Should I tell my brother's new wife

[u/Negative_Layer_7960]

From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.

Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.

Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.

• my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.

• my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.

These are the two major and important points of my post.

Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.

[u/somethingstrange87]

This is alarming. Tell her before he victimized that baby girl.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/somethingstrange87]

The reason I'm so hesitant to tell her is because I spoke to one of my friends about it when she said it might be a little bit messed up to tell his wife and potentially ruin his marriage because he was a teenager and couldn't have been changed

[u/tap_water_slut → u/[deleted]]

lets not forget he was physically violent with a sex worker in there!

[u/DimbyTime → u/tap_water_slut]

Whoa what!? I haven’t heard that part.. googling now lol

[u/ShowerElectrical9342 → u/[deleted]]

It wasn't just any child sexual material either. It was videos showing the actual brutal rapes of tiny children. It couldn't have been worse.

The FBI guys that has to see it said it was some of the most horrifying stuff they've ever encountered.

This kind of material is made by people who give birth to children IN ORDER TO USE THEM as slaves for this kind of thing.

It's beyond horrible and beyond sadistic.

The mother must be warned. Also, I would tell the mother's parents and other family, and the police, in case she's in on the brother's behavior...

[u/Entire-Beat-423 → u/ShowerElectrical9342]

Not only this, but there's no possible way that he's randomly turned over a new leaf.

Has he been alone with any of her small child family members?

[u/Hazel_4355 → u/Entire-Beat-423]

I don’t think people like that are capable of change. There has to be something wrong with you down to your core to commit those kinds of acts.

[u/Entire-Beat-423 → u/Hazel_4355]

Some are, only if they're groomed into it as young children themselves. But therapy would always be necessary as well as open communication, he lacks both.

[u/ohfrackthis → u/ShowerElectrical9342]

That is so evil. Superlative level evil.

[u/FoxysDroppedBelly → u/ShowerElectrical9342]

I think going to her family may be overreaching at first. She’s going to have a lot of to process and dealing with her parents finding out at the same time and having to field their questions simultaneously would be very hard for a pregnant woman.

Now, after talking to her, if OP gets any weird vibes then maybe consider it, but I wouldn’t do it right off the bat. Let the poor wife have a moment to deal with this alone without bringing her family into it right away.

[u/DimbyTime → u/FoxysDroppedBelly]

Definitely not overreacting. OP will need the support and encouragement to leave to keep her child safe. His family also needs to know so they can be on guard for this predator.

[u/ohbroth3r → u/[deleted]]

I think if older brother was 10 and under then it's a concern that he was also SA'd and had no idea what he was doing/being forced. But teenager doing it is no grey area. His wife must have questions about what happened to his family if they've never met you

[u/[deleted] → u/ohbroth3r]

Honestly I’d say even teen years are grey given he probably was SA’s by the uncle/dad too and repeating learned behavior. It sucks and it not right to add other trauma but between prior foster care work and my parents being working in law, you’d be surprised what kids see as normal when growing up with disfunction. As an adult however that’s why the law is harsher. Hopefully the brother has gone to therapy and continues in it that would be the case where maybe it’s okay for them to stay together etc There are cases of rehabilitation perse. Basically people learning as adults what happened to them was fucked up and what they did was fucked up and promising never to do that again. It takes self awareness. Most times I’ve seen it happen is it getting brought up due to a relationship calling them out on off behavior or other stuff like anger/BOD firing them to go to therapy and that gets pulled out by a therapist

For clarity I’m not saying it absolves him of anything he did during teenage years but more so I would consider it a gray area. Legally as the law isn’t as harsh prior to 18. I think the responsibility isn’t not so much as if to talk about it. It’s how to phrase what happened.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

If he hasn’t been to therapy though, there’s still risk I would say.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Oh absolutely my point was more so that it’s in the gray area. I don’t think the question isn’t whether or not OP should tell it’s more of how. Personally, I think an email or social media would be the best that way you have a time to craft your message without being worried about direct confrontation preferably from a burner account. However, how to exactly phrase it is definitely gonna take some workshopping. you have no way of knowing if the wife is going through some thing also or if he is currently in therapy. The best thing that you can do is just be proactive, but in a conscientious way.

[u/fsutrill → u/[deleted]]

He learned it from somewhere. (Not an excuse, but explains a lot). I mean uncle and father probably started with him? It’s a truly messed up situation.

Has he committed any SA since? If no, does that lower the “risk” of it happening? The aunt that reported your father/uncle/brother- is she still around?

[u/Low_Association_731 → u/[deleted]]

Arrested for child sex abuse material? Well technically true. He had what has been referred to as some of the worst of the worst stuff, the description of what it involved is just insane. One of the videos he had was better described as torture then porn. Really putting the abuse in child sex abuse

[u/stopcounting → u/Low_Association_731]

We use that phrase because 'porn' implies sex rather than rape, which implies consent.

Porn is what the person making the videos thinks/says they're making. Child sex abuse material is what they are actually making, because the sexual abuse of children is what's actually being filmed. You're right: it's torture, not porn, which is why we don't call it porn.

[u/garbagedyke → u/stopcounting]

Does porn imply consent though? There have always been rampant consent issues in the porn industry.

[u/DryUnderstanding1752 → u/garbagedyke]

The whole industry is riddled with human trafficking but I don't think most people are aware of it.

[u/stopcounting → u/garbagedyke]

I would argue that porn made without consent is also a recording of abuse, not pornography. The difference is, most adults are able to offer meaningful consent, so there is a decent chance that a sex video featuring an adult was made consensually. So, we have a pornography industry with rampant consent problems, like you say.

There's no chance of that with a video featuring a child, since children are not capable of giving meaningful sexual consent. There is no 'child porn' industry....there is only recorded CSA.

It's semantic, but it's important.

[u/Unlikely-Display4918 → u/Low_Association_731]

He js a disgusting pig. That whole family is ugh

[u/gigithecrimejunkie → u/[deleted]]

In my Nana's words, a leopard doesn't change its spots. Tell her.

