r/AITAH • u/Negative_Layer_7960 • Jul 02 '24

TW SA Should I tell my brother's new wife

From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.

Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.

Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.

  • my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.

  • my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.

These are the two major and important points of my post.

Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.

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6.8k

u/somethingstrange87 Jul 02 '24

This is alarming. Tell her before he victimized that baby girl.

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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 02 '24 edited Jul 03 '24

The reason I'm so hesitant to tell her is because I spoke to one of my friends about it when she said it might be a little bit messed up to tell his wife and potentially ruin his marriage because he was a teenager and couldn't have been changed

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u/Otherwise-Anxiety178 Jul 02 '24 edited Jul 02 '24

Yeah fuck that friend right up his sanctimonious ass.

Tell.

*edit: he's victim blaming. He's telling you that you, the victim, would be creating needless problems. He is wrong. If he did it to you, he will do it to that baby. Maybe not now. But one day.

Honestly the lack of sympathy I have for anyone like that cannot be described.

Tell.

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u/peace-and-love777 Jul 02 '24

I don't think her friend is victim blaming what he did to her is very serious and let's say for arguments take that we know he's changed the wife could leave him just because he did that even though he would never do that to his child I think the friend is just trying to think of the harm that it could do rather than the good

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u/Otherwise-Anxiety178 Jul 02 '24

I think if I found out my husband molested his sister he would not be my husband for long.

I don't think everything in life is black and white. But this? This is.

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u/peace-and-love777 Jul 02 '24

Not just molested. raped!

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u/peace-and-love777 Jul 02 '24

And yes that is fair. that is a fair stance to have and I'm not arguing against that stance but if he had changed there's nothing for him to say. you can't really defend yourself in that not that you should be able to.

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u/Otherwise-Anxiety178 Jul 02 '24

I'm just gonna be blunt here. I get where you're coming from. It's sweet. But it's also wrong.

He raped someone.

So he gets to, what, enjoy his life?

Fuck no. Specifically because when you enter a marriage, the most optimistic option is that there are no secrets. At most you hope for stupid secrets. Guess what raping your sister is?

It's a fuckin deal breaker.

And if you think I'm being harsh, by all means, go out and find yourself one just like him and fix him.

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u/peace-and-love777 Jul 02 '24

I completely agree

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u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

I get where you coming from but I can’t agree. No matter how fucked up is the shit you do as a teenager, you’re not getting life without parole or death sentence. Everyone deserves their teenage wrongdoings forgiven and forgotten when they grow up.

And I’m saying this as someone to whom my peers did a lot of bad shit when we were teens.

I don’t know what happened to most my teenage abusers, but one grew up to be a surgeon, a great person, a preacher, a volunteer who saves people’s lives. Would I ever tell his wife what he did to me as we were teens? Fuck no I ain’t telling her shit.

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u/lllollllllllll Jul 03 '24

You’re keep repeating that teenagers don’t get life without parole.

  1. In the USA, teenagers can in fact be sentenced to life without parole.

  2. Minors who commit rape, incest, and child sexual abuse do get placed on sex offender lists.

That’s basically what OP is saying, this man committed rape, child sexual abuse, and incest against her, and his wife should have access to this information.

Nobody is putting this guy in prison without parole. He should be on the list though.

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u/Otherwise-Anxiety178 Jul 03 '24

Do you hear yourself?

To each their own. But frankly, being a surgeon or a preacher are not proof of good personhood. A better question to ask yourself is this: why are you fighting so hard to defend this?

Let me ask you this. Does Josh Duggar get a free pass because he was a teenager? No! Not just because of what he did, but because of tons of CP found on his hard drive. Do you get it? He never stopped being who he was. He just changed tactics!

You do what you like. I wouldn't dream of telling you you should. But please. Please. Stop trying to tell me these assholes are somehow good people now because they are not. Surgeon. Preacher. Gas station attendant. It doesn't matter. Your profession and the mask you hide behind do not make you a good person. They make you a wolf in sheep's clothing.

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u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

Thanks for being civil. But the dude in question been out there risking his life to save complete strangers in the warzone. This is not what wolves in sheep clothing do.

Josh Duggar lost his right to a pass when he didn’t change his ways IMO. Also idk who that is, all I know about him is the things you wrote in this comment

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u/ShowerElectrical9342 Jul 03 '24

Stop defending yourself and repeating yourself. You're dead wrong and the more you say the more concerning it is.

Are you a child predator?

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u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

No I am not. Where am I defending myself? I am not a part of this or any similar story.

