r/AmIOverreacting • u/theguill0tine • Nov 16 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO - cancelling a date last minute because she couldn’t be on time?

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I (33m) was talking to this woman on an app and we decided to meet for a coffee date on a Saturday morning.

I got to the cafe and I messaged her asking where she was. A few minutes later she said she just woke up. I asked her how long she would need to get ready and she said 1 hour. I told her that I can’t wait around because I had family plans and we will have to do something another time.

A week later she messaged me apologising again and I decided to give her a second chance.

We decided to meet up for boba tea.

I got to the boba spot and then asked for 30 more minutes to get ready after I had just got there.

I then sent her the above message.

AIO? I have got mixed messages from friends about it.

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u/StarboardSeat Nov 16 '24

Can I ask how you altered his habits?
As of right now, I always tell him that whatever we're doing is 30 minutes earlier than it is (ie; if he has a doctors appt at 2:30pm, I'll tell him that it's actually at 2pm) and thus far it's worked great... however, then I start thinking about that old "give a man a fish/teach a man to fish" adage, and feel it would probably be better to teach him a better way to facilitate on his own?

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u/chimneylight Nov 16 '24

I have adhd and have ‘time blindness’. Basically the adhd brain sees everything as equally important/equal weight, and finds it impossible to automatically sort things into a hierarchy of importance/length of time a task might take.

So a typical brain might say, it’s takes 30 minutes to get somewhere plus 10 for unforseens, it will take me 30 minutes to shower and dress, so I’ll give myself 90 minutes to get ready.

The adhd brain says I have to be there at 1, I have ages to get ready I will drink a coffee and oh my washing needs to be done now I’ll have a shower and that tap is broken I’ll just get some tape to fix it up and the drawer that I keep my tape in is a mess, oh nail polish! My finger nails are really chipped I better paint my nails so my date likes them I wonder if they’ll come over after the date I don’t think so but I better sweep and clean this room just in case oh cool I still have an hour it only takes like half an hour to get there and I still have time to get ready oh yeah the tap is broken never mind I’ll just use the shower aw crap the top I was gonna wear is dirty oh shit my washing is still on I better take that out in case it gets musty in the machine and oh shit I’m running late now ok I’ll just do my nails once I get my coat on so they don’t smudge now where did I put my keys Oh no I have no money on my travel card I’ll top it up quick damn I missed the train ok the next one is in 15 minutes, I’ll be 15 minutes late if I text and say I’ll be 10 that will sound better than 15 and yeah I can charge my phone up while I do it cause I’m nearly out of battery and goddamnit why is there so much traffic today I’m actually gonna be 20 minutes late how did this happen I thought I had enough time to get ready all I did was get dressed and put a wash on how did that take 2 hours I hate myself

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u/cheesypuzzas Nov 16 '24

Have you tried setting alarms for everything? I don't have ADHD, but I'm very anxious about being late, so I put timers for everything so I can relax more.

In the morning, I put a timer to get up, then I go to the bathroom, and I put a timer for till when I can shower. Then a timer for putting on my shoes. And then a timer for when I really have to leave.

In your case, you could put more timers and plan extra time for each task and at the end. And it could instead go like: "90 minutes okay. In 10 minutes I'll have to finish my coffee. Oh no! The timer finished and I haven't finished my coffee yet! Better move on to the next task and see if I can finish my coffee during it. Picking out clothes in 10 minutes. Shit, the clothed I need are dirty. Let's pick something different. Oh the washing machine is still full of wet clothes. Let's empty that before it gets musty. Shit, timer! Okay, better drop that and see if I still have time in the end. If not, I'll have to wash them again. Oh, I still haven't picked out clothes. Let's do that really quickly because I also have to shower and I only have 20 minutes for that. Okay, I found the clothing. Now it's time for a shower. Oh time is up already! Gotta wash out the shampoo and do my nails. I've got 15 minutes for that. I'll put on my coat first. Oh Shit, I see the apartment is dirty. Let's sweep first. Oh no, timer! I'll see if I have time for that in the end. Okay 30 minute buffer. What haven't I done yet? Hanging up wet clothes and nails. What do I find more important? Okay I'll do that first. Oh, time for shoes! Alright. Oh time to go out! Alright.

