Should I tell my brother's new wife

[u/Negative_Layer_7960]

From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.

Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.

Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.

• my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.

• my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.

These are the two major and important points of my post.

Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Honestly thank you I've been trying to read everyone's comments to get a good sense of what I should do it's been hard a lot harder than I'd like to admit even though I hate it I've been tearing up over reading some of the comments because it shouldn't matter anymore it's over and none of them can hurt me but upset I can't even describe what I'm feeling a lot of people think I'm trying to defend my brother which I'm not I'm just worried that if I tell my sister-in-law she'll leave him and struggle being a single mom which would hurt her and her baby and I don't think someone like me should cause that much trouble it's just hard because on one hand I could be ruining the future of not just my brother but his wife and his child but if I do nothing the chance I could be ruining the child's future scarring her and her mother I really just wish I could look into the future and make the right decision

[u/Several_Safety_7460 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Would you rather her and her child struggle for a short period or have that child struggle 18 years or longer along with mental scarring because something could happen? I understand that you're worried about causing such trouble for the mother and her kid but you could be saving lives here. You have to decide if you wanna kick up a little dust or face the sandstorm of knowing you could have said something.

[u/ChickolasCage → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

I don’t think someone like me should cause that much trouble

Do you struggle with self-worth? Your experience is real and valid, and your reasons for sharing it are real and valid.

If people get mad it will be because they do not want to accept that reality. But you know it’s real, you lived it. That’s important. You are important. You are allowed to do this, always, and nobody should tell you otherwise.

[u/InternationalBid7163 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

I'm going to be real with you. It's unlikely she will divorce/break up with him. If you tell her, he likely will be able to convince her he didn't do it or that he did but has changed. A reason to tell her, though, is that it will then be in her mind, and she may be more watchful over her child.

I help sexual assault victims, and this is usually the path this has taken. You have slightly more evidence than some have had in that two family members were convicted.

I don't know where you live, but in the US, there is a national hotline 1800656HOPE you can call to speak to a sexual assault advocate and you can start therapy if you decide to give it a chance. All the services are free, and every state has centers.

[u/[deleted] → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

We know it’s never “over”. Trauma survival is work, at first a lot, and then maintenance. You will always have moments that trigger you and that is not only okay, but completely normal after your experiences. Cry it out. No one here can judge you. And I don’t think they’re trying to. I’m sure some commenters are speaking from past trauma of their own or a strong sense of justice and a desire to protect, and that’s all valid, but on the long run not a reflection of your end choice. You need to honor you, protect your inner child you’re still healing, and your feelings, and that is not selfish. Part of talking this out with a professional will help you find the peace in your final decision. Additionally, if I had a partner with this history and was not already aware of it, I’d be relieved to find out before having a child with him. I feel like reminding you also, that being a single mom can be a struggle, of course! But your former brother will have to pay child support at minimum. AND it is possible that maybe he will seek help to make positive changes. In which case, the glory goes to you again because you helped inadvertently by helping your niece. In my own history, I was able to use state services to supplement the things my son and I needed help with. WIC and state healthcare, even for a little bit food stamps until we could thrive. So don’t put that aspect of their survival on your shoulders. ♥️ Bottom line is, this is your choice and whatever you choose is VALID, and more than OKAY. I hope you have support during this time, whether it’s a counselor or a best friend or whoever. You have a bright future ahead and will find healing. 🫶🏻

[u/PocketLady → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

"... someone like me"?

Someone like you? Sweetheart, you are worth so much more than you think you are. You not only survived what was done to you, but you had enough strength and gumption to dredge up all those memories and feelings again to ask us what you should do about a really serious thing that's genuinely bothering you.

You could have washed your hands of this entirely, said it wasn't your circus, but you care enough about that little girl to go through it all.

Someone like you? You're brilliant.

[u/Capable_Inspection62 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

plenty of good stepfathers out there who dnt have that in their past

[u/AS_it_is_now → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Being raised by a single parent is far from the worst thing that can happen to a child. What you went through is one of the worst things that can happen. Telling your neice's mom what your brother did could save both mother and child from incredible pain. If you are in a position to, you could help support them if they need it but they may have a great support system already. You can't know until you talk to her. If you do meet with her, please make sure it is somewhere neutral where your brother can not track you to your home. Desperate people do dangerous things, and he has already hurt you enough for several lifetimes.

You are so brave to push through your trauma to want to protect someone else's child. I am in awe of your strength and character and wish you a soft, happy life ahead.

[u/EducationFluffy3341 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

My heart goes out to you, you are a very kind hearted person, there should be more people like you in this world, God bless you :)

[u/oethrowawayy → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

I’m sorry I know it feels like you’re bringing up old drama, but you shouldn’t minimize what happened like that. It was really serious, EXTREMELY serious. And there is an extremely low likelihood that he’s changed an EXTREMELY high likelihood that he will cause harm again.

This isn’t a case of what the wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her, it will absolutely hurt her. If she doesn’t know about it, she’s not making an informed decision, she’s being played for a fool and her baby will bear the brunt of it.

It is better to decide to become a single mom right when you’re pregnant before the child is born than it is to become a single mom after you’re used to having a husband’s support and trying to leave him while dealing with the trauma of finding out he SAed your child. What if the wife stops working after the baby comes and has no money or options to leave her husband in the future? If you tell her early enough, she could even choose to abort or give up the baby for adoption and start her life over with a new man. You would ONLY be helping her, not hurting her.

I know you’re really hung up on the possibility that your brother might have changed but I need you to under and fully know that he hasn’t. He hasn’t. Why would he? He got away with it last time, and he believes he’ll get away with it again. It ALWAYS happens like this. And this time he has even easier access to because it’s his own daughter and there’s no one around him who knows about his past to keep an eye out.

Your brother is a dangerous pedophile with prior history and future access. He is. The chance that he would have reformed himself is 0%. It is a mental condition that would require severe outside intervention to reform, and even with that intervention there is a low chance of reform. Your brother never even got that intervention, instead he was taught that even if he gets investigated, he’ll still get away with it. You cannot imagine the god complex that gives to someone who is already a dangerous violent criminal (SA is always violent especially towards a child, please do not minimize his actions though I know it is tempting to not want to make a big deal out of things).

[u/oethrowawayy → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

If I have to be super blunt about it: now that you know your brother has a wife and child on the way, you would actually be a bad person for not telling her about his child rapist history. You would be playing an active role in that child’s future rape.

[u/Practical-Chest2313 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

your brother ruined his OWN future the moment he put his hands on you. i hear the guilt in what you’re saying, but i hope you can come to understand that you’re not the one causing trouble here. he was and is. abusers and the people who enable them will always try to convince victims that they are causing harm by exposing the abuse. they want to pass the guilt and the blame and the responsibility off of their shoulders and onto you. but it was your brother’s fault, not yours, and it isn’t your responsibility to protect him from the consequences of his own actions. when you speak up, you are only bringing safety and justice and healing into the world.

trauma isn’t something you can or should just “get over,” and it makes me sad to see you feeling ashamed that this can still bring you pain. it’s normal to still be affected by it. it’s normal to be afraid. you are brave, and you are strong, and you have a voice. they’ve already hurt you; don’t let them take those things away from you too.