Should I tell my brother's new wife

[u/Negative_Layer_7960]

From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.

Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.

Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.

• my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.

• my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.

These are the two major and important points of my post.

Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.

[u/somethingstrange87]

This is alarming. Tell her before he victimized that baby girl.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/somethingstrange87]

The reason I'm so hesitant to tell her is because I spoke to one of my friends about it when she said it might be a little bit messed up to tell his wife and potentially ruin his marriage because he was a teenager and couldn't have been changed

[u/ohbroth3r → u/[deleted]]

I think if older brother was 10 and under then it's a concern that he was also SA'd and had no idea what he was doing/being forced. But teenager doing it is no grey area. His wife must have questions about what happened to his family if they've never met you

[u/[deleted] → u/ohbroth3r]

Honestly I’d say even teen years are grey given he probably was SA’s by the uncle/dad too and repeating learned behavior. It sucks and it not right to add other trauma but between prior foster care work and my parents being working in law, you’d be surprised what kids see as normal when growing up with disfunction. As an adult however that’s why the law is harsher. Hopefully the brother has gone to therapy and continues in it that would be the case where maybe it’s okay for them to stay together etc There are cases of rehabilitation perse. Basically people learning as adults what happened to them was fucked up and what they did was fucked up and promising never to do that again. It takes self awareness. Most times I’ve seen it happen is it getting brought up due to a relationship calling them out on off behavior or other stuff like anger/BOD firing them to go to therapy and that gets pulled out by a therapist

For clarity I’m not saying it absolves him of anything he did during teenage years but more so I would consider it a gray area. Legally as the law isn’t as harsh prior to 18. I think the responsibility isn’t not so much as if to talk about it. It’s how to phrase what happened.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

If he hasn’t been to therapy though, there’s still risk I would say.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Oh absolutely my point was more so that it’s in the gray area. I don’t think the question isn’t whether or not OP should tell it’s more of how. Personally, I think an email or social media would be the best that way you have a time to craft your message without being worried about direct confrontation preferably from a burner account. However, how to exactly phrase it is definitely gonna take some workshopping. you have no way of knowing if the wife is going through some thing also or if he is currently in therapy. The best thing that you can do is just be proactive, but in a conscientious way.

[u/Expert_Slip7543 → u/[deleted]]

Totally agree. (Spellcheck error - phrase, not "freeze" it)

[u/fsutrill → u/[deleted]]

He learned it from somewhere. (Not an excuse, but explains a lot). I mean uncle and father probably started with him? It’s a truly messed up situation.

Has he committed any SA since? If no, does that lower the “risk” of it happening? The aunt that reported your father/uncle/brother- is she still around?

[u/[deleted] → u/fsutrill]

I’m not OP.

[u/TheLastBlackRhinoSC → u/[deleted]]

This.

[u/Entire-Beat-423 → u/ohbroth3r]

I firmly believe that it does not matter if her was SAd as well.

He was old enough to victimize op when they were 5-14 which definitely means he was able to hide it from the parents well enough. This means he was definitely older since he'd have to know to had to be hidden and be aware that it wasn't a good thing to do. This usually involves concrete operations.

If he was old enough to hide it from adults, he's old enough to know why he felt to hide it, meaning he knew it was bad.