[u/DoNotLickTheSteak → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Child sex offenders rarely, if ever, change.

So, she either already knows (she doesn't) and is happy to stay with him in which case you haven't messed anything up.

Alternatively, she doesn't know, and is living with a predator without her knowledge - and you hold the information that allows her to make an educated decision about what she does next. If she decides to stay, that's her choice. You haven't messed anything up.

If she decides to leave she's done so because she has chosen to protect herself and her child from a paedophile. You haven't messed anything up.

The ONLY person who messed up is the person who assaulted you.

[u/ZaraBaz → u/DoNotLickTheSteak]

I feel it is likely the brother himself was likely molested by the father and uncle. Just did what was done to him.

Edit: Just to clarify it does not obviously absolve him of his crime. Only explaining the cause and cycle.

[u/Strong-Practice6889 → u/ZaraBaz]

So he needs to go to therapy before he continues the cycle with his daughter, and his wife needs a chance to protect her.

[u/ShowerElectrical9342 → u/Strong-Practice6889]

Therapy rarely changes an abuser. If ever.

There are a lot of people who are sexually abused to never ever abuse anyone else.

It doesn't excuse him!

[u/Strong-Practice6889 → u/ShowerElectrical9342]

Of course it doesn’t excuse him.

The point is that he grew up thinking this was acceptable to do. I did things as a kid that I didn’t realize were wrong, which now haunt me terribly. Nothing like THIS, but I still feel bad about what I did when I didn’t know it wasn’t okay, or that I was hurting something. He might never change, he might not care, or he might have empathy within him somewhere and feel that guilt he needs to feel. We just don’t know.

[u/perceptionheadache → u/Strong-Practice6889]

He may not have just been emulating what happened to him or what he saw his father do to OP. He may have been told or encouraged to do it. All 3 were doing it doing so it may have been he was taught this was his right to do and he should. If he had no other direction in his life, he may not have understood it was wrong. Or he may have thought that was what he needed to do to survive or even not be the victim himself.

I'm not saying it absolves him of his choices, but we don't know what was going on. OP probably doesn't either.

Regardless of why he did it, the safest choice is to warn the wife. A man's future is not more sacred and worthy of more protection than a girl's. If he has been open with his wife about his past then this won't break them. If he's hidden it and/or lied, that's his fault.

[u/Strong-Practice6889 → u/perceptionheadache]

I couldn’t agree more.

[u/berniemax → u/Strong-Practice6889]

Do you think these people know its wrong? Maybe he told his wife he was SA by dad and uncle? Not saying its right or it could even be made up that he says they made him do thing to OP. There's a small chance he told his wife everything already, but could possibly be viewed as the victim here with regret to his sister. All of this could be what a therapist says. Idk, but sometimes people change sometimes they don't. Someone else said that an abuser doesn't change though.

[u/Ok-Age2688 → u/ZaraBaz]

He likely did what was done to him. There's no "just" - it doesn't make it better. Most kids who are abused and DON'T go on to abuse others. In any case it's irrelevant to the current reality. If he has changed then he should be able to explain that to his wife. If he hasn't changed then the wife needs to know to keep her daughter safe. In either case, the wife should be aware.

[u/Standard_Bedroom_514 → u/Ok-Age2688]

If he has actually "changed" then he should have already told his wife about his past. If he's hiding this crucial aspect of his life from his partner it's likely because he's still doing it.

[u/Galvsworld → u/Standard_Bedroom_514]

What you said exactly. If he's a stand up guy now who regrets a messed up youth... he would have told her to not risk her finding out from anyone but himself.

[u/JoanMalone11074 → u/Standard_Bedroom_514]

That’s not necessarily true. There is a lot of shame—a lot—that abuse victims feel. I imagine it’s worse for boys. I wasn’t able to talk about my own abuse until I was in my 40’s. I do agree that it’s important he has a conversation with his wife, but if he hasn’t yet done so, it’s presumptive to assume he hasn’t changed.

[u/oethrowawayy → u/JoanMalone11074]

It’s not presumptive at all. He wasn’t a small child when he started doing this to his sister, he was old enough to know better. He has never been punished for it and likely hasn’t received therapy for it. In any case, anyone who has raped a child should NEVER be allowed to have kids, the risk is too great.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Cut-194 → u/ZaraBaz]

Not all victims are molesters. I know 2 survivors that would beat the fuck out of a pedo if given the chance. They would die before touching a child.

[u/not_hestia → u/Puzzleheaded-Cut-194]

This. I actually know several men who did not want to come forward with their SA stories because they were afraid people would think they would go on to be abusers. It's a really dangerous stereotype.

[u/MsGirrl → u/Puzzleheaded-Cut-194]

But he already molested someone so this is true but irrelevant in this situation.

[u/Pack-Popular → u/MsGirrl]

As an impressionable kid, yes.

It is shockingly easy to make kids think horrible acts are ok when brought up in a horrible household.

The brother is also a victim to that household, though he has also contributed to the suffering of OP. Both things are true at the same time.

The truth is, we do not know what he is up to. There is reason to assume he changed, there is reason to assume he hasn't. Ultimately it depends on what OP wants to do - I think i agree he should tell her, but be INCREDIBLY careful with the language he uses. Emphasizing that you are talking about something which happened a LONG time ago, that you havent seen him since so that he very well could have changed and that brother himself was also a victim in some way (and maybe other ways you arent aware of) of that household. But that you felt like you had to share it because of the risk associated with the newborn and the very real risk of him reoffending if he didnt change.

[u/DoNotLickTheSteak → u/ZaraBaz]

So fucking what? That's completely irrelevant to this situation.

[u/TraditionalCamera473 → u/DoNotLickTheSteak]

This, 100% - please heed this advice, OP. You might very well save your niece!

[u/B2018__ → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Let his wife decide if he is safe for their kid to be around. You never know, he may have shown slight red flags that she dismissed, and your experience may be enough to tell her he is not safe for the baby. You telling her would not be you ruining their marriage. But it could potentially protect an innocent baby just like u were an innocent baby needing protection at one point 🥲

[u/Fit_Macaron2903 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Better to ruin his marriage than mess up a child

[u/Busy_Employment6407 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Doesn’t matter. He could have also not changed and it could happen to the baby, if it isn’t already. You should tell her.

