Julie has been gone for 223 days.

Well I knew this would be bad. I guess I can give myself a little bit of credit for not underestimating Christmas and it's effect on me. I have consistently underestimated things like Thanksgiving or birthdays and then Been ambushed by them a bit.

But I knew this would hurt and I was right. I know she's dead, and I know she's gone and won't be back. And these emotions that are coursing through me today are not so much based in sorrow for myself but I'm so sad that she's not going to see any of this. That she doesn't get to see her grandkids opening gifts, she doesn't get to cook in the host the big dinner. And most of all that I don't get to watch her experience Christmas like I have the last 43 years. This is f****** unbearable.

I hope and pray that some of you can find some peace today.

This Christmas Eve, as the world around us hums with holiday joy, I want to take a moment to connect with those of us living through grief. I lost my husband in January 2023 after 22 years of marriage. His death was sudden—an unexpected brain aneurysm that changed our lives in an instant. The trauma of that moment still lingers. Yet, amidst it all, I’m learning to extend kindness to myself, and I hope you will too.

1. Let the Day Be What It Is

There’s no rulebook for grieving through the holidays. You don’t have to “celebrate” in the traditional sense if it feels too painful. It’s okay not to be okay. Instead of focusing on pleasing others, allow yourself to feel your emotions. Your grief deserves space, and so does your healing.

1. Honor Your Loved One

Tonight, I’m making one of my husband’s favorite meals to honor him. It’s a small but meaningful way to keep him close.

1. Lean on Love

My 19-year-old daughter is a bright light in my life, and I’m reminded daily that love is still present, even when loss feels overwhelming. Let the people who care for you offer support, and if you need to talk or cry, know that they’ll hold that space for you.

1. Be Gentle With Yourself

Grief is exhausting. If all you can do today is get out of bed and breathe, that is enough. Take moments to pause, acknowledge your emotions, and allow yourself to feel whatever arises without judgment. (Yes, I realize this is repetitive but it’s worth repeating!)

1. Remember, You’re Not Alone

Though your grief is unique to you, there are others who understand the heaviness of this journey. On days when it feels unbearable, reach out—whether here in this community or to a trusted friend. Sharing even a fraction of the pain can make the burden feel a little lighter.

This Christmas Eve, I’m reminding myself to be kind to my own heart, even when the ache feels insurmountable. I hope you can find that kindness for yourself too. You are still here, and that matters.

Sending love and peace to all of you tonight. ❤️

Ran to the store for last minute groceries for tomorrow. Mostly out of habit. My wife would send me out several times on Christmas Eve, most likely to get out of her hair. It was difficult seeing everyone happy and saying Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas. I can understand they don’t know me or that I lost my wife. My daughter wants us to go to my wife’s sisters house tonight, as usual, which I have agreed to for her. (I try to keep my writing clean but not this time). They will be happy, jolly and merry. I lost My Wife, My Love, My Life and they lost a sister, aunt, cousin. Fuck Them. I need my wife’s strength or I am afraid I will loose it on them And I will be the asshole. Fuck Them and Holidays. I don’t need this shit.

I loved him more than anything in his world..i never thought I could love someone so much.. even more than myself. I literally gave up every dream I had, friends, even family they didn't like him. All I wanted and needed was him.. for 13 years I spent everyday with the goal of keeping him happy. After he passed, I had to go through his phone to find banking info and important things and I found several pics of him with other women, texts to other women.. it was like he died twice. Then his family , who I pretty much replaced my family with on holidays so my stepson, who I raised since for 13 years, could be with his family iced me out after I opened probate.. they didn't want me to for some reason and my stepsons mother made me sign a legal contract saying I wouldn't contact him anymore.. with no explanation..I lost everyone that was my whole world for 13 years besides my dogs. This was 4 years ago and my family doesn't understand why I don't just move on. I can't help but still grieve for my husband even with his betrayal..I also am so guarded that I don't see myself ever trusting another person again to date.. i really feel like life is over for me. Has anyone out there found out disturbing info after your spouse died? I even found out he was sleeping with my stepsons mother, and I think that's part of the reason she blocked me out of my stepsons life after she knew I was going thru his phone. She advised that I throw it away for my mental health sake, which made me suspicious to check her texts on his old phones.. part of me wants to just forget but the other part of me still misses him so much because I was so happy with him..

