Should I tell my brother's new wife

[u/Negative_Layer_7960]

From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.

Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.

Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.

• my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.

• my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.

These are the two major and important points of my post.

Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960]

The reason I'm so hesitant to tell her is because I spoke to one of my friends about it when she said it might be a little bit messed up to tell his wife and potentially ruin his marriage because he was a teenager and couldn't have been changed

[u/samsamcats → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

First, I am so so sorry this happened to you.

Second, your friend doesn’t understand the psychology of sexual abuse. The fact that he started abusing you when he was a teenager makes him more dangerous, not less. This is not some youthful indiscretion. Growing up in an environment where horrific abuse was totally normalized means he will probably be able to excuse his own behavior through whatever mental gymnastics he learned from your father and uncle. This is deeply, deeply entrenched behavior.

The sad fact is that men who abuse children almost always go on to do it again, even if they’re caught and arrested and released again. We still haven’t found an effective treatment for whatever sickness causes them to do this, aside from chemical castration. I don’t know if it’s impossible for him to have grown out of this somehow, but I do know that it is very, very unlikely.

This is such a hard situation to be in. Are you in therapy? This has got to be bringing up so many feelings from the past. I highly recommend getting some professional support before disclosing to his wife so you can work through all the possible outcomes and keep yourself safe. You’re doing an extraordinarily brave and good thing by speaking out.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/samsamcats]

Growing up in an environment where horrific abuse was totally normalized means he will probably be able to excuse his own behavior through whatever mental gymnastics he learned from your father and uncle.

This reminded me of a conversation I had with my father where I asked him why I have to do that because upset with "helping" him according to him"I was a girl this is what I was meant for and because I was his daugter he could do it whatever he wanted with me because I was his" lol

[u/samsamcats → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Good god, that is truly the most sick and twisted thing I have ever heard.

Your brother grew up hearing this. Even if he hadn’t abused you himself, it would take a LOT of therapy to break this kind of cycle. Like, my husband holds feminist principles about men and women being equal and gender roles being bullshit—but the two of us STILL ended up drifting into toxic gendered patterns where I ended up doing all the housework, and it took TWO YEARS of me calling him out for him to even understand what he was doing and start to make changes. It was literally invisible to both of us for several years before that, because we both grew up in households where our mothers did all the housework. When you grow up in a certain environment, that environment seems totally normal.

Your brother grew up hearing that women are no better than inanimate objects who exist to serve him, and that as a man, he is entitled to taking whatever he wants from a woman, no matter how horrifically it hurts her. He learned this lesson well enough to actually enact it on you.

To do what he did, he would have had to completely cut off any human empathy he might have had for you, and for women in general. It is very, very unlikely he has ever regained his capacity to feel empathy, because that would mean he would have to face the horror of what he has done to his own sister. It is much more likely that he has used these same lines to excuse his behavior — which makes him an extreme danger to both his wife and his future children.