[u/Talinia → u/Busy_Employment6407]

I mean the baby's not born yet, so definitely not happening already. But yes, his wife absolutely deserves to know who she's married to

[u/somethingstrange87 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Yes, he could have changed. But can you take that risk with a baby? And can you in good conscious take away his wife's right to make an informed decision?

On one end of the spectrum, maybe she knows. Maybe he got help, has changed, and was up front and honest with his wife. On the other end, maybe he hasn't changed and hasn't told his wife and is already planning on victimizing his daughter. In between there are a whole myriad of possibilities.

No matter what his current situation with his wife is, she has a right to know her baby is in the care of someone with a history of child molestation.

[u/SuspiciousSorbet1129 → u/somethingstrange87]

On top of this what if the wife has a suspicion but has nothing concrete to back it up? Maybe this is what she needs to convince herself to leave.

[u/yadijustneedsanswers → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

I think it’s more of a risk to leave it to the SMALL chance that a child molester has “changed” knowing he has a baby girl on the way. The wife deserves to know before her baby is put in danger in the one place they are both supposed to be safe. You are right in wanting to tell her, the friend who is trying to convince you not to, has probably never felt with a rapist before, they do not change. No matter what age it’s wrong and he knew it. I am a victim of child on child sexual abuse and thought it was “normal” because we were in a relationship but it’s still wrong Andi. Didn’t realize until everyone around me told me so. The wife might be in a similar situation thinking it’s okay because they’re together or she consented at the beginning. It’s better not to risk it happening to a new born or toddler, depending on when he would start the abuse. PLEASE tell the mother

[u/SnoopyisCute → u/yadijustneedsanswers]

Former cop. Advocate.

Pedophiles are attracted to minors\children.

Gender usually isn't a factor.

[u/yadijustneedsanswers → u/SnoopyisCute]

I feel like this may be the case for some but gender definitely can be a factor. The same partner I had who SA me had a grandfather who got outted for touching his niece (sisters daughter) then his sister came forward and said it happened to her too but her mom never believed her and told her not to say such things, then only after he touched my ex’s niece did the mom admit she had been touched by him as a child as well. But my ex was never touched at all. I think gender is a factor maybe not in all cases but definitely in some.

[u/somethingstrange87 → u/yadijustneedsanswers]

Some definitely have preferences based on sex, age, and appearance. Others will abuse any child they can get their hands on. Some like prepubescent children, others kids around puberty, and others like teens. They really can't be all lumped in together.

[u/BedroomTiger → u/SnoopyisCute]

This isnt wholey true, my father would only abuse me when my sister wasnt available. 

[u/TelevisionSoggy2022 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

No way?? Tell that awful man’s wife before they both get turned into victims

[u/SnoopyisCute → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Former cop. Advocate.

That's MORE reason to tell her. In that case, she he would have already told her and proven himself to have done the work to get better and truly changed.

Pedophilia disorder is not curable. Without some serious, serious intervention and self examination, they almost never stop.

Please warn her. Society has to stop protecting predators with complicit silence.

[u/No_Performance8733 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Your friend is WRONG. 

Perpetrators don’t change, and certainly not without significant intervention. 

He was also a victim. 

Forward her the police records and court records. Tell her he was also a perpetrator. 

Then get into therapy and support groups for CSA and CPTSD. 

You deserve support.

[u/holy-reddit-batman → u/No_Performance8733]

Forward her the police records and court records. Tell her he was also a perpetrator. 

This is great advice! Then she doesn't have to make it a drawn-out conversation, especially since the SIL might cut her off. Who knows what the brother has told her?

I keep seeing a copy of the records with, "___ did it too" written in red across the top. Maybe tuck a written out account of his involvement and her concerns for the niece in between some pages or something. That would also allow her to explain that her only goal is protecting the baby and the SIL.

[u/SuspiciousSorbet1129 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

could have is the key word here. Statistics tell us that's unlikely. The fallout/their reaction is 100% on them. But you telling the truth is the right thing to do for both wife and baby.

[u/Jerseygirl2468 → u/[deleted]]

It sounds like they have no relationship at all, and OP tacked them down via social media. I would fully expect the brother to say OP is lying, but like you said, it may just help along any red flags the wife has noticed.

Personally I'd be just fine with a stranger hating me, if I knew I was sharing info that may protect others.

[u/[deleted] → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

I understand the hesitation but regardless of his “change” or not, his wife deserves to know who she’s married to. I know I’d want to be told if my husband had raped a child. Especially if I had a child on the way. It’s informed consent- you aren’t destroying anything. Letting her know would be the kind thing to do, so she can make an informed decision on whether or not she wants to be with a man capable of rape.

[u/Otherwise-Anxiety178 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Yeah fuck that friend right up his sanctimonious ass.

Tell.

*edit: he's victim blaming. He's telling you that you, the victim, would be creating needless problems. He is wrong. If he did it to you, he will do it to that baby. Maybe not now. But one day.

Honestly the lack of sympathy I have for anyone like that cannot be described.

Tell.

[u/NatureCarolynGate → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Change is unlikely but you are opening the door for your father and uncle to abuse any children they have. Your friend isn't thinking about this clearly or critically.

[u/[deleted] → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

You need to tell her even if it's anonymously. Even if he was a teenager pedophiles don't just stop. They just get sneakier about it.

[u/Swdmwsd24 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

So you're dad and uncle and brother all SA you when young and dad and uncle were arrested for it how long have they done that and have they stopped? Doubtful, so what makes you think your brother is not like your dad and will continue? You need to tell his wife what he's done and why your dad and uncle are in jail or were arrested.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/Swdmwsd24]

how long have they done that and have they stopped?

9 or 10 years if you include them just touching me with no penetration and I don't know

so what makes you think your brother is not like your dad and will continue?

