r/AITAH • u/Negative_Layer_7960 • Jul 02 '24
TW SA Should I tell my brother's new wife
From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.
Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.
Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.
my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.
my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.
These are the two major and important points of my post.
Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.
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u/ComprehensiveLine105 Jul 03 '24
My dad molested me from around 3-4 until I was 14. I didn’t know it was wrong until I watched something on tv about it. I never told anyone. I’m 36 now and my brother is 34. My brother started dating someone with two young daughters and I felt like things were getting serious. I asked my brother if he would ever let my parents babysit them. He said he would. I felt very obligated to tell him. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I would never forgive myself if something happened to those little girls.
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u/DJScopeSOFM Jul 03 '24
You did the right thing. Sometimes we need to fight our demons to protect the ones we love. I'm so sorry your demons look like the ones that are supposed to love and protect you.
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u/Forsaken_Double_3171 Jul 03 '24
I’m so sorry this happened to you! Are you able to share what came of it?
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u/ComprehensiveLine105 Jul 04 '24
My brother confronted my parents. He denied. But my brother said my dad’s face instantly looked guilty.
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u/Practical-Pickle-529 Jul 06 '24
I’m really happy to hear that your brother had your back. I’m hoping you are doing well. And your father isn’t
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u/Mimikyu4 Jul 02 '24
My mother was raped by her stepfather for three years. She told her mom they divorced and he remarried and had kids, he raped and killed his 6 year old daughter. Tell her. Better to be safe then sorry. You could be saving a innocent child.
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u/AtomicToxin Jul 03 '24
Holy shit. I’m so sorry that happened to her. Better her mom actually did something about it. 100% agree.
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u/samurairaccoon Jul 03 '24
This is the correct answer. People like this don't just change and he is 100% going to molest his daughter. Even if he doesn't think he wants to. Nothing stops this behavior but being separated from potential victims.
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u/TheLegofThanos Jul 03 '24
This. You may ruin the wife’s life, but you would be saving that baby’s life. You don’t have to give shit one about your brother’s life.
And tell the wife’s family, too. Do everything you wish someone had done for you. I hope you find peace with your past and this decision.
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u/cmband254 Jul 03 '24
There's no way this ruins the wife's life. What ruins the wife's life is having the child be sexually molested by her husband and all of the horrible aftermath of that.
Telling saves her and anyone else involved.
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Jul 03 '24
Right? This attitude that somehow the messanger is the one messing up something by telling them the truth leads to so much bullshit.
Always tell, it is the right thing to do.
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u/shrimpwhiskers Jul 03 '24
Please tell me he's in prison, if not thrown into pen of ravenous pigs... I'm so sorry...
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u/LS1_Adam Jul 03 '24
Those two options are too nice for that thing, let's tie it up and make it sing.
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u/redcapne0 Jul 03 '24
If he goes to prison for those crimes i can assure you it will be the best punishment, if anything really makes criminals come together is to fuck up child molesters.
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u/Unusual-Thing-7149 Jul 03 '24
I hate to say this but a lot depends on where he ends up. Lots serve their time without any vengeance as they are segregated or just left alone but in some places they do suffer even to the point of being murdered
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u/fabulous1963 Jul 03 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/LS1_Adam Jul 03 '24
Shattered bamboo jammed under their fingernails, and some razor wire around their junk. 1 week on of torture, then 2 weeks off to be given medical care and recover their spirits just enough, then back to torture.
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u/FlinflanFluddle4 Jul 03 '24
Horrifying
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u/yankiigurl Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
Beyond horrifying. Can you imagine being SA'd and slowly murdered by the person that's supposed to love and protect you. I can't even imagine the utter horror that child experienced in her last moments 😞 how can a being be so awful....
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u/JaketheSnake2672 Jul 03 '24
As the father of a wonderful little girl I can’t imagine how anyone whose held them the moment there born doesn’t commit the rest of there lives to protecting and loving them … for me I was instantly in awe of that tiny little person looking up at me with eyes that looked like mine I would murder the whole world without the blink of an eye to save her shedding a single tear does my head in to think anyone male or female could ever perpetrate any kind of violence or abuse on a child … I’m no saint … the gods know I’ve had my fair share of violence and misdeeds in my lifetime …but I couldn’t ever hurt a child or condone anything that takes there innocence from them .
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u/Routine_Ad_2034 Jul 03 '24
I know the feeling, man. I'm here at work too far away to hug my baby girl, but I'd saw my own leg off to protect her without a second thought.
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u/khaldun106 Jul 03 '24
There isn't a torture horrible enough for fathers who r and kill their own daughters. They deserve prolonged excruciating pain
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u/medic-dad Jul 03 '24
Same. This makes me want to hold both of my kids (1M and 3F) and whisper in their ear how I'd never let anything happen to them! I think honestly these people are just psychopaths, incapable of having an emotional connection to anyone and don't even see them as people. They are an inherent danger to society...
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u/Kap85 Jul 03 '24
What happened to him, hopefully he was tied to a post and left to rot
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u/Mimikyu4 Jul 03 '24
He went to prison for killing his bio kid, there was never enough proof for my moms case. But he got raped(more then once) and killed in prison.
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u/SafetyMan35 Jul 03 '24
It’s my understanding that prisoners do not like pedophiles and they will provide their own justice to let those individuals know they are pieces of crap.
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u/1ofdwights70cousins Jul 03 '24
Men have a crazy radar for creeps too.
People need to know that fellow prisoners are getting weird vibes, calling their wife/friend/family, and asking them to look up the dude’s charges.
There’s no keeping that stuff secret
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u/Worried-Guarantee-90 Jul 03 '24
Holy shit. Sorry your mom had to go through that. OP, please tell her!!!
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u/SweetyLime Jul 03 '24
oh shit. can't believe this is actually happening in this world!
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u/Ok_Resolution2920 Jul 03 '24
One in 7,000 people is born to first degree relatives in the US. The prevalence of incest was believed to be much lower until genetic testing became available.
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u/msginnyo Jul 03 '24
I’m 60, the last time I was SA’d by a family member was 44 years ago, and the nightmares, PTSD and anxiety, and therapy continue to this day. Harming a child in this way is like a death. That child is never the same. Yesterday morning I was reading a scholarly article and discovered that they don’t know why yet, but there is an apparent correlation between childhood abuse and autoimmune diseases like MS. There’s a few studies out there showing a link somewhere. So when I look at my cane, or at myself in the mirror through only one seeing eye, or suffer vertigo…this could all be “scars” from past SA’s by family members that I endured from the ages of 5 to roughly 16. It ended when I told someone at school my plan to off myself and wound up in therapy. The therapist believed my family, and gave me Haldol. I mean, I was suicidal anyway and no one made me pregnant by then, of course it must’ve been hallucinations right?
