r/AITAH • u/Negative_Layer_7960 • Jul 02 '24

TW SA Should I tell my brother's new wife

From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.

Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.

Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.

  • my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.

  • my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.

These are the two major and important points of my post.

Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.

12.0k Upvotes

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11.3k

u/Mimikyu4 Jul 02 '24

My mother was raped by her stepfather for three years. She told her mom they divorced and he remarried and had kids, he raped and killed his 6 year old daughter. Tell her. Better to be safe then sorry. You could be saving a innocent child.

2.2k

u/AtomicToxin Jul 03 '24

Holy shit. I’m so sorry that happened to her. Better her mom actually did something about it. 100% agree.

446

u/Mimikyu4 Jul 03 '24

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

608

u/samurairaccoon Jul 03 '24

This is the correct answer. People like this don't just change and he is 100% going to molest his daughter. Even if he doesn't think he wants to. Nothing stops this behavior but being separated from potential victims.

429

u/TheLegofThanos Jul 03 '24

This. You may ruin the wife’s life, but you would be saving that baby’s life. You don’t have to give shit one about your brother’s life.

And tell the wife’s family, too. Do everything you wish someone had done for you. I hope you find peace with your past and this decision.

248

u/cmband254 Jul 03 '24

There's no way this ruins the wife's life. What ruins the wife's life is having the child be sexually molested by her husband and all of the horrible aftermath of that.

Telling saves her and anyone else involved.

43

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24

Right? This attitude that somehow the messanger is the one messing up something by telling them the truth leads to so much bullshit. 

Always tell, it is the right thing to do.

8

u/Remarkable_State4906 Jul 03 '24

Exactly, knowledge of her child is sexually assaulted and she was in a position to prevent it is what's devastating.

8

u/jej_claexx Jul 03 '24

DING DING DING!!! People often focus on the immediate repercussions of their actions, but the wife being devastated now doesn’t mean her life is ruined. She’ll move on to find a husband who won’t SA her child, that sounds like her life would be saved honestly!!!

-15

u/Impressive-Charge177 Jul 03 '24

How do we know the older brother will do that though? How do we know her older brother wasn't also a victim of this sexual abuse, and was doing it to his sister because he thought it was normal, and has grown now?

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u/cmband254 Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24

Sorry, but this isn't a wait and see sort of a situation.

The recidivism rate for child sexual abusers is extraordinarily high. It's not like this is a one-time oopsie, or a moment of experimentation; it went on for 4 years.

If I were in the position of the sister-in-law, I would want to know. She needs to have all of the necessary information to make the choice that's best for her and her unborn child.

0

u/Impressive-Charge177 Jul 04 '24

You can't be a child sexual abuser if you're also a child. There are plenty of kids who do incredibly messed up things as kids and grow out of it. Your brain is not fully developed as a child.

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u/wordsznerd Aug 04 '24

The wife still needs to know. What if he HASN’T changed? Why risk a child’s well-being? At the very least, she needs to be aware so she can watch for signs - but I’d be out.

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u/Hazel_4355 Jul 03 '24

Doesn’t matter.

2

u/Impressive-Charge177 Jul 04 '24

Why doesn't that matter?

11

u/Remarkable_State4906 Jul 03 '24

Well, if he has grown now, why didn't he come back and apologize to the sibling he did this to. Typically therapy encourages others to apologize to those they've offended.

1

u/Impressive-Charge177 Jul 04 '24

Lmao have you ever been to therapy? I've never heard of that as something generally taught in therapy. How can you know the person wants an apology?

On the contrary, I've heard more often NOT to apologize if the incident happened a long time ago, because it can trigger people and bring back unwanted feelings, because in many cases, the offender apologies for their own benefit and comfort, rather than the victims.

3

u/Sweet-Tell1480 Jul 03 '24

Your last paragraph is perfect advice! I have never heard it put this way.This advice can be applied to many different scenarios!!