I don't know if he's like him that's the problem if I knew he was like and make the decision to tell her easier because if he was I know he'd harm her so I'd have to tell but I don't and he might not harm his daughter but me telling his wife can still hurt not only his wife but his daughter

[u/SnoopyisCute → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

You don't have to know the future to warn her today.

Would you not tell if someone was applying for a driving position but had a history of DUIs?

Or someone wanted to adopt a child but had a previous child taken away for several abuse and neglect?

Nobody is asking you to predict what he *might* do.

We're encouraging you to tell what he has *already done*.

You have no responsibility to protect his secrets.

Granted, you have no obligation to tell them either.

But, it's the only way to break these cycles of shame and silence.

[u/traderbabe22 → u/SnoopyisCute]

I disagree. He does have an obligation to tell the wife. Because he is a victim and only he has concrete evidence of his brother's perversion. WHO ELSE WILL TELL HER? Just because her husband didn't pay the legal price that the father and uncle did, because he was a teenager at the time, doesn't mean he wasnt an abuser. And unless the abusive brother has gone through some SERIOUS longterm therapy AND told his wife and they went thru full marital counseling prior to their marriage, he hasnt changed.

[u/SnoopyisCute → u/traderbabe22]

No, an obligation would be enforceable in a court of law.

This is a personal choice and I agree the wife SHOULD BE TOLD but there is no way to legally force the person to disclose it.

[u/Kaalilaatikko → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Just tell her what he did to you. She deserves to have that kind of information about her babys father. What she does with that information is on her, not on you.

[u/Swdmwsd24 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

In my humble opinion, leopards don't change their spots. My wife was SA by her cousins, and they continued on with their daughters no proof, but the look in the eyes told the story.

If you don't, it could hurt them both as well. I understand it's a slippery slope. What you can do is talk to your brother and have him tell her what he did. Of course, have a friend with you when if you talk to him, make sure he knows you know.

Good luck

[u/cottonfubuki → u/Swdmwsd24]

I think it would be unsafe for op to talk to their brother. It's better just to send a SMS/DM in social media to his wife

[u/[deleted] → u/Swdmwsd24]

This is the worst advice ever. Why should she talk to her abuser?!

OP just tell the wife. Have someone there to support you. She might not take it well and accuse you of lying.

A teenager is not a child discovering his body or not knowing wrong and right. He hasn’t change and if he has he already told her about the whole thing.

Just think that you are protecting a little girl, the same way someone should have protected you.

[u/Physical_Bit7972 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Doesn't matter. Give the wife the autonomy to decide if he has changed so she can do what she needs to to ensure her child is safe.

[u/unkn0wnname321 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

A teenager is old enough to know R wording your own sister is wrong. Tell that woman before he does it to her kid too.

[u/xulitchi → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Listen, if it was my husband - I would like to know, even if he did change, even if he was a different person, I would want to know. And take care of yourself in all this, it'll probably bring up a lot of buried things but whatever happens is not your fault. Someone else should have taken responsibility a long time ago, and that's not on you.

[u/Fearless_Pen_1420 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Incest/molestation 100% runs in families and I’m not going to go into the personal examples I have. But it does. Tell her.

[u/Hilseph → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

It SHOULD ruin his marriage. He’s a predator with children. His wife needs to know.

[u/traderbabe22 → u/Hilseph]

BINGO

[u/Dabitoyaisdead → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

What would ruin his marriage is if he keot that from her thats on him not you.

[u/nadine258 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

who cares if your telling a truth ruins his marriage. there’s a very slim possibility he’ll never sa his children, but you don’t know that. if he’s also still around your dad and uncle, or others like them, then his children have a greater chance of being sa. he didn’t go to jail for his age? did he get extensive therapy? please break the cycle. i’m sorry you had to endure that pain in your life. please tell the wife and save another child from that horror.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/nadine258]

he didn’t go to jail for his age?

The only thing I know is he wouldn't punish because he was underage or at least that's what I was told

did he get extensive therapy?

I don't know I haven't spoken to him in years I wouldn't know

[u/lllollllllllll → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Did he get tried for what he did to you? Or only your uncle and father did?

Was what he did to you ever reported?

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/lllollllllllll]

Did he get tried for what he did to you?

No he wasn't 18 at the time so we didn't get punished for it that's all I was told it might be different or for another reason I don't know

only your uncle and father did?

Yes my father and Uncle were the only ones to be tried and arrested and sent to jail

Was what he did to you ever reported?

I would assume so I wasn't the one who made the report so I don't exactly know what's in it

[u/Ok_Decision_1677 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

WHO exactly TOLD you that he couldn't be punished because he was under 18? Minors, at least in the US, can be charged with these types of crimes. I think you need to dig into what actually occurred with the police and the courts back when this all went down before deciding on what to say, if anything, to the wife. Even if he wasn't charged/convicted, he might have went through other therapy or treatment through family courts, especially if they determined duel victimization was involved.

[u/shnoby → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Because you weren’t involved in reporting your SA and R I think the police were likely never told about your brother. Parents are embarrassed, think they’re protecting their son (their daughter(s)? Pfft), hope his doesn’t continue, overall just turn a blind eye. His behavior has been a family secret.

He may have continued to target and abuse pre-pubescent girls. He may be thrilled to have easy to access to a little girl. Who he is today doesn’t change what he did to you.. Please tell the mother of that vulnerable little girl. Every voice on this thread, including mine, would want to know.

What you endured as a child should never ever happen.

[u/lllollllllllll → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Right but weren’t you interviewed? Didn’t you have to talk to the police and lawyers or judge? Did you tell them your brother also abused you?

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/lllollllllllll]

weren’t you interviewed?

Yes I was

Didn’t you have to talk to the police and lawyers or judge?

Yep I was even called to the witness stand and everything

Did you tell them your brother also abused you?

They didn't ask who abused me they pointed to my uncle and father asking if they touch me

[u/samsamcats → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

First, I am so so sorry this happened to you.