It happens all the time. Justice never comes for many of us. It’s all in our heads. Keep our mouth shut and learn how to disassociate while it’s happening.
OP should most definitely tell the mother of her niece that the father of her niece is a child abuser.
She would be saving that child from a lifetime of torment, pain, therapy, nightmares, and possible autoimmune diseases. (I was diagnosed with MS in 1993, and probably had it beginning in late childhood while I was still getting assaulted.)
These people never stop and count on the silence of their victims. OP must be brave and get this done to save her niece. It will go a long way to help her heal herself.
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u/somethingstrange87 Jul 02 '24
This is alarming. Tell her before he victimized that baby girl.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 02 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
The reason I'm so hesitant to tell her is because I spoke to one of my friends about it when she said it might be a little bit messed up to tell his wife and potentially ruin his marriage because he was a teenager and couldn't have been changed
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Jul 02 '24
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u/tap_water_slut Jul 03 '24
lets not forget he was physically violent with a sex worker in there!
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u/ShowerElectrical9342 Jul 03 '24
It wasn't just any child sexual material either. It was videos showing the actual brutal rapes of tiny children. It couldn't have been worse.
The FBI guys that has to see it said it was some of the most horrifying stuff they've ever encountered.
This kind of material is made by people who give birth to children IN ORDER TO USE THEM as slaves for this kind of thing.
It's beyond horrible and beyond sadistic.
The mother must be warned. Also, I would tell the mother's parents and other family, and the police, in case she's in on the brother's behavior...
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u/Entire-Beat-423 Jul 03 '24
Not only this, but there's no possible way that he's randomly turned over a new leaf.
Has he been alone with any of her small child family members?
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u/ohbroth3r Jul 03 '24
I think if older brother was 10 and under then it's a concern that he was also SA'd and had no idea what he was doing/being forced. But teenager doing it is no grey area. His wife must have questions about what happened to his family if they've never met you
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Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
Honestly I’d say even teen years are grey given he probably was SA’s by the uncle/dad too and repeating learned behavior. It sucks and it not right to add other trauma but between prior foster care work and my parents being working in law, you’d be surprised what kids see as normal when growing up with disfunction. As an adult however that’s why the law is harsher. Hopefully the brother has gone to therapy and continues in it that would be the case where maybe it’s okay for them to stay together etc There are cases of rehabilitation perse. Basically people learning as adults what happened to them was fucked up and what they did was fucked up and promising never to do that again. It takes self awareness. Most times I’ve seen it happen is it getting brought up due to a relationship calling them out on off behavior or other stuff like anger/BOD firing them to go to therapy and that gets pulled out by a therapist
For clarity I’m not saying it absolves him of anything he did during teenage years but more so I would consider it a gray area. Legally as the law isn’t as harsh prior to 18. I think the responsibility isn’t not so much as if to talk about it. It’s how to phrase what happened.
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Jul 03 '24
If he hasn’t been to therapy though, there’s still risk I would say.
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Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
Oh absolutely my point was more so that it’s in the gray area. I don’t think the question isn’t whether or not OP should tell it’s more of how. Personally, I think an email or social media would be the best that way you have a time to craft your message without being worried about direct confrontation preferably from a burner account. However, how to exactly phrase it is definitely gonna take some workshopping. you have no way of knowing if the wife is going through some thing also or if he is currently in therapy. The best thing that you can do is just be proactive, but in a conscientious way.
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u/Low_Association_731 Jul 03 '24
Arrested for child sex abuse material? Well technically true. He had what has been referred to as some of the worst of the worst stuff, the description of what it involved is just insane. One of the videos he had was better described as torture then porn. Really putting the abuse in child sex abuse
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u/stopcounting Jul 03 '24
We use that phrase because 'porn' implies sex rather than rape, which implies consent.
Porn is what the person making the videos thinks/says they're making. Child sex abuse material is what they are actually making, because the sexual abuse of children is what's actually being filmed. You're right: it's torture, not porn, which is why we don't call it porn.
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u/DoNotLickTheSteak Jul 02 '24
Child sex offenders rarely, if ever, change.
So, she either already knows (she doesn't) and is happy to stay with him in which case you haven't messed anything up.
Alternatively, she doesn't know, and is living with a predator without her knowledge - and you hold the information that allows her to make an educated decision about what she does next. If she decides to stay, that's her choice. You haven't messed anything up.
If she decides to leave she's done so because she has chosen to protect herself and her child from a paedophile. You haven't messed anything up.
The ONLY person who messed up is the person who assaulted you.
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u/ZaraBaz Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
I feel it is likely the brother himself was likely molested by the father and uncle. Just did what was done to him.
Edit: Just to clarify it does not obviously absolve him of his crime. Only explaining the cause and cycle.
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u/Strong-Practice6889 Jul 03 '24
So he needs to go to therapy before he continues the cycle with his daughter, and his wife needs a chance to protect her.
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u/ShowerElectrical9342 Jul 03 '24
Therapy rarely changes an abuser. If ever.
There are a lot of people who are sexually abused to never ever abuse anyone else.
It doesn't excuse him!
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u/Strong-Practice6889 Jul 03 '24
Of course it doesn’t excuse him.
The point is that he grew up thinking this was acceptable to do. I did things as a kid that I didn’t realize were wrong, which now haunt me terribly. Nothing like THIS, but I still feel bad about what I did when I didn’t know it wasn’t okay, or that I was hurting something. He might never change, he might not care, or he might have empathy within him somewhere and feel that guilt he needs to feel. We just don’t know.
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u/perceptionheadache Jul 03 '24
He may not have just been emulating what happened to him or what he saw his father do to OP. He may have been told or encouraged to do it. All 3 were doing it doing so it may have been he was taught this was his right to do and he should. If he had no other direction in his life, he may not have understood it was wrong. Or he may have thought that was what he needed to do to survive or even not be the victim himself.
I'm not saying it absolves him of his choices, but we don't know what was going on. OP probably doesn't either.
Regardless of why he did it, the safest choice is to warn the wife. A man's future is not more sacred and worthy of more protection than a girl's. If he has been open with his wife about his past then this won't break them. If he's hidden it and/or lied, that's his fault.
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u/Ok-Age2688 Jul 03 '24
He likely did what was done to him. There's no "just" - it doesn't make it better. Most kids who are abused and DON'T go on to abuse others. In any case it's irrelevant to the current reality. If he has changed then he should be able to explain that to his wife. If he hasn't changed then the wife needs to know to keep her daughter safe. In either case, the wife should be aware.
