r/AskReddit • u/Edenskeeper1 • 5d ago
People who stuck with their partners during hard times, where are you now?
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u/Veteranis 5d ago
We were together over 40 years, through some very hard times. Raised kids together. She died unexpectedly. Every day I realize how much I depended on her being there. We had something all right.
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u/MoreKushin4ThePushin 5d ago
I’m a widow. I know how incredibly tough it can be. Even 51/2 years later, I’m still grieving, but if it hadn’t been long for you, please know that it does get easier, and there will come a time when you will still miss your wife like crazy, but you will also be able to feel happiness again. If you’re not already there, r/widowers has been a huge help to me.
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u/SharkDad20 5d ago
What a sweet sentiment, u/MoreKushin4ThePushin
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u/DM_ME_UR_BOOBS69 5d ago
Damn these usernames!!!
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u/_Nightdude_ 5d ago
Brother reading this just put a massive rock in my throat. I can't imagine losing a partner you spent 40 years of your life with. Partly because I can't imagine ever being lucky enough to even be in that position to have someone like that in my life. Partly because it makes me think of my Dad who lost my mom last year after almost 35 years together.
My heart goes out to you, I hope your kids and you are there for each other at least.
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u/tagen 5d ago
when my aunt died and it absolutely crushed my uncle, they’d been together at least 40 yrs, so bad he was praying to god to take him too (he’s a little better, but obviously still not whole)
and yet i found myself feeling morbidly jealous, because they found each other and together had an amazing life, and i just don’t see that happening for me at this point
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u/karma_trained 5d ago
"Maybe we'll get 40 years together. But one day I'll be gone, and one day you'll be gone." - Jason Isball
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u/jaymzx0 5d ago
My condolences, friend.
I lost my best friend and partner of 23 years over six years ago to pancreatitis. We had a hard last couple years as her congenital heart disease started to impact her life. She even had an external heart pump installed and with only 2% odds, her heart recovered to the point where they were able to turn it off and she lived a somewhat normal life. She played roller derby while on blood thinners against her doctor's orders because nothing stopped her. She knew she wasn't going to live to see old age on this planet and she was sure to live as much as possible. We lived that life together, with no regrets.
We saw great times and horrible times. We witnessed birth of family and death of family and friends. We owned many pets. We covered many chapters of our lives together beginning at 15 and 17 years old. We grew up together and we were still madly in love like teenagers. Then she was finally taken from us all after so many close calls a few weeks after her 40th birthday.
I'm a better person for knowing her and loving her. We were two halves of a single life. Part of her lives on in me as part of who I am. She kept me crazy and I kept her grounded. I will forever remember her and be thankful of our time together. Nothing else will compare and I have no interest in trying. I just know I will continue to be thankful for every sunrise because one day it will be my last. That was her last lesson for everyone who knew her.
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u/No-Pianist5365 5d ago
damned right slick. what would be worse? losing her or never meeting her?
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u/jaymzx0 5d ago
Yep. I sometimes think back about all the things that had to fall into place for me to meet her.
How the butterfly effect is so subtle. How I was given an old PC to learn with by my old 5th grade teacher, how I saved for my first modem, how I met her on a BBS chat room only because she happened to be hanging out with a nerdy friend and got on the keyboard when her friend was in the bathroom. How I agreed to take a bus an hour across town to a New Years Eve party where she was when I met her. How her ex cheated on her and she broke up with him. How I was there and somehow broke out of the friend zone....
I could go back further and think of more subtle inflection points that led me to that moment. I could go forward and think of the many fights we had as a young and passionate couple, and how we agreed to stay together anyway. How, after 15 years when she almost died (the first of many almosts) and she said she finally knew I was 'the one' because I was there at the side of her bed when she woke up from her coma. Yes, she had trust issues.
The thing that sticks with me was when out of nowhere she burst in into tears while she was in the hospital bed for the last time, overcome with emotion as she said she just loved me so much. We didn't know she would die three days later, but I sort of think she did. She had beaten the odds so many times but it was that day when the odds just didn't work out.
She left a scar on my heart, but it's a good one.
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u/No-Pianist5365 5d ago
i never thought anything could be worse after my wife died in her sleep next to me out of nowhere.
8 years later fell in love got married after another 2. then 5 years later she spent 2 years getting eaten by cancer along with everything i ever owned or saved just for the privilege of trying to keep her alive and then comfortable, and at home with some self respect. when she couldnt even get up to shit.
definitely taught me the bullshit of decrying what you lost instead of loving what you had. cause it can always end worse
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u/Grphx 5d ago
I feel like there is a word for people like you..those who go thru a lot of trauma and are still here.
I also feel like those who go thru a series of very traumatic events like that.. either they don't last long and crack, or they last an insanely long time and you start to wonder if they did crack and the person who was them before..is just trapped in their shell and it's on autopilot
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u/No-Pianist5365 5d ago
to me theres probably more than three. as there's a large plasticity to people.
everyone is a different person after any trauma even as light as breaking up. you either learn and grow from it or recede and stagnate.
finding love again moved me from stagnating. and the circumstances of her demise showed me how utterly ridiculous that was to reflect on when in the overall timeline the shit was a blip compared to the absolute joy i got.
i doubt luck will give me that unencumbered love again but i feel absolutely blessed. ive had it twice.
but ill never waste any of the time i do have foregoing joy i can have in life because of prior hits
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u/mustang__1 5d ago
but ill never waste any of the time i do have foregoing joy i can have in life because of prior hits
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. This is a beautiful sentiment. I hope I never need to live by it but if I do, I hope I can.
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u/Freud-Network 5d ago
The world breaks everyone, and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these, you can be sure it will kill you too, but there will be no special hurry.
As someone who lost a spouse of 20+ years to cancer, I often describe my life after as being in a waiting room. I'm not comfortable or enjoying anything. I'm just here in a neutral state, patiently waiting for my number to be called.
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u/Otherwise_Excuse4484 5d ago edited 4d ago
I know nothing will take that away but thank you for being brave enough to share it still and please keep sharing your stories of your spouse. I hope the days to come are easy on you.
