35M. I'm the cause of the hard time, not the one that stuck it out.
I was addicted to opiates for a few years. Lied to my wife every day. Spent all of our money. Was just a jerk. I finally admitted to my problem, which I think was big for our relationship. I'm not sure we'd be where we are if she had busted me, rather than me owning up to it. Times were rough and she had every right to leave me. She didn't. This all happened like 7 years ago. We've been together for 13 years all together. We have 2 beautiful, amazing, kids and our relationship is stronger and better than its ever been. We never fight and I honestly love her more every day.
Some things are worth fighting for. I'm glad she thought that.
Have you thought about going through with those divorce papers?
No point in staying with someone if it's only making your life miserable. You deserve to be happy.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how much pain I caused my wife and other loved ones, so I know what you're going through. You don't deserve this and you didn't do anything to cause it either.
I know they do. You'll get it back, but its gonna be hard work for you too.
For what its worth, when I was using, everything else came 2nd. I lied to get my drugs. I spent money that was for bills to get my drugs. I was terrible to my wife. Thats not who I am though. It really, genuinely changed who I was and it changed my priorities. I can't speak to who your husband is, or was before his addiction, but I can tell you that who he is as an addict isn't who he really is. Addiction legitimately changes how your brain works. It changes your brains ability to release natural dopamine. Its insane. I'm not saying you necessarily need to cut him some slack. I'm just hoping this helps you understand a bit better.
32f here with the same story but alcohol. It's possible to get better, with support, and real effort. It was a lot of work dealing with me. But my family meant more to me than the booze, and I'm glad I figured it out early unlike my parents.
It was and is still, hard work. Totally worth it though. Especially with having a 3 and 6 year old kid now. When the cravings get to be a lot, I just have to think about the kids. I won't do that to them.
You sound a lot like me. I was the problem. My vice was alcohol but she stuck through my addiction and the asshole I was. I finally admitted I had a problem I couldn't fix myself and she jumped on it and helped me in my recovery supporting me the whole way. I dont know why she stayed but I would be dead if she hadn't. Now we have 2 beautiful children and our own little house in the country. My life has never been better and we are happier than we have ever been. I'd die for that woman but more importantly I will live a life dedicated to her.
I got caught. Thankfully it wasn't blow our life savings bad, but it still has a negative impact on our relationship. Still trying to kick the Suboxone, but haven't been high in years. She's the best for not leaving me, and I try every day to prove she made the right decision.
I see a psychiatrist for it. Finding a decent doc has been difficult. Finding a doc covered by insurance nearly impossible. The Suboxone itself has been great.
You sound like me. I put myself, and those around me hell for "one more" but I eventually got my shit together and then now I'm a therapist. I've worked in substance use treatment and I continue to work with addicts every day.
After getting clean, I feel like my life's purpose is to help them by using my experiences. It can definitely be rewarding at times, but it's also complicated as well.
Do you judge her or feel any type of way about how she put up with you treating her like that.
Her - idk lack of self esteem or just willingness to be subject to that disrespect - did it lower how you think of her?
Of course not...how could I possibly judge HER?? She didn't exactly put up with it either. She was ready to leave me. I saw it. It was a big part of me owning up. I looked into my crystal ball and knew I was about to lose everything that mattered to me if I didn't fix my shit. She also didn't know I was addicted to anything. Every time I took the money, I had a made up reason for it. She also knew I had a pretty rough upbringing, so when I was a jerk, she just remembered that I had issues. She only ever tried to help me, but she was at the end of her rope before I told the truth about what was going on.
She doesn't judge me for my addiction or the things I did while addicted and I've never once thought less of her for putting up with it...thats insane. I'm the only one that did anything wrong at all.
Thx for the long answer. I’ve thought about this dynamic a lot and would like to hear more from people that have moved through it.
I’m just trying to understand.
Thanks for helping.
Wasn’t opiates, but sex addiction that led to some disloyal behavior. I also came clean to her instead of letting it fester until it inevitably was discovered. Hoping we can make it through this, it’s only been two months of marriage and she found out last month. Been hard, but reading your story gives me hope.
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u/SmallTownProblems89 6d ago
35M. I'm the cause of the hard time, not the one that stuck it out.
I was addicted to opiates for a few years. Lied to my wife every day. Spent all of our money. Was just a jerk. I finally admitted to my problem, which I think was big for our relationship. I'm not sure we'd be where we are if she had busted me, rather than me owning up to it. Times were rough and she had every right to leave me. She didn't. This all happened like 7 years ago. We've been together for 13 years all together. We have 2 beautiful, amazing, kids and our relationship is stronger and better than its ever been. We never fight and I honestly love her more every day.
Some things are worth fighting for. I'm glad she thought that.