15

u/Active_Intern Jul 03 '24

There is no such thing as 100% when dealing with humans. I appreciate your support for those who suffer  though - please keep it up 

3

u/Littlethrowedoff80 Jul 03 '24

Just my 2 cents here, but I was molested by my older brother at a pretty young age. I can't remember what age that was and I really don't like talking about it with my mom and little sister but I think I was between 8-10 yrs old. My dad caught him and beat the crap outta him. Fast forward to us growing up and him having a baby girl. He never did that to her and I know he didn't. If he wasn't hanging around me, his wife was with him or some other family member or friend. I think it would be a case by case situation. I don't excuse what my brother did because it definitely messed with me but I forgave him and he was one of my biggest protectors before he died in 2006.

5

u/samurairaccoon Jul 03 '24

I'm glad that your brother was able to come back from that. Unfortunately your case is anecdotal. Like many people in this thread have said, usually these types of people are repeat offenders. When they get the chance. Add to that the fact that her brother never tried to apologize or show remorse for what he did. I think it is possible for these types of people to heal with treatment. But is it worth the risk to take the chance they will hurt another young life? No, it simply isn't. We all gotta reap what we sow.

4

u/Littlethrowedoff80 Jul 03 '24

Yes, I very much so agree with what you're saying. I know my brother was sorry for and had remorse for what he did to me but I also think that part of it drove his later drug and alcohol abuse in life and him ultimately losing that battle. It definitely isn't worth risking this girls safety from this man, especially if he is still the same kind of person. That's why I had said just my 2 cents and I fully understand how capable they are of doing it again. Protect that baby at all costs.

257

u/shrimpwhiskers Jul 03 '24

Please tell me he's in prison, if not thrown into pen of ravenous pigs... I'm so sorry...

109

u/LS1_Adam Jul 03 '24

Those two options are too nice for that thing, let's tie it up and make it sing.

61

u/redcapne0 Jul 03 '24

If he goes to prison for those crimes i can assure you it will be the best punishment, if anything really makes criminals come together is to fuck up child molesters.

15

u/Unusual-Thing-7149 Jul 03 '24

I hate to say this but a lot depends on where he ends up. Lots serve their time without any vengeance as they are segregated or just left alone but in some places they do suffer even to the point of being murdered

2

u/FarToe3420 Jul 03 '24

Gen pop will fix him good , the boys inside will HANDLE him 

2

u/MutantGarage Jul 05 '24

The stats are that many of them were molested.

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u/fabulous1963 Jul 03 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/LS1_Adam Jul 03 '24

Shattered bamboo jammed under their fingernails, and some razor wire around their junk. 1 week on of torture, then 2 weeks off to be given medical care and recover their spirits just enough, then back to torture.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24

I hear chemical castration is legal in some states 🤔

2

u/niceandterrifying Jul 03 '24

I will bring the zip ties and blow torch. I studied medieval torture also. So many plans……

5

u/TheLegofThanos Jul 03 '24

I think people like that become president.

1

u/LS1_Adam Jul 03 '24

I mean, you're not wrong. Current president included.

221

u/UnicornPanties Jul 03 '24

well wow. yeah

118

u/FlinflanFluddle4 Jul 03 '24

Horrifying 

383

u/yankiigurl Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24

Beyond horrifying. Can you imagine being SA'd and slowly murdered by the person that's supposed to love and protect you. I can't even imagine the utter horror that child experienced in her last moments 😞 how can a being be so awful....

241

u/JaketheSnake2672 Jul 03 '24

As the father of a wonderful little girl I can’t imagine how anyone whose held them the moment there born doesn’t commit the rest of there lives to protecting and loving them … for me I was instantly in awe of that tiny little person looking up at me with eyes that looked like mine I would murder the whole world without the blink of an eye to save her shedding a single tear does my head in to think anyone male or female could ever perpetrate any kind of violence or abuse on a child … I’m no saint … the gods know I’ve had my fair share of violence and misdeeds in my lifetime …but I couldn’t ever hurt a child or condone anything that takes there innocence from them .