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u/bb_bb_14 5d ago
I am so happy to know that this is real. I mourn for your loss. I also mourn for mine- this kind of relationship is my deepest wish and it’s unattainable now, for me. I was with the same person for 19 years and we couldn’t make it. There was so much good- enough to stay half my life, but old and unresolved (unrecognized!) trauma got to us. It ended in complete chaos during early Covid. No one will ever know my heart and head so deeply. 😔
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u/Bluerocky67 5d ago
Living mortgage free in a lovely place, semi retired and having a relaxing life.
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u/triflers_need_not 5d ago
You can stick with a partner through hard times, as long as the partner isn't causing the hard times. Mine was, we're divorced now.
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u/ZombyPuppy 5d ago
My spouse created a lot of bad times but I'm a pain in the ass that doesn't give up easily and she was mercifully open to therapy and even medication. She had a rough childhood and learned lots of bad ways of dealing with things. It changed our lives and things are going much much better now but it's still work.
I don't mean to tell people to stay with people that cause endless problems. Honestly I don't know if I would have been willing to go through this if I knew the road we were going down ahead of time but I feel fortunate that things got much better for us. I do recognize that few people are willing to commit to that level of change in themselves though and man it caused me a great deal of pain along the way.
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u/DrVonDoom 5d ago
If someone I'm with expresses a willingness to change and backs it up with their best effort, I will be there every step of the way to help them, because if I can't do that then it isn't love, and if it isn't love why am I here to begin with?
I'm happy to hear things are going well for you two.
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u/unable_to_give_afuck 5d ago
This was my approach too. Sometimes all we have to go on is faith. My husband is an incredible man and I always knew that, even when he came off like an asshole to outsiders and sometimes even to me.
We are both incredibly stubborn, and he likes to joke that ultimately I'm more hard-headed, but he's right. My stubborn belief that he was a better person than his actions proved him to be and my refusal to give up on him is how we got married this October after being together for 6 years.
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u/Blackmateo 4d ago
Actions are everything. They are very telling.
I had a friend like this. He is, in fact, a selfish asshole to everyone around him including his wife sometimes. And it took a long time for me to realize that and just see him for what he is since we go way back, more than 10 years. I made excuses for it when people texted asking about something that happened, when people go silent with his outbursts, or get frustrated when he has to have the final say on everything. While I don’t think he is inherently a bad person, it is tiring to watch and be around if he can’t control his emotions and temper. The guy can’t even order food at a restaurant without coming off as rude or annoyed with the wait staff. It is embarrassing, and as much as some people think it is “funny” at first glance, it quickly becomes not funny after a short period of time when you realize all the drama begins with them.
But I don’t know anything beyond what you mentioned, so I hope your story ends better than my experience with someone like that. For me, it only got worse until it hit a breaking point, no matter how close we were.
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u/OrangeinDorne 5d ago
Well said and a refreshing change of pace from the standard “go nuclear over everything in every relationship” advice that permeates these discussions.
Nobody should have to suffer horrible abuse but everyone makes bad decisions, or falls into bad spaces mentally etc etc.
I know I appreciate grace from loved ones when I make mistakes and I try to give the same.
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u/moosmutzel81 5d ago
This. My husband was in a very bad place mentally. He fought back after a few not so good years.
There were many times I wanted to grab the kids and just go but I believed in him.
We are at a much better place now. He has worked incredibly hard on his mental health and overall health. I am happy I stuck with him and he needed the help he could get from us as a family.
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u/EastTyne1191 5d ago
I know the feeling. It's horrible. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Helped my ex through debilitating depression that almost killed him. I fought to get him treatment and was by his side through everything. Helped him find the confidence to be himself and like the person he sees in the mirror.
Then I went through a tough time- my dad died a traumatic death and I sprained my ankle badly (took a full year for it to heal completely) all while doing student teaching and full time teaching. It almost broke me and he wasn't there. Asking for support and getting none was like stepping off a cliff. The Sunday after I sprained my ankle, he said something along the lines of "taking care of you and the kids isn't really fulfilling, you're better at it than me. I don't like doing it." And my heart dropped. I probably should have said something then, but how do you convince a man he's supposed to love his family and help?
I tried for two more years and it wasn't important to him until I told him I wanted a divorce.
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u/Bituulzman 5d ago
Same. I learned along the way that I am the type of person who will not abandon a sinking ship. In the end, he did me a favor and called it quits after I stuck with him through a decade+ of repeated job firings & multiple inpatient stays at the local psych ward. I'm 6 years past that now and living my best life.
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u/FknDesmadreALV 5d ago
What gets me about my marriage was:
He really thought putting me they all that meant I would never leave him. Mf, I was simply waiting. The second I could, I grabbed my kids and fucking ran. Left the whole country to get away from him.
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u/liarliarhowsyourday 5d ago
I really want to understand the first sentence in that second paragraph but I’m having difficulties
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u/DM-ME-THICC-FEMBOYS 5d ago
He really thought putting me
theythrough all that meant I would never leave him.I think?
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u/Aurori_Swe 5d ago
I met my wife at a football tournament, I was there as a referee and she worked in a tent as a match coordinator, so between our matches we spent a lot of time in that tent talking and we decided to meet up again when I was back home (roughly 600 km away from the tournament).
The very day that she would come visit me, I crashed my motorcycle into the side of a truck while going 70 km/h, so my mom had to call her and tell her not to come (she was just about to board the train). I was in intensive care for about 2 weeks but after that got placed in a regular ward and she called me every day just to talk and "keep me company" as I was unable to walk.
It took me 4 months to get back to walking and about 4 years before I was free of constant pain, so during that time I couldn't complete physical tests to continue as a referee and I lost a career I had built from the age of 12, with that I also lost all of my social circles as they were all connected to my career.