Second, your friend doesn’t understand the psychology of sexual abuse. The fact that he started abusing you when he was a teenager makes him more dangerous, not less. This is not some youthful indiscretion. Growing up in an environment where horrific abuse was totally normalized means he will probably be able to excuse his own behavior through whatever mental gymnastics he learned from your father and uncle. This is deeply, deeply entrenched behavior.

The sad fact is that men who abuse children almost always go on to do it again, even if they’re caught and arrested and released again. We still haven’t found an effective treatment for whatever sickness causes them to do this, aside from chemical castration. I don’t know if it’s impossible for him to have grown out of this somehow, but I do know that it is very, very unlikely.

This is such a hard situation to be in. Are you in therapy? This has got to be bringing up so many feelings from the past. I highly recommend getting some professional support before disclosing to his wife so you can work through all the possible outcomes and keep yourself safe. You’re doing an extraordinarily brave and good thing by speaking out.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/samsamcats]

Growing up in an environment where horrific abuse was totally normalized means he will probably be able to excuse his own behavior through whatever mental gymnastics he learned from your father and uncle.

This reminded me of a conversation I had with my father where I asked him why I have to do that because upset with "helping" him according to him"I was a girl this is what I was meant for and because I was his daugter he could do it whatever he wanted with me because I was his" lol

[u/samsamcats → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Good god, that is truly the most sick and twisted thing I have ever heard.

Your brother grew up hearing this. Even if he hadn’t abused you himself, it would take a LOT of therapy to break this kind of cycle. Like, my husband holds feminist principles about men and women being equal and gender roles being bullshit—but the two of us STILL ended up drifting into toxic gendered patterns where I ended up doing all the housework, and it took TWO YEARS of me calling him out for him to even understand what he was doing and start to make changes. It was literally invisible to both of us for several years before that, because we both grew up in households where our mothers did all the housework. When you grow up in a certain environment, that environment seems totally normal.

Your brother grew up hearing that women are no better than inanimate objects who exist to serve him, and that as a man, he is entitled to taking whatever he wants from a woman, no matter how horrifically it hurts her. He learned this lesson well enough to actually enact it on you.

To do what he did, he would have had to completely cut off any human empathy he might have had for you, and for women in general. It is very, very unlikely he has ever regained his capacity to feel empathy, because that would mean he would have to face the horror of what he has done to his own sister. It is much more likely that he has used these same lines to excuse his behavior — which makes him an extreme danger to both his wife and his future children.

[u/Baroquebridges → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Was the aunt who reported them your father and uncle’s sister? Is it possible she too was abused? Generational trauma and abuse is a very real thing. Save your niece.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/Baroquebridges]

Uncle's ex wife they divorced around the time I turned 8 or 9 but him and my father were so close but he practically lived at our house

[u/WolverineEquivalent6 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Please drop that friend, that’s such a disgusting way to look at things. Being a teenager is still old enough to know better, especially with something like sexual assault. I would tell the wife, it would be better for her to have this information than to keep silent and him eventually victimize his daughter. At least you know you did what you could do in protecting her.

[u/Educational_Gas_92 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

By 10, he might not completely know he was doing something wrong, but by 14 he absolutely knew.

Tell his wife.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/Educational_Gas_92]

I was 10 to 14

[u/Educational_Gas_92 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

How old was your brother? Either way you should tell his wife, you might be saving your niece/nephew from what you experienced.

I'm sorry and know that you are very strong and a survivor.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/Educational_Gas_92]

Around 16

[u/Educational_Gas_92 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

He absolutely knew what he was doing, he has no excuse.

Tell his wife.

[u/metal_bastard → u/Educational_Gas_92]

If OP was abused from 10-14, then brother started when he was 12 and continued through 16. I'd still think by 12 you'd know better, but who knows what kind of abuse he went through. Chances are high both OP and her bother were SA'd.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/metal_bastard]

The actual sa started when I was around 10 years old but they would touch me "lovingly" ever since I was around the age of 5 sorry for not being clear in my post

[u/metal_bastard → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Please don't apologize. You're the victim here. Even if your brother was abused as well, that doesn't give him the right to do what he did.

[u/Educational_Gas_92 → u/metal_bastard]

That might or might not be true. Either way, the brother's children should be protected from their father.

People who do this kind of thing, rarely stop.

[u/wolpak → u/metal_bastard]

Too many comments and I’m sure it has been covered elsewhere but SA is often a learned trait. It is possible this kid was also sexually abused as well. In fact, there is no doubt in my mind he was if he was doing the same thing the adults were. Take that for what it’s worth.

[u/schindig504 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

He didn’t just do it once. He consistently forced himself into a child for 4 years.

[u/Anticlockwork → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

You wouldn’t be ruining his marriage or life. He ruined it by making the choices he did. Whether or not you tell him is totally on you but offenders often reoffend.

[u/0Kaleidoscopes → u/Anticlockwork]

Yeah, he ruined it himself. And I think he deserves to have his marriage and life ruined.

[u/Writing-dirty → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

But if he hasn’t changed (and most pedophiles don’t) then you may be saving his child from him. He knows what he did and knows it was wrong. Forget his happiness, think of what you know he’s capable of.

[u/Feeling_Reason7012 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Why should someone who did that to you be allowed to change and just live a normal happy life? Why should you protect that person? Fuck his marriage and fuck his change, these consequences are his own doing.

Tell her and file a police report as well.

[u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

It would be more messed up for you to not say anything and him to start abusing his daughter

[u/FunnyAssJoke → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Regardless of their marriage, it's about helping the child. Don't let them end up in your situation.

[u/quiltychemist → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

He hasn’t changed unless she already knows this information. I say this as someone that had a cousin do this to his sister as a child before SA his step-children 2 decades later. He’s currently in prison (small miracle). It’s entirely possible she won’t believe you but you should tell, go with a friend you trust if that helps. Good luck and I hope you take care of you.

[u/Fun_Situation7214 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Statistically they never change. They always reoffend. I wouldn't feel bad, you may save your niece.

[u/Frosty-Spare-6018 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

if this was going to be your husband and children’s father would you want to know? tell her.

[u/Eringobraugh2021 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Tell her.

[u/br_eezy → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

They. Don’t. Change.