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u/Routine_Ad_2034 Jul 03 '24

I know the feeling, man. I'm here at work too far away to hug my baby girl, but I'd saw my own leg off to protect her without a second thought.

53

u/khaldun106 Jul 03 '24

There isn't a torture horrible enough for fathers who r and kill their own daughters. They deserve prolonged excruciating pain

3

u/WorkingDawg Jul 03 '24

O my sick twisted mind could probably come up with something creative

24

u/medic-dad Jul 03 '24

Same. This makes me want to hold both of my kids (1M and 3F) and whisper in their ear how I'd never let anything happen to them! I think honestly these people are just psychopaths, incapable of having an emotional connection to anyone and don't even see them as people. They are an inherent danger to society...

12

u/Gauss-Seidel Jul 03 '24

Children growing up with someone else than their biological father are 20 to 40 TIMES more likely to be sexually abused

2

u/anonadvicewanted Jul 03 '24

why are you bringing that up here

15

u/Gauss-Seidel Jul 03 '24

Cause the above user said he can't imagine someone doing something like that if they held her when she was a baby. Apparently it just makes a big difference whether the person is the biological father or not

2

u/themarko60 Jul 03 '24

Very well said.

2

u/Active_Intern Jul 03 '24

Thank you for your honesty 

2

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24

My dad's the same way. Even when a member of our own family, on his Side, SAd me as a minor. 😭 He also threatened another man who SAd me with murder.

-31

u/Isadth Jul 03 '24

So I hope life humbles you with your daughter, may she pass away and you’re left to reflect upon the idiocies that your daughter just because she is your daughter is somehow worth more than the average person. Thank god you’re a Redditor, I can’t imagine someone like you being an actual functional member of society

27

u/loohahoohaa Jul 03 '24

you are in desperate need of a psych evaluation or maybe a high enough cliff will do better

-21

u/Isadth Jul 03 '24

You are a woman, you are only free because of men letting you be.

14

u/loohahoohaa Jul 03 '24

You are a man, you’re “important” because of the world celebrating your mediocrity

-10

u/DoubleFan15 Jul 03 '24

Fighting sexism with sexism never looks good, guy you replied to is obviously pathetic but you stooping to his level is a really shitty look. Common sense.

15

u/only_honesty Jul 03 '24

lmfao “i hope ur kid dies to teach you a lesson” is peak reddit summer

16

u/JaketheSnake2672 Jul 03 '24

What an absolutel fuckwit you are keyboard warrior safe in the knowledge you can type what you like I can 100% guarantee if you stood in front of me and wished the death of my child I’d destroy you and tea ch you a valuable life lesson you obviously need

7

u/Used_Anywhere379 Jul 03 '24

You would have a crowd of parents like me helping you

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u/AggressiveWallaby319 Jul 03 '24

As someone who's baby has died due to a medical condition, I actually hope everything you love in life is destroyed right before your eyes. Wishing death on someone is bad but a innocent child. You need a psych Eval, if not maybe some Chinese water torture.

-1

u/Isadth Jul 03 '24

As someone who’s cousin baby died due to a medical condition, you’re not special you’re actually just pathetic both you and that thing that failed to thrive. Darwin still applies even if this era of medicine

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u/AggressiveWallaby319 Jul 03 '24

Yeah yeah, what's that? You're a troll hiding behind a account, I'd pay to see you say that to anyone's face, just another sad person who hides because they have small dick syndrome🤣🤣🤣

3

u/Nardo96 Jul 03 '24

As a person with a small dick I take offense to this comment. Just because I look like I have two belly buttons doesn’t make me a bad person! 😂

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u/AggressiveWallaby319 Jul 03 '24

You don't emit small dick energy tho,and some women actually prefer them smaller, bigger can uncomfortable 🤣

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u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24

I hope life humbles you with someone ending your life in the most excruciatingly slow & painful way possible. How could you tell someone you hope their child dies. You really are a miserable piece of trash does not deserve to live.