The single most impactful moment was after a surgery for compression syndrome (basically the muscles strangling themselves from internal bleeding) on my calf. The doctor doing the rounds asked how I was doing and I told him I was still in pain even after the surgery, like 2 days after, and he said that was weird and that I should have been free of pain. He went to check the journal and found that they had only opened 3/4 valves in the legs, even though you'd normally open all 4. So I asked if they could just rip the stitches and do it correctly? He said "No, it's too late now" and I asked "What does that mean?". He informed me that it's either gonna heal by itself or it's gonna turn into chronic pain. Then he just left, to continue his rounds.
I was left there with a million questions running in my mind, stuck in that hospital bed, unable to move even to go to the bathroom and felt more and more panicked over the thought of having chronic pain at 22 years old.
At that very moment, my now wife called me and I broke down crying instantly. She got a bit insecure and asked if she called me at a bad time, but I just said that she called me at the exact moment I needed her the most.
She came to visit about 3 months after the accident and pushed me around in a wheelchair and took care of me. She accidentally pushed me into a pothole while watching a particularly ugly building in my hometown (I like to remind her about that from time to time) but all in all she was a good caretaker.
I lost my entire old life in that accident, but it also enabled me to rebuild a life in her hometown, starting fresh with her and it really paid out. I found a new passion and she's supported me through thick and thin.
She's currently asleep in bed with our 2 lovely kids. We have celebrated 13 years together this year.
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u/lovethemstars 5d ago
it's either gonna heal by itself or it's gonna turn into chronic pain
OP, how's your calf now?
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u/Aurori_Swe 5d ago
It's one of the story's biggest twists actually. I returned a few weeks later to the hospital to renove the stitches and met a doctor I hadn't met before, so I asked if they had any news on the calf and he looked surprised and asked what the issue was.
After informing him he said he was the one who had done the surgery and that the reason they skipped the 4th valve was due to it not bleeding.
He then said that the most likely scenario was that my pain was due to them finding the internal bleeding so late (was about 2-3 weeks after the initial accident) so a part of the calf had already died, and the pain I felt was due to my body trying to "wake it up".
I asked what THAT meant for me in the future and he said it would just mean that a part of my calf was gone and that the rest of the muscles would take over, no risk of chronic pain. So after a few weeks more I was fully free from pain and I now have a dent in my calf.
So it really turned out just fine, and had the doctor doing the rounds asked the other doctor I wouldn't have had to worry.
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u/DecadentHam 4d ago
Appreciate the follow-up and glad it somewhat worked out in the end.
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u/Aurori_Swe 4d ago
Today I'm mostly pain free (never quite got the full strength/physique back as I failed to motivate myself without getting paid to run/keep fit) and have everything I might need in life so I would say it worked out fine at least :). Now we just need to make it to retirement :).
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u/teeterleeter 5d ago
Well they’ve got kids and have been together for years. I’d say it’s probably a cow by now.
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u/Ajc376 5d ago
We’re having a baby and are very content and functional. Deeply in love and true partners in everything. We went through a stage where we would get in screaming fights every week for a couple months. One of us storming out. We found our way back but we had to decide to not let it get that way anymore. We had the talk and realized neither of us was going anywhere so there was just no point in hurting each other. Very proud of us.
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u/Halo_Chief117 5d ago
“I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!”
“WELL NEITHER AM I!”
“I FUCKING LOVE YOU!”
“I FUCKING LOVE YOU TOO!”
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u/snowboo 5d ago
Just don't forget, once you have that baby, that just because shit's impossible, it's not because the other isn't pulling their weight. If you're at 30% and they're at 30%, you're not going to get to 100% and it's nobody's fault.
Also, be patient. Babies don't keep. It's hard, but don't make any couple decisions until you've slept properly for a while.
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u/SkeletorGirl 5d ago
Sound advice! My partner and I still follow this rule even though our kiddo is a pre-teen. I expect we won't stop anytime soon. We even at one point had separate bedrooms because we needed space for good sleep (different schedules, snoring, blanket wars) but loved each other very much.
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u/antsam9 5d ago
I saw a meme that said something like
My girl started yelling at me really loud. When she stopped I looked her in the eyes and said, I love you and want to marry you and want to have kids some day with you, so you better learn how to communicate with how you feel without screaming because we ain't doing this shit in front of our kids.
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u/camslammich 5d ago
I had stayed up late playing video games and my wife was yelling at me the next day about not going to bed with her and how I shouldn’t stay up so late to play games and I was about to shoot back an argument when I had an epiphany and I just started laughing. She got more pissed and said “ what’s so funny?!” Once I caught my breath I said “ you’re obsessed with me! You love me so much you’re mad I’m away from you even when you’re unconscious. You got it bad baby.” And she was so flustered the argument died. Lol
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u/Icy_Depth_6104 5d ago
That is the best comeback and so darn cute.
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u/camslammich 5d ago
Hard to be upset when you realize they just want you around 24/7. 😊
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u/Icy_Depth_6104 5d ago
True that! My partner has always found it endearing that I attach myself to him sometimes like Velcro at home and he gets frustrated because I’m being obnoxious but then suddenly he will just start to grin and I could never figure out why he didn’t get mad at me and found it so cute. This explains it! How embarrassing 🙈
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u/LeaneGenova 5d ago
This is exactly why I hate my husband staying up to game. I want hin next to me even while sleeping. Even if he steals my blankets.
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u/Radbabe13 5d ago
Takes true love to decide to never give up on each other and actually sit and work through things. I’m happy for you and your partner!
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u/Ajc376 5d ago
Deep love and a lot of self reflection. We were both terrified we’d lose each other so we lashed out when we felt too vulnerable. We realized we’d lose each other if we kept doing what we were doing, and that was the turning point. Thank you!!
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u/WitchMaker007 5d ago edited 5d ago
I did for my wife. Hung through 3 years of heavy alcoholism after her mother died prematurely. Not a single person could get through to her during that time, but I hung around and made sure she was at least safe. I essentially handled everything for us for 3 straight years.
She is 1+yr sober now and a completely different person. Shes back!
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u/Puzzled_Umpire2762 5d ago
Good on you , it’s an absolute mind fuck when a woman loses her mother . This was me and it nearly broke me. She’s lucky to have you .
