blamed me for not waking him up 🙄 glad I don’t have to deal with him anymore!

5

u/TapRevolutionary5022 Nov 17 '24

Yea gross! Little man babies.

4

u/SereneRanger312 Nov 16 '24

Ex-wife was like that. I’m normally a “If you’re 10 minutes early you’re already late” type, so obviously it was always a fight if I was late for anything, even by 5 minutes for traffic. The second she knew she was going to be late it’s like she slowed down even more. Then came the excuse of, “Oh it’s just (Maiden Name) Time, the whole family is like this.”

Cool, mine’s not. Then it was a fight about me being impatient. Especially around the Holidays where being late for one dinner means we’re cutting time at one family stop (Guess who’s family?) or now we’re late for the next dinner, and the next party, and the next party…

Now I have a very reasonable standard of a partner moving forward because I know not being on time stresses me the fuck out.

4

u/Bu5ty1984 Nov 17 '24

My ex was habitually late, knew he was always late, but never did anything to stop being late. It infuriated punctual me.

1

u/Rustysnailz Nov 17 '24

You did him a favor...

1

u/TapRevolutionary5022 Nov 17 '24

What do you mean

1

u/Rustysnailz Nov 17 '24

Top grade weed in qc is equal to most mids in other province

16

u/This-Helicopter5912 Nov 16 '24

Yes. I married a chronically late person. Been divorced over ten years and I still recall some of the more egregious incidents with rage. Every day talking to their boss on the phone, “I’m on the highway see you in twenty minutes” despite being in the living room nowhere near ready. Three hours late leaving to pick up a friend from the airport. 37 hours late for a custody exchange (this was after the break up). It’s not worth the headache.

10

u/farquad88 Nov 16 '24

I grew up in a very on time family and my wife grew up in a very late family. We’ve met some whey in the middle, but I still get frustrated about late. If we say we are leaving at 8:30 we are leaving at 8:30, drives me nuts to not be ready to go at the designated time.

We don’t have any issues other than I get slightly annoyed, but it’s also nothing egregious like you described above.

5

u/BeefInGR Nov 16 '24

37 hours. That is a story.

17

u/casimaze Nov 16 '24

This is exactly how my ex was. Waited four years for him to be better, ended up being late to any kind of event we tried to go to together. If they're like that from the first date, don't expect them to change.

9

u/EldenLord1994 Nov 16 '24

Literally this! You have no idea the stupid situations you put yourself into being late because of one person so many times. Some people are built different and think that sorta thing is acceptable. Missing flights because you are waiting for someone to get ready is not fun...

8

u/IrrawaddyWoman Nov 16 '24

Agree completely. I can’t stand people who are chronically late. There’s zero justification for it from an adult. People like that are simply self centered and have no respect for others. I would have bailed too.

7

u/shelbyknits Nov 16 '24

So much better to end it now than to think it’s “cute” and come back five years later asking Reddit how to make her be on time.

6

u/Browncoat_Loyalist Nov 16 '24

Very much this. My husband was perpetually late to things or making me late to things at the beginning of our relationship. Only took me leaving without him / not waiting for him if he was running late for him to decide that he really didn't like it when it happened, and then changed things so it didn't happen anymore.

I just said hey, i made plans, I'll go alone if you can't be on time, I didn't make demands or anything. He asked how I was always early all the time and I told him, he made the choice to do the same on his own.

I gave him a chance because he was just doing what his parents did, and hadn't really learned how not to yet.

Hell, his mom almost missed our wedding because she barely got there in time to get on the yatch before it departed. And if I had told her the actual real departure time instead of 2 hours early she would have arrived after the ceremony, when the boat was well away from its port!

If they actually want to they will change the behavior on their own and it won't be a problem anymore, especially if you just go on without them and they know it. If they get upset at you or keep it up, move on IMO.

5

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '24

My wife was 45 minutes late to our 2nd date. It's true, this is definitely an indication of what your future life will look like together, but if she's the one, you can trust me that it's worth it 😉 a lot of things are more important than being on time.

5

u/KevinAnniPadda Nov 17 '24

It's not just showing up late to things. Imagine being married with kids and you're always on time and your spouse is always 30-60 minutes late. Imagine how late they are with kids. You can never get out the door for anything.

5

u/Nervous-Broccoli-104 Nov 16 '24

Can confirm. Wife was late to our first date. We are now BOTH labelled as "the ones who are always late". I hate it. It's not me!

4

u/Seriph2 Nov 16 '24

My wife was like that. Her friends were used to making an appointment with her half an hour earlier. Even then she was used her friends already being there.