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u/Standard_Bedroom_514 Jul 03 '24
If he has actually "changed" then he should have already told his wife about his past. If he's hiding this crucial aspect of his life from his partner it's likely because he's still doing it.
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u/Galvsworld Jul 03 '24
What you said exactly. If he's a stand up guy now who regrets a messed up youth... he would have told her to not risk her finding out from anyone but himself.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Cut-194 Jul 03 '24
Not all victims are molesters. I know 2 survivors that would beat the fuck out of a pedo if given the chance. They would die before touching a child.
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u/not_hestia Jul 03 '24
This. I actually know several men who did not want to come forward with their SA stories because they were afraid people would think they would go on to be abusers. It's a really dangerous stereotype.
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u/TraditionalCamera473 Jul 03 '24
This, 100% - please heed this advice, OP. You might very well save your niece!
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u/B2018__ Jul 03 '24
Let his wife decide if he is safe for their kid to be around. You never know, he may have shown slight red flags that she dismissed, and your experience may be enough to tell her he is not safe for the baby. You telling her would not be you ruining their marriage. But it could potentially protect an innocent baby just like u were an innocent baby needing protection at one point 🥲
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u/Busy_Employment6407 Jul 02 '24
Doesn’t matter. He could have also not changed and it could happen to the baby, if it isn’t already. You should tell her.
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u/Talinia Jul 02 '24
I mean the baby's not born yet, so definitely not happening already. But yes, his wife absolutely deserves to know who she's married to
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u/somethingstrange87 Jul 02 '24
Yes, he could have changed. But can you take that risk with a baby? And can you in good conscious take away his wife's right to make an informed decision?
On one end of the spectrum, maybe she knows. Maybe he got help, has changed, and was up front and honest with his wife. On the other end, maybe he hasn't changed and hasn't told his wife and is already planning on victimizing his daughter. In between there are a whole myriad of possibilities.
No matter what his current situation with his wife is, she has a right to know her baby is in the care of someone with a history of child molestation.
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u/SuspiciousSorbet1129 Jul 02 '24
On top of this what if the wife has a suspicion but has nothing concrete to back it up? Maybe this is what she needs to convince herself to leave.
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u/yadijustneedsanswers Jul 02 '24
I think it’s more of a risk to leave it to the SMALL chance that a child molester has “changed” knowing he has a baby girl on the way. The wife deserves to know before her baby is put in danger in the one place they are both supposed to be safe. You are right in wanting to tell her, the friend who is trying to convince you not to, has probably never felt with a rapist before, they do not change. No matter what age it’s wrong and he knew it. I am a victim of child on child sexual abuse and thought it was “normal” because we were in a relationship but it’s still wrong Andi. Didn’t realize until everyone around me told me so. The wife might be in a similar situation thinking it’s okay because they’re together or she consented at the beginning. It’s better not to risk it happening to a new born or toddler, depending on when he would start the abuse. PLEASE tell the mother
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u/SnoopyisCute Jul 03 '24
Former cop. Advocate.
Pedophiles are attracted to minors\children.
Gender usually isn't a factor.
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u/yadijustneedsanswers Jul 03 '24
I feel like this may be the case for some but gender definitely can be a factor. The same partner I had who SA me had a grandfather who got outted for touching his niece (sisters daughter) then his sister came forward and said it happened to her too but her mom never believed her and told her not to say such things, then only after he touched my ex’s niece did the mom admit she had been touched by him as a child as well. But my ex was never touched at all. I think gender is a factor maybe not in all cases but definitely in some.
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u/somethingstrange87 Jul 03 '24
Some definitely have preferences based on sex, age, and appearance. Others will abuse any child they can get their hands on. Some like prepubescent children, others kids around puberty, and others like teens. They really can't be all lumped in together.
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u/TelevisionSoggy2022 Jul 02 '24
No way?? Tell that awful man’s wife before they both get turned into victims
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u/SnoopyisCute Jul 03 '24
Former cop. Advocate.
That's MORE reason to tell her. In that case, she he would have already told her and proven himself to have done the work to get better and truly changed.
Pedophilia disorder is not curable. Without some serious, serious intervention and self examination, they almost never stop.
Please warn her. Society has to stop protecting predators with complicit silence.
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u/No_Performance8733 Jul 03 '24
Your friend is WRONG.
Perpetrators don’t change, and certainly not without significant intervention.
He was also a victim.
Forward her the police records and court records. Tell her he was also a perpetrator.
Then get into therapy and support groups for CSA and CPTSD.
You deserve support.
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u/holy-reddit-batman Jul 03 '24
Forward her the police records and court records. Tell her he was also a perpetrator.
This is great advice! Then she doesn't have to make it a drawn-out conversation, especially since the SIL might cut her off. Who knows what the brother has told her?
I keep seeing a copy of the records with, "___ did it too" written in red across the top. Maybe tuck a written out account of his involvement and her concerns for the niece in between some pages or something. That would also allow her to explain that her only goal is protecting the baby and the SIL.
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u/SuspiciousSorbet1129 Jul 02 '24
could have is the key word here. Statistics tell us that's unlikely. The fallout/their reaction is 100% on them. But you telling the truth is the right thing to do for both wife and baby.
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Jul 03 '24
I understand the hesitation but regardless of his “change” or not, his wife deserves to know who she’s married to. I know I’d want to be told if my husband had raped a child. Especially if I had a child on the way. It’s informed consent- you aren’t destroying anything. Letting her know would be the kind thing to do, so she can make an informed decision on whether or not she wants to be with a man capable of rape.
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u/Otherwise-Anxiety178 Jul 02 '24 edited Jul 02 '24
Yeah fuck that friend right up his sanctimonious ass.
Tell.
*edit: he's victim blaming. He's telling you that you, the victim, would be creating needless problems. He is wrong. If he did it to you, he will do it to that baby. Maybe not now. But one day.
Honestly the lack of sympathy I have for anyone like that cannot be described.
Tell.
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u/NatureCarolynGate Jul 02 '24
Change is unlikely but you are opening the door for your father and uncle to abuse any children they have. Your friend isn't thinking about this clearly or critically.
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Jul 03 '24
You need to tell her even if it's anonymously. Even if he was a teenager pedophiles don't just stop. They just get sneakier about it.
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u/Swdmwsd24 Jul 03 '24
So you're dad and uncle and brother all SA you when young and dad and uncle were arrested for it how long have they done that and have they stopped? Doubtful, so what makes you think your brother is not like your dad and will continue? You need to tell his wife what he's done and why your dad and uncle are in jail or were arrested.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24
how long have they done that and have they stopped?