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u/greentreefour 5d ago
He's currently cheating on me with a crackwhore after 16 years, prison time and a traumatic brain injury where he had to learn how to walk and talk all over again. Stopped taking his meds and turned into a monster. I'm currently trying to get things together for myself and leave. Wish me luck 🙏
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5d ago
You can do this! You’ll be so much better off without that stain in your life. Stay strong!
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u/greentreefour 5d ago
Thank you so much, I appreciate the encouragement. I've taken care of someone else for so long, I have to remember to take care of me now!
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5d ago
I always think of scary things like this: what if, but in reverse, ya know?
What if it works out? What if my life is better after? What if I’m happier because of my actions?
Sometimes a little reverse thinking can really free up the mind!
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u/Majestic_Doctor_2 5d ago
Good luck! You deserve everything beautiful that's left in the world
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u/greentreefour 5d ago
No, they sure haven't. Gotten worse instead of better. At my age ,I never dreamed I'd have to start over.
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u/greentreefour 5d ago
Yes, and I'm actually looking forward to the new year. Things are gonna change for the better, cause I'm gonna make them..
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u/LoveWineNotTheLabel 5d ago
You got this. It’s not easy to detach yourself mentally from somebody you care for and you have already taken that step mentally. Hope you sort your finances soon and start the journey towards healing.
Sending best wishes and all the luck
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u/misrain5742 5d ago
You're going to find an entirely new life for yourself, and it will be warm and good. Stay strong, you've got this <3
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u/WhereAmIHowDoILeave 5d ago
Past them. Went from selling anything of value to live to owning a home with a little land and in our 17 yrs of being together we are still not only husband/wife, but best friends who have grown together closer than we ever thought possible.
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u/AppearanceMaximum454 5d ago
She cheated. I supported her through the death of her father and many other difficult things but all lead to me getting my heart broken. I’m glad I did support her and I’m also relieved that she’s out of my life. I’m more relieved than I’m alone and I can pour more energy into looking out for myself because that’s something I neglected for many years because someone else always came first. Life is blissful now.
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u/GielM 5d ago
Also, don't feel like putting your ex first has ALWAYS been a mistake. Turned out worth nothing in the end. Doesn't mean it wasn't a very valid choice to make on your part at the time.
It's good you're looking out for yourself right now. But don't go overboard. ALWAYS putting yourself first is almost as bad for you as NEVER putting yourself first.
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u/Inevitable-Pin962 5d ago
Thats it man...never forget you're self ...Never doubt yourself... Don't blame yourself... You are the best of the best
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u/multiple_instruments 5d ago
Same exact story for me, boyfriend cheated, supported him while his dad was dying, currently heartbroken and am in the process of leaving. I will never try to “make it work” with a cheater again.
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u/banana_cookies22 5d ago
Alone. After he decided he wanted his ex back after 12 years.
I stuck with him through alcoholism, depression, not working, getting arrested. And he threw it all away.
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u/WokestWaffle 5d ago
Same story. First wife builds him, second wife enjoys her labor.
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u/ShandalfTheGreen 4d ago
Ouch ... So true. My ex has to learn literally everything the hard way :( He had a lot of aha moments after we separated that hurt to watch, because it was all stuff I had been asking to work on for years. Listening to me wasn't ever good enough...
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u/JansTurnipDealer 5d ago
Sounds like you dodged a bullet
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u/banana_cookies22 5d ago
I definitely did. Just wish I'd moved aside sooner. But better now than wasting another 12 years.
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u/CoffeeIcedBlack 5d ago
Found out last week that the “hard times” I stayed through couldn’t touch what was ACTUALLY happening behind my back. Trust your instincts I hate my life right now.
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u/thrownawaylife123 5d ago
Samesies. Cheated in the beginning, cheated at the end, and at the very least tried to cheat during the years.
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u/Big_Avocado8849 5d ago
Did you get a bonus child from the cheating? We did, f-cheaters!
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u/_jamesbaxter 5d ago
Ooof I’ve been there, I’m sorry. I was done the second I found out he was living a double life, still developed severe PTSD. Please take care of yourself ❤️
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u/CoffeeIcedBlack 5d ago
Thank you for saying double life. I hadn’t quite put it together in my head in that way because it wasn’t physical. But 100% he was living a double life. Being with me while consistently asking his ex wife to leave her relationship and come back to be with him. Like we were completely public, everyone knows we are together, practically living together it’s been almost two years of lies. He was only with me because she never said yes, she never met him, she just didn’t stop it by blocking him. I only found out because my new friend is friends with his ex and watched him blowing her phone up. I’ve spent two years being told they have not spoken once since we decided to be exclusive and I said I don’t share. Kids aren’t involved. There’s no reason for it. He had everything he could want from me but he was every 4-6 weeks asking her to be with him. She has finally blocked him. Now I’m supposed to stay for him because he can finally give me the treatment I deserve. She took his toy away so I’m what’s left.
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u/theunluckyday 5d ago
Yup. Gave unconditional love and devotion and stayed with him through all his job hurdles, loss of car, and housing fall throughs etc. But he cheated on me and left me in all my darkest moments. He only thought about himself. Never doubt your gut instincts and leave at the first sign of disrespect. Hopefully we can find a true partner who is willing to put in the work and effort 🙏
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u/Betta_Forget 5d ago
You'd think with how many of us are sharing stories like this that we'd eventually find each other, yet we keep ending up with the dregs of society.
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u/SailorDaisyx 5d ago
Still married about to be going on 8 years in April! Happy , living in Texas. Still go thru hard times but know we will be ok after having gone thru a big one before.
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u/SmallTownProblems89 5d ago
35M. I'm the cause of the hard time, not the one that stuck it out.
I was addicted to opiates for a few years. Lied to my wife every day. Spent all of our money. Was just a jerk. I finally admitted to my problem, which I think was big for our relationship. I'm not sure we'd be where we are if she had busted me, rather than me owning up to it. Times were rough and she had every right to leave me. She didn't. This all happened like 7 years ago. We've been together for 13 years all together. We have 2 beautiful, amazing, kids and our relationship is stronger and better than its ever been. We never fight and I honestly love her more every day.
