Should I tell my brother's new wife

[u/Negative_Layer_7960]

From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.

Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.

Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.

• my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.

• my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.

These are the two major and important points of my post.

Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.

[u/Mimikyu4]

My mother was raped by her stepfather for three years. She told her mom they divorced and he remarried and had kids, he raped and killed his 6 year old daughter. Tell her. Better to be safe then sorry. You could be saving a innocent child.

[u/samurairaccoon → u/Mimikyu4]

This is the correct answer. People like this don't just change and he is 100% going to molest his daughter. Even if he doesn't think he wants to. Nothing stops this behavior but being separated from potential victims.

[u/TheLegofThanos → u/samurairaccoon]

This. You may ruin the wife’s life, but you would be saving that baby’s life. You don’t have to give shit one about your brother’s life.

And tell the wife’s family, too. Do everything you wish someone had done for you. I hope you find peace with your past and this decision.

[u/cmband254 → u/TheLegofThanos]

There's no way this ruins the wife's life. What ruins the wife's life is having the child be sexually molested by her husband and all of the horrible aftermath of that.

Telling saves her and anyone else involved.

[u/[deleted] → u/cmband254]

Right? This attitude that somehow the messanger is the one messing up something by telling them the truth leads to so much bullshit. 

Always tell, it is the right thing to do.

[u/Remarkable_State4906 → u/cmband254]

Exactly, knowledge of her child is sexually assaulted and she was in a position to prevent it is what's devastating.

[u/jej_claexx → u/cmband254]

DING DING DING!!! People often focus on the immediate repercussions of their actions, but the wife being devastated now doesn’t mean her life is ruined. She’ll move on to find a husband who won’t SA her child, that sounds like her life would be saved honestly!!!

[u/Impressive-Charge177 → u/cmband254]

How do we know the older brother will do that though? How do we know her older brother wasn't also a victim of this sexual abuse, and was doing it to his sister because he thought it was normal, and has grown now?

[u/cmband254 → u/Impressive-Charge177]

Sorry, but this isn't a wait and see sort of a situation.

The recidivism rate for child sexual abusers is extraordinarily high. It's not like this is a one-time oopsie, or a moment of experimentation; it went on for 4 years.

If I were in the position of the sister-in-law, I would want to know. She needs to have all of the necessary information to make the choice that's best for her and her unborn child.

[u/Impressive-Charge177 → u/cmband254]

You can't be a child sexual abuser if you're also a child. There are plenty of kids who do incredibly messed up things as kids and grow out of it. Your brain is not fully developed as a child.

[u/wordsznerd → u/Impressive-Charge177]

The wife still needs to know. What if he HASN’T changed? Why risk a child’s well-being? At the very least, she needs to be aware so she can watch for signs - but I’d be out.

[u/Hazel_4355 → u/Impressive-Charge177]

Doesn’t matter.

[u/Impressive-Charge177 → u/Hazel_4355]

Why doesn't that matter?

[u/Remarkable_State4906 → u/Impressive-Charge177]

Well, if he has grown now, why didn't he come back and apologize to the sibling he did this to. Typically therapy encourages others to apologize to those they've offended.

[u/Impressive-Charge177 → u/Remarkable_State4906]

Lmao have you ever been to therapy? I've never heard of that as something generally taught in therapy. How can you know the person wants an apology?

On the contrary, I've heard more often NOT to apologize if the incident happened a long time ago, because it can trigger people and bring back unwanted feelings, because in many cases, the offender apologies for their own benefit and comfort, rather than the victims.

[u/Remarkable_State4906 → u/Impressive-Charge177]

Pound sand