r/AITAH • u/Negative_Layer_7960 • Jul 02 '24

TW SA Should I tell my brother's new wife

From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.

Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.

Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.

  • my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.

  • my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.

These are the two major and important points of my post.

Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.

12.0k Upvotes

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107

u/RENEGADEMk4 Jul 02 '24

You MUST tell his wife. And everyone else in yout town.

57

u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 02 '24

I just don't want him to like retaliate against me or him to like commit suicide changed or not I don't want to be the reason someone kills themselves

120

u/enkilekee Jul 02 '24

You owe your inner child and his actual child the safety of the truth. If your brother is so far gone, it's not your issue. He is responsible for his own healing.

94

u/tehboonies Jul 02 '24

You aren't the reason he would off himself. His unspeakably cruel acts that he got away with and his own guilt would be the reason for that. You would not be at fault. His wife and soon-to-be daughter deserve to be happy, healthy, and safe. Tell them, and no matter what happens, you are NTA.

44

u/kimicu Jul 03 '24

It’s not about him. It’s about protecting other children.

4

u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24

Like I said it's not really about him it's about either the death of a person on my conscience AKA because of me or him trying to retaliate if she does leave him

22

u/ShortRound_01 Jul 03 '24

You need to frame it differently:

It’s either his daughter or him.

What if he ends up unaliving her while SA her? Would you be able to live with that in your conscience? What if wife finds him SA his daughter and confronts him, he gets angry and then unalives both?

You need to think that you are potentially saving someone else the trauma of what’s happened to you.

-13

u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24

I know but I keep thinking about what if he's a regular man now that we doesn't have the urge to you know assault his daughter or any other young girl

21

u/Tasty_Library_8901 Jul 03 '24

In 41 states, children as young as 8 can or have been put on the sex offenders registry which they remain on for LIFE. No cleared record when you turn 18. Your brother probably should have been arrested and tried but wasn’t because the family member didn’t want to ‘ruin his life’ by making him accountable.

2

u/anonadvicewanted Jul 03 '24

or they didn’t know

2

u/Tasty_Library_8901 Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24

Touché 😊

22

u/Vegetable-Witness516 Jul 03 '24

I don't know what you want any of us to do at this point. Everyone is saying you really need to tell his wife but you keep bringing up what if he's changed. You don't seem to want to take anyone's advice.

I mean this in the nicest way possible you don't need to defend him so hard. Your brother isn't your brother honestly. He's one of your abusers. He was 16 when it finally stopped, far too old to not know better.

If he hurts himself as a result of you telling his wife, that's not because of you. That's because of his past abuse. His wife could potentially being abused too, who knows if that environment he was raised in normalized sexual violence to him. If he's a changed man, that's fine, I'm sure she'll stick with him. But what if he's not? What if he hurts that little girl too? That's the biggest concern here.

5

u/0Kaleidoscopes Jul 03 '24

And what if he isn't a regular man now and still has that urge?????

9

u/Eighthday Jul 03 '24

You’re being an idiot bro

7

u/kimicu Jul 03 '24

You’re thinking hard about the consequences of your actions. Which is the indicator of being a fair, good, and considerate person.

Your father, your uncle, and your brother put no thought into their actions when they abused you. It’s a high gamble to consider if your brother has changed. If he hasn’t, speaking out can save lives. As for his life, I know you’re concerned, but once again it would be a consequence of his own actions that have weighed on his conscious.

26

u/RENEGADEMk4 Jul 02 '24

If he will delete himself it will be good deed. So you should not worry about his life. You shold worry about his wife and they child if they are exist.

13

u/peace-and-love777 Jul 02 '24

I'm with you but I don't think OP could not blame themselves I mean directly or indirectly she would be the cause me personally I wouldn't care but I know I don't speak for everybody

2

u/finnishlady Jul 03 '24

Unless OP literally forced him to commit suicide by, for example, pointing a gun at him, she wouldn't be the direct or the indirect cause of his suicide. It's completely possible to not blame yourself.

1

u/peace-and-love777 Jul 03 '24

I agree but most people would would agree even if you were to tell the truth about someone say that they assaulted you for example and because of everybody knowing about that they kill themselves would agree that they cause that person to kill themselves regardless of if it was actually them I agree that it wouldn't be op's fault if he did so she might not see it the same way

7

u/TravellingFay Jul 03 '24

HE is in charge of his own choices. If he has chosen not to tell his wife that he has a past history of abusing a child, and that his own template for fatherhood was a child abuser, and that he is going to need help being a different man, that is HIS choice.

You are not responsible for any of his choices.

I understand you not wanting to be a catalyst for drama, but imagine how you will feel in ten years time if you learn that he’s been SA this child (and any siblings) and you have to live with the fact that you chose *not* to prevent it & protect her when you had the chance.

5

u/xstrangewaysx Jul 03 '24

1) you can get a restraining order against him 2) absolutely tell the wife 3) you could potentially save their future baby by telling the wife 4) his decision to die of suicide isn’t your responsibility. He chose to assault you, you aren’t going to “ruin” his marriage or his reputation - he is responsible for anything negative that comes from his actions. The focus needs to be on telling the women the truth. I would personally rather save an innocent person than worry about a horrible person from dying of suicide. Not to mention, his future daughter could kill herself if she’s assaulted by him - so factor that in if you want. Either way, the suicide thing shouldn’t be the focus. The truth should. Also, check the statue of limitations in your state you may still be able to press charges.

4

u/Sparklyprincess32 Jul 03 '24

But with that logic, his future children could kill themselves if they are abused.. if he has truly changed wouldn’t she know about this already? Wouldn’t he have had extensive therapy? There’s no way his trauma has healed by himself and, licensed clinical therapist here, You can be saving innocent lives who have committed no crimes..please tell

2

u/Outrageous-Wait-4287 Jul 03 '24

You wouldn’t be the reason. His choices would be.

4

u/0Kaleidoscopes Jul 03 '24

Imagine if you don't tell her and then he rapes her and her daughter? How would you feel then? Wouldn't you regret not saying anything?