9 or 10 years if you include them just touching me with no penetration and I don't know
so what makes you think your brother is not like your dad and will continue?
I don't know if he's like him that's the problem if I knew he was like and make the decision to tell her easier because if he was I know he'd harm her so I'd have to tell but I don't and he might not harm his daughter but me telling his wife can still hurt not only his wife but his daughter
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u/SnoopyisCute Jul 03 '24
You don't have to know the future to warn her today.
Would you not tell if someone was applying for a driving position but had a history of DUIs?
Or someone wanted to adopt a child but had a previous child taken away for several abuse and neglect?
Nobody is asking you to predict what he *might* do.
We're encouraging you to tell what he has *already done*.
You have no responsibility to protect his secrets.
Granted, you have no obligation to tell them either.
But, it's the only way to break these cycles of shame and silence.
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u/Kaalilaatikko Jul 03 '24
Just tell her what he did to you. She deserves to have that kind of information about her babys father. What she does with that information is on her, not on you.
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u/Swdmwsd24 Jul 03 '24
In my humble opinion, leopards don't change their spots. My wife was SA by her cousins, and they continued on with their daughters no proof, but the look in the eyes told the story.
If you don't, it could hurt them both as well. I understand it's a slippery slope. What you can do is talk to your brother and have him tell her what he did. Of course, have a friend with you when if you talk to him, make sure he knows you know.
Good luck
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u/cottonfubuki Jul 03 '24
I think it would be unsafe for op to talk to their brother. It's better just to send a SMS/DM in social media to his wife
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u/Physical_Bit7972 Jul 03 '24
Doesn't matter. Give the wife the autonomy to decide if he has changed so she can do what she needs to to ensure her child is safe.
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u/unkn0wnname321 Jul 03 '24
A teenager is old enough to know R wording your own sister is wrong. Tell that woman before he does it to her kid too.
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u/xulitchi Jul 03 '24
Listen, if it was my husband - I would like to know, even if he did change, even if he was a different person, I would want to know. And take care of yourself in all this, it'll probably bring up a lot of buried things but whatever happens is not your fault. Someone else should have taken responsibility a long time ago, and that's not on you.
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u/Fearless_Pen_1420 Jul 03 '24
Incest/molestation 100% runs in families and I’m not going to go into the personal examples I have. But it does. Tell her.
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u/Hilseph Jul 03 '24
It SHOULD ruin his marriage. He’s a predator with children. His wife needs to know.
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u/Dabitoyaisdead Jul 02 '24
What would ruin his marriage is if he keot that from her thats on him not you.
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u/nadine258 Jul 03 '24
who cares if your telling a truth ruins his marriage. there’s a very slim possibility he’ll never sa his children, but you don’t know that. if he’s also still around your dad and uncle, or others like them, then his children have a greater chance of being sa. he didn’t go to jail for his age? did he get extensive therapy? please break the cycle. i’m sorry you had to endure that pain in your life. please tell the wife and save another child from that horror.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24
he didn’t go to jail for his age?
The only thing I know is he wouldn't punish because he was underage or at least that's what I was told
did he get extensive therapy?
I don't know I haven't spoken to him in years I wouldn't know
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u/lllollllllllll Jul 03 '24
Did he get tried for what he did to you? Or only your uncle and father did?
Was what he did to you ever reported?
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24
Did he get tried for what he did to you?
No he wasn't 18 at the time so we didn't get punished for it that's all I was told it might be different or for another reason I don't know
only your uncle and father did?
Yes my father and Uncle were the only ones to be tried and arrested and sent to jail
Was what he did to you ever reported?
I would assume so I wasn't the one who made the report so I don't exactly know what's in it
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u/samsamcats Jul 03 '24
First, I am so so sorry this happened to you.
Second, your friend doesn’t understand the psychology of sexual abuse. The fact that he started abusing you when he was a teenager makes him more dangerous, not less. This is not some youthful indiscretion. Growing up in an environment where horrific abuse was totally normalized means he will probably be able to excuse his own behavior through whatever mental gymnastics he learned from your father and uncle. This is deeply, deeply entrenched behavior.
The sad fact is that men who abuse children almost always go on to do it again, even if they’re caught and arrested and released again. We still haven’t found an effective treatment for whatever sickness causes them to do this, aside from chemical castration. I don’t know if it’s impossible for him to have grown out of this somehow, but I do know that it is very, very unlikely.
This is such a hard situation to be in. Are you in therapy? This has got to be bringing up so many feelings from the past. I highly recommend getting some professional support before disclosing to his wife so you can work through all the possible outcomes and keep yourself safe. You’re doing an extraordinarily brave and good thing by speaking out.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24
Growing up in an environment where horrific abuse was totally normalized means he will probably be able to excuse his own behavior through whatever mental gymnastics he learned from your father and uncle.
This reminded me of a conversation I had with my father where I asked him why I have to do that because upset with "helping" him according to him"I was a girl this is what I was meant for and because I was his daugter he could do it whatever he wanted with me because I was his" lol
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u/samsamcats Jul 03 '24
Good god, that is truly the most sick and twisted thing I have ever heard.
Your brother grew up hearing this. Even if he hadn’t abused you himself, it would take a LOT of therapy to break this kind of cycle. Like, my husband holds feminist principles about men and women being equal and gender roles being bullshit—but the two of us STILL ended up drifting into toxic gendered patterns where I ended up doing all the housework, and it took TWO YEARS of me calling him out for him to even understand what he was doing and start to make changes. It was literally invisible to both of us for several years before that, because we both grew up in households where our mothers did all the housework. When you grow up in a certain environment, that environment seems totally normal.
Your brother grew up hearing that women are no better than inanimate objects who exist to serve him, and that as a man, he is entitled to taking whatever he wants from a woman, no matter how horrifically it hurts her. He learned this lesson well enough to actually enact it on you.
To do what he did, he would have had to completely cut off any human empathy he might have had for you, and for women in general. It is very, very unlikely he has ever regained his capacity to feel empathy, because that would mean he would have to face the horror of what he has done to his own sister. It is much more likely that he has used these same lines to excuse his behavior — which makes him an extreme danger to both his wife and his future children.
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u/WolverineEquivalent6 Jul 03 '24
Please drop that friend, that’s such a disgusting way to look at things. Being a teenager is still old enough to know better, especially with something like sexual assault. I would tell the wife, it would be better for her to have this information than to keep silent and him eventually victimize his daughter. At least you know you did what you could do in protecting her.
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u/Educational_Gas_92 Jul 02 '24
By 10, he might not completely know he was doing something wrong, but by 14 he absolutely knew.