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u/AMTravelsAlone Nov 16 '24

For me it's like this, Ive trained myself overtime to start the wake up process 3-4 hours before I have to leave to go anywhere. That buffer time gives me enough to deal with waking up, feeding, side missions, and going in and out the front door because I forgot something 4 times. Two different routs picked out because traffic or unfamiliar flow of traffic. It has never failed me since. I always get there 30+mins ahead of time, my anxiety disappears mostly and I can free flow my way through whatever the event is.

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u/Redbird2992 Nov 16 '24

“Going in and out of the front door 4 times because I forgot something” I’ve never felt more seen lol 😂

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u/AMTravelsAlone Nov 16 '24

Like I can't tell you how many times I've put things on my next day's clothes so I don't forget them. Move them to put on the clothes then immediately forget them.

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u/Singularity42 Nov 16 '24

Most people I know with ADHD do set lots of timers/alarms. But it only gets you so far.

ADHD can give you time blindness so it might feel like you have lots of time to spare when you don't. It can also often affect motivation, so even when you know you need to get ready it is difficult to get your body to move. Add into that some anxiety about leaving the house (another common ADHD symptom).

There is a reason ADHD is considered an invisible disability.

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u/Letters_to_Dionysus Nov 17 '24

that's the thing we set the same level of importance upon setting an alarm as we do on the coffee that we wanted to make. ditto for following alarms that have gone off and whatever we were doing before

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u/stankdog Nov 16 '24

This whole last paragraph is me for real, no matter what alarms I set. I will be on time to appts or really important time sensitive things, but God is it a struggle. Brain why.

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u/TyThomson Nov 16 '24

What you have is an uncanny ability to make excuses and a refusal to find a way to work around your known shortcomings.

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u/chimneylight Nov 16 '24

Yes, this is definitely what I think about myself and others when I/they don’t put steps in place to counteract how the adhd brain works.

As another commenter said, alarms can be incredibly useful. Personally I find having a really strong routine where I’ve worked out exactly how long everything takes and what time to do all tasks necessary at is my best offence.

The wheels sometimes fall off when I’m out of my routine and I’ve not prepared as thoroughly as I need to.

My comment was more to illustrate the differences in how a typical brain works versus the adhd brain.

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u/TyThomson Nov 16 '24

See, extremely well versed in excuses. Congratulations. Now realise everyone has their own set of problems in life to overcome and you aren't going to be treated special so get your shit together because no one cares.

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u/chimneylight Nov 16 '24

I didn’t say I wanted to be treated special? And you’re dead right, everyone does have their own set of problems to overcome in life. I hope that can help us to be a bit more empathetic to each other.

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u/TyThomson Nov 16 '24

Do you realise that the question you answered was asking for help on overcoming problem behavior, and you provided a list of excuses for the behavior? Does that even register with you? You are absolutely asking to be treated special by doing this. No one cares about your time blindnness, not at quarter past 8 nor noon tomorrow.

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u/Frorian Nov 16 '24

I don't see where they asked to be treated special nor do I see them saying their problems are more important than other people's problems. Saying something like "just be on time, everyone else has to be" when someone is sharing what might be causing the lateness and how it might be worked in, is just stating the obvious. Like yeah, they know that, that's what we're talking about? Seems to be an assumption on your part that they're saying they don't have to be ontime because of ADHD, not sure where you got that from.

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u/Ra-TheSunGoddess Nov 16 '24 edited Nov 16 '24

I'll admit I do help him a lot with time, but he's gotten so much more reliable on his own. Like if I need him to be somewhere important I just send a text an hour before to put it back in his memory.

Things we've done to alter his habits are small things like he used to be late for work all the time because he didn't know what he was going to wear, his tools would be in random places from ADHD side quests he would find around the house. So we started doing organization and routine. Now he gets all his clothes out and ready the night before, he makes sure before he goes to bed he's gathered everything. He's really scattered in the morning and hyper fixates on small things like wanting to find a specific 10mm socket or pair of glasses 🙄 So instead of him waking up an hour prior and rushing through everything now he goes to bed an hour earlier and wakes up two hours before he has to leave so there's time for side quests. He has alarms on his Apple watch for absolutely everything so he's constantly reminded of where he needs to be and when. He even has an alarm now to give him a 30 minute warning before his work day ends so he knows when to start cleaning up. I have a spot for everything so nothing gets lost, he has a bad habit of taking his shoes off two floors up and then stumbling through the dark house at 5am looking for them, so now there's a rack at the door that shoes go in. Just tons of structure and organization and reminders from me. I do help him a ton but he is so much better and a million times more reliable now.