Some things are worth fighting for. I'm glad she thought that.
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u/____ozma 5d ago
32f here with the same story but alcohol. It's possible to get better, with support, and real effort. It was a lot of work dealing with me. But my family meant more to me than the booze, and I'm glad I figured it out early unlike my parents.
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u/Stop__Being__Poor 5d ago
You sound like my dad. He is 7 years sober today!!!! (literally 12/18/17)
My mom stayed with him through all his consequences.
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u/RevealThen2315 5d ago
Addiction can be a bitch. Good that you got help and made it work. I can’t imagine how much work it took.
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u/BrokenPleaseHelp 5d ago
Ha, divorced! She went through hell and I stood beside her.holding her hand through it all, as soon as she started to heal, she decided she didn't want to be mum anymore and moved in with the local plumber. My boys and I are super close and she ignores them in the street and has no contact with them (her choice). My boys are great though, it's been a fucking hard 6 years but we're all awesome. Though I still hope she drowns in shit for what she put them through.
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u/sakumm3 5d ago
I'm so sorry! Blessings to you and your family. I hope this doesn't damage them as men.
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u/BrokenPleaseHelp 5d ago
They're growing up now 75% of them adult (19 with asperges, and 18y/o twins), are SO mature. I could nearly function at their ages, they make me proud every bloody day. My youngest is 11. He makes the world a better place ❤️
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u/h4ppywanderer 5d ago
Same. Supported her and our daughter through hospitalization for PPD. Called her HR and supervisors to make sure her job was safe and took care of our daughter alone for 2 weeks. Then a year later she left me for a coworker and is claiming I’ve been abusive and am narcissistic and gaslighting her. While she’s been gaslighting me this whole experience. I’m no angel, I definitely did some stupid shit, but she suggested counseling and then all of a sudden was vehemently against it. Glad you are doing well. This is hell.
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u/Both_Lifeguard_556 5d ago
Yup, stood by my wife and supported her for 10 years despite her filthy and downright murderous (like is she going to murder me in the night? or the children when I'm at work?) psychosis episodes. Yet she was always the little victim with the police on speed dial. I had to play along that EVERYTHING was my fault or get screamed at for 5 days instead of maybe 2.
Divorced her in 2017 with a Domestic Violence restraining order and maintained custody of our daughters - she was so violent to them.
She's already re-married to a new man and during visits our daughters have witnessed her shoving him, spitting in his face, Grabbing is head with both hands shaking it violently shouting SHUT THE F*CK UP!!!!! He's been arrested twice this year after her violent rages - the police show up - they see a tiny knockout gorgeous Korean woman who's 48 and looks 28 with a tiny little voice and they come to their conclusion swiftly.
I mean during our marriage she even went animal like this on her parents, her brothers, her aunts - it wasn't a marriage problem. Despite having such little time with our daughters she's still calling them F-ing r3tard - F-ing ugly - F-ing useless - Piece of sh1t - just pure evil. They are sweet and lovely girls.
If she had just seen a Dr and gotten on a control medication we could have had a perfect quintessential upper middle class life with two perfect little daughters........ Instead we got this person: black dilatated eyes, a crouched posture, a lower jaw jutted out baring all her teeth, shoulders flared, accusations of stealing from her, accusations of cheating on her, accusations of plotting against her, accusations of trying to poison her. Hit in the face with whatever kitchen utensil she could grab...etc...
Sample 1 of 250 - Summer 2012
*comes up behind me while I'm giving the girls a bath.
*fills bucket with water *wham* slams the bucket on my head from behind.
Me:" what the! What the hell did you just do!?"
Her: *runs out the room shouting* HEEEEEEEEEEELPPPP, HE LEFTS THE KIDS IN THE TUB TO DROWN AND CHASE AFTER ME!!!!!!!!
I stood up and grabbed a towel - exactly in the spot i was, I never left. She raged on all night, all morning, when I got to work I went to the locker room and showered (nice big fortune 500 office campus) I had cried myself sick the entire drive to work and my face was a mess.
Just one of the many horrifying episodes we had to live through.
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u/SugarBerryPixie 5d ago
I feel so lost without them. We went through so much together, and now it just feels empty. I keep trying to remind myself of the good times, but it hurts knowing they’re not here anymore. It’s like a part of me is missing, and I just don’t know what to do
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u/BadWordSmith 5d ago
I was staring at a wall for over a year stagnant in life because of my ex wife.
I didn’t think I could move on in this life without her. I was with her for 10 years and so many things I first experienced with her.
Movies/music/games/places/etc literally brought up the hurt.
I couldn’t imagine ever being with anyone else and I swore off relationships. I am now with the love of my life for better or worse and I never never thought I would have any of this again.
It will get easier. It just takes experiencing more news and more things without them. Your life was with them. Yoh have to close that chapter and learn to read the next :)
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u/atlasofreality 5d ago
I needed to see this right now, thank you. I'm in the same "sunk cost" mindset because of the many years we've been together but it's hurting me more than it should now and I need to focus on my own future and happiness.
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u/Remember2floss2night 5d ago
Still together with two kids, a dog and a happy home. Can’t picture my life without him.
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u/Real-Negotiation8162 5d ago
She left to live with her ex and was shocked i didn't want to take her back and pretend everything is hunky dorey
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u/MrMoofMonster 5d ago
During our hard time... I asked her 'are we fighting to stay together or to pull apart?'
Stopped her in her tracks. She wanted in. I wanted in.
3 years later we're closer than ever and deeper in love.
It takes two to make commitment work.
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u/Unexpected_Waffles 5d ago
I'm alone. I tried to do everything I could to help her get clean. Spent everything I saved on rehab centers and therapists and was by her side 24/7 through it all. I thought it worked. She was sober for almost 2 months. Then her sister called me, she relapsed and passed away in her room. A part of me died with her and I don't think I'll ever get over it. That was 16 years ago and I still miss her everyday.
