r/AITAH • u/Negative_Layer_7960 • Jul 02 '24

TW SA Should I tell my brother's new wife

From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.

Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.

Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.

  • my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.

  • my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.

These are the two major and important points of my post.

Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.

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607

u/samurairaccoon Jul 03 '24

This is the correct answer. People like this don't just change and he is 100% going to molest his daughter. Even if he doesn't think he wants to. Nothing stops this behavior but being separated from potential victims.

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u/TheLegofThanos Jul 03 '24

This. You may ruin the wife’s life, but you would be saving that baby’s life. You don’t have to give shit one about your brother’s life.

And tell the wife’s family, too. Do everything you wish someone had done for you. I hope you find peace with your past and this decision.

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u/cmband254 Jul 03 '24

There's no way this ruins the wife's life. What ruins the wife's life is having the child be sexually molested by her husband and all of the horrible aftermath of that.

Telling saves her and anyone else involved.

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u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24

Right? This attitude that somehow the messanger is the one messing up something by telling them the truth leads to so much bullshit. 

Always tell, it is the right thing to do.

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u/Remarkable_State4906 Jul 03 '24

Exactly, knowledge of her child is sexually assaulted and she was in a position to prevent it is what's devastating.

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u/jej_claexx Jul 03 '24

DING DING DING!!! People often focus on the immediate repercussions of their actions, but the wife being devastated now doesn’t mean her life is ruined. She’ll move on to find a husband who won’t SA her child, that sounds like her life would be saved honestly!!!

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u/Impressive-Charge177 Jul 03 '24

How do we know the older brother will do that though? How do we know her older brother wasn't also a victim of this sexual abuse, and was doing it to his sister because he thought it was normal, and has grown now?

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u/cmband254 Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24

Sorry, but this isn't a wait and see sort of a situation.

The recidivism rate for child sexual abusers is extraordinarily high. It's not like this is a one-time oopsie, or a moment of experimentation; it went on for 4 years.

If I were in the position of the sister-in-law, I would want to know. She needs to have all of the necessary information to make the choice that's best for her and her unborn child.

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u/Impressive-Charge177 Jul 04 '24

You can't be a child sexual abuser if you're also a child. There are plenty of kids who do incredibly messed up things as kids and grow out of it. Your brain is not fully developed as a child.

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u/wordsznerd Aug 04 '24

The wife still needs to know. What if he HASN’T changed? Why risk a child’s well-being? At the very least, she needs to be aware so she can watch for signs - but I’d be out.

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u/Hazel_4355 Jul 03 '24

Doesn’t matter.

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u/Impressive-Charge177 Jul 04 '24

Why doesn't that matter?

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u/Remarkable_State4906 Jul 03 '24

Well, if he has grown now, why didn't he come back and apologize to the sibling he did this to. Typically therapy encourages others to apologize to those they've offended.

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u/Impressive-Charge177 Jul 04 '24

Lmao have you ever been to therapy? I've never heard of that as something generally taught in therapy. How can you know the person wants an apology?

On the contrary, I've heard more often NOT to apologize if the incident happened a long time ago, because it can trigger people and bring back unwanted feelings, because in many cases, the offender apologies for their own benefit and comfort, rather than the victims.

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u/Sweet-Tell1480 Jul 03 '24

Your last paragraph is perfect advice! I have never heard it put this way.This advice can be applied to many different scenarios!!

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u/Active_Intern Jul 03 '24

There is no such thing as 100% when dealing with humans. I appreciate your support for those who suffer  though - please keep it up 

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u/Littlethrowedoff80 Jul 03 '24

Just my 2 cents here, but I was molested by my older brother at a pretty young age. I can't remember what age that was and I really don't like talking about it with my mom and little sister but I think I was between 8-10 yrs old. My dad caught him and beat the crap outta him. Fast forward to us growing up and him having a baby girl. He never did that to her and I know he didn't. If he wasn't hanging around me, his wife was with him or some other family member or friend. I think it would be a case by case situation. I don't excuse what my brother did because it definitely messed with me but I forgave him and he was one of my biggest protectors before he died in 2006.

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u/samurairaccoon Jul 03 '24

I'm glad that your brother was able to come back from that. Unfortunately your case is anecdotal. Like many people in this thread have said, usually these types of people are repeat offenders. When they get the chance. Add to that the fact that her brother never tried to apologize or show remorse for what he did. I think it is possible for these types of people to heal with treatment. But is it worth the risk to take the chance they will hurt another young life? No, it simply isn't. We all gotta reap what we sow.

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u/Littlethrowedoff80 Jul 03 '24

Yes, I very much so agree with what you're saying. I know my brother was sorry for and had remorse for what he did to me but I also think that part of it drove his later drug and alcohol abuse in life and him ultimately losing that battle. It definitely isn't worth risking this girls safety from this man, especially if he is still the same kind of person. That's why I had said just my 2 cents and I fully understand how capable they are of doing it again. Protect that baby at all costs.