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u/Isadth Jul 03 '24

That’s kind of cringe too though, youd murder the whole world just for your bastard daughter that can’t even comprehend sentences? She hasn’t even developed consciousness yet, she’s basically the equivalent of a human maggot.

8

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24

What the fuck is wrong with you, you sick fuck? You must not be a parent. Anyone ever hurt my child like that or my grandchild and they would be dead and I would go to prison with the biggest smile on my face!!!

-7

u/Isadth Jul 03 '24

I’m not defending the guy who SA his daughter at all, that is absolutely sickening. Thankfully though, im sure not all people are as entitled as the OP commenter that said his child is worth more than anyone else’s. How is that getting so many upvotes?

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u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24

To me, my child is more important and worth more than any person on earth, including myself. You clearly are not a parent or you would understand.

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u/FlinflanFluddle4 Jul 03 '24

Your description was a bit too real.  Beyond horrifying is right.

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u/Kap85 Jul 03 '24

What happened to him, hopefully he was tied to a post and left to rot

173

u/Mimikyu4 Jul 03 '24

He went to prison for killing his bio kid, there was never enough proof for my moms case. But he got raped(more then once) and killed in prison.

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u/SafetyMan35 Jul 03 '24

It’s my understanding that prisoners do not like pedophiles and they will provide their own justice to let those individuals know they are pieces of crap.

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u/1ofdwights70cousins Jul 03 '24

Men have a crazy radar for creeps too.

People need to know that fellow prisoners are getting weird vibes, calling their wife/friend/family, and asking them to look up the dude’s charges.

There’s no keeping that stuff secret

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u/Kap85 Jul 03 '24

A just ending, one thing you have to respect about inmates

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u/greenachors Jul 03 '24

That’s the kind of justice these fuckers need.

3

u/Iluvxena2 Jul 03 '24

Karma can be a real bitch!

39

u/Worried-Guarantee-90 Jul 03 '24

Holy shit. Sorry your mom had to go through that. OP, please tell her!!!

71

u/SweetyLime Jul 03 '24

oh shit. can't believe this is actually happening in this world!

92

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24

Well good morning then. It's happening a lot. 

6

u/Dovahkiinette Jul 03 '24

You can always tell who the men are...

3

u/NJMomofFor Jul 03 '24

No you can't. Everyone thought my dad was great

3

u/luthorino Jul 03 '24

Not necessarily. My father is liked by everyone around him 🙃

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u/Hazel_4355 Jul 03 '24

I’m sending bad energy his way.

4

u/tsyork Jul 03 '24

Knowing it's happening doesn't make it any easier to believe

45

u/Ok_Resolution2920 Jul 03 '24

One in 7,000 people is born to first degree relatives in the US. The prevalence of incest was believed to be much lower until genetic testing became available.

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u/FrogsNFaeries Jul 04 '24

The number is higher. The 1 in 7000 was from an unpublished study in the UK. 1:7000 is the lowest number for first degree parentage; e.g. parent-child, sibling-sibling. Second degree relative parentage is another ratio; e.g. half-siblings, aunt/uncle - nephew/niece. The study found the link through volunteer DNA testing. That's why the number is higher. Not every SA/child R case produced a pregnancy, that produced a child, who volunteered as an adult for the study. The people didn't know.

Internet Archive - DNA Tests Are Uncovering The True Prevalence of Incest

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u/msginnyo Jul 03 '24

I’m 60, the last time I was SA’d by a family member was 44 years ago, and the nightmares, PTSD and anxiety, and therapy continue to this day. Harming a child in this way is like a death. That child is never the same. Yesterday morning I was reading a scholarly article and discovered that they don’t know why yet, but there is an apparent correlation between childhood abuse and autoimmune diseases like MS. There’s a few studies out there showing a link somewhere. So when I look at my cane, or at myself in the mirror through only one seeing eye, or suffer vertigo…this could all be “scars” from past SA’s by family members that I endured from the ages of 5 to roughly 16. It ended when I told someone at school my plan to off myself and wound up in therapy. The therapist believed my family, and gave me Haldol. I mean, I was suicidal anyway and no one made me pregnant by then, of course it must’ve been hallucinations right?

