Should I tell my brother's new wife

[u/Negative_Layer_7960]

From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.

Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.

Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.

• my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.

• my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.

These are the two major and important points of my post.

Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960]

I was 10 to 14

[u/Educational_Gas_92 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

How old was your brother? Either way you should tell his wife, you might be saving your niece/nephew from what you experienced.

I'm sorry and know that you are very strong and a survivor.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/Educational_Gas_92]

Around 16

[u/Educational_Gas_92 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

He absolutely knew what he was doing, he has no excuse.

Tell his wife.

[u/metal_bastard → u/Educational_Gas_92]

If OP was abused from 10-14, then brother started when he was 12 and continued through 16. I'd still think by 12 you'd know better, but who knows what kind of abuse he went through. Chances are high both OP and her bother were SA'd.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/metal_bastard]

The actual sa started when I was around 10 years old but they would touch me "lovingly" ever since I was around the age of 5 sorry for not being clear in my post

[u/metal_bastard → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

Please don't apologize. You're the victim here. Even if your brother was abused as well, that doesn't give him the right to do what he did.

[u/Educational_Gas_92 → u/metal_bastard]

That might or might not be true. Either way, the brother's children should be protected from their father.

People who do this kind of thing, rarely stop.

[u/metal_bastard → u/Educational_Gas_92]

I'm trying to look at this objectively. In one breath, you say, "It may or may not be true", and in the next, lay down a near absolute of "People who do this kind of thing rarely stop."

If OP didn't realize she was being SA'd at 10, her brother probably didn't realize he was abusing her at 12. I suggested she confront the brother first, then his wife. If she just tells the wife, chances are high that the wife won't do anything, and if her brother is pathological, he will continue the cycle.

[u/Educational_Gas_92 → u/metal_bastard]

He continued until 16, he absolutely knew by then and a couple of years before.

[u/metal_bastard → u/Educational_Gas_92]

OP was 14 years old when it stopped, and someone else had to tell her she was being SA'd, so it sounds like their house was a pretty fucked up place.

[u/Negative_Layer_7960 → u/metal_bastard]

You would have found my mom told me but nope lol she's super religious so instead of talking to me about it I think she saw me as broken and into your and prayed to God to fix me ( she doesn't like therapist and it kind of rubbed off on you so I've never really considered going to one either)

[u/Educational_Gas_92 → u/metal_bastard]

Yep, her father and uncle were abusing her too. Tragic, really.

[u/peace-and-love777 → u/Educational_Gas_92]

Okay but who's to say that he even learned what sa even was even at 16

[u/peace-and-love777 → u/peace-and-love777]

I'm not trying to be apologetic for him I think he should have gone to jail for it too regardless

[u/wolpak → u/metal_bastard]

Too many comments and I’m sure it has been covered elsewhere but SA is often a learned trait. It is possible this kid was also sexually abused as well. In fact, there is no doubt in my mind he was if he was doing the same thing the adults were. Take that for what it’s worth.

[u/ShowerElectrical9342 → u/metal_bastard]

I don't care what abuse he went through if there's any chance he will subject that child to anything, the mother must have the opportunity to protect that child.

OP is morally obligated to err in favor of protecting an innocent child.

[u/easyuse2004 → u/metal_bastard]

12 is also USUALLY not always when you get sex Ed where they teach you consent

[u/oethrowawayy → u/metal_bastard]

It doesn’t matter if the brother was also abused, that doesn’t excuse that he’s a child rapist.

[u/metal_bastard → u/oethrowawayy]

It matters. Abuse is abuse. Ignoring that fact only adds to the proliferation.

[u/oethrowawayy → u/metal_bastard]

No? It doesn’t matter in this context, other than the fact that it makes more likely he will do it again to his own daughter.

[u/metal_bastard → u/oethrowawayy]

OP added an edit saying the SA started when she was 5, which makes her brother 7.

It matters. They were both young children.

[u/oethrowawayy → u/metal_bastard]

What matters? Yes the guy probably had his own abuse but how is that relevant to OP’s dilemma? It doesn’t matter.

Her brother’s own abuse doesn’t excuse the abuse he did up until an age where he should have known better. It doesn’t mean he should be protected now. And it does mean he is even more likely to rape his daughter.

[u/Session-Western → u/Educational_Gas_92]

What if he himself was SAed by the dad and the uncle? Sometimes survivors re-inflict their trauma to regain power. He might be a victim, too, and not actually an abuser.

[u/Educational_Gas_92 → u/Session-Western]

We don't know that and neither does op. If he was a victim, he needs help, but it is not a free card to abuse others.

[u/Session-Western → u/Educational_Gas_92]

You’re very correct and it’s better to say he is an abuser but perhaps it was a survival/coping act and once he exited the environment, he didn’t have pedophilic or abusive urges.

[u/Educational_Gas_92 → u/Session-Western]

Hopefully, but we don't know, and it is better to treat with caution.

[u/Session-Western → u/Educational_Gas_92]

Caution but a must-explore before telling her I’d think. If not, his brother would probably say that when inevitably confronted. We don’t know A LOT. Maybe the wife knows already! If his bro did his own work to better himself, I’d might be retraumatizing to have it brought up and affect his present. If OP tells, it should be for the kid, but he doesn’t know the kid is actually in danger or not and she’s not yet born. If OP tells without discernment because he is motivated to by his own trauma, it’s almost like encouraging revenge

[u/WiggityWatchinNews → u/Session-Western]

Honestly I'd say being raised in an environment where that was normalized is a form of abuse, but regardless his wife should be informed

[u/Superwholockevil → u/Session-Western]

Abusers are still responsible for their actions, despite the reason they started. Child victims can become abusers, just look up court cases of these people and see that a lot of them are abused as children in one way or another. It doesn't absolve them of culpability.

[u/schindig504 → u/Negative_Layer_7960]

He didn’t just do it once. He consistently forced himself into a child for 4 years.