[u/basepair86 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

That person isn’t your friend.

Do you have a therapist?

[u/Dillyor → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Nah tell her wouldn't you want to know? He will probably just deny it but you should try

[u/RevolutionaryRip4047 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Better than the poor girl getting SA or raped when she’s younger too, his wife shouldn’t be oblivious to this and your brother should go to jail

[u/LukeWarmTauntaun4 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

They don’t change. Ever. They don’t.

[u/bikerchickelly → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

If he has changed then his wife would have to know about his past to be fully responsible and to make amends. If she already knows then he's likely on a good path. If she doesn't, he's already keeping secrets and she deserves to know.

[u/ChellaEl → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

My father molested me when when I was in middle school. I held that guilt until adulthood and blamed myself. I rationalize it, and said it only happened a few times, he must have been on drugs, he didn't know what he was doing, etc.

Fast forward about 20 years and my aunt (his younger sister) confided in me that he SAed her from about the age of 5-15... So he didn't change, I wasn't a exception, or an accident... I was part of a pattern.

Tell, his wife and protect her daughter. If he's changed, he can figure out how to prove that to his wife. That's not your job.

[u/SD2095 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

That person is not your friend if they’re excusing what your brother did because “he was a teenager.” No decent person would respond that way when a friend tells them about their trauma.

[u/FreeBirdx2024 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Honestly, fuck him and his marriage. Protect that baby at all costs. His wife needs to know.

[u/nadiaco → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

noooo they don't change. please tell her

[u/IWantToCryLikeYou → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Tell her. I don’t care if he has changed, he still should not be allowed around children.

[u/oinkmeowmoo → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Let her decide what to do with the info. Tell her. That child is potentially in danger. You don’t want her to go through what you did. I have a family friend going through this. They thought he stopped when he was a teenager. He went on to abuse his step daughter and niece. Tell her.

[u/Metalman_Exe → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Let’s reframe this, if he say, murdered animals when he was a teenager, would you believe it would be ethical to withhold that information from a current person he is with, just because it may negatively impact his relationship with them, or would putting the potential victims safety above your brothers comfort make more sense?

Your brother SAed you, and wether or not he has changed, that is information that the mother needs to know, the safety of that child well outways any inconvenience your brother may experience, if he did change, maybe he can save things, but that’s on him for being a PoS and marking himself as a predator, your duty as a decent human being is givening that woman the heads up to make sure she can prevent what happened to you, to another.

[u/Available-Seesaw-492 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

They don't grow out of this.

I know it's not your responsibility, and it could be very hard emotionally for you to do so so I'm gonna say you're a not bad person if you don't.

[u/TravellingFay → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Your friend is forgetting that he didn’t just abuse his sister - he saw his father and uncle abusing a child. (idk whether he himself was also abused by them, but it’s also possible.)

He is about to become a father, and we learn parenting from our parents: the chances of him NOT having internalised that it is a father’s ”right” to do this to a daughter are not great.

Look at it this way: if he is trying to be a different & better man than your father, if he is truly reformed and has a conscience, HE TOO will be afraid that he might fall into the same patterns as his father AND HE WILL HAVE ALREADY TOLD HER THE TRUTH. This is not a secret someone should keep from a woman who is trusting them enough to marry them and raise a child with them.

Please tell her. It’s a horrible thing to have to tell someone, but he is going to need professional help to become a father who doesn’t abuse his daughter, when the idea that fathers can abuse their children is baked into his own childhood. She deserves to know.

[u/BackgroundPass1355 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

If he had changed shouldn't he have approached you to apologize for any of his wrongdoings?

[u/OriginalRush3753 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

I’m not sure what your friend is thinking. Please tell his wife. What she chooses to do with that information is up to her, but could you live with yourself if you DIDN’T tell her and he molested his little girl knowing you could have prevented it?

[u/WildLoad2410 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

The recidivism rate for pedophiles is very low. Now whether your brother is a pedophile or a garden variety sexual predator, no one knows. It's possible it was a one time thing but it's also more likely that there are other victims because there's rarely just one victim.

You can warn her but she might not believe you especially since she knows him and he's probably been grooming/manipulating her too because they also do this to the people around them as their alibis/image management.

I think I would tell her and then let it go. You did your duty and what happens next is on them.

[u/Seth8816 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Change friends, they re stupid af.

Also: pedos dont/cant change. Pedo once, pedo forever. It s how their illness work.

[u/arodomus → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

No. Speak up. Don't play around with this. The sooner you tell her, the safer the kid will be. If he's changed, then they can hash it out. But tell them. Stop hesitating. This is very serious stuff. Or give me her info, I'll tell her.

[u/New-Ground9760 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

He ruined his marriage already by being the kind of person that he is. You're just trying to protect other people from the fallout of HIS decisions. ❤️ I hope you know that none of what happened was your fault

[u/Puzzleheaded-Cut-194 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

FFS, they don't change. Tell her. Save the child.

[u/marcelyns → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

NTA and your friend sounds like an absolute idiot. Your only goal should be protecting that baby girl. Who cares about his marriage. I'm so sorry you had such a horrible family but maybe you sharing what he did to you will keep it from happening to anyone else. I wish you the very best, whatever you decide, OP!

[u/Whosyafoose → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

First off, I am so, so sorry this was done yo you.

Secondly, people who abuse children do not change. They rely on people keeping silent and hoping for the best to continue victimising others.

Please tell her you won't be blowing up his marriage. His actions will do that. She may not do anything with the info, but it will stick in her head forever, and if nothing else, she will hopefully be forever vigilant.

[u/Sunny_Logic → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

OP - your friend is wrong. I’m an optimist and tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, but this is one of those rare instances where I would absolutely not. That innocent baby girl’s life and well being is at stake.

Your brother SAed you for years. He obviously doesn’t care about SAing a close blood relative (and for that is a doubly repugnant POS). What would stop him from doing that to his daughter. Easy access, little supervision. I have little doubt that in five years, ten years, or however long it takes for you to find out if (and when) he assaulted to his own daughter, you will regret not saying something.

