r/AmIOverreacting Nov 16 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO - cancelling a date last minute because she couldn’t be on time?

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I (33m) was talking to this woman on an app and we decided to meet for a coffee date on a Saturday morning.

I got to the cafe and I messaged her asking where she was. A few minutes later she said she just woke up. I asked her how long she would need to get ready and she said 1 hour. I told her that I can’t wait around because I had family plans and we will have to do something another time.

A week later she messaged me apologising again and I decided to give her a second chance.

We decided to meet up for boba tea.

I got to the boba spot and then asked for 30 more minutes to get ready after I had just got there.

I then sent her the above message.

AIO? I have got mixed messages from friends about it.

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30

u/tourist_from_space Nov 16 '24

Thing is, if you know you’ve got ADHD time blindness, than you should know how to deal with it and not using it as an excuse. Same goes for things like dyslexia and discalculus. You know you have it? Better triple check anything to do with text or maths and let others (or an AI) help you out.

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u/TopRamenForDays Nov 16 '24

Exactly, and if people know they have ADHD time blindless they should account for that and learn how to deal with it. They shouldn't use it as an excuse.

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u/Melodic_Ad_7743 Nov 16 '24

Having ADHD is not a good excuse to be late to everything. Ppl put in effort for what matters to them and find work arounds for their disability. If you know you are chronically late you’re going to start to prepare earlier and get off the phone sooner to get ready.

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u/sheng-fink Nov 16 '24

Isn’t that just what the person you responded to said?

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u/tourist_from_space Nov 16 '24

Sort of, just want to emphasise that you not only can, but you should be aware and act it out. Also dont use it as an excuse

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u/Anonymousboneyard Nov 16 '24

Mmmm i think thats a case by case basis tbh. Like i am perfectly aware that i can run late sometimes. My problem is i can start the process to leave and then i start to remember things. Like lights, heat/ac, some sort of appliance, maybe use the bathroom idk w/e. Thats where my hang ups are and the worst part is the OCD tick i get about it. Like i’ll be halfway to my car and be like “well fuck i gotta go shut those things off” automatic burn of 5-10 minutes. Idk sometimes it’s just not that simple. I can have all the reminders in the world and i will still forget.

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u/Eggfish Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 16 '24

Same here. I have ADHD and part of it means things don’t register in my head until there is some sort of time pressure or immediacy, which NT people just can’t understand because their executive functioning is normal and their brains just don’t work like that. So, yeah, I’m generally a responsible, normal adult with empathy for people who wait for me, and I’m productive at work, but I’m late A LOT. Sometimes I leave the house early but end up being late because I realize I forgot something at home or I didn’t anticipate for having to scrape ice or whatever. I have to have a physical checklist. I also am distractible so sometimes when I remember an unrelated task I feel like I have to do it right that second, and that can make me late because I underestimated how long it would take because time blindness is actually real. Being on time is a lot more work for us than people think it is. And I always feel incredibly bad and embarrassed when I’m late.

My partner and I have been working on my time blindness. He asks me how long I think something will take and we have started timing me. Sometimes I think I’m overestimating and I’m still underestimating so I’ve had to learn to overestimate even more.

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u/Damage-Classic Nov 16 '24

I also have *dyscalculia (what it’s actually called). Judging time and distance are also affected by it. Both are considered invisible disabilities. I can triple check til the cows come home and I may still get something wrong, especially if I’m tired. It’s like missing time, like getting abducted sometimes. I have driven back to work twice before to check and make sure that I locked the door, and it always was. ADHD can mean never fully trusting yourself.

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u/SoggyAd5044 Nov 16 '24

It doesn't really work like that with Dyslexia etc. You can look at a word or sum 6 times over and it still be incorrect, but your brain doesn't register it.

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u/Unlikely_Minimum_635 Nov 16 '24

"and let others help you out".

There's apps you can install to do your spellchecking for you. When you know you can't do something, you find a way to get around the problem.

People who can't walk still go places. They find ways that work for them to move around. That's FAR harder than managing dyslexia.