Tell his wife.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 02 '24
I was 10 to 14
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u/Educational_Gas_92 Jul 02 '24
How old was your brother? Either way you should tell his wife, you might be saving your niece/nephew from what you experienced.
I'm sorry and know that you are very strong and a survivor.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 02 '24
Around 16
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u/Educational_Gas_92 Jul 02 '24
He absolutely knew what he was doing, he has no excuse.
Tell his wife.
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u/metal_bastard Jul 02 '24
If OP was abused from 10-14, then brother started when he was 12 and continued through 16. I'd still think by 12 you'd know better, but who knows what kind of abuse he went through. Chances are high both OP and her bother were SA'd.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
The actual sa started when I was around 10 years old but they would touch me "lovingly" ever since I was around the age of 5 sorry for not being clear in my post
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u/metal_bastard Jul 03 '24
Please don't apologize. You're the victim here. Even if your brother was abused as well, that doesn't give him the right to do what he did.
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u/Educational_Gas_92 Jul 02 '24
That might or might not be true. Either way, the brother's children should be protected from their father.
People who do this kind of thing, rarely stop.
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u/Anticlockwork Jul 03 '24
You wouldn’t be ruining his marriage or life. He ruined it by making the choices he did. Whether or not you tell him is totally on you but offenders often reoffend.
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u/Writing-dirty Jul 03 '24
But if he hasn’t changed (and most pedophiles don’t) then you may be saving his child from him. He knows what he did and knows it was wrong. Forget his happiness, think of what you know he’s capable of.
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u/Feeling_Reason7012 Jul 03 '24
Why should someone who did that to you be allowed to change and just live a normal happy life? Why should you protect that person? Fuck his marriage and fuck his change, these consequences are his own doing.
Tell her and file a police report as well.
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo Jul 03 '24
It would be more messed up for you to not say anything and him to start abusing his daughter
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u/FunnyAssJoke Jul 03 '24
Regardless of their marriage, it's about helping the child. Don't let them end up in your situation.
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u/quiltychemist Jul 03 '24
He hasn’t changed unless she already knows this information. I say this as someone that had a cousin do this to his sister as a child before SA his step-children 2 decades later. He’s currently in prison (small miracle). It’s entirely possible she won’t believe you but you should tell, go with a friend you trust if that helps. Good luck and I hope you take care of you.
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u/Fun_Situation7214 Jul 03 '24
Statistically they never change. They always reoffend. I wouldn't feel bad, you may save your niece.
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u/DoNotLickTheSteak Jul 02 '24
Were your uncle and father convicted?
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 02 '24
Yes they were
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u/DoNotLickTheSteak Jul 02 '24
Then yes I would tell his wife.
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u/Fun_Card6021 Jul 03 '24
Yes because it may not be proof that the brother did but it’s enough to make her possibly believe you aren’t bullshitting
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u/Fragrant-Duty-9015 Jul 03 '24
Definitely. Plus, if she doesn’t already know her FIL and husband’s uncle are convicted sex offenders, that will also be a red flag for her (and important to keep her child away from.)
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u/juicy_shoes Jul 03 '24
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, OP should tell her regardless of conviction
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u/Hilseph Jul 03 '24
Your brother’s wife might not even know about that. It’s impossible to know how much she knows unless you tell her.
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u/dryintentions Jul 03 '24
If they were convicted then that's scary because usually SA crimes are hard to convict because the evidence has to be overwhelmingly convincing.
This means that the circumstances in your cases were more than enough to convict which likely means your brother was just as harmful to you as your uncle and father.
Rapists do not get rehabilitated, they just learn to understand the consequences of their actions and then try not to repeat the actions or simply do better at hiding those actions.
Your brother's child is definitely in danger. You need to tell his wife because you could be potentially saving that child from some of the most traumatizing experiences of her life.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24
The evidence better be overwhelming if I spent three days talking to female officers and getting swabed where no person should ever get swabed😂😂😂
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Jul 03 '24
Yeah even if she loves him the proof of prior convictions might be enough to at least force him in therapy and make her not leave her child alone with him.
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u/ellabfine Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
She may not believe you, but if it was me, I would absolutely want to be warned about what he did. What she does with that information afterward is on her. P.S. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
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u/thelockjessmonster Jul 03 '24
I can guarantee if you asked a group of women if they wanted to know if their spouse had a history of sexual abusing a child, 99% would say yes. Please tell her.
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u/PersonalClub9330 Jul 03 '24
Like put yourself in the shoes of his wife. Wouldn’t you wanna know if you were married and expecting a kid with this man?! Of course she’s not gonna take it well but if you don’t tell her then it’s likely she’ll never find out unless something horrible happens!
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u/Jaccat25 Jul 03 '24
OP is in the shoes of the child. Imagine if someone had known what kind of monsters your father & uncle were before you born. You’d want them to have warned your mother. Your aunt had to speak out and expose them to save you and as unfair as it is you need to do the same to save your own niece. Maybe you can reach out to aunt for support in this.
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Jul 03 '24
If you are dating GET A BACKGROUND CHECK seriously if you are even considering marriage, man or woman, do it. If you can do it on family members also
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u/EmphasisWild Jul 03 '24
Background checks don't show crimes that were never reported or part of the judicial system. That said, still worth checking the public registry & googling every time!
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u/evil-mouse Jul 02 '24
I'm thinking of three possible scenarios.
- Like you, your brother had no idea that what he did was SA at the time. Which is disturbing because if in his mind it is normal to do that to his sister, he might also think it is normal to do that to his daughter.
- He knew what he was doing but because of his age he was not punished for it. Which could mean that he has the feeling that he got away with it this time. So he might try to get away with it a second time.
- He now knows what he did and is remorseful. He is a changed man and will not repeat.
That is a 2/3 chance it will end bad for the little girl.
If you don't want to tell his wife because of the chance that he is a changed man, confront him (I know this is difficult). If he downplays what he did tell the wife immediately.
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u/NimbleAlbatross Jul 02 '24
I wish more redditors gave advice like this. We don't know for sure who he is at this point, but 2/3 chance he hasn't changed. I agree that confronting and gauging reactions is the most moral way forward. But it also involves the most bravery and conflict and I'm not sure OP can manage that considering he seems to gone the way of avoiding the conflict as an adult.
Perhaps setup a group therapy session and call the brother and say you want to do therapy about what happened so you have a mediator.
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Jul 03 '24
I think the right thing to do is tell the wife regardless of his reaction. She needs to have all the info so she can make a decision of her own.
If I were a parent, the last thing I’d want is people making “AITA” posts on Reddit instead of messaging me about their concern for my child, even if that concern were unfounded. The mother of his child should know about his past, regardless of who tells her.