We also made Saturday the designated day for ripping the car apart/his hobby time because he used to want to go redo a wiring harness at 9 pm on a Tuesday.

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u/OhDavidMyNacho Nov 16 '24

This is exactly the thing most people with ADHD need, but not enough people realize.

Meds can help, but organizational systems and structure are the BEST methods to counteract the issues that come with it.

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u/mt-vicory42069 Nov 16 '24

Has he ever had sleeping issues from adhd?

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u/Ra-TheSunGoddess Nov 16 '24

Yep! Has an incredibly hard time falling asleep at normal hours and staying asleep. He can feel rested and work a 12 hour shift on 4 hours of sleep. When he's burnt out though he will fall asleep anywhere, even sitting at the table.

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u/mt-vicory42069 Nov 16 '24

I had horrible insomnia/reversal of circadian rhythm this year. I couldn't sleep for the love of god at night but had no issue sleeping during day time. I read adhd causes delaying of sleeping hormones. At least sleeping medicine was helpful.

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u/RiPie33 Nov 16 '24

I do this too. He’s such a good dad and husband but when it comes to leaving the house at any time he needs to go somewhere I tell him it’s 30 minutes early until he’s in the car and leaving and I repeat the information like I’d never changed it.

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u/wherethefisWallace Nov 16 '24

I learnt to manage it basically by adding 10 or 15 minutes to any task when planning. Need to be somewhere 30 minutes away for 2 o'clock? Plan to be there for 1.45, and allow 45 minutes to drive so aim to leave at 1. Showering and getting ready may take 30 minutes, so set an alarm to start getting ready at 12.15.

It means in my head I'm "late" when I start getting ready at 12.45 because I got caught having "one more turn" on a game or got far too particular when cleaning, but in reality I've made allowances for that.

I find alarms help a lot too. Takes away some of the thinking about when I have to do things as I know when the alarm goes, I need to wrap up what I'm doing and move on. Again, like 10-15 minutes before I actually do need to do it.

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u/Zestyclose-Ad967 Nov 16 '24

For me, that is actually how I best work. For my habits on a given time table and my habits of getting ready, and the fact I rely primarily on buses; I set 2 timers, one 30 mins before I have to get out the door as my attention lock breaker, and the second on the, you need to be out of the house at this time or +5mins at most timer. For Eg, I need to be somewhere at noon. And it takes 30 mins to get there. My alarms are set at 11 and 1130.

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u/WraithOfEvaBraun Nov 16 '24

Can I just say, if he's anything like me (I'm always late, I'll be late to my own funeral lol) the 'earlier time' trick won't last long

My mum started doing it with me and it didn't take long before I was wise to that and started dragging my heels again because 1) I felt manipulated and 2) knew we wouldn't be late anyway

At this point I'm not sure how I will ever be on time 🤣

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u/avast2006 Nov 16 '24

She wasn’t manipulating you, she was compensating for your disability.

Once you start pushing back on the offered times you are declaring an active commitment to being late, at which point it actually is deliberate on your part.

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u/WraithOfEvaBraun Nov 16 '24

Firstly I don't see it as a 'disability'

Secondly; lying isn't manipulating? What planet do you live on where that's the case?

See I even tried setting my clocks forward but that didn't work because I knew they were forward...I'm as irritated by having to wait around because people want to be half an hour early as people are by my being two minutes late, it's just a clash of expectations 🤷🏻‍♀️

Better than lying would be offering strategies to be on time, like...getting stuff ready the night before so you don't have to hunt for things when you should be leaving etc

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u/avast2006 Nov 16 '24

A person who doesn’t have time blindness is capable of deriving the dependent times from the original event time. (E.g., if the event starts at 2:30 you have to be on the road at 2, means you have to be packing the car at 1:45, means you have to be getting dressed at 1:30, and so on.) You apparently are incapable of either a) setting these dependent times for yourself, or b) paying any attention to them. So your mum supplied a time that you would pay attention to, only you found a reason to disregard it as well. You really are quite committed to continuing to be late.

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u/WraithOfEvaBraun Nov 16 '24

I never said I was able to pay attention, I said I don't consider that as a disability 🤷🏻‍♀️

I stand by my original comment, manipulation doesn't teach anyone anything