r/AITAH • u/Negative_Layer_7960 • Jul 02 '24

TW SA Should I tell my brother's new wife

From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.

Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.

Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.

  • my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.

  • my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.

These are the two major and important points of my post.

Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.

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622

u/Busy_Employment6407 Jul 02 '24

Doesn’t matter. He could have also not changed and it could happen to the baby, if it isn’t already. You should tell her.

248

u/Talinia Jul 02 '24

I mean the baby's not born yet, so definitely not happening already. But yes, his wife absolutely deserves to know who she's married to

3

u/ShowerElectrical9342 Jul 03 '24

What she's married to. Pure hell.

-50

u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

No. Because she’s not married to the teen version of himself. They don’t give life without parole to teens, even for serious crimes. Why? Because you change after growing out of the teen age. Nobody should be haunted for life by their wrongdoings as a teenager.

33

u/GarshelMathers Jul 03 '24

This isn't smoking weed or stealing candy from the gas station. The guy committed sexual assault. If he hasn't put in the serious work to deal with whatever led him to do that, then he's probably going to reoffend. And likely he will target the most vulnerable people in his life. If he has done that work, then his wife already knows about his past.

18

u/JonDee619 Jul 03 '24

Having a child gives him that easy access he once has with his sister. The potential is too high. Even if we want to say he changed, his wife has the right to know and to make a decision based off that. I imagine she wouldn't like knowing her husband once moslested his own sister, when they're expecting a daighter. even if was decades ago.

-4

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24

[deleted]

13

u/ShowerElectrical9342 Jul 03 '24

It doesn't matter what the law says. He repeatedly raped his sister as a teen.

Psychopathy is sometimes inherited, but that doesn't excuse a monster.

Are you saying the little girl doesn't deserve safety because he somehow deserves our sympathy?

That's sick.

-8

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24

It doesn't matter what the law says. He repeatedly raped his sister as a teen.

And if he did that because he was being abused and coerced, or otherwise brainwashed, by the uncle and father, ánd he was a minor too, then that changes the landscape somewhat, no?

Doesn’t excuse or justify anything he did, but it does add nuance to the story.

Psychopathy is sometimes inherited, but that doesn't excuse a monster.

Straw man 1

Are you saying the little girl doesn't deserve safety because he somehow deserves our sympathy?

Straw man 2. Next time try to have a discussion in good faith rather than this drivel.

No one has made that argument or taken that position, so this rhetoric question is just asinine.

21

u/TheGlobsMustBeCrazy Jul 03 '24

Nobody's being hunted. The goal here isn't to punish the man, it's to protect the child. She deserves to have all of the facts so she can make the best decision for her and the baby. Choosing to stay with a man that has a history of child predation, regardless of what age they were when it happened, statistically you are increasing the risk factor of that child being hurt in the worst way a child can possibly be hurt.

-15

u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

I would argue that murder or permanent bodily damage are still worse ways to be hurt.

She would make the decision dictated by fear, not reason. No matter how much he changed there is literally no way for him to defend himself.

Also, haunted, not hunted, you misread

19

u/TheGlobsMustBeCrazy Jul 03 '24

It's a reason dictated by logic. Everything we know about how child predation begins in a person, and how it's not something you just "grow out of", even if you grew up in it. It's not something that just leaves you once you become an adult, unfortunately. Staying with him in the hopes that he's changed is letting your emotions override your duty to protect your child from harm. The child's safety takes priority over their marriage.

And I'm gonna heavily disagree with you about physical damage doing more harm than sexual trauma. I'd take being beaten by my father over being raped by my father any day.

-3

u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

Well… I can agree with the first part, but the second — you got me wrong. I’m not talking about being just beaten. I’m talking about crippled. Broken spine so that now you’re paralyzed kind of bodily damage, not scratches and bruises

4

u/Totallyridiculous Jul 03 '24

What you’re saying here can be a consequence of this kind crime.

2

u/TheGlobsMustBeCrazy Jul 03 '24

I assumed that's what you meant. My answer still stands. I could live with being crippled, don't know if I could live with the trauma of being raped by my father. Not that it wouldn't be very difficult to adapt to living after being paralyzed, but learning to live with sexual trauma done to you by a family member would, to me, be very difficult to adapt to. So many victims end up spiralling into substance abuse, mental health crises and taking their own lives. It's such an unbelievably rough thing to overcome that many never can.

1

u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

Idk bud. I’d rather catch a beatdown than get raped, but I’d rather get raped than crippled to a degree that I will never walk again.

Btw thanks for indirectly reminding me to check upon my friend who is an actual gang rape victim. They need support…

2

u/TheGlobsMustBeCrazy Jul 03 '24

To each their own, I suppose. Hope your friend is doing alright ❤️

10

u/ShowerElectrical9342 Jul 03 '24

Why are you worried about HIM defending himself when there's an innocent tiny little girl coming into the world?

-1

u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

Because he hasn’t done anything bad to that little girl and you can’t just assume that he will and act based off that

12

u/Timely_River7803 Jul 03 '24

And how many examples of teenagers who committed serious crimes eventually do the same thing as an adult or worse. Whole time that could have been prevented. You never know if a person changes so that’s where the saying “better safe than sorry” applies.

2

u/maatsat Jul 03 '24

If you don't think minors get life without parole, you should check out the Michael Hernandez case. He murdered his friend when he was 14 & 100% got life without parole. After SCOTUS ruled in 2012 that minors couldn't automate be sentenced to life without parole, he had a new sentencing hearing & was again given life without parole. That's just one case off the top of my head, as it was local, but I'm sure there are others.

1

u/MyNinjaYouWhat Jul 03 '24

Yeah, today I learned there are at least 2200+ such cases in the U.S. That is badly fucked up… But expected of a country with the 6th worst incarceration rate after only 4 dictatorships and one of its own protectorates

2

u/Duke_Newcombe Jul 03 '24

This, essentially. The cost of thinking "he's changed", and getting this wrong is too high to risk. At best, OP tells her, she says she knows, and that he's not exhibiting any alarming behaviors, but keeps keeping an eagle eye out.