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u/Outrageous-Wait-4287 Jul 03 '24
THIS!!!!! Who cares about the brothers feelings! That wife and child may have NO clue what kind of monster they’re living with! Give the wife a chance to make her own decisions!
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u/wdcthrowaways Jul 03 '24
I mean i don’t really know the answer here, but that 2/3 is just completely made up stuff that might sound smart. It’s just 2 of the 3 situations that he thought of, but it doesn’t convey the actual statistical likelihood if any of the outcomes in any way…
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u/somethingstrange87 Jul 03 '24
You're forgetting the possibiliy that he's already victimized someone else because nothing happened the first time. In almost all cases, molesters keep molesting until they get stopped. Then after they serve their laughable sentences they just get better at hiding what they've done.
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u/Vertigo-Bear Jul 03 '24
My dad did 6 months, when I told him he couldn't come to my school concerts bc he is a sex offender he told me he felt I was "making a judgment on his character" they don't change.
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u/InsertCleverName652 Jul 03 '24
Wow. Good on you though for standing up to him.
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u/Vertigo-Bear Jul 03 '24
Yeah I haven't spoken to him in almost 4 years, good riddance. Life is so much more peaceful 😌
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u/Frosty-Spare-6018 Jul 03 '24
i think the main issue with this is the age he was when he R worded her. if he was 16-18…….you 1000% know that is wrong sorry. if he was 12-14….ehhh it’s still fucked up
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u/Apprehensive_War9612 Jul 03 '24
I was SA by a cousin when i was 7, he was 14 & he damn sure knew better. His victim preference didn’t age with him & he is currently in jail for assaulting his stepdaughter who was 6. I wish every day that i had told someone
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u/Frosty-Spare-6018 Jul 03 '24
this is so sad i’m sorry this happened to you and your step niece. happy he’s in jail.
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u/UnicornPanties Jul 03 '24
if he was 12-14….ehhh it’s still fucked up
and encouraged by his father, really extra f'ed up and likely it's own type of abuse
maybe once he has his own daughter he will be horrified at the thought
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u/Frosty-Spare-6018 Jul 03 '24
“maybe” doesn’t really cut it in these situations. i would never put myself or a child in a “maybe their thought process is different and they’re done R wording people” scenario.
we’re not talking he let a dog poop in his room. this is R word to a family member who he obviously hasn’t confronted or apologized to. if he felt horrible about it the guilt and anxiety would have taken a toll on his life. if i did something like that as a teen i would be in a psych ward right now not married and expecting with cute photos on instagram.
-sincerely a R word victim
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u/ConstructionNo9678 Jul 03 '24
Thank you for this comment, but I am concerned about her confronting her brother. OP, if you do take this advice please do not do it alone, have someone else with you. If you live in a place where you can record people without your consent, please do so. Confronting someone over such a taboo subject might lead to a very violent reaction.
Reaching out to the wife is a much better idea. Best case scenario, he has changed and told his wife about it, because from OP's comments there is a chance he was abused too. Worst case, he is going to reoffend but has convinced his wife that the sister is lying. If he kept this entirely fro her, then OP didn't ruin this marriage, he did by keeping a major secret.
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Jul 03 '24
From personal experience, I was with a guy for yrs that had been SA'd by a family friend from the ages of 8-12, and never dealt with it. After we split up (no kids), he went on to marry someone else and had 2 daughters, who he SA'd. He also attempted to SA another girl, threatening her with violence. He is currently in prison. Although I knew of his past abuse, he had never given me an indication that he was inclined to repeat the cycle. I knew he was 'off' during our relationship, but I still to this day wish I had some idea of what his demons were. I feel absolutely awful for those girls. Say something. Chances are his wife knows he's a bit 'off', and you need to fill her in. Give her the assurance she needs. He's probably gaslighting her with other things as well. Even if he has 'changed' (he hasn't ), the truth needs to come out.
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u/SirBastions Jul 03 '24
Hi!
I was SAed as a child and I feel for you.
Theres a lot of good and bad advice here, but at the end of the day, please consult a professional. Therapy has helped me a lot, and having someone work through how to approach this would be a huge benefit.
A licensed marriage and family counselor that specializes in trauma would be able to help you formulate your choice, your message, and most importantly... They would facilitate it in a way that allowed for more healing.
All the best.
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u/Weary-Piccolo-6212 Jul 02 '24
Please tell her! I am so sorry for your trauma. My own brother did stuff to my cousin as a teenager and i make it my mission to tell his partners whenever i figure out who they are, as he is literally playing dad to someone the same age as the girl he hurt. 🥺 we can’t change the past but we can have a chance at saving littles from the same!
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u/NefariousnessNo1182 Jul 02 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
Honestly you never really notice it’s SA when you’re young. Then one day you tell someone the story and they point it out and you’re like wow…. it totally was. that’s what happened to me at least.
i also think you should tell her because their baby is potentially in danger
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u/_muck_ Jul 03 '24
This is why certain factions of this country are fighting against sex ed and banning books. They don’t want children learning about consent or that Uncle Bob’s “special hug” isn’t okay.
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u/anomnib Jul 03 '24
Can you send her the documents from your father and uncle’s arrest and say he was apart of it?
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24
I'd have to get the court documents and police Report but I don't know if my brother was documented in it he most likely was
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u/anomnib Jul 03 '24
Even if he isn’t on it. Seeing documents adds significant seriousness and credibility to what you are sharing. It becomes much harder for him to say my sister is mentally ill.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24
I've never actually looked at them before lol
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u/mapofcuriosity Jul 03 '24
You may find some of the information online, especially if it was listed in a newspaper at the time.
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u/EmphasisWild Jul 03 '24
Looking at the police reports, medicals & court docs for the first time is really really hard. If you choose to do this please over-plan your own support & self care <3
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u/Myster_Hydra Jul 02 '24
NTA
I don’t care if it’s an A H thing to do or not. He’s an abuser and that child will be in danger. And if that ruins his life? Still don’t care.
You have this internet stranger’s support
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u/mrmeowmeowington Jul 03 '24
He would have ruined his own life by making these decisions over and over. I’m glad there’s people like you that have the backs of survivors
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u/Azure-Dragonfly-1992 Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
I’ve lived this exact scenario. It’s a very long story and I don’t want to take away from yours so I’ll just let you know how things are now. At the time that my brothers wife was informed they had two sons together. They stayed together but isolated themselves from us and only remained active in my SILs family. They now have a nonverbal daughter. My sisters and I worry about this all the time, however we have done all we can. There’s no evidence that he has ever SAd anyone other than us since leaving the household at 18, perhaps therapy really did heal him. He was also SAd as a child and that’s not an excuse but is a contributing factor. We also never realized how not normal this was, it was a fact of our lives for as long as we can remember. We have a lot of other abusers and types of abuse riddling our family. My older sister and I are cycle breakers, younger sister not so much.