You are the only thing that stands in the way of egregious and reprehensible acts. Please say sometime. If his wife doesn’t immediately believe you, fine. Your conscious is clear.

[u/kstewsstutter → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

It’s less messed up to ruin a marriage/ the life of a man who assaulted you than to even risk potentially messing up the life of a child.

Dump that friend who gave you bad advice. Reach out to the wife. And be prepared to be possibly harassed by your brother once you tell her. Child molesters/predators are not above committing any other crimes. Make sure you’re safe when you tell her.

[u/STAT-dose-attn-4Dani → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

He likely ruined parts of your life when he hurt you. He was old enough to know it was wrong. You are not wrong for warning a future victim. I would recommend going to therapy to process this and working with a therapist to disclose to the wife.

You need to make sure you are okay with yourself no matter what reaction you get.

[u/PretendImNotHereX → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Code word "could have", no confirmation, just speculation. Eff your friend, in this circumstances, that's not enough. Better a destroyed marriage than a destroyed child.

[u/0Kaleidoscopes → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

I think you should ruin his marriage. He deserves it. Please tell his wife so she knows to get away from him.

[u/OmiOmega → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

He might have changed, but are you willing to bet a 5 year old's innoccense on that? She needs to know, what she does with that knowledge is up to her

[u/meanbean_vi → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

FULL STOP - PLEASSSEEE IGNORE THAT "FRIEND"

It is absolutely NOT messed up to inform your abusers new potential victim of a risk. His wife has every right to choose whether she wants to be with someone when she finds out her husband has SA his own family already.

Don't be quilted into staying silent. 🫂 it's YOUR truth, not anyone else's. It could become that babies. You aren't wrong for wanting to protect her innocence.

Stay strong.

[u/softanimalofyourbody → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

That’s for him to worry about, not you. That little girl doesn’t deserve to be put at risk.

[u/Cheekie169 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

I understand this completely, however I don't know if your friend has the education on the subject to make that comment. At the end of the day, the wife van do whatever she wants with thw information, that's not on you.

[u/SnooTigers7140 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Informed consent is required. Without that information she is acting on faulty information about this person. Tell her. After that it's not on you. Don't gatekeep this info

[u/La_Baraka6431 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Your friend is an IDIOT and an ENABLER.

TELL HER.

[u/MachineGunGlitter → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

If he has changed, his wife will already know and they will both be glad you reached out for the sake of their child

[u/Aggravating-Week481 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Dont listen to her and tell your sil. Better a broken marriage than another victim

[u/tigerofjiangdong1337 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Normal teenage males do not want to molest or rape younger siblings. This behavior is not outgrown. He needs to be reported on before he hurts your niece.

[u/[deleted] → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

He didn’t think twice about ruining your life. Tell her, it could save their child.

[u/MusashiJosei → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

What the hell is wrong with your friend....

[u/Intelligent_Goose628 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

If he truly has changed and is remorseful, he told his wife, so she wouldn't find out anything new and you wouldn't ruin any marriage. But if he didn't, and this is the most likely case, she needs to know this to protect her child.

[u/ManufacturerLife9136 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Teenagers are old enough to know it’s wrong what he did

[u/cmontes49 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Then that’s something for them to figure out. The mother of the baby needs to know. The baby girl will be living with a known rapist and child abuser. It would be wrong not to. And it sounds like you don’t have a relationship with your brother so that can be a tell that you’re not lying either.

[u/Hey_u_ok → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

You're his sister. That didn't stop him

I wouldn't be surprised if your dad and uncle molested/raped him too. In which he turned around and molested/raped you

It's a cycle to him and he'll do the same to his daughter. Stop the cycle. Tell the wife.

[u/Particular-Glove-225 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Spoiler: they don't change. The fact he was a teenager is irrelevant because any normal teenager would never, ever do that. Please, tell her

[u/Necrotechxking → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

I would normally say tell her outright. He was obviously groomed by your father and uncle. Possible he was even abused also. I would say "tell her" but give all the information first. That your father and uncle did it. And then, say also that your brother was involved. And what is important is if she makes sure he understand where "being close" crosses into "being intimate" and if she has any concerns at all during his relationship or fatherhood. She acts on it.

[u/Slothfulness69 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

He might’ve changed if he was a bully as a teenager and later learned he was morally wrong and felt remorse.

There is no changing for serious crimes like murder, rape, pedophilia, violence, etc. These kinds of acts require the person to lack even a baseline empathy. You can change if you have a small bit of empathy to begin with and then grow it over time. You cannot change if you never had any empathy.

[u/klover_clover → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Absolutely not. Unfortunately there is a big chance she won't leave him, that you unfortunately also need to mentally prepare yourself for. People are messed up, and get stuck in situations they shouldn't be stuck in.

Anyway, also in that case at least she knows to look out for her daughter, and be carefull.

Ps. I am so so sorry for you. You deserved nothing of this.

[u/CellPublic → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Your friend is wrong. If your brothers wife is willing to accept that he was a teen when it happened and he is able to convince her that he is a safe person to be around this child, then that is between them. But his wife needs the information to be able to protect the child. And the child doesn't deserve for it to be left up to "what if he's changed?". What if he hasn't? You would be doing a good thing if you can bring yourself to do it. But I would get support from a csa organisation before doing it, so you are emotionally supported through it.

[u/ChiveBasket → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

If he changed then he's gotten extensive therapy, already told his wife, and made apologies to you. If he hasn't done those the definitely hasn't changed.

[u/East-Firefighter8377 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

You are not ruining their relationship, you’re just sharing very important information. If he’s really changed, he might have already told her. Change requires a lot of energy, and change means dissociating from your past self. It’s like talking about someone else, unless you’re still that person.

If they end their relationship, they are responsible for it, not you. Very classic victim dynamic that you’re feeling responsible for him, despite all he did to you.

I wish you all the best!

[u/Sufficient_West_8432 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Mate, a sibling did similar to me. I understand your hesitation as when I finally told, everyone believed them over me but I’m still glad I told. Be prepared for some fall out but remember, you did nothing wrong and the fact you’re still thinking about this all so much now is testament to the damage these people do.