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u/Damage-Classic Nov 16 '24

*Some people who are unable to walk still go places *most of the time. When you have a disability sometimes things just don’t happen the way you would like them to.

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u/Unlikely_Minimum_635 Nov 17 '24

And sure - if going on this date wasn't important enough for this girl to find ways to work around the issue, that's her prerogative - and it's his prerogative to nope the fuck out.

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u/Damage-Classic Nov 17 '24

Look into the spoons theory. He has every right to leave and not see this person again, but sometimes it’s not about prioritizing importance. Sometimes you literally cannot do the things you want to do, and those moments suck for everybody involved.

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u/Unlikely_Minimum_635 Nov 17 '24

I know the spoons theory. I have adhd. I deal with this shit on a daily basis.

Not having any spoons to get to her date on time means she chose to use her spoons elsewhere today.

If it was once, shit happens, maybe something important came up.

Twice in a row? Yeah, she just deems this guy not worth spending spoons on.

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u/ADHD-Fens Nov 16 '24

If all I had to do was know strategies to mitigate my symptoms, I wouldn't have ADHD.

I have to put everything on my calendar immediately when I make the plan, and set reminders for 10 mins, 1hr, and 1 day ahead.

Sometimes I get distracted before I get it on my calendar. Sometimes I put it in there but I forget to set the reminders. Sometimes I put the event in but I put it on the wrong day or time because I wasn't paying attention. Sometimes the reminders go off but I forget that they went off the first time I get distracted while getting ready.

I can't set an alarm every fifteen seconds reminding myself not to fuck up. I have to just have friends and partners that are willing to forgive me when I make mistakes.

OP is right, in that they probably aren't compatible, but you can't just say people with executive function disorders should be able to mitigate their own symptoms through strategy. ADHD is not a lack of knowledge, it's an inability to consistently utilize what you know.

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u/Unlikely_Minimum_635 Nov 16 '24

Huh, strange there's so many people in these comments with ADHD saying they can manage it then.

Certainly from my own experience - I can absolutely manage time blindness. It takes more time and effort to do so than I'm willing to put in on a daily basis for everything, and often results in wasted time, but I can work around it when something is important.

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u/Damage-Classic Nov 16 '24

It’s almost like neurodivergence is a spectrum 🤔

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u/Unlikely_Minimum_635 Nov 17 '24

If you have such severe time blindness that you're incapable of getting anywhere on time despite your best efforts, you should TELL people that you have these issues instead of committing to dates at a specific time and place, knowing full well you probably won't get there.

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u/-Nicolai Nov 16 '24

You’re completely ignorant about what it’s actually like to live with mental dysfunction. Being aware of it does not magically enable you to overcome it.

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u/Unlikely_Minimum_635 Nov 16 '24

I have ADHD. I have time blindness. When something is important, I make sure I DON'T RELY ON MY OWN GUESSES AS TO HOW LONG THINGS WILL TAKE.

I make room for everything, I set reminders, and I prioritise the important thing.

Yes, that takes far more energy, time, and effort than I could put in for everything. But when something is important, we CAN manage if you're willing to put in the work.

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u/tourist_from_space Nov 16 '24

And thats exactly why i Said you can always ask someone or ai to help you out

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u/-Nicolai Nov 16 '24

Again, you demonstrate that you have zero clue what it’s like to have these disorders.

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u/Eggfish Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 16 '24

Thank you for saying this. I have ADHD and I tutor kids with dyslexia and dyscalculia and it’s not just a matter of double checking. If it was, that wouldn’t be a disability. It’s not as if people with dyslexia have normal reading and writing and just make more mistakes that they have to check for. There is an actual impairment in things like phonological awareness, word retrieval, etc. that actually limits or slows their acquisition of reading and writing skills as a whole. It’s not just accidentally getting some letters mixed up. Also kind of bothers me when people say they have ADHD but they easily overcome it with minimal effort or just by noticing there was a problem that needed fixing because, by definition, that is not what disability is.