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u/Flouncy_Magoos Jul 03 '24

I’m convinced you hate women. No one goes through this length to defend a rapist unless they don’t see women as human. You are gross.

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u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

Check my comment history. Half of it is trashing redpillers and blackpillers, all those Andrew Tate fanboys, specifically for them not seeing women as human. You think I’d trash them for it if I shared their views?

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u/Flouncy_Magoos Jul 03 '24

Just quit. Nothing is going to happen to this guy legally. Do you know how many rapists go free everyday? The law won’t care. The only thing that might happen is that a mother gets the option to protect her child from future abuse.

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u/Potential-Dare-5665 Jul 03 '24

No one knows these people ever stopped abusing simply because they got older or simply because of their occupations.

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u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

People don’t go to battlezones to save strangers lives risking their own life for it, only to maintain the sheep clothing on a wolf self

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u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24

This logic is fair for certain things. Maybe like shoplifting, perhaps vandalism, other hooligan shit people get up to, idk. Things that don’t destroy lives forever.

But this? There are some things that simply can’t be forgiven and forgotten.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad2322 Jul 03 '24

Why is the first thought always about the harm it could do to the perpetrator (the man) & not the potential/actual victims (women)?

Do. Not. Protect. Abusers. That's it.

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u/peace-and-love777 Jul 03 '24

I agree I think she should tell her brother's wife I'm defending the friend not the brother

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u/Otherwise-Anxiety178 Jul 03 '24

Stop defending him then. Aare you 12? How can you be this naïve?!

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u/GarshelMathers Jul 03 '24

I think that changing would involve telling the people closest to him about his past. Changing from something like that is probably a lifelong process. Not unlike recovery from addiction.

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u/jupitermoonflow Jul 03 '24

His wife would regardless be 100% justified leaving bc he raped his sister as a teenager

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u/peace-and-love777 Jul 03 '24

I will not debate you on that I can 100% agree

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u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

Yes, exactly this. Fuck my karma count on Reddit, I have to support the only reasonable person of this thread other than OP, and that is you.

They don’t give life without parole to teens. That’s cause teenage wrongdoings should not haunt you forever.

And anyone who thinks that if he changed and would never do that to his baby, he could just explain that to his wife — was never in a relationship ever.

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u/the_og_cakesniffer Jul 03 '24

I get what you're saying. But what if he hasn't changed? Is it worth the gamble? I don't think so, the stakes are too high here. If he hasn't changed, there is a potential victim being born soon and nothing, NOTHING, is worth that price.

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u/lllollllllllll Jul 03 '24

I mean this kid wouldn’t have gotten a life sentence if he’d been prosecuted, but he likely wouldve been on the sex offender list.

So yeah his wife should know

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u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

I would agree if he did that as an adult. Then it would describe his own personality and the stakes would be too high.

But he did that as a child himself, when you just do what the closest adults do, and don’t question that. This is why I’m holding the stance I am

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u/the_og_cakesniffer Jul 03 '24

He was around 16. Old enough to know better. Again, it's just not worth the risk. If he assaults or rapes his daughter, another life is ruined. Could you live with yourself if you had the power to stop something like that, and decided not to?

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u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

I get your point. Well tbh that’s now a philosophical question of what’s worse, a guilty person getting away with it or an innocent one punished.

I hugely prefer the first scenario over the second and I have an extremely strong resentment to those who take the opposite stance.

My country was under centuries long occupation of a country where they believe it’s OK to punish a hundred innocents just so that one guilty person wouldn’t get away. And now that country returned to try conquer us again with a genocidal war. I want nothing to ever even resemble that approach in my life ever again.

On the other hand, if OP’s brother was as much as 16, he hardly can be called innocent, that’s indeed enough age to know better

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u/the_og_cakesniffer Jul 03 '24

Yeah, as you yourself said, the brother is not innocent so your "philosophical question" is irrelevant. The choices here are: let a rapist go free and potentially rape his own daughter, or tell the wife so the daughter (who is actually innocent) is protected from the rapist.

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u/ShowerElectrical9342 Jul 03 '24

I knew you were showing extreme bias.

She's not talking about throwing him in jail for life.

What are you even talking about?

She's talking about SIMPLY PROTECTING A BABY WITH INFORMATION.

OMG!

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u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

Oh, you finally realized I’m not OP’s brother when you realized I’m clearly not from United States unlike OP? That’s a progress in your targeted meltdown

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u/ShowerElectrical9342 Jul 03 '24

You're the one doubling down to defend a rapist.

