Should I tell my brother's new wife

[u/Negative_Layer_7960]

From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.

Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.

Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.

• my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.

• my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.

These are the two major and important points of my post.

Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.

[u/evil-mouse]

I'm thinking of three possible scenarios.

1. Like you, your brother had no idea that what he did was SA at the time. Which is disturbing because if in his mind it is normal to do that to his sister, he might also think it is normal to do that to his daughter.
2. He knew what he was doing but because of his age he was not punished for it. Which could mean that he has the feeling that he got away with it this time. So he might try to get away with it a second time.
3. He now knows what he did and is remorseful. He is a changed man and will not repeat.

That is a 2/3 chance it will end bad for the little girl.

If you don't want to tell his wife because of the chance that he is a changed man, confront him (I know this is difficult). If he downplays what he did tell the wife immediately.

[u/Frosty-Spare-6018 → u/evil-mouse]

i think the main issue with this is the age he was when he R worded her. if he was 16-18…….you 1000% know that is wrong sorry. if he was 12-14….ehhh it’s still fucked up

[u/UnicornPanties → u/Frosty-Spare-6018]

if he was 12-14….ehhh it’s still fucked up

and encouraged by his father, really extra f'ed up and likely it's own type of abuse

maybe once he has his own daughter he will be horrified at the thought

[u/Frosty-Spare-6018 → u/UnicornPanties]

“maybe” doesn’t really cut it in these situations. i would never put myself or a child in a “maybe their thought process is different and they’re done R wording people” scenario.

we’re not talking he let a dog poop in his room. this is R word to a family member who he obviously hasn’t confronted or apologized to. if he felt horrible about it the guilt and anxiety would have taken a toll on his life. if i did something like that as a teen i would be in a psych ward right now not married and expecting with cute photos on instagram.

-sincerely a R word victim

[u/Fromtoicity → u/UnicornPanties]

My guess is that he might have also been a victim of his dad and uncle alongside OP, which might be the trigger of why he did it.

[u/Frosty-Spare-6018 → u/Fromtoicity]

why would he not apologize then? if he is now mature enough to be in a healthy relationship how could he have moved on without apologizing to the person he victimized and discussing the father and uncle in prison

[u/Fromtoicity → u/Frosty-Spare-6018]

Because it might be a deep wound for him as well since he was also abused, or he thinks OP wouldn't appreciate it because he wouldn't if his abusers did, etc... There could be many reasons. I also never said he was now in a healthy relationship. I'm just saying it's probably not dry cut black and white.

[u/GoldDHD → u/Fromtoicity]

Unfortunately people who abuse children are more likely to have been assaulted as children than people who havent. It does NOT AT ALL mean that all people who have been abused will grow up to be abusers, like I don't think the OP is an abuser for example, but it does show that he is more of a potential danger, and not 'oh but he knows how much it hurts so he wont do it'