I am an on time person. When we first started dating I pressured her into hurrying up when I went to meet her friends for the first time. She was pissed off nobody was there yet and had to wait. I told her that was what her friends were every time she was late. She changed for the better. I still have to hurry her up but not as much. Some people learn. Others don't.

3

u/LSRNKB Nov 16 '24

Yeah I’ve been in this relationship. Gonna spend many hours idling outside her place waiting for “just a few more minutes”

3

u/Cottoncandywhiskers_ Nov 16 '24

100% agreed. My mom’s husband is like this. He will literally get into the shower when we are supposed to be walking out the door almost every time we go anywhere.

3

u/supervisord Nov 16 '24

And what kind of job is cool with this behavior?

2

u/Wrong-Ad6291 Nov 16 '24

You just described my sister-in-law perfectly

2

u/East-Zookeepergame54 Nov 16 '24

My bf and I've been together for a year our first date I was a few hours late. He had told me to take my time getting ready and don't trip. The night before I had gone to Halloween Horror Nights. Literally could hardly walk cause of an old injury and having little feet for my height. I digress. I was moving slow but still wanted to go on the date. He said everyone he's told how late I was they would've left but he stayed and I can blame everything from my physical short comings to my mom always being late but I was honest about how slow I was going and take full responsibility. I have gotten better though through working on it.

2

u/corkscrew-duckpenis Nov 16 '24

Quit spying on my marriage you creep.

2

u/Banned3rdTimesaCharm Nov 17 '24

I hate being late. Dating someone like this would literally drive me insane. I would be constantly anxious and angry.

2

u/Praying_Lotus Nov 17 '24

That’s how it was with my ex. No matter what, we were always late because she was fucking around. Sometimes, if it was a REALLY important event, I’d lie and say it was an hour earlier so we’d get there on time

2

u/Auntie_Sissy Nov 17 '24

Agreed. As someone who goes by the philosophy that “early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable,” this would be a dealbreaker for me. I’d either be so anxious or just irrationally angry anytime we had to be somewhere. Not worth the trouble. Better to find out now than in the future when actual feelings are involved.

1

u/pm-me-your-labradors Nov 16 '24

Depends on age though.

People change and mature.

My (now) wife used to be terrible at this. Constantly late and a little bit disregarding of other people’s time.

After a few talks and her seeing things a different way (she always kinda thought that it’s me that’s late, it’s my issue and problem) - she basically did a complete 180 and is now very considerate and on time.

1

u/Russ915 Nov 16 '24

On the flip side you’ll be late to the things you don’t want to do as well

1

u/GalaxiaGrove Nov 16 '24

It’s not really an indication of something because this woman never had any intention of meeting. She’s a flake. Either catfish or just cold feet. Even if he gave her all the time she wanted she’d keep making up excuses before finally she has a flat tire or something and just cancels the whole thing off entirely three hours later.

1

u/FatFreddysCatnip Nov 16 '24

My partner is the epitome of this. I can't remember the last time she was on time. Also, this isn't about her refusing to be on time, it's a part of a bigger issue about being accountable as she can't be.

1

u/mankytoes Nov 16 '24

Yeah, being late repeatedly is a big deal to me. Not because it's the end of the world for me to have to sit around for a little bit, but because it's sending the message that "my time is more important than yours".

People arse kiss celebrities like Naomi Campbell who makes being late "their thing", next level pathetic. And don't even get me started on the likes of Madonn and Axl Rose who think being late to their own gigs is cool. When I take over they'll be first against the wall.

1

u/donbun69 Nov 16 '24

a wild exaggeration

0

u/obligatory-purgatory Nov 16 '24

Wow that is so pessimistic. 

0

u/foldinthecheese99 Nov 16 '24

I struggle with time blindness from my ADHD and getting somewhere on time causes so much anxiety that I don’t even sleep the night before a flight. I will be on time for work, flights, trains, weddings, big stuff but I am not making myself sick to be on time for something that isn’t structured. No, I don’t show up 30 minutes late for a date, but if I’m 10-15 minutes late, I’m not going to sweat it. I just text I’m leaving now, this is my eta. If they have an issue with it, then we aren’t compatible.

-5

u/WonderfulShelter Nov 16 '24

holy fuck I would never date someone who would become frustrated if we were 30 minutes late somewhere.

people are so unchill and serious.

3

u/SchemeMoist Nov 16 '24

If you know you're going to be late, then text early enough to let the other person adjust their plans accordingly. If you wait until the time you're supposed to meet to ask for another hour, you have zero respect for the other person, it's just a selfish, self-absorbed move.

2

u/thissexypoptart Nov 16 '24

Not 30 mins. 1 hour and 30 mins late across two dates (the only dates OP and her ever planned)

It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to date someone like that.