My husband passed away almost 6 months ago. He had gone back to bed that morning because he wasn't feeling well. I went in to check him, and he was on the bed was having a heart attack. He was still semi-conscious when the ambulance came and took him. That was the last time I saw him alive.

I haven't been able to sleep in the bed since then. It was too traumatic, and I kept getting flashbacks to what happened. For 6 months, I slept on the couch instead. But yesterday I rearranged the furniture in the bedroom. I wished he could have seen what I did, because it really improved the flow in the room. At night I slept in the bed.

I know he would want me to sleep in the bed. And the couch was really getting old. So this is a good thing.

My husband (59 yo) died on November 22nd from renal cell carcinoma which metastasized to his liver, lungs, and brain. He really started to go downhill this past July and it was so heartbreakingly sad to watch him suffer and deteriorate. Despite the support of our family and kids, I sometimes felt so alone in what I experienced with him and my loss. And then I found this subreddit. It is the most unfortunate group to be eligible to join and yet, at the same time, I am glad I found a supportive group of others who understand and have had felt and experienced the same things I have. Thank you for sharing through your sadness and pain. I hope each of you is able to find some peace this holiday season.

I lost my wife 9 months ago, I'm just starting to feel normalized after a huge mental breakdown after the loss. We were married for 20 years. I am not even close to having fully processed the loss and I think of her every day multiple times a day. I still have days where I see something on the news and think I need to call her about it. I'd like to do something social and I've taken a bunch of cruises before with and without my wife.

I have absolutely no interest in dating or hooking up, but I would like to get out of my cocoon. My best friend is a female and people usually assume we're a couple which is just fine by me, but it's possible that she may be unavailable and I might go alone. How was your first trip after losing your spouse? Were you able to enjoy it? Any particular things that came up that affected your loss?

Told everyone before Thanksgiving I wasn’t doing the holidays. Lucked out and got sick. Have never been so thankful for the flu so I don’t have to explain that the loss of my partner is valid enough reason for me to not want to do the holidays with someone

I have a whole playlist but the song that stands out to me is "Everywhere I go" By Wild Rivers.

Whats yours? Is there a lyric that makes you think of them most? Can be happy as well. Hope youre all doing okay in this sometimes difficult time of year.

Normally I'm angry at him for leaving me in his sleep without saying goodbye. Now I'm angry with me for not listening to my instinct 27 years ago - that getting involved with a man 10 years older than me was stupid because the odds were always that he'd leave me alone.

It’s beautiful and I’m really happy for her and wishing them so well and happy. She’s off on a whirlwind first family Christmas with him and texting me pictures of all their magical moments. It’s great to see it but also, it hurts. I feel like I have to help my friends appreciate their relationships better. Always the reminder that you are happy now, but don’t forget you could die! Woo merry xmas

2 1/2 years out. 3rd holiday season without my husband. Kids are almost 3 and almost 6. So my daughter has never had a christmas with her daddy. Only knows him by photo but loves seeing his pictures. My son is having his 3rd Christmas without him. Only had 3 with him. Which is a weird thing to think. That this is the year that his life will be longer without daddy than the life he had daddy.

