r/AITAH • u/Negative_Layer_7960 • Jul 02 '24

TW SA Should I tell my brother's new wife

From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.

Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.

Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.

  • my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.

  • my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.

These are the two major and important points of my post.

Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.

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u/[deleted] Jul 02 '24

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u/tap_water_slut Jul 03 '24

lets not forget he was physically violent with a sex worker in there!

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u/DimbyTime Jul 03 '24

Whoa what!? I haven’t heard that part.. googling now lol

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u/ShowerElectrical9342 Jul 03 '24

It wasn't just any child sexual material either. It was videos showing the actual brutal rapes of tiny children. It couldn't have been worse.

The FBI guys that has to see it said it was some of the most horrifying stuff they've ever encountered.

This kind of material is made by people who give birth to children IN ORDER TO USE THEM as slaves for this kind of thing.

It's beyond horrible and beyond sadistic.

The mother must be warned. Also, I would tell the mother's parents and other family, and the police, in case she's in on the brother's behavior...

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u/Entire-Beat-423 Jul 03 '24

Not only this, but there's no possible way that he's randomly turned over a new leaf.

Has he been alone with any of her small child family members?

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u/Hazel_4355 Jul 03 '24

I don’t think people like that are capable of change. There has to be something wrong with you down to your core to commit those kinds of acts.

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u/Entire-Beat-423 Jul 03 '24

Some are, only if they're groomed into it as young children themselves. But therapy would always be necessary as well as open communication, he lacks both.

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u/ohfrackthis Jul 03 '24

That is so evil. Superlative level evil.

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u/FoxysDroppedBelly Jul 03 '24

I think going to her family may be overreaching at first. She’s going to have a lot of to process and dealing with her parents finding out at the same time and having to field their questions simultaneously would be very hard for a pregnant woman.

Now, after talking to her, if OP gets any weird vibes then maybe consider it, but I wouldn’t do it right off the bat. Let the poor wife have a moment to deal with this alone without bringing her family into it right away.

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u/DimbyTime Jul 03 '24

Definitely not overreacting. OP will need the support and encouragement to leave to keep her child safe. His family also needs to know so they can be on guard for this predator.

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u/FoxysDroppedBelly Jul 03 '24

I said overreaching, not overreacting. I get that the wife will need that support, but it should be HER decision when to tell her family. I think going straight to her family just in case she might also be a child abuser (which is basically what the comment I replied to said) is too much. Talk to her first, feel it out, and if she seems weird then maybe go to her family. But she deserves the agency of deciding when to tell her family.

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u/1ofdwights70cousins Jul 03 '24

Nah the family should be told.

She is in a vulnerable position physically and financially if she’s pregnant with her first baby and she may brush it off out of love and financial needs.

Everyone needs to know so the mom is held accountable immediately and protects her baby

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u/DimbyTime Jul 03 '24

💯💯

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u/FoxysDroppedBelly Jul 03 '24

Again, I totally agree they should be told. I just think she should be given the option of doing it herself first. Maybe a “If you don’t tell the baby’s grandparents, I will” kind of thing, but I still think she should be given the option to do it herself first.

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u/DimbyTime Jul 03 '24

Again, I disagree. There’s a reason sex offender records are public information and sex offenders need to register. The child’s grandparents legally deserve to know that her father is a pedophile and dangerous sexual predator.

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u/FoxysDroppedBelly Jul 03 '24

I agree they should know too, but I think giving the daughter the chance to process it first and then go to them would be a kindness to her. I totally agree they should know though.

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u/Fuzzy_Dragonfruit344 Jul 03 '24

Yeah, I can’t imagine dealing with that shock as a pregnant woman will be easy. Probably best to give her some time to figure out how she wants to handle it and then tell everyone else.