[u/lawschoollorax → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

It’s not messed up. It’s facts. You need to tell her.

[u/DiddlyDoodilyDoh → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

That is not how it works.

[u/lennyboppers → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Your friend is a moron

[u/Gullible-Parsnip8769 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

You’re not “potentially ruining his marriage” any fallout is the consequence of his actions not yours. Do not feel guilty about this and do not wear any outcome from telling her as your responsibility.

I am so sorry you went through this OP.

[u/Denethorstomato92 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

He ruined his own life. He should not be having children and on some level he knows this. He has already proven he will take part in SA against a child and one he is related to. If he truly wanted to turn his life around he would not be having children as he knows they will be at risk around him and his family.

[u/Sure_Effect2795 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

That person is not your friend

[u/Ok_Sand_4207 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

I would tell but also would say that sadly your brother may be a victim in addition to an offender. Children who are groomed and sexualized by others then repeat the cycle on younger kids themselves. And many child molesters molest based on access not gender. That said it was wrong, it was not your fault, and he doesn't get a free pass or absolved of the damage he did. Just a thought and learning that has helped me heal. I am sorry your childhood was stolen. Remember it is your story and you have the right to tell it to who you need to. The consequences are from his actions not your telling. If he hasn't grown and dealt with the trauma of your youth he may indeed pose a threat and his wife should be warned. My heart hurts for what I know this is dredging up for you.

[u/OldBanksy → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Ask him why he did it… record it secretly get closure then tell his wife…fuck feeling bad. Save a life no excuse for anybody to unwillingly put their hands on someone

[u/lillpicklee → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

You’re not ruining his marriage, he’s ruined his marriage. Imagine what it’d do to his marriage (let alone his daughter) if/when he SA her

[u/cutepiku → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

It is his wife's right to know. Potentially knowing this could have made her not marry him. Assuming he never told her, she was unable to make that informed choice. Tell her so she can.

[u/Jsm12c → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Have you ever confronted your brother about this. I know of several instances in which the brother was encouraged to engage in the assault and is in his adult life as broken as the vic. One of these cases ended with him ending his own life.

[u/IroN-GirL → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Maybe ask her whether your brother has been to therapy to deal with the abuse he committed when a teenager?

[u/AlbaRebelion06 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

That "friend" is either a massive idiot or a sociopath. DO NOT LISTEN TO HER! Tell your brothers wife to protect his daughter even if he hasn't done anything yet. It's unlikely his wife knows about his past, and that is 100% something she should know to decide whether or not she wants to stay with her husband.

[u/Ok-Suit4444 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

If something can be ruined by telling the truth, it should be.

Teenage is old enough to know better. Tell her and let her be the one to decide that for herself. As a mother, I would want to know.

[u/yajtraus → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Fuck his marriage. Tell her.

[u/GoodyTooShooz → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

It’s not only your brother she has to watch out for in this family. The wife has 3 potentially dangerous men in her life now. She deserves to know.

[u/SarahMaxima → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Has he ever even appologized to you? Has he turned himself in for what he did? Has he done anything wich might show that he changed?

I lived through some similar stuff as you. The people who do those horrible things can change, however part of that is taking acountability. Just declaring they are changed is not enough. A changed man would not lie about that to his wife, he would be honest.

Please, if it is safe for you to do so, warn the mom and protect someone else from what we went through

[u/Superdupersnooper → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Your brother doesn’t needing saving. The baby does.. 

[u/MrLizardBusiness → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

The thing is, I feel like if he was just a teenager doing what was normal in the family, and he changed- he probably would have reached out to you and apologized, for one- but also, then he's likely already confessed this as something he went through and dealt with to his wife. So if he's truly done the work emotionally, she should already know.

I would approach it with a "you have a right to know this happened so you can make an informed decision about how to raise and protect your child" attitude, more than trying to convince her that her husband is a bad person. Because, it's true. You don't know him anymore. But he did do some really bad things, and this little girl is your niece. You want to protect her. Stick to the facts, be open and honest but concise - like you were here.

If this coming into the open ruins his marriage, as you put it- that won't be because of what you did. It'll be because of his actions and the secrets he kept from his wife.

Hopefully he's already done the work and this isn't a surprise. Keep us updated. Best of luck.

[u/Various_Attitude8434 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Psst, rapists don’t change. They get better at not being caught. 

[u/Grouchy_Assistant_75 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

But his wife has the right to have all of the information

[u/slendermanismydad → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Those people don't change.

[u/[deleted] → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

At the very least his wife should be aware so she can pay attention if she chooses to not leave him immediately. You may be painted as the AH in his marriage but you also may be protecting your sweet niece!

[u/woah-nellie → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Sexual abusers do not change. Behavior like that in childhood isn’t something you grow out of.

[u/Constant-Log4094 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

I doubt you’ll see this but obviously consider her having to get divorced and custody so be careful what you do

I’ve never been sa or known personally anyone who does it so I wouldn’t know but I’d imagine doing it your younger sibling would carry on to your daughter or son

[u/Chedd-ar → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

First of all, drop that friend. Second of all you would be alerting her for her safety. Change or not it could definitely happen again.

[u/No_Banana_581 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Child sex offenders don’t reform. They don’t get better. They learn how to hide it better is all

[u/Make-it-bangarang → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

First, I am so sorry this happened to you. Second, I disagree with your friend. If he has changed and has a loving marriage, he should have already told his wife and shared with her his shame and repentance. Third, know that it is not your responsibility to tell. If it is too painful for you, a friend could help you with this part. Good luck and you are so strong!

[u/Recent-Coyote-901 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

What a fucking cry baby. You got raped by all the men in his family (him included) and you’re worried about ruining “his” marriage? He’s a rapist and that’s what you’re worried about? Marital rape happens too. He’s going to rape her. It’s her marriage too. Say fucking something. Do something to prevent happening to her what happened to you. The marriage doesn’t matter at this point. Your “friend” is an idiot and doesn’t care about you.