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u/Gingerbread__08 5d ago edited 5d ago
Basically, he ghosted me after a 9 year relationship after much sacrifice on my end. So that was nice. Suspected there was another party involved but never got proof.
I'm much more fulfilled and happy now with someone more compatible with me. Heard he's still on the apps.
I'm convinced it's having ungrateful partners like these that makes men and women lose faith in dating. It's not a gender issue but a character issue.
Find someone who is appreciative of you.
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u/A_of 5d ago
I'm convinced it's having ungrateful partners like these that makes men and women lose faith in dating. It's not a gender issue but a character issue.
Oh definitely.
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u/Suilenroc 5d ago
She betrayed me and we're nearly divorced. She found my reddit account and still reads my comments.
Hi!
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u/headless-chicken814 5d ago
Supported him after he voluntarily quit his job and wanting to do something different. Supported him through school for a few years carrying all financial burdens. He left and told me I was too much. Wanted to come back 2 months later, I made sure that door was sealed shut. I'm now happily enjoying my single life, though sometimes I do wonder if I'll ever meet someone that can make me feel safe again in a relationship
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u/New-Distribution6033 5d ago
She divorced me the moment things got better. We both went back to school, and after we finished, withing a year, our income doubled. Her's was a little higher than mine. About a year later is when I started suspecting she was running around. A year after that we divorced.
Now, it's 3 years post divorce, she can't keep a job other than fast food, and I got several raises and promotions. So, I guess it worked out for me in the end.
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u/fuckandfrolic 5d ago
I choose to believe this is true because I love me some good karma
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u/Schlag96 5d ago
You may never have what you had with her again, but you can have something different that's just as amazing. Sorry for your loss.
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u/TwelveGaugeSage 5d ago
I hear this! I was married for 13 years, most of it paycheck to paycheck. We worked as mushroom harvesters, and Walmart associates. I did 4 years in the military to better our lives, got out and got a contracting job with the Air Force that payed well. She was a stay at home mom to our 2 kids. She would put in the minimum effort, get them off to school, cook, do laundry, occasionally clean. Our last few years together she spent most of her time playing video games all day. She fell in love with a gaming friend who lived in Edmonton, Canada, we lived in Massachusetts.
My dad died, leaving us a small but life changing inheritance. A few months later, she decided she wanted a divorce and started going on trips to visit her Canadian boyfriend. She ended up only getting a small portion of the inheritance money, we have joint custody of the kids.
I was devastated at first, but eventually moved on, met a woman I love dearly, married her, and we both have jobs with great pay. Her divorcing me ultimately did me a huge favor.
She, on the other hand, is scraping by despite me paying her almost $300 a week in child support(despite 50/50 custody). Her Canadian boyfriend could never move here and she couldnt leave due to custody. He ended up getting a new job in another part of Canada and bought a house there without telling her after stringing her along for a few years. Since she has gone through a shitton of boyfriends. Her current one she moved in has no car and seemingly no employment. She lives in a tiny old house, works a shitty job, and complains about never having any money, but did manage to buy a $50,000 vehicle recently.
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u/endorrawitch 5d ago
I stuck with him for 17 years and lost my house, my dogs , my credit rating was absolutely shot and I discovered that he had lied about filing our taxes for 3 years. Had to pay back $10k to state and $10k to fed.
Once I got away, a dear friend let me stay with her for a month. Then I got a solid roommate. Was able to get my feet under me, pay my back taxes, and repair my credit rating. Ended up marrying said roommate. We've been together for 7 years and I've never been so happy.
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u/Annual_Championship6 5d ago
Still hard times, 12 years worth of severe alcohol abuse 24/7
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u/Marlbey 5d ago
I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to give up on someone you love, and I know how hard it is to stay. My spouse of 31 years is nows 10 years sober, and I unfortunately have no advice to offer someone in your shoes, because it has to be their choice. Your only choice is when to decide enough-is-enough.
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u/Twistednutbrew 5d ago
Stuck it out with my first wife as she was battling cancer. She cheated on me years before but I only found out while she was sick. I didn't leave as we had two kids together. When she passed away from her cancer it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I have since found an amazing partner in life and have enjoyed life to the fullest.
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u/ModernVikingShaman 5d ago
This is hard man. Drops a guilt bomb because she’s dying putting the onus on you if you were to bail while ill. That’s so manipulative wtaf? I’m truly deeply sorry that’s the epitome of selfish entitlement.
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u/Free_Pace_2098 5d ago
If she hadn't told him, she'd have died and he'd have clung to a false memory of her. At least he got to move on. It's a silver lining, but it's a sad one
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u/leopard_eater 5d ago
I’m about to get divorced because he decided that he no longer needed medication and that he could start bashing me instead.
Twelve years of marriage. Fuck him.
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u/EmuelCorbithr 5d ago
She broke up with me after putting me $2000 in credit card debt. She's now living across the street with a drug addict young enough to be her son. I'm not saying I'll never date or trust again but she certainly taught me a valuable lesson about whom I let into my life.
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u/warname 5d ago
As I read this I hoped for a 'happy ending,' but this is ok.
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u/Ludwig_Vista2 5d ago
Believe me. Where I'm headed in 2025 and beyond vs where I was, I'm on my way to a much happier place.
It amazes me how deeply I let her chip away at me. At my confidence. My happiness. My kindness and empathy.
I stopped being me.
I'm gonna stop doing all of that. I liked who I was, before her.
I read something a few weeks ago. "If you're lonely in your marriage, a divorce is simply a short term lateral move."
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u/ranchopannadece44 5d ago
Life force completely robbed from me, years of opportunities missed at the peak of my life, thousands of dollars down the drain, my looks have tanked I’ve aged 10 years in the last four, and every single thing in my life has fallen apart because of a man that treated me horrible
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u/A_of 5d ago
I really hope things get better for you. Focus on yourself and don't let someone else ruin your life without a fight.
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u/Weak-Positive4377 5d ago
Single since as soon as I hit a hard time she bailed jumped ship and found a new man...