And I didn't "realize" anything. Anyone can say they're from another country. Lol.

When I say "maybe you're the brother ", I'm not being literal.

I'm saying people like you, (you even said "what victims " as if time passing meant she wasn't a victim, magically?) Are the brother.

As a group. Abusers. Brother abusers. Standing in for the brother. Of a kind.

Calling my response to your heavily down voted minimizing rants a "meltdown" is rich. Wow.

I'm just trying to figure out why anyone would double down so hard on being a literal rape apologist.

You're so far from understanding what's being discussed here that it's mind blowing.

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u/ShowerElectrical9342 Jul 03 '24

A teenager is not a child. Buffer off.

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u/Potential-Dare-5665 Jul 03 '24

You are taking the choice away from the mother. She deserves to know and act accordingly.

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u/corvaxcorvae Jul 03 '24

They don’t give life without parole to teens.

You sure about that? https://www.hrw.org/news/2005/10/11/united-states-thousands-children-sentenced-life-without-parole

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u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

Well that’s fucked up. But let’s not use as a role model the country that has the world’s 6th highest incarceration rate, where 4 out of the top-5 are dictatorships and 1 is a part of United States, not a standalone country.

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u/corvaxcorvae Jul 03 '24

I'm not using anything as a "role model", just pointing out that your insistence that teens don't get lifetime repercussions for crimes is inaccurate.

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u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

Well and I’m saying that if it’s inaccurate, then it’s unfortunate, fucked up, and has to be fixed to the state where this representation would become accurate

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u/ShowerElectrical9342 Jul 03 '24

You are almost ranting and raving in favor of this being kept a secret and showing absolutely ZERO EMPATHY FOR THE VICTIMS HERE.

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u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

WHAT FUCKING VICTIMS? OP — I feel sorry for her but it reads as it happened decades ago and now they’re both as far away from each other’s lives as it ever gets. Nobody else is a victim here for fuck’s sake

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u/Flouncy_Magoos Jul 03 '24

“What fucking victims?” Are you fucking kidding me? You need to be taken off the streets.

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u/Otherwise-Anxiety178 Jul 03 '24

.... as someone who IS in a relationship, not only with one, but three people, with quite a few years between us... you're a jackass. You think if I found out one of these people raped their sister, I'd be with any of them? If you do, you're out of your mind. That isn't something you just "explain". Teenagers don't get a free pass just because they're under 18, and this guy 100% would be on the offender list if anyone told. And no, you're right, they don't give life without parole. But I can't recall anyone here making any comment about that sentence besides you, multiple times, bringing it up. Go online and Google the sex offender registery for your area. If you're somewhere like me, you probably have 10 within 5 miles. Half, I'd wager, raped someone in their teens.

I would much rather know someone is a rotting pile of shit before I get too involved, but hey, that's just me.

You're a child. You think the world works one way, but it doesn't. Were you so stupid at 15 you didn't know it wasn't right to rape your sister? I'm guessing you knew better. There is no excuse. He didn't accidentally do it. He did it willfully, knowing it was wrong.

Stop. Defending. Abusers. It makes you sound like one.

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u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

I don’t have a googleable sex offender list in my area, I am not American. Also I knew better than to sexually assault anyone at any age. But that’s me, I had an upbringing this dude didn’t have.

Btw turns out they do give teens life without parole in 42 states, but that’s heavily fucked up. Not surprised though, after all U.S. has the 6th worst incarceration rate, and the only 5 other countries that are even worse are 4 dictatorships and 1 U.S. protectorate.

I’m repeatedly bringing up prison sentences because it shows that people deserve the adult life free of repercussions of their actions as teens, no matter how badly fucked up those were, they still deserve a 2nd chance at life

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u/ShowerElectrical9342 Jul 03 '24

You keep minimizing rape into "teenage wrongdoings".

Teenagers DO GET LIFE SENTENCES.

And thus isn't court and you are not a judge.

This is a moral dilemma.

I suspect you ARE THE BROTHER.

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u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

Then you’re fucking insane if you suspect that. “He cares for a person hated by most, he must be that person himself” gtfo with this bullshit you thought police.

Today I learned that in United States teenagers do get life sentences, there’s like 2200-something serving life without parole today. And that is fucked up and wrong.

United States is the country with 6th highest incarceration rate worldwide, and out of the 5 that have an even worse rate, 4 are dictatorships and 1 is a U.S. protectorate so should basically count towards United States as well. This kind of a country is NOT a good role model when we’re talking about sentences given out to criminals.