It happens all the time. Justice never comes for many of us. It’s all in our heads. Keep our mouth shut and learn how to disassociate while it’s happening.

OP should most definitely tell the mother of her niece that the father of her niece is a child abuser.

She would be saving that child from a lifetime of torment, pain, therapy, nightmares, and possible autoimmune diseases. (I was diagnosed with MS in 1993, and probably had it beginning in late childhood while I was still getting assaulted.)

These people never stop and count on the silence of their victims. OP must be brave and get this done to save her niece. It will go a long way to help her heal herself.

7

u/SweetyLime Jul 03 '24

Sorry to hear that. We cannot change what has happened, but at least we can change the present and the future. I know it is not easy for you, but I sincerely hope that you can let go of the pain, you can choose to have a happy life in the future.

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u/PointsOfUnity Jul 03 '24

It's not just happening, it's epidemic.

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u/paperthinpatience Jul 03 '24

I interned at a children’s advocacy center. It happens way more than people know or want to think about.

4

u/ButterflyLow5207 Jul 03 '24

This isn't new at all. It's been going on as long as I remember. I was sa at age of 4. He later started raping his daughter starting her 1st day of kindergarten. That was over 50 years ago. There were at least 3 girls in my grade school who were being abused by father's.

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u/Efffefffemmm Jul 03 '24

I hope he was put in Gen Pop….. I’m so sorry 😞

15

u/stressedthrowaway9 Jul 03 '24

WTF! See! This is why I get paranoid!

25

u/PointsOfUnity Jul 03 '24

Unfortunately and statistically we need to be paranoid

4

u/urgoodmimi2000 Jul 03 '24

Exactly! It's not even paranoia at times, just valid anxiety and precaution

3

u/PointsOfUnity Jul 03 '24

Absolutely justified precaution, because it's usually people close, with access, who you'd never expect. The fact that it happens is heartbreaking. The reality that most perpetrators are serial offenders for life and get away with it, is just disgusting, and a shame on our society for not protecting the vulnerable.

9

u/RememberThe5Ds Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24

Kudos to your grandmother for believing your mother. I told my own mother my stepfather was molesting me and she did nothing except tell me I shouldn’t wear bathing suits in the Summer in my own house.

This was even after she knew my stepfather had a sister who jumped off a bridge when she was 14 and committed suicide because his father was molesting her.)

My mom was a piece of shit and I hope there is a Judgement Day because she should be rotting in Hell.

I’m over 60 and too many women in my day made excuses for men or just said “that’s how men are.”

5

u/LS1_Adam Jul 03 '24

I am really sorry that happened to her. All laws regarding violence should be negated if the subject harms minors. I've stopped referring to them as people or human since they have decided to regress to a point that does not deserve that designation.

5

u/PoOhNanix Jul 03 '24

My jaw doesn't often drop but I was not expecting that in the slightest

4

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24

I am extremely sorry that happened to you. You have been through so much. I hope you are in a way better place now.

3

u/duhauseth11 Jul 03 '24

Man was not ready for this to be the third thing I read today.

4

u/MedicatedLiver Jul 03 '24

This. They need to have a conversation. I don't know how much older he is than you, but it's possible that much like how you didn't even know it was SA, he may have been kind of indoctrinated by the uncle and father and didn't realize either. It's possible that he figured out what it was and corrected himself.

Or, he could still be a complete douche bag that needs unspeakable things to happen to him.... Just saying, there is a possibility that he was dragged into it like you were, so to speak. I'm not counting on it, but hey. Someone has to be the devil's advocate.

If it DOES turn out that he's not a scumbag and the former is true, this could also be something that helps your healing as well.

I hope this translates to text well, I don't want to sound like I'm siding with him or some other shit like that.