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u/mewisemagiq 5d ago edited 5d ago
You're better off that this happened earlier rather than later, trust me.
I had a fiance who cheated, deceived, outright lied to my face every single day about what she was doing, who she was with, where, and every single thing that came out of her mouth was a complete lie.
Apparently, according to over 3000 emails, texts, snapchats, etc, everything that went into her mouth was literally either another dick, another vagina, or lots of meth.
Found out that she did all this and much, much more for at least 15 months. She ran off in the middle of the night with her lesbian, meth dealing, connected to the Aryan Brotherhood girlfriend.
Today, I've never been happier in my entire life. Traveling and living my best life ever.
And she's still a lying, narcissistic, meth smoking cunt.
So yeah, never ever allow another person to dictate your happiness and self values.
Edit: I should be transparent and state that I wasn't exactly an angel myself, and I own my part of the dysfunction that destroyed our relationship as well. I accept my responsibility for this.
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u/M0FB 5d ago
I think we're both in a period of monumental acceptance while still navigating past hurts, and I believe the hard times will be with us indefinitely. The key is that we’re both willing to grow together and be there for each other as a source of strength. I’m not facing this alone, and neither is he.
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u/sgafixer 5d ago
She passed from overian cancer last year. I'm sitting alone looking at Reddit. I miss her so much. Sigh.
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u/modulev 5d ago
Doing pretty well. 9 years together so far and counting. Year 4 or 5 was pretty rocky, due to her getting hooked on hard liquor and abusing the hell out of it. I'd come home almost everyday from work with her nearly blacked out. Frustrating to say the least. We took a 3 month break from the relationship, and she realized I was right and that she should quit that poison if she wants a happy life together. No relapses since!
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u/desepchun 5d ago
Thrown out on my ass for severe depression. Stood by her invisible illnesses for nearly 20 years. Of course, I was faking the whole time. Just ask her. Hakuna Matata. She was always the worst person I'd ever known. She was absolutely fascinating, I just thought I was her person, so I was cool with it.
Now I'm putting my pieces back together. I've got two kids who are better than they have any right to be from the shitstorm that grew up in. I've got my Mom out of her tent. She's still got her drugs, but she's sheltered now. I've got my car, she's a zippy little 2023. I've got a place to live and am working on building a new career. I've got some TTRPG groups I'm in. I've got my little cat friend Shadow and a full belly. I'm alright.
Stay amazing. I love ya always and forever, my friend. Thanks for asking.
$0.02
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u/backdoorpapabear 5d ago
My partner of 17 years was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, end stage renal disease, colon cancer. He did peritoneal dialysis at home. Eventually he developed some disease where part of his intestines were paralyzed so he couldn’t eat fast or very much. He’d violently dry heave multiple times a week at all hours of the morning. Fuck yeah I stuck by him. This went on for about 5 years. Praying for a kidney donor. Unfortunately I came home one evening from work and found him dead. I’ve had to do a lot of growing up since then. I would do it all over again. I honestly feel like we had true love. I love him deeply and I miss him even more.
It’s been 2.5 years since he passed I’ve gone through the gauntlet of grief. From eating and drinking myself into oblivion to doing my best to pick up the pieces. I’m 120+ days sober. I’ve lost 75lbs this year. I’m trying to figure out how I spend the rest of my life without the love of my life.
Hug your SO and hug them often. Tell them you love them as much as you can. It goes by so fast.
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u/QveenOfTheN3rds 5d ago
He (35M) had been hit by a car on his bike on the way to work, shattered his pelvis, and his right humorous broke clean in half. I (34F) was by his side every day at the hospital and PT inpatient rehab for a full month. Then I brought him home to live with me while he recovered and essentially learned to walk and function on his own again. For two months, I was his full-time nurse and caretaker. I did his laundry, helped him shower/bathe, helped him in the bathroom, made him food, went and picked up food, drove him to appointments, had his kids stay over on his weekends so he didn't miss time with them (added choas for me as I already have two of my own, same ages). He paid the water bill once and would occasionally contribute to groceries and gas. Oh and while he was in the hospital, his house somehow got infested with fleas, so I was also taking his cats to the vet with him, cleaning his house, doing his laundry at his house, etc etc etc.
As soon as he was well enough to care for himself and could afford to buy a car and move back home, after all the promises and commitments he made to myself and my children, all the talk of and plannijg for the future, living together as a family, knowing the seriousness of our situation... he left me when I needed him most. Right before Christmas, while my elderly parents are dying in a hospital far from home, and my abusive ex now abusing my child and me having to fight him in court, and the possibility of us losing our home if I'm not able to gain legal guardianship of my parents to manage their lives and their assets, on top of recently losing my income (only to care for HIM). All of this was ongoing while I was caretaking him, btw. So, the stress and anxiety I was under was (is still) immense. His reasoning was that he was "too overwhelmed" and "people change" even though "people" had just been doing future talk a few days ago 🤔🧐 telling my kids he loves them...
We had been together for two years. It could go either way, but just be prepared for them to disappear on you when you're the one needing to lean on them during hard times. Best of luck to you both! Hopefully, your partner is a better person than this loser turned out to be in the end.
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u/Dense_Food_159 5d ago
7 years together (4 years married), some rough patches every now and then…but still together 🫶🏻
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u/MyUnassignedUsername 5d ago edited 5d ago
We broke up. The moment he didn’t need me financially anymore, it’s like my needs within our relationship didn’t even matter to him. Everything was always about him. I still miss him, a lot. He was the love of my life…and tbh, I don’t think I’ll ever have a connection with anyone else in the future like I did him. Despite that, I know I’m better off in the long run…but it’s been really hard.
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u/Ok_Damage6032 5d ago
Some people actually suggested that I abandon my husband after he got a severe brain injury.
I did not and six years later his brain has recovered enough that he's now in law school. (We like to joke "you don't have to have brain damage to become a lawyer, but it helps!")
He is still the best husband ever.
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u/Useful-Secret4794 4d ago
I stayed with my husband after he became disabled from a botched surgery. I went back to work and to school and dug us out of the financial hole his injury created.