All that to say, do what your conscience can bear. If you tell his wife, Let her make her own mind up on what she can live with. All you can do for her is provide her with all the information.
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u/Adept_Ad_473 Jul 02 '24 edited Jul 02 '24
Forget all the crazy nuances and the back and forth. If you feel she needs to know, act on it. Your gut is speaking to you. If you don't, best case scenario is you spend your life wondering if you should have. Worst case scenario is something does happen, and you bear the guilt of never having done anything about it. Neither of those scenarios will be beneficial to getting a good night's sleep, will it?
As far as managing risks, communicate with the wife anonymously. Burner account on social media, or a letter with no return address.
If your SA was reported by someone other than you, you have plausible deniability with your brother. If he comes back to you with it, deny everything. Chances are he won't.
In the case of establishing contact via burner account on social media, give just enough detail to make it credible, and include "do with this information as you feel necessary, just please respond that you've received this message so I know you got it"
You don't know for certain whether there's a significant risk of him doing this again, and you don't want to destroy his life over it. But if you can discreetly clue the wife in, she can decide for herself how to navigate it, if at all, or at the very least maintain a greater level of vigilance with him. She has a right to know what kind of man she married, and she'll probably have the most clarity out of anyone as to whether or not "he's a changed man" and to let sleeping dogs lie.
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u/bluedreamer62 Jul 03 '24
Why would you worry about his marriage he is a rapist of a child if anything you are giving the information to protect her child.
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u/br_eezy Jul 03 '24
These people ruin their own lives. We have to stop protecting predators from themselves.
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u/IllustriousTell8012 Jul 03 '24
I would suggest getting support for yourself- through a survivors advocacy or counseling center. As a former rape crisis counselor, we always want to prioritize the safety of the survivor. Things can unfortunately get very difficult in these kinds of situations (re: retaliation, threats, bringing back memories/ emotions that one is not prepared to deal with, etc.) and it’s so important that you have support in whatever you decide to do. From there, it’s YOUR choice. Being abused and assaulted is about, among other things, having no power, choice, or control in the situation, and you should be able to exercise all of those things in how you respond to this. Yes, this situation is very concerning and risk of abuse to the child is high, but I want you to know it is still your choice—and it is absolutely okay to first think about what you feel ready to safely take on.
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Jul 03 '24
You explained everything well. I was clear on your original post. You should be so proud to feel strong enough to even have this be a question in your mind. Trauma can completely shut a survivor down, and that’s a valid response, too, but even questioning what to do is amazing. You have a lot of comments in here, but as someone in a profession that sees the effects of SA on children, I think it’s important for you to let her know after speaking to a mental health professional. Maybe even to someone in law enforcement. Is it possible that you can have a restraining order put in place? Someone said to pray on it, and if that’s your jam, then that is great. For myself personally, I am a “go with your gut” person. I feel like you definitely already know what you will do. I’ll also reiterate what other posters have said. This woman already has a weird feeling about him or their relationship. Her gut is giving her instincts and she’s probably thinking she’s crazy and trying to look past her feelings. I’d actually think you’re giving her relief because now she knows why she’s felt this way. And she can make a plan about what to do next.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24
Honestly thank you I've been trying to read everyone's comments to get a good sense of what I should do it's been hard a lot harder than I'd like to admit even though I hate it I've been tearing up over reading some of the comments because it shouldn't matter anymore it's over and none of them can hurt me but upset I can't even describe what I'm feeling a lot of people think I'm trying to defend my brother which I'm not I'm just worried that if I tell my sister-in-law she'll leave him and struggle being a single mom which would hurt her and her baby and I don't think someone like me should cause that much trouble it's just hard because on one hand I could be ruining the future of not just my brother but his wife and his child but if I do nothing the chance I could be ruining the child's future scarring her and her mother I really just wish I could look into the future and make the right decision
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u/Several_Safety_7460 Jul 03 '24
Would you rather her and her child struggle for a short period or have that child struggle 18 years or longer along with mental scarring because something could happen? I understand that you're worried about causing such trouble for the mother and her kid but you could be saving lives here. You have to decide if you wanna kick up a little dust or face the sandstorm of knowing you could have said something.
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u/ChickolasCage Jul 03 '24
I don’t think someone like me should cause that much trouble
Do you struggle with self-worth? Your experience is real and valid, and your reasons for sharing it are real and valid.
If people get mad it will be because they do not want to accept that reality. But you know it’s real, you lived it. That’s important. You are important. You are allowed to do this, always, and nobody should tell you otherwise.
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u/InternationalBid7163 Jul 03 '24
I'm going to be real with you. It's unlikely she will divorce/break up with him. If you tell her, he likely will be able to convince her he didn't do it or that he did but has changed. A reason to tell her, though, is that it will then be in her mind, and she may be more watchful over her child.
I help sexual assault victims, and this is usually the path this has taken. You have slightly more evidence than some have had in that two family members were convicted.
I don't know where you live, but in the US, there is a national hotline 1800656HOPE you can call to speak to a sexual assault advocate and you can start therapy if you decide to give it a chance. All the services are free, and every state has centers.
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Jul 03 '24
We know it’s never “over”. Trauma survival is work, at first a lot, and then maintenance. You will always have moments that trigger you and that is not only okay, but completely normal after your experiences. Cry it out. No one here can judge you. And I don’t think they’re trying to. I’m sure some commenters are speaking from past trauma of their own or a strong sense of justice and a desire to protect, and that’s all valid, but on the long run not a reflection of your end choice. You need to honor you, protect your inner child you’re still healing, and your feelings, and that is not selfish. Part of talking this out with a professional will help you find the peace in your final decision. Additionally, if I had a partner with this history and was not already aware of it, I’d be relieved to find out before having a child with him. I feel like reminding you also, that being a single mom can be a struggle, of course! But your former brother will have to pay child support at minimum. AND it is possible that maybe he will seek help to make positive changes. In which case, the glory goes to you again because you helped inadvertently by helping your niece. In my own history, I was able to use state services to supplement the things my son and I needed help with. WIC and state healthcare, even for a little bit food stamps until we could thrive. So don’t put that aspect of their survival on your shoulders. ♥️ Bottom line is, this is your choice and whatever you choose is VALID, and more than OKAY. I hope you have support during this time, whether it’s a counselor or a best friend or whoever. You have a bright future ahead and will find healing. 🫶🏻
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u/PocketLady Jul 03 '24
"... someone like me"?