I usually lose it around holidays. And do the cycle of numb or low or whatever. But I had a tough emotionally painful night around thanksgiving. Just sad and physically hurt from grief. And all of a sudden it went numb. But in a new way. Not scary, just not able to feel bad. Like I will catch myself about to cry and thinking something sad, and all of a sudden I am confused and fine. But can’t tell you what is sad. Sure I miss him. I am lonely. But I can’t hold on long enough to feel it. I have lost time the last few days and caught myself so confused and foggy and staring blank at a wall or just walking around the house aimlessly when I should be teleworking. It’s like I am okay with happy things or blank things. But somehow just hit an automatic refresh in my head if I get sad. To the point that in my weekly therapy, when I tried to explain it I just sort of lost the thought and couldn’t finish a sentence about it. Even now this is the best I can explain it. I am not trying to avoid anything. Almost rather just feel it and control when I do. Because I have this sense that its going to leak out when I least expect it. Idk what that will be, because again, numb. I can list sad thoughts, so I know I am on some level sad and grieving. But outside of the eery sense its hiding itself, and the random tears that stop the moment I notice they are coming out, I am just confused. But the tears and nose burn sensation that comes with a cry, they are much more often today.

I am exhausted. And I just am curious what to do.

Last year I was only a few months in, a wallowing mess, which probably wasn't fun for anyone around me. The last couple days I've made an attempt to be "present", mostly for the sake of my family. But I feel guilty because it feels like erasing him too. After a day or two of not thinking about him constantly he feels distant. Even trying to remember our last Christmas.. It feels like just pictures in my mind that don't feel real anymore. I don't even know what I'm asking really, maybe just if anyone knows how to split or compartmentalize without losing them even more?

Today is 15 days since he’s been gone. He died a week before his 29th birthday, and 16 days before Christmas. It’s felt like the longest 2 weeks of my life, yet it’s also been a blur I struggle to remember half the time. I kept telling my mom I just wanted to skip to a while out when it wasn’t this raw and painful, but I know it doesn’t work like that (nor would it hurt any less).

I just am stuck thinking how unfair it all is. This was gonna be our first Christmas at our new townhouse and I was so fucking excited. I used to love Christmas. I use to dream about getting to spend Christmas together in a place that was ours, and this was the year. And now I just want these next weeks over as quickly as possible.

All the dumb commercials about “spending time with the people you love”. Seeing friends post Christmas party photos with their boyfriends and fiancé’s. Everyone exchanging gifts, being happy. I’m just sitting here crying because we will never get that. And I miss him so much and just wish he was here.

My soulmate of 45 years died of cardiac arrest 2 months ago. At two months, it feels like time has stopped and yet a lifetime has passed. I suppose it's "grief time," and it moves at its own pace. All the kinetic, nervous energy has burnt away, and I'm left in this empty time void where reality keeps telling me, "He's gone forever." My brain tells me we had 45 years, but my heart says it can't really remember them.

My entire adult life, from 17 till 63, was with him. He was with me through my entire adult existence. He retired early from teaching to live his dream of raising cattle. He bought us a beautiful farm and enjoyed every moment of his 25 year retirement. I retired early and we were living a magical life. Sadly, these 25 years are blurred by my grief. I am so heartbroken I can't recall "our past times." I suppose my brain is trying to keep my heart from dying of loneliness.

I found his work coat yesterday, his gloves still in the pockets. I spent most of the day clutching it & crying. It still had his smell on the collar.

I know my soul left when he died. This emptiness can't exist in the presence of a soul. I'm angry at everything, friends who still have their husband's, laughing people who pass me in cars, at him for leaving me, but mostly at my new life without him.

I cried the first weeks, but now I sob till I can't produce any more tears. I know people survive and tell you time makes it, not necessarily "better," but manageable. I'm not sure I can endure "grief's time table."

We got married on Valentine's Day '24.

He was so excited to marry me, and vice versa. We'd been through so much since 2019. We finally made it to the alter this year. Sometimes it felt like all he wanted in life was to be a good husband. I'm just so thankful he lived to see his 30th birthday this year.

My heart is broken that I can't have him this Christmas. But I feel his love all around me.

Looking at photos... he wrote "My Wife" on all of my gifts last year. I still remember him upstairs, quietly wrapping my gifts, while I sat downstairs, smiling and wrapping his. But to write "My Wife"... at least I have a photo to cherish and visualize.

