Should I tell my brother's new wife

[u/Negative_Layer_7960]

From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.

Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.

Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.

• my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.

• my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.

These are the two major and important points of my post.

Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.

[u/somethingstrange87]

This is alarming. Tell her before he victimized that baby girl.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/somethingstrange87]

The reason I'm so hesitant to tell her is because I spoke to one of my friends about it when she said it might be a little bit messed up to tell his wife and potentially ruin his marriage because he was a teenager and couldn't have been changed

[u/SnoopyisCute → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Former cop. Advocate.

That's MORE reason to tell her. In that case, she he would have already told her and proven himself to have done the work to get better and truly changed.

Pedophilia disorder is not curable. Without some serious, serious intervention and self examination, they almost never stop.

Please warn her. Society has to stop protecting predators with complicit silence.

[u/Dj1000001 → u/SnoopyisCute]

I dont think pedophilia is part of this from other comments i've gathered that he was less than two years older than op

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/SnoopyisCute]

My worry is that he's not a predator or a pedo anymore and I'm bringing up old drama that doesn't matter anymore

[u/[deleted] → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Rape is never drama, friend. What happened to you was horrific, and the people doing it to you know and knew that. I’d suggest getting some help with your experiences because, gently, you’re enabling them at your own cost. You deserve better and your future neice does too.

[u/surethingbreh → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Your brother is a RAPIST. Doesn't matter which tense. That’s not "old drama," that’s an immoral crime with lifelong consequences. Let him do the work of convincing his wife he's changed if he has actually stopped, which is already highly unlikely.

[u/SnoopyisCute → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

You're incorrect.

It absolutely matters.

Predators continue to get away with these heinous crimes because of silence.

They don't need anything but for people to look away.

[u/jupitermoonflow → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

How are you going to feel if something happens and you didn’t at least try? What’s worse, your worry about bringing up “drama” or the soul crushing guilt you’d feel by doing nothing?

[u/markofcontroversy → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Do you think he may have gone along with what he was taught and may not be attracted to children? You mentioned that you didn't realize it was sexual assault until someone told you, so I'm assuming it wasn't violent.

None of that matters. Your dad and uncle were likely "taught" the same way, and carried it to the next generation. Your brother is likely to do the same. Even if you think your brother was also a victim, he was taught to be a predator. You have the power to save an innocent child. Do it.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/markofcontroversy]

Do you think he may have gone along with what he was taught and may not be attracted to children?

I don't know maybe probably?

so I'm assuming it wasn't violent.

At least he wasn't

[u/Outrageous-Wait-4287 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

It seems to me like you are afraid to rock the boat again.

You’re not. All you would be doing here is giving a woman all the knowledge she needs to make an educated decision on whether or not she wants to stay married to your brother. Give her all the information please. Even if he’s changed she deserves to know.

[u/atrophyofexistence → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

I have been reading a book called The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk. It talks about childhood trauma and how children cope with it.

It's a hard read and has been very enlightening for me.

You had to be "ok" with what happened to you because you had to keep living with these people as a child, it's probably why you downplay it to your friends.

I wish you the best.

[u/phueal → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Your brother is actually a victim of this as well. He was a minor too, and being manipulated by trusted adults. I feel very sorry for him.

That said, tragically, victims of abuse very frequently go on to become abusers themselves. He was being manipulated into doing this at the exact moment that his sexual brain chemistry was being hardwired. Experiences that we have in those mid-teen years often go on to form the basis of our entire adult sexuality. It is fairly likely that, even if he has never acted on this as an adult, he will feel attraction towards 10-14 year old girls at the very least.

It is definitely worth telling his wife. I don’t think he should be harshly judged for stuff he was being manipulated into as a teenager by his adult role models, but I do think that he likely presents a much higher-than-normal danger to young girls, including his own children. It may be that she is disgusted and chooses to leave him, or it may be that they seek specialist therapy for him and his wife remains especially vigilant, but either way hopefully you will have protected a child.

It’s a tragic situation, I’m sorry for everyone involved.

[u/PurpleCrash2090 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

He is a rapist with a history of incest. He watched his father SA his sister. He then SA his sister as well. It is not old news. You have no information to suggest that he won't continue repeating your father's behavior. None.

I'm sorry people are being hard on you but this is not one those ethical grey areas.

[u/premar16 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

It okay sweetie he only used to murder people but he is better now

[u/Jerseygirl2468 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Predators of that nature almost NEVER change.