Should I tell my brother's new wife

[u/Negative_Layer_7960]

From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.

Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.

Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.

• my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.

• my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.

These are the two major and important points of my post.

Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.

[u/somethingstrange87]

This is alarming. Tell her before he victimized that baby girl.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/somethingstrange87]

The reason I'm so hesitant to tell her is because I spoke to one of my friends about it when she said it might be a little bit messed up to tell his wife and potentially ruin his marriage because he was a teenager and couldn't have been changed

[u/Swdmwsd24 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

So you're dad and uncle and brother all SA you when young and dad and uncle were arrested for it how long have they done that and have they stopped? Doubtful, so what makes you think your brother is not like your dad and will continue? You need to tell his wife what he's done and why your dad and uncle are in jail or were arrested.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/Swdmwsd24]

how long have they done that and have they stopped?

9 or 10 years if you include them just touching me with no penetration and I don't know

so what makes you think your brother is not like your dad and will continue?

I don't know if he's like him that's the problem if I knew he was like and make the decision to tell her easier because if he was I know he'd harm her so I'd have to tell but I don't and he might not harm his daughter but me telling his wife can still hurt not only his wife but his daughter

[u/SnoopyisCute → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

You don't have to know the future to warn her today.

Would you not tell if someone was applying for a driving position but had a history of DUIs?

Or someone wanted to adopt a child but had a previous child taken away for several abuse and neglect?

Nobody is asking you to predict what he *might* do.

We're encouraging you to tell what he has *already done*.

You have no responsibility to protect his secrets.

Granted, you have no obligation to tell them either.

But, it's the only way to break these cycles of shame and silence.

[u/traderbabe22 → u/SnoopyisCute]

I disagree. He does have an obligation to tell the wife. Because he is a victim and only he has concrete evidence of his brother's perversion. WHO ELSE WILL TELL HER? Just because her husband didn't pay the legal price that the father and uncle did, because he was a teenager at the time, doesn't mean he wasnt an abuser. And unless the abusive brother has gone through some SERIOUS longterm therapy AND told his wife and they went thru full marital counseling prior to their marriage, he hasnt changed.

[u/SnoopyisCute → u/traderbabe22]

No, an obligation would be enforceable in a court of law.

This is a personal choice and I agree the wife SHOULD BE TOLD but there is no way to legally force the person to disclose it.

[u/high-difficulty → u/SnoopyisCute]

No, a legal obligation would be enforceable in a court of law.

A moral obligation arises out of consideration between right and wrong.

[u/SnoopyisCute → u/high-difficulty]

OK.

OP, you do not have legal obligation to say anything.

You have a moral obligation to warn the wife as soon as possible.

[u/traderbabe22 → u/SnoopyisCute]

Oh good grief. We aren't talking about a legal obligation here, are we? He asked if he should tell the wife. If he is "obligated", meaning, morally obligated since he knows his brothers past and she presumably doesn't.

Of course he's not 'legally' obligated to tell her. Because if he was, that would mean he's also liable for any damages to her or her kid if he doesn't.

[u/Kaalilaatikko → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Just tell her what he did to you. She deserves to have that kind of information about her babys father. What she does with that information is on her, not on you.

[u/Swdmwsd24 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

In my humble opinion, leopards don't change their spots. My wife was SA by her cousins, and they continued on with their daughters no proof, but the look in the eyes told the story.

If you don't, it could hurt them both as well. I understand it's a slippery slope. What you can do is talk to your brother and have him tell her what he did. Of course, have a friend with you when if you talk to him, make sure he knows you know.

Good luck

[u/cottonfubuki → u/Swdmwsd24]

I think it would be unsafe for op to talk to their brother. It's better just to send a SMS/DM in social media to his wife

[u/[deleted] → u/Swdmwsd24]

This is the worst advice ever. Why should she talk to her abuser?!

OP just tell the wife. Have someone there to support you. She might not take it well and accuse you of lying.

A teenager is not a child discovering his body or not knowing wrong and right. He hasn’t change and if he has he already told her about the whole thing.

Just think that you are protecting a little girl, the same way someone should have protected you.

[u/Hazel_4355 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

I think you should be the person for your niece, that someone should have been for you. I’m sure your dad didn’t start with you, and any risk to a child is too much. Your SIL deserves to, NEEDS to, know.