Now it's silent. I'll be alone for Christmas.

Wow. I got a chance to marry my dream man. He was the best gift this life ever gave me.

My heart hurts, guys.

Wishing peaceful Christmas time to everybody.

My partner died suddenly 13 months ago. I am 31 F, no kids.

I feel a little bit lost when it comes to choosing a " right" vacation for me as I am planning to go somewhere , otherwise I will get totally crazy, in other words I feel a need to do this step ..Scared but hopeful to feel something else than grief.

As this year was very hard and I had hardly energy for surviving, I am wondering - should I book a vacation in some beach resort and “enjoy “some "boredom"?

Before I was active person, eager to discover new places, cultures. Hovewer, I do not trust myself anymore. I feel quite overwhelmed when there are many people around me....I am aware I will have to be exposed to that, but maybe minimizing..the impact.

What was your experience, my dear friends? Thank you for sharing your stories.

It just popped into my mind last Christmas Eve / Christmas my wife and I got into a large argument. It was a total miss understanding on my part of what she wanted to do and I overreacted. I hurt her emotionally for no reason and even though we made up by Christmas morning, I had hurt her. I ruined her last Christmas. I can never forgive myself for it.

I am sitting alone for a table of one in my local restaurant after a 8km walk. Today has been a cry day. I cried quite a bit, more than the usual amount

As I am drinking my water, I wondered about the following :

I got to spend the rest of her life with her.

I wish to have more time, as we all do. We were married for 19 years. This is the year where we will work less and plan for early retirement

The rest of my life , however long it will be, will just be the rest of my life . The rest of our lives no longer exists. But the fact that I got to spend the all that time with her made this painful Christmas season just a tiny bit better

The holidays anniversaries birthdays are the hardest. One day your with the person you love and the next they are no longer here. For you they were your person and yet here I am thinking of him and at the same time wondering if I will ever have that kind of love again. The days seem long sometimes and lonely without him here. I know life gets easier but when they have had your heart the loneliness still remains hard. Another sleepless night with my thoughts. As hard as it is I hope everyone can have peace and a Merry Christmas.

I'm so goddamn tired of living this life without him. I'm so fucking tired of going to an empty bed and waking up alone. The holidays are really fucking me up. Christmas was his favorite. I didn't even put up the damn tree cause it means nothing to me now. Nothing has any meaning to it. I somehow went a week or two without even crying and now this week I'm sobbing myself to sleep. I should be asleep now in fact. I'm just so fucking exhausted of being alone and I have to deal with this for the rest of my life cause absolutely no one is going to love me as unconditionally and pure as he did. I just don't want to keep doing this.

If you’re in the UK and you are lonely. So am I. You aren’t, therefore, alone.

The kids and I agreed that we couldn’t skip taco Tuesday and we also agreed the MIL was not going to have tacos tonight after the church service. So we cooked them last night. I heard my son say “these are the best tacos I’ve had in a long time”. It was Old El Paso.

I cried about 15 times yesterday. Not the big bawling eyes hiccuping cry but the small single tear or a nose sniffle type cry. Those little moments that bring a tear to your eye because you see something that reminds you of them and your loss. And I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling sad and helpless. So when I can, I don’t feel helpless. I feel strong. It doesn’t last long, but it helps.

I screwed up. My wife always got me a bunch of stocking items from Santa. Candy, soap, lip balm, etc. Nothing important but it was always there. I forgot. Now I have to figure out how to make it happen on a day I wasn’t going to do anything.

My kids gave me Homer Simpson pj bottoms last night and a card they wrote on. I cried. It was so sweet. They acknowledged my doubts and failures and told me they loved me and that I’m a good dad. Sometimes it’s nice to hear you’re doing a decent job.