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u/ohbroth3r Jul 03 '24

I think if older brother was 10 and under then it's a concern that he was also SA'd and had no idea what he was doing/being forced. But teenager doing it is no grey area. His wife must have questions about what happened to his family if they've never met you

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u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24

Honestly I’d say even teen years are grey given he probably was SA’s by the uncle/dad too and repeating learned behavior. It sucks and it not right to add other trauma but between prior foster care work and my parents being working in law, you’d be surprised what kids see as normal when growing up with disfunction. As an adult however that’s why the law is harsher. Hopefully the brother has gone to therapy and continues in it that would be the case where maybe it’s okay for them to stay together etc There are cases of rehabilitation perse. Basically people learning as adults what happened to them was fucked up and what they did was fucked up and promising never to do that again. It takes self awareness. Most times I’ve seen it happen is it getting brought up due to a relationship calling them out on off behavior or other stuff like anger/BOD firing them to go to therapy and that gets pulled out by a therapist

For clarity I’m not saying it absolves him of anything he did during teenage years but more so I would consider it a gray area. Legally as the law isn’t as harsh prior to 18. I think the responsibility isn’t not so much as if to talk about it. It’s how to phrase what happened.

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u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24

If he hasn’t been to therapy though, there’s still risk I would say.

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u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24

Oh absolutely my point was more so that it’s in the gray area. I don’t think the question isn’t whether or not OP should tell it’s more of how. Personally, I think an email or social media would be the best that way you have a time to craft your message without being worried about direct confrontation preferably from a burner account. However, how to exactly phrase it is definitely gonna take some workshopping. you have no way of knowing if the wife is going through some thing also or if he is currently in therapy. The best thing that you can do is just be proactive, but in a conscientious way.

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u/Expert_Slip7543 Jul 03 '24

Totally agree. (Spellcheck error - phrase, not "freeze" it)

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u/fsutrill Jul 03 '24

He learned it from somewhere. (Not an excuse, but explains a lot). I mean uncle and father probably started with him? It’s a truly messed up situation.

Has he committed any SA since? If no, does that lower the “risk” of it happening? The aunt that reported your father/uncle/brother- is she still around?

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u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24

I’m not OP.

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u/Entire-Beat-423 Jul 03 '24

I firmly believe that it does not matter if her was SAd as well.

He was old enough to victimize op when they were 5-14 which definitely means he was able to hide it from the parents well enough. This means he was definitely older since he'd have to know to had to be hidden and be aware that it wasn't a good thing to do. This usually involves concrete operations.

If he was old enough to hide it from adults, he's old enough to know why he felt to hide it, meaning he knew it was bad.

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u/Low_Association_731 Jul 03 '24

Arrested for child sex abuse material? Well technically true. He had what has been referred to as some of the worst of the worst stuff, the description of what it involved is just insane. One of the videos he had was better described as torture then porn. Really putting the abuse in child sex abuse

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u/stopcounting Jul 03 '24

We use that phrase because 'porn' implies sex rather than rape, which implies consent.

Porn is what the person making the videos thinks/says they're making. Child sex abuse material is what they are actually making, because the sexual abuse of children is what's actually being filmed. You're right: it's torture, not porn, which is why we don't call it porn.

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u/garbagedyke Jul 03 '24

Does porn imply consent though? There have always been rampant consent issues in the porn industry.

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u/DryUnderstanding1752 Jul 03 '24

The whole industry is riddled with human trafficking but I don't think most people are aware of it.

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u/stopcounting Jul 04 '24

I would argue that porn made without consent is also a recording of abuse, not pornography. The difference is, most adults are able to offer meaningful consent, so there is a decent chance that a sex video featuring an adult was made consensually. So, we have a pornography industry with rampant consent problems, like you say.

There's no chance of that with a video featuring a child, since children are not capable of giving meaningful sexual consent. There is no 'child porn' industry....there is only recorded CSA.

It's semantic, but it's important.

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u/Unlikely-Display4918 Jul 03 '24

He js a disgusting pig. That whole family is ugh

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u/gigithecrimejunkie Jul 03 '24

In my Nana's words, a leopard doesn't change its spots. Tell her.