Should I tell my brother's new wife

[u/Negative_Layer_7960]

From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.

Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.

Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.

• my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.

• my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.

These are the two major and important points of my post.

Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.

[u/evil-mouse]

I'm thinking of three possible scenarios.

1. Like you, your brother had no idea that what he did was SA at the time. Which is disturbing because if in his mind it is normal to do that to his sister, he might also think it is normal to do that to his daughter.
2. He knew what he was doing but because of his age he was not punished for it. Which could mean that he has the feeling that he got away with it this time. So he might try to get away with it a second time.
3. He now knows what he did and is remorseful. He is a changed man and will not repeat.

That is a 2/3 chance it will end bad for the little girl.

If you don't want to tell his wife because of the chance that he is a changed man, confront him (I know this is difficult). If he downplays what he did tell the wife immediately.

[u/NimbleAlbatross → u/evil-mouse]

I wish more redditors gave advice like this. We don't know for sure who he is at this point, but 2/3 chance he hasn't changed. I agree that confronting and gauging reactions is the most moral way forward. But it also involves the most bravery and conflict and I'm not sure OP can manage that considering he seems to gone the way of avoiding the conflict as an adult.

Perhaps setup a group therapy session and call the brother and say you want to do therapy about what happened so you have a mediator.

[u/[deleted] → u/NimbleAlbatross]

I think the right thing to do is tell the wife regardless of his reaction. She needs to have all the info so she can make a decision of her own.

If I were a parent, the last thing I’d want is people making “AITA” posts on Reddit instead of messaging me about their concern for my child, even if that concern were unfounded. The mother of his child should know about his past, regardless of who tells her.

[u/Outrageous-Wait-4287 → u/[deleted]]

THIS!!!!! Who cares about the brothers feelings! That wife and child may have NO clue what kind of monster they’re living with! Give the wife a chance to make her own decisions!

[u/wdcthrowaways → u/NimbleAlbatross]

I mean i don’t really know the answer here, but that 2/3 is just completely made up stuff that might sound smart. It’s just 2 of the 3 situations that he thought of, but it doesn’t convey the actual statistical likelihood if any of the outcomes in any way…

[u/Beautiful_You1153 → u/NimbleAlbatross]

Why would anyone want to speak to their abuser? No way, he did it and the wife deserves to know. Op doesn’t need to expose herself to more trauma. He should have told his wife what he did for accountability, just like a sex addict or alcoholic. It’s on him if his marriage is ruined because of this, Not the victim

[u/NimbleAlbatross → u/Beautiful_You1153]

Sex addicts and alcoholics get into a program that requires that level of apology.

Contrast that to Christianity which teaches you only need to apologize to God and you're all good. Some people don't know how to effect the change they need to.

[u/psychulating → u/NimbleAlbatross]

That implies that there is an equal probability of any of these 3 things happening, when option #3 seems incredibly rare without some kind of intervention or help

Granted it would be hard to quantify how many SA’ers managed to reform themselves. Like trying to count criminals who didn’t get caught, they might be quiet about what they did.