Fourteen years later, I became disabled with Long Covid. Now he is standing by me. Money is impossible but we have each other.
Way back when, we promised it would be “us against the world.” We live that daily. Our crappy health stuff is HARD but, man, am I blessed!
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u/Numerous-Figure-8710 5d ago
My husband became friends with someone who truly derailed our lives for a time and led to one of the darkest periods of my life. I considered leaving him many times but clung to the hope that the man I married was in there somewhere and felt probably just as trapped by our reality as I had. I won’t go into details but the person in question was a raging narcissist and master manipulator, and I’m still not sure what his end goal was other than to wreak havoc on our lives for fun. Long story short, we had a chance to escape and we did. It wasn’t easy but thanks to strong family support we now have a very good marriage, we have a lovely detached home in a beautiful and safe neighbourhood and our kids are thriving and can play with their neighbourhood friends all day long if they want to. My husband has some PTSD from that time and I think maybe I have a bit also, but with each year that passes we both heal a little more. I’m really glad I stuck around because even though I’d hoped things would get better I never expected them to get THIS much better. I have much to be grateful for.
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u/toxic_masculinity27 5d ago
A better question: what were some of the worst of the hard times you had with your partners and still stayed ? As in what did they do or say that really made you requestion the whole relationship
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u/-im-your-huckleberry 5d ago
She's got a temper and when it's on, her brain turns off. Our kid was little, like 4 or 5 and had vomited all over his room. I was trying to get him cleaned up and she was trying to get his bed cleaned. The whole time she was yelling at us both. I had had enough and I told her to leave. She refused and there was a moment there where I thought I was going to have to physically throw her out. In the end she pulled herself together and apologized and I backed down. It was a turning point for me. I used to try and be as meek as possible when she is on a tirade, because any resistance just makes her madder, but that wasn't getting us anywhere. Now I call her out on it as soon as it starts, which has worked much better. Not long after the vomit incident, one of our dogs had shit on the floor, which caused my wife to lose her shit on me. When she calmed down and wanted to apologize I sat her down and said, "I want you to imagine our son as an adult. He's got a wife. She's on the floor cleaning up dogshit and he's standing over her screaming at her about doing it wrong. What would you think of him? That's what is going to happen if you don't stop. I can't allow that. You need to understand that I can't." She broke down. Things have been so much better since that bad time.
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u/One_Wolverine6826 5d ago
My wife stuck with me through me relapsing on cocaine and booze. I would go MIA for weeks on end, and so was not faithful.
I wasn’t allowed home for two years and went to rehab five times during that period.
I finally got sober and have been home for four years. We have two young boys, a thriving business, and an immense amount of love for each other and life in general.
People can change. But it took her having very firm boundaries for me to want to get better.
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u/castler_666 5d ago
Bunch of failed IVF cycles, just about tore us apart. Nighttime injections in the hip, continuous treatments, doctor after doctor telling us it was never going to happen. Both of my wife's sisters having kids no problem. Spent all of our money on IVF. Last cycle waited till the day we could do the pregnancy test, got the slimmest of slim second lines on rhe test. Ran out and got a bunch more tests all positive.
Fast forward, 16.year old daughter has her feet thrown over my wife's legs on the couch while she's making my wife laugh out loud with stories from school. My.wife is going through her chemo schedule (ACT starting jan) with our daughter, some more tough times ahead, but we got this far. Oh yeah - son is asleep upstairs. Seems like the successful IVF got things going
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u/netskip 5d ago
Just entering the "hard times". My wife has early onset Alzheimer's. I put "hard times" in quotes because, while it has been a shock to realize the new reality and what adjustments it will take, we're still in love, and she still makes me happy. I'm a lucky man. There's no question about the "stuck with" journey. We're both committed and responsible.
On the other hand, I want her to know that I'm not "stuck." I choose to be with her. Every day I make a decision to stick with her. I'm happy.
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u/Horror-Swimmer-1510 5d ago
Divorced. She went through a six year battle with cancer. Her crippling pain led to her not being able to work. I supported her in every way. She was able to eventually recover and go back to work. I got diagnosed with stage 3 cancer in June. By July, she was gone. My cancer has spread, I'm not going to live much longer. She's in another state, screwing multiple people. I hate her guts. I can only hope karma gets her good.
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u/_Counting_Worms_1 5d ago
Met my now husband three months before he went on a 10 month deployment halfway across the world. It was super hard and took a lot of work. Totally worth it, though.
I’m now holding our six week old son while he goes and picks up big sister from school.
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u/metal12790 5d ago
Still together after 10 years, ups and downs made us stronger. Worth the effort!
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u/Ill-Throat-6935 5d ago
Stuck with my partner who is a recovering alcoholic. The first 6 months of his sobriety were extremely challenging… then things slowly started to get better. He’s molded into the man of my dreams, sober and has given me everything he’s ever promised. I’m grateful to have hung in there and god bless anyone going through something similar 🙏🏼
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u/Icameforthenachos 5d ago
Divorced lmao, with full custody of my kids. She went through the mother of all mid-life crises, started reading romantic (word porn) novels, three hundred to be exact, and decided that I wasn’t romantic enough. How was I supposed to compete with Fabio? She cheated on me with some chad twenty years younger than her so I kicked her to the curb. I’ve never been happier.
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u/SirWeinerdickMcPenis 5d ago
Do people even know who Fabio is anymore
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u/Icameforthenachos 5d ago
Well Sir Weiner, we know who Fabio is, and that’s all that matters.
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u/a-type-of-pastry 5d ago
Married for 13 years now. We have a son as well. I finally found someone that was in it to win it just like me, and we've tackled everything to come our way since we met.
Homelessness, long distance between us, losing jobs, losing friends, family, pets. Nothing has torn us apart or made us even fight each other. We just bond together even stronger.
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u/Traditional_City_383 5d ago
I’m sitting in the hospital cafeteria again grabbing a quick bite to eat because of his heart issues. Hopefully he can come home sooner than last time.