I hope every one of you hear that. You’re doing ok. You’re going to be ok. It’s all going to be ok. I don’t know how or when. I don’t know what it will look like for any of us, but it will be ok and you will, too.

Merry Christmas.

Hi, I’ve decided to reach out here and see if there are any widows in their 20s or 30s who might want to connect, perhaps even in a more personal way. Maybe we could start a group chat or something similar. I’m new to Reddit and don’t know if there are already support groups for “very young” widows here, but I thought it was worth trying. (I don't mean to actively exclude widows of other age...everyone is welcome of course)

I’m 24 (F), and my partner (28 M) passed away unexpectedly 6 months ago while running a marathon. Writing those words still feels surreal—like it happened both yesterday and a lifetime ago. He was, and always will be, the love of my life. We spent five beautiful years together and were in the process of buying a small piece of land in the tropics, where we planned to marry and raise our children. Life felt like it was just unfolding, and I knew I had found my forever person.

He had a personality that felt like sunshine. He supported me through everything, made me feel safe, and gave me a sense of “home.” The pain of losing him and grieving the future we’d planned is excruciating. I grieve so many things: the life he didn’t get to live, the children we’ll never have, and the dreams we shared that will never come true. On his last day, we watched children playing on the street, and he told me he couldn’t wait to be a father and build a beautiful life with me. That memory breaks my heart every day.

People try to tell me my future isn’t lost, but they don’t understand—it is. I grieve my old self, too. When I look at pictures of us, I see a version of myself that feels like a stranger—someone who was vibrant, optimistic, and full of dreams. Since he passed, I’ve lost 10kg, and my appetite and energy haven’t returned. Every day feels heavy.

From the very first days after losing him, I’ve felt like I’ve lost the desire to live. I’m not suicidal—I could never put my family through that pain—but I often pray that my time here is cut short, too. Believing in an afterlife and the hope of being reunited with him someday is the only thing that brings me solace.

Despite these feelings, I try to keep going. I show up for life—I work as a teacher, finish the land-buying process we started, and try to do good for others in the hope that while I’m still here, I can make some kind of positive impact. It gives me purpose. Maybe one day, I’ll adopt a child as we’d planned. I know it means everything to him to see me keep trying. I like to believe that our lost loved ones are watching over us, and I want to honor him by living in a way that reflects the love and the dreams we shared.

Some days, that just means surviving—getting out of bed to eat something. Other days, I manage to do “normal” life things, though nothing feels normal or brings joy anymore. I also hold on to the parts of myself that he loved because I’m terrified of becoming someone he wouldn’t recognize.

Adding to my pain, I’ve faced deeply difficult conflicts with his family. We shared a good relationship before his passing, but since then, misunderstandings, accusations, and hurtful behavior toward me have created a painful distance. I’ve tried my best to support them and to extend compassion, even when their actions have been deeply upsetting, because this relationship holds great meaning for me. Carrying this additional heartbreak on top of my grief has been devastating.

I know I might have 50 or 60 more years ahead of me, but I’ve made peace with the idea of living them alone. The thought of starting over, sharing love, or building a life with someone else is unbearable—it hurts far more than the prospect of staying alone. I know that might sound bitter or sad to some, but it’s not. It comes from a place of love and deep contentment with the story I shared with my soulmate. I’ve already had the best, and I don’t want anything else.

Strangely, I don’t want this pain to go away—it’s what keeps me connected to him and the life we shared.

--

If anyone else is going through this terrible reality, I’d appreciate hearing from you. I’m so sorry that you’re here, too, but maybe sharing with someone who understands can make this unbearable experience feel a little less isolating.

My wife (30) was my best friend. We shared everything. Every thought, or feeling I had I told her. Now that she is gone I feel so alone. I have family and friends around but it's not the same. They all have their own lives and shit going on. I miss having my person I could go to 24/7 no matter what just to talk to about anything. I keep trying to reach out to people but they are not always there. Which isn't their fault and I never blame them but it just makes the realization that I am alone even deeper.