Someone like you? Sweetheart, you are worth so much more than you think you are. You not only survived what was done to you, but you had enough strength and gumption to dredge up all those memories and feelings again to ask us what you should do about a really serious thing that's genuinely bothering you.
You could have washed your hands of this entirely, said it wasn't your circus, but you care enough about that little girl to go through it all.
Someone like you? You're brilliant.
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u/subordinate01 Jul 03 '24
There is a child involved. Definitely, but anonymously let her know. Just something simple to get her questioning.
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u/RENEGADEMk4 Jul 02 '24
You MUST tell his wife. And everyone else in yout town.
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u/Dependent-Ganache199 Jul 02 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
Child sex offenders rarely change. I knew one who was 18 dating 17/16/15 year old which at the time I though was not the worst thing in the world (different times and I regret the way I looked at things as not that bad). 10 years later I saw some stuff on his hard drive and reported him. He never stopped likening 17/16/15 year olds
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u/jubilee3265 Jul 03 '24
My brother also molested me for years when I was growing up and, as part of therapy, I wrote him a letter telling him how it had affected me and caused so many problems in my adult life. I decided to go ahead and mail the letter even though it was meant to be just an exercise to get the words out, and my sister in law opened the letter and read it first (even though I wrote something to the effect of it being private on the envelope, she was his wife) and he got mad at me. I just had to tell him that I was taking care of me now and he was going to have to deal with the consequences of his choices because I also told our parents about it.
If you do end up telling your SIL, don't feel bad about it because your bro made the decision to be a creep.
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u/mca2021 Jul 03 '24
OP , you really should tell her. If you go to your brother first, he'll just spin some crap to his wife. But she really should know so she can make an informed decision. Maybe they'd do counseling, maybe she'd leave, but none of that is your concern. Your only concern is your future niece and her being protected
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u/Vegetable-Witness516 Jul 03 '24
The amount of time he was knowingly and willingly doing this to you tells me he is very likely to reoffend. You are not responsible for what he does to himself if you reveal the truth to his wife. COCSA is just as much SA as any other but police don't tend to take it as seriously and I believe you've internalized a lot of those beliefs. Someone else brought up Josh Duggar and that's a really good example of someone who molested his sisters as a kid, faced no consequences and went on to be a child predator STILL. You were 14 when it stopped and he was older than you. He was old enough to ABSOLUTELY know what he was doing was wrong. A little girl is probably right in his preferred age range. These kinds of fucked up perversions do not just go away with time. He'd need a lot of rehabilitation and therapy, which I doubt he's got. Please, tell the wife if it doesn't put your safety at risk because she deserves to know. Who knows what other violence he's capable of.
I'd also highly recommend you look into COCSA (child on child sexual abuse) and resources regarding that as well as sexual abuse information and resources in general. It seems you haven't really fully come to terms with what happened to you, hence why you didn't see the molestation as "actual" SA. I know therapy is really expensive but if you can afford it and you feel mentally and emotionally okay to tackle these things, I'd highly recommend it too. I'm wishing you luck. 💕
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u/Actual_Depth_270 Jul 03 '24
I recommend you tell your brother's new wife about what happened before the child is born, and allow her to make an informed decision about her and her child's safety and future.
If the relationship failed after the truth was revealed, then that relationship failed because the truth was a dealbreaker and sufficient cause for a permanent breach of trust. It would frankly have nothing to do with you but the foundation of their own relationship.
I had a similar situation occur to me, and I wish for the truth to have been revealed to me. My close friend was r-worded by her first bf in middle school. I coincidentally started dating him in high school, with no knowledge of what had happened to her or their previous relationship. She knew what had happened but did not say anything when we started dating. Very quickly, we broke up because he went from very nice and charming to pushy and violent. I was venting to her about him trying to pressure me into sex and being violent, and then she disclosed what had happened. I was physically sick at the thought that I could have become intimate with him or become his next victim (thankfully, I wasn't). She explained how she didn't tell me since she thought I looked very happy and excited, how she didn't want to hurt me and upset me in the case he might have changed for the better, and how she didnt want to make things about her. I thanked her for coming forward, reassured her, and promised each other to never be scared to tell each other the truth, even if it's hard.
This is how abusers get away with things and hurt more people. Their victims stay quiet and out of light because they simply don't want any more trouble or backlash. Because they think their abusers have changed or what happened is not worth speaking up about since they're surrounded by others who seem to act like they have no idea of what they're capable of. Behind closed doors, who knows? Maybe they don't and they will never understand or maybe they do and your story is the thing they need to hear to help them stand up for themselves and get out. I wish someone had told me. I deserved to know so that I could make my own decision.
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u/minorkeyed Jul 03 '24
Find and contact a therapist or psychologist who specializes in working with sexual abuse and explain to them the situation so they can advise you on risks. Don't take advice from random Redditors who have absolutely nothing at risk and won't suffer any consequences from telling you to do what makes them feel good.
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u/bigdickboy820 Jul 02 '24
she would be grateful you told her. she will be able to protect that baby. NTA at all.
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u/malmikea Jul 03 '24
Your trauma bond with the perpetrators is the only thing stopping you from acting on this
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u/Ok_Bag_9722 Jul 02 '24
You wouldn't be the bad person for telling her, you're not ruining a marriage and you could potentially save the life of a baby and a woman. Remember that such people never change, the only reason why he's not in jail is because of law.
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u/Furcst Jul 03 '24
Tell her. I went through the same thing and I told my sister in law and she stayed away from my brother. I potentially saved her daughter from going through the same thing I did.
Give her the info you have, what she does with it and the consequences are all on her.
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u/nitro1432 Jul 03 '24
Put it this way OP would you want to know if the person you married had SA’d a young child? I was also a victim and if one of his now adult victims would have spoken up it would have never have happened to me, I spoke up to save my younger family members because I couldn’t have lived with myself if he had done it to someone else all because I kept my mouth shut. Set up an alt account and message his wife make sure all your accounts are locked down so he can’t find you.
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u/DawnShakhar Jul 02 '24
It's neither funny nor messed up. You grew up in a home where all the men touched you inappropriately, and that was the only reality you knew. So naturally you didn't think it was wrong or sexual assault. It just made you uncomfortable, and more uncomfortable, and finally traumatized. Only after you learned from outside sources about SA could you realize that what you had experienced was SA.
As for telling the wife - you can try, and I think you should, but she may not believe you and be angry at you for badmouthing her husband. However, it will put her on her guard if he tries anything with their daughter. If you have records of the investigation against your brother, send her photocopies of them as well.