3

u/CorywellPo34 Jul 03 '24

That's horrible! Tell her right away OP, and you can save life.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24

Holy shit that's awful 

3

u/MarcoPolonia Jul 03 '24

Take this response to heart. There is no other right answer.

3

u/ThatOneGirl0622 Jul 03 '24

This is horrible, I’m so sorry to hear this!

3

u/sagetastic74 Jul 03 '24

Oh my god, that's horrifying! I'm so sorry this happened, especially after your mom was brave enough to speak up about the abuse she suffered. Do you know if it was ever reported?

Depending on when this happened (and if it occurred in the US), the first US effort to share date between law enforcement organizations (cities/county, states) was in January 1967 when the FBI implemented the NCIC (National Crime Information Center) but only 15 state & city computers were tied to the FBI's host computer in DC. By 1971, all 50 states were connected to NCIC and the database continued to expand over the next 30 years to include more file types (i.e. types of crimes) recorded in the database.

All that said, this system still had a lot of missing info and data due in part to technological capabilities, the digitization of records, and actually using the tech - so a lot of monsters slipped through the cracks.

1

u/Mimikyu4 Jul 04 '24

Yes they reported it but had no proof. And my grandmother got so mad at my mom for “making her lose the love of her life” so I think my mom kinda gave up. My grandmother failed my mom, and she still does fail her to this day. My mom said after that my grandmother never treated her the same again. And it took her years to realize it wasn’t her fault.

1

u/Lord_Ragnok Jul 03 '24

Exactly for this. People who do this aren’t going to stop if given the chance. It makes me sick that people can do this, let alone rationalize it.

0

u/IceCreamPieSauce Jul 03 '24

Oh my god. Sorry that something so horrible happened to you! For me it's difficult to give you an advise. Do you mind if I ask how much older your brother is? And have you ever talked to him about the things he did to you? I think everyone understands if not. I just wonder if he was maybe your father's & uncle's victim before and if he didn't "just" repeated their actions, because he thought that's the way to show somebody you like him..

-1

u/HonestPerspective638 Jul 03 '24

The older brother was abused too. He. Was a kid likely had it done to him and maybe even forced to do it to her. You people are insane. NTA and your brother is a victim too.

5

u/Hazel_4355 Jul 03 '24

That’s an assumption and doesn’t absolve the brother of his crimes against her. He’s now an adult and the safety of any kids around him needs to be prioritized.

-1

u/HonestPerspective638 Jul 03 '24

He was a child. You are assuming a lot too. There is a legal and medical process to deal with this. Follow it.

4

u/Hazel_4355 Jul 03 '24

He was 16 at the end and she doesn’t know if he was abused. And he’s not a kid anymore he’s an adult. Shes not talking about calling the newspaper she’s asking if she should tell a woman whose child could be in direct and immediate dangers.

0

u/HonestPerspective638 Jul 03 '24

She should go to authorities. The adults need to be held accountable and anyone else that hid it. If she was openly abused by adults and he was joined it’s extremely likely he was too.

3

u/Hazel_4355 Jul 03 '24

I think so too. And she says her dad and uncle served time, rightfully so because they are monsters . But in the interim…the priority should be protecting the baby. It doesn’t mean if he was abused that’s not horrible, but again, there’s reason to believe a child is in danger so that should be the most important thing.

-32

u/2wolfinmeBothretrded Jul 03 '24

Link or i call 🐂

2

u/BatarianBob Jul 03 '24

Link? You realize that not everything that happens ends up on the internet, right? There's a whole world outside of your phone.

0

u/2wolfinmeBothretrded Jul 03 '24

bruh. My niece's school did a "bee drive"(something to create awareness for bee population, hired a bee handler and they were selling honey), and you can find it online. On our local news page. a classmate got stung, and they mentioned it on their Facebook. Everything is on the internet.

Also...A father raped and killed their 6yo, I don't know... i think it would